Author: thecopingblog

Any parent knows that children learn a great deal by observing others, and then they show this learning by imitating what they observed. I (CB) will never forget a time when my daughter was playing with her Barbie Townhouse, and apparently Barbie did something that was against the rules. My daughter began scolding Barbie and I was stunned as I realized, “Good lord, that’s me!” Yep, I heard exactly what I say to my daughter when I’m scolding her. She had me down pat: same voice tone, same words, same articulation, same everything!

            In the 1970s, American society – and Congress – took notice of psychologist Albert Bandura’s research on social learning by observation, and began to question the appropriateness of violence in TV and movies, especially when likely to be viewed by children and teenagers. For instance, Bandura’s work showed that aggressive tendencies in children can increase after watching films of aggressive behavior in an adult.

            The relationship is not simple, however. Additional research showed that we cannot merely place children in front of a TV, let them watch violence, and turn them into bullies or worse. Whether or not a child imitates violent behavior on TV depends on a host of other factors: Did the child see the TV depiction as real, or enacted? (If real, imitation more likely.) Did the child identify with the aggressive characters, and see them as heroes to be admired? (If yes, imitation more likely.) Was the violence rewarded? (If yes, imitation more likely.) Was the child’s current home environment relatively cold, unloving, unsupportive, and rejecting, with harsh physical punishment used by parents? (If yes, imitation more likely). Similar findings occurred with adults. That is, adults were more likely to imitate violent portrayals in realistic settings like news and documentary programs; when the violence was justified; when it was graphic and realistic; and when the viewer closely identified with the perpetrator, and saw them as similar to the viewer.

            There are important lessons in these results that are relevant to coping with stress, and learning how to live a life with purpose and a social conscience. First, it’s clear that we’re not going to show a young person a violent movie, or give them a book about transgenders, or assign homework about racism, and produce a violent adult, or a person who will question their gender identity, or a racist. There are multiple other factors that must be present and, in fact, factors that provide teaching moments for supportive parents, mentors, teachers, coaches, etc. about the value of critical thinking. As we discussed earlier (2.3.2023), many parents bypass the teaching moment and decide to keep controversial material from their kids by banning books and controlling the local school board. Doing so, however, robs those youngsters of the chance to develop flexibility in their perceptions, attitudes, and behavior, flexibility that is essential to coping with the challenges that life inevitably presents. Restricting a child’s learning opportunities also makes it tough for enlightened parents to instill flexibility by grabbing onto those teaching moments provided by controversial material.

            Second, the data on social learning through observation show us the importance of empathy in understanding and interacting with others. If we can’t see things from another’s perspective, how can we hope to communicate with them in positive and productive ways? If a White, male, heterosexual high-school senior has never been exposed to the history of racism and misogyny in the US, or read about the dynamics of fluid sexual identity in a few individuals, or the inner conflicts driving bullies, how can he relate to individuals in those groups? Educational exposure to those other perspectives is not designed to make our senior student want to become a female, or a bully, or a racist, or a homosexual; it’s designed to increase understanding and empathy, so he can realize that those with other perspectives do not pose a threat to him, and may themselves suffer from emotional turmoil.

            The coping lessons here are clear: flexibility in your attitudes and actions is essential to coping successfully with stressors in your life; without that flexibility, you will have a difficult time relating to and interacting with others in productive ways. You will always be confronted with options when you are conflicted. If you are rigid and unbending in your beliefs about what’s going on around you, it will be impossible to choose the options that are best for you in the long run. Also, if you cannot understand others, you will be forced to limit your contacts to those who reinforce your rigid beliefs. Over the long run, that strategy will bring you discomfort, negative emotions, and self-sabotaging actions that can compromise your physical and emotional well-being.

Psychologist Carl Rogers is generally associated with the concept of unconditional positive regard. The concept means acceptance and support of a person even when the person’s actions are inappropriate. You may not approve of someone’s behavior, but you can still approve of them as a human being. Parents often make this distinction to a child: “I will always love you, but I disapprove of this behavior and will not allow it in this house!”

 Rogers believed that success in counseling was more likely if the counselor provided the client with unconditional positive regard. He felt that the “no-strings” acceptance attached to clients would provide them with the confidence and support needed to obtain insight into their problems, and the motivation to pursue personal growth, greater self-understanding, and self-direction.

During my (CB) years as a college professor, I had many occasions when a student came to my office to discuss some “problem.” Sometimes the issue was critical – even emotionally dangerous – for the student, such as a rape, alcohol/drug abuse, concern over suicide, or physical bullying. In those cases, I referred the student to the Counseling Center, and I sometimes immediately accompanied them to make sure they followed through.

 On other occasions, the problem – while quite troubling for the student – was relatively less serious, such as, “How can I tell mom and dad I want to change my major?” “If I drop this course, am I a quitter?” “I got an F on the test and I’m afraid to see the teacher. Can I just email him?” “My boyfriend dumped me. I’m worthless.” In these cases, I learned over the years that the students generally knew what I would say, but they still needed to hear someone tell them it was OK to be feeling like they did. They were looking for some positive regard. Over the years they had heard parents and others tell them, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” In these cases, it was generally pretty easy for me to assure them that, “How you’re feeling is totally normal. In fact, I remember how I felt exactly the same in my freshman year in college when I faced a similar situation.” I could almost hear an audible, “Thank, God, I’m not weird,” from the students when I gave them such reassurance. And, the great thing about this relief was now they had the confidence to attack the problem. We would chat about the importance of meeting the issue head-on (such as, “No, do not email the professor. Go see her about the F and ask her straight up for suggestions on what you need to do differently to improve your performance.”), and in some cases I would point out for them resources the College provided to help them confront problems.

Providing unconditional positive regard definitely has its usefulness. There is, however, a danger in overdoing it. Some parents, for instance, become determined to make sure that their children never experience failure. They keep a close eye on the kids, and structure their environment to build self-esteem and trust by filling their kids’ lives with success. Unfortunately, this childrearing strategy is a corruption of unconditional positive regard because it’s unrealistic, and doesn’t build self-esteem and trust over the long run. Failure experiences are inevitable in life – and that’s a good thing because learning to cope with failure instills the learner with persistence, determination, dedication, and endurance, qualities that help the learner build a life of autonomy, purpose, meaning, humility, and satisfaction. Indulgence, on the other hand, instills one with dependency, passivity, helplessness, and self-loathing. And, these principles apply whether we’re talking about childrearing, friendships and romances, or any situation requiring coping with life’s stressors. Whatever the life challenge facing you, always be aware of the fine line between unconditional positive regard, and indulgence.

One day in July I received a call from a gentleman: “Dr. Brooks. My son ***** is your advisee, and I’m wondering if you could check for me why I haven’t received the tuition bill for the fall semester. I called the Business Office and they told me to check with my son, because he would have received the bill.” While we were talking, I reached into my advisee file and pulled out his son’s folder. I opened it and the first paper – dated one month earlier – was a letter to the student from the Academic Dean’s office advising him that because of low grades, he was suspended from the College for one year. Because of privacy laws, it was standard practice for the College to notify only the student of any matter concerning grades. What the student did with the information was up to the student. I thought, “Good lord, he never told dad he was suspended.” I collected my thoughts and said, “Mr. *****, there is information in your son’s file that I cannot share with you. I’m going to transfer you to the Dean’s office.”

I learned later from the Dean that the father was quite distraught, and very angry that his son did not share the information with him about the suspension. The father also said that he and his wife had always given their son considerable leeway to conduct his own affairs, and support him whenever he asked. The dad said, “I should have been tougher on him instead of always backing him up.”

Receiving positive regard is very comforting and reassuring. In the context of learning how to cope with stress, however, you must remember that such regard must not be used to prevent you from evaluating your actions with respect to accountability. You must accept the responsibility to determine if your actions can be distinguished from your wants. That’s what functioning in reality means.

When politicians start telling us how to raise our kids and what to teach them, we’re in trouble. Case in point: Your county school board comes up with a list of books to be banned from the school libraries. Such a decision is usually made on moral grounds, although recently, political issues also get involved. Let’s ignore both moral and political issues, however, and ask what parallels we can draw between banning books and coping with stress.

Banning a book is analogous to denial. Let’s say there is some issue that you as a parent find disturbing (e.g., Jim Crow laws and the Ku Klux Klan in the early 20^th century), and there’s a book about it in your kids’ school library. So, you say, “Let’s just get rid of it. Why burden my kids with the unimportant information that there was a time in this country when the KKK targeted Black people as undeserving of the American dream?”

In 1959 I was 15-years-old and a student in the 10^th grade in a prep school in New Jersey. I had a Black classmate (first Black friend I ever had) and we were talking one night about racism. My position was that he had the same opportunities in America that I had. He showed me a little green book, and I said, “OK, a bunch of restaurants and motels. What about it?” He replied, “When my parents drove me up here from Louisiana, we needed this book to tell us which places would feed us or give us a room for the night. Most places would not welcome Negroes.” I was incredulous and said, “But your dad is a university president!” [Grambling University] My friend laughed and said, “His skin is black; that’s all that mattered.” I spent the next couple of weeks talking with my history teacher and getting some books out of the library on the KKK and Jim Crow laws. I even did a paper on it. The books and teacher support were there, but it’s interesting that up to that point I had had no formal education in these matters. I was naïve, living in a fantasy White boy’s world. The discussion with my classmate began to shake me from that fantasy world. But I always remember a comment the history teacher wrote on my paper: “There are two sides to every story and the answer is usually in the middle. Find the middle ground and you’ll solve more problems.”

The idea of banning books for school libraries is often appropriate. From a neuro-psychological perspective, the college-student brain is probably equipped to handle the complexities of topics like same-sex marriage; the junior high-school brain, probably not. But where we run into problems from a stress and coping point of view is when book banning is designed to serve an educational philosophy that values indoctrination of the young mind. Many parents feel that their kids should not grow up being told they live in a racist society, and that there are moral and ethical positions saying racism is wrong. The parents’ concern, however, is not whether their kids’ brains can comprehend the complexities of racism, but whether they should be exposed to such an idea at all. From a coping perspective, that’s not a healthy childrearing strategy.

Why not? Kirk has a newborn son, Ken. Kirk plans to teach his son how to be a man. “I’m not going to have him showing any of that wimpy girly crap, being sensitive and emotional and all that bs. Not my boy. He’s going to learn to be in charge, to be assertive and aggressive and stand up for himself.” Kirk is “banning” certain types of emotions for his son. He is restricting the emotional options Ken will have for dealing with situations. Thus, if Ken is in a situation – and he will be – that requires sensitivity, empathy, caring, tenderness, and other “wimpy girly crap,” he’s out of luck because he won’t know how to use those behaviors to cope with the situation. Effectively coping with stress requires having behavior options, but Ken’s range of coping options will be restricted. And that will cause him to get frustrated and angry, and he will blame the person who needs what he is unable to give. And Ken will begin a downward spiral of increased stress and aggressive actions directed at those he blames for his discomfort.

Politicians may ban books in school libraries for political reasons. In doing so, however, they also ban emotional growth in young people, and that will seriously compromise the future ability of those youth to cope with conflict. By the same token, if you cope with stress by banning (denying) some of your negative emotions, you will also compromise your ability to cope with challenges in your life. Don’t ban the emotional “books” of your psyche; they are a part of who you are. Banning them is self-denial – which will lead to self-hatred – which will lead to self-sabotage – which will make it difficult for you to lead a satisfying and productive life, and may even make you a danger to yourself and others.

By Therapist Michael Church, PhD

Do you take things personally? If you make a point at a meeting, and someone disagrees with you, do you internalize your dismay and spend the next several hours – and most of the night – ruminating over what that person said at the meeting? The problem with taking things too personally is that you are then confronted with jealousy, anger, suspicion, and other upsetting emotions. For many people, and in certain situations, these emotions can produce arguments like neighbor disputes and conflict with work colleagues, plus more serious consequences like rage, hate crimes, and violent domestic behavior.

It is important to remember that these are largely avoidable emotional outcomes if you work at being more objective, less impulsive, more patient with others, and better able to operate in problem-solving mode rather than emotion-based mode. For instance, if you make a point at a meeting, and someone strongly disagrees with you, if you respond in emotion-based mode – “You know, Joe, if you weren’t always so stubborn and oppositional, we could get a lot more done around here!” – communication will likely deteriorate quickly. If, on the other hand, you respond in problem-solving mode – “I hear your point, Joe, but I think we’re approaching the issue from different perspectives. Let’s see if we can get on the same page.” – you are more likely to stimulate productive cooperation.

Another danger from taking things personally is that you are likely to evaluate your own and others’ feelings and thoughts as good or bad. Thoughts and feelings, however, are not good or bad but, for the most part, are natural reflections of personality, moods, and experiences. They are normal both for you and for the other person. But, as soon as you go into extremist good or bad thinking, you enter a world of zero-sum subjective evaluation. You want to win and the other guy must lose, so the social interaction becomes a personal war from your perspective. That’s not a psychologically healthy way to interact with others because it prevents understanding, cooperation, and empathy.

Another coping danger from taking things personally is that you are more likely to take responsibility for what other people choose to do. This is particularly dangerous for parents. How many parents spend thousands of dollars for lawyers and fines because their adult child broke a law? How many let the kid come back home, and watch them sleep on the couch, doing little to get a job or help with chores? How many parents fall into this enabling trap because they feel guilty that their adult child is making bad choices? How many see their adult kid’s mistakes and – laden with guilt – think, “I should have raised this kid better. I was a poor parent.” This is faulty thinking. No parent does everything right, but the past is gone; your adult child is making their own choices in their present world. As long as you enable their self-sabotaging choices in the present, you are not helping them and you are certainly not helping yourself. Your coping task is not to ruminate over the past, but to decide what options are available to you right now. And in most circumstances like this one, the wisest choice is to force current reality on your “child,” and follow through with firm and even harsh action. You are not responsible for everything others do. Accountability is great, but keep it in perspective. Personal accountability is essential to good coping, but best done when the actions are under your control.

Our coping lesson is simple: Taking what others’ say too personally will throw you into a coping minefield. It will threaten your self-validity, foster self-sabotaging actions and thinking, and bring you all sorts of troublesome encounters.

The term “mental illness” is thrown around quite a bit these days. Whenever a mass shooting occurs in public, many proclaim the need to confront the problem of mental illness in society. Whenever a teenager threatens suicide, or overdoses on drugs, or succumbs to the intoxicating message of a cult leader, we hear again the warnings about widespread mental illness in society.

The message conveyed by the words, “mental illness,” has unfortunate collateral consequences: First, it wrongly casts a wide net over large segments of the population, and scares a lot of people. Many mistakenly see this net as fitting folks from the mass shooter motivated by some vast delusional system, to the confused teenager struggling to find a self-identity. Second, the phrase ignores the fact that most mentally ill people do not go around shooting others, and a lot of those who shoot others are not mentally ill. Third, the phrase does not suggest how to confront the crisis. For instance, some blame the schools for indoctrinating children into an unstable “woke” culture, but these critics ignore the role of “helicopter” parents who refuse to allow their children to learn what it means to fail, and how to deal rationally with that failure. Fourth, the phrase is so general and ill-defined that it allows people to use it to demonize and reject those who are different or troublesome.

Just what are the professional criteria of mental illness? Some of the more prominent behavioral criteria include fundamental weaknesses and inabilities in several areas of behavior: separating reality from desires; relating to others rationally; understanding and empathizing with others’ distress and needs; discarding arrogant thinking about self in favor of humility; facing challenges without reliance on others; accepting personal accountability. If you are mentally ill, you will show deficiencies – consistently and over a period of time – in many of these areas. But note that the focus in this list is on behaviors that a troubled person, with professional help, can possibly work on, not on their emotions and feelings that are a normal part of living.

Most emotionally distressed people who feel they are mentally ill are probably not. Unfortunately, those who are troubled do not receive the message emphasizing actions, because that is not the focus of society when talking about mental illness. Rather, people – especially the young ones – hear the false message from a variety of media platforms, that if they experience emotions like shame, anxiety, sadness, confusion, frustration, ambivalence, and fear, then they are mentally ill – not normal. This is a false and dangerous message that can trigger deeper despair, depression, and thoughts of suicide, especially in those who already feel rejected, abandoned, confused, and alone. The irony is, the experience of those emotions is quite normal and a part of living. The key to coping with them is to acquire actions that help you deal with them in rational and confident ways. But, again, too many people in our society – especially adolescents and young adults – have been protected from adversity by parents and other adults, with the unfortunate consequence being that they never learn how to deal with negative experiences and emotions. That inability makes them susceptible to the misleading statements about mental illness, beginning in adolescence and extending well into adulthood.

So, to the extent that “mental illness” presents a problem in society, how should we handle it? What should we be telling people? First, we must establish a proper alternative context for the phrase. Instead of “mental illness,” let’s talk about helping people make wise choices about their behavior when it comes to coping with stress. Second, let’s help people understand that it is not abnormal to feel anxious, ashamed, or sad, and that they need to try and change their inappropriate behavior in coping with these emotions. Third, let’s convince people that they can learn to depend on themselves rather than blindly following someone who would encourage them to cope by antagonizing and hating others. Finally, as an alternative to worrying about feelings and emotions and criticizing themselves for holding those feelings and emotions, let’s help people see the importance of accepting reality, of being accountable for their actions, of striving for some humility in their interactions with others, of working toward empathy and understanding of others, and of taking action to serve others in need. If you’re worried about whether your distressing emotions make you “abnormal” or having an “illness,” modify your perspective to a focus not on emotions but on changing your behavior for the betterment of yourself and those around you.

Many entries in this blog point out the importance of connecting personal values to coping actions. Of course, this principle raises the question: “How do I know if my values are appropriate for effective coping?” That’s a valid question. After all, what if someone values dishonesty as useful; or manipulation of others; or arrogance; or being guided by – as someone once said – “alternative facts”? How are we to evaluate our values as useful in coping with stress? It’s actually pretty straightforward. Just ask yourself, “Do my values motivate me to focus on reality instead of speculation? Do they encourage me to be accountable in my actions and humble in my successes? Do they inspire me to develop empathy for others?” If you answer “Yes,” your values are appropriate for good coping.

Raymond is a college professor. His course in Themes in America History is among the most popular at the university. What’s his secret? “Well,” says Raymond, “I have always felt that this course is a reflection of some of my values, and students like that.” When asked to list those values, he wrote, “Respect for students; Awareness and appreciation of diversity; Consistency and clarity in presenting ideas; Expose students to differing perspectives, but never indoctrinate them into accepting one view as best.” He paused and said, “I could add more, I’m sure, but this gives you an idea of my standards as a professor.”

“So, you believe those values are reflected in how you teach the course?”

“Absolutely. I believe in this course and the historical themes I try to develop. I hope the students learn how the themes express American democracy. I think they respect the fact that I don’t advocate any particular point of view. I respect each student’s perspective, and in class discussion I try to validate their perspectives by showing them how their views would fit in the context of each course theme. I think this gives them a sense of ownership of the class material.”

“Do you think reflecting your values in the course is at least partially responsible for the popularity of the course?”

“I suppose so, although I don’t measure success by how many kids sign up for it. I encourage students to express their opinions. Once they learn that I respect their opinions and am not interested in indoctrinating them into a particular point of view, they really open up. I present information, pose what I hope are questions that trigger critical thinking, and the result is usually exciting and productive discussions. When I point out to students how their divergent perspectives bring teacher and learners together as problem solvers, I think they see the value of mutual respect when sharing different opinions. That makes it all fun. Education, you know, should be challenging, but it should also be fun. I have fun, and I think it’s contagious.”

Link your values to your workplace. The consequences should be quite rewarding.

How are you coping with your stressors these days? A question like that often brings answers like: “I’m too anxious about [a coming event].” “I yelled at a friend the other day and now I’m feeling guilty.” “My boss is driving me crazy. Every time I have a new idea, he shoots it down. It’s so frustrating.” “I’m afraid some of my so-called friends are trying to stab me in the back.”

Notice how all these responses refer to some emotion: anxiety, guilt, frustration, fear.  Let’s face it, those who have trouble coping with stress spend too much time focusing on their emotions that occur in response to stress. “I’m so anxious! I’m going to lose control!” Well, take a deep breath and focus on this reality: stress – and the emotions it produces – is a normal, unavoidable aspect of life. Feeling stressed does not make you unstable or inferior to others, nor does experiencing emotions like fear, frustration, anger, shame, guilt, and anxiety make you abnormal.

Do you feel threatened by your emotions? Do you think good mental health means keeping troublesome emotions in check, at a low level, and seldom having to deal with them? The truth is, feeling emotions is completely natural, and working to deny or eliminate them is counterproductive. Instead, you need to confront the situations and events that bring on the emotions, and take realistic action to deal with those events. You must become an active action-taker in your life, not a passive reactor. The goal is to bring purpose and satisfaction to your life, not by suppressing your natural emotions, but by assessing your behavior choices, and developing action plans.

Here are some introspective questions designed to help you focus on you as an actor. Note that none of them refer to emotions. These questions might help you look at your coping efforts with a broader perspective than just worrying about your emotions.

SELF

Do you feel threatened by events outside your control? Can you focus on actions more under your control?

How reliable is your memory?… your judgment?… your reasoning?… your perception of events? Can you develop these abilities to help you use critical thinking to distinguish reality from fantasy?

What to Look for: The futility of trying to control events and others beyond your control is generally well-known. Still, you may get careless and seek an easy way to lower your stress by trying to expand your control inappropriately. A periodic self-check can help you avoid the control trap, and save you a lot of emotional turmoil.

Assessment of your cognitive skills can be difficult. Fact-checking your beliefs with a variety of other people and reliable media sources can help you avoid falling prey to things like false conspiracy theories and misleading information from those who would try to make you doubt your reality.

SOCIAL

Does attachment to others intimidate you? Can you reach out to trusted others to help you realistically assess motives of others through honest conversation?

Is your communication with others consistent, logical, and coherent? Can you learn how to speak softly and slowly, with clarity and sincerity?

Do you feel compassion and understanding for others who say they are in distress? Can you learn to ask yourself, “How would I feel in their situation? How would I want others to treat me?”

What to Look for: Assess your attitudes and behavior for telltale signs of poor coping: not trusting others; being unable to experience empathy for others; generally having your words and actions misunderstood by others.

REALITY

Are you resistant to change? Can you be flexible when faced with changing coping demands? Are you willing to experiment with new courses of action? Can you accept the consequences of your actions, and modify them if necessary?

Do you consider yourself the center of it all, and indulge yourself in self-absorption? Do you engage in activities focused on serving others?

What to look for: Effectively coping with stress requires flexibility. It’s kind of ironic because people who have difficulty in dealing with conflict and stress usually adopt a strategy of keeping things orderly, methodical, systematic, and predictable. Change is threatening because flexibility means organization must give way to some frustration and turmoil. The way out of the threat is to serve others more often. The focus must move away from self-needs to other-needs. Put the latter in your life and many difficult coping puzzle pieces will fall into place.

Happy New Year! Here are 10 things to remember about coping with stress:

1. Coping problems involve avoidance. Ask yourself, “What am I avoiding, and why?”
2. Allow happiness to emerge in your life by acting in ways that bring you satisfaction.
3. Coping well does not always mean living up to others’ expectations.
4. When troubled in a relationship, ask yourself: “Who do I feel I have to be in this relationship to make it work? Do I like myself in this role? Is it me?”
5. Accept your thoughts and feelings for what they are – normal thoughts and feelings.
6. Your emotions are not the problem; inappropriate actions servicing the emotions are the problem.
7. Your actions must be consistent with the conscience, values, and standards that guide you and allow you to venture outside of yourself. The actions are yours; the consequences are yours.
8. Focus on optimistic actions, not words. Thoughts without actions are fantasy. 
9. Stop having personal pity parties. You have no right to have the corners of your world padded for you.
10. Success is easy. You must also learn to fail.

            I (CB) first posted this entry on December 26, 2016.

            “My New Year’s resolution is going to be the same one I made a year ago: find a new job. This time I’m serious. Plus, the economy is good and employers are looking for workers; it’s a workers’ market. Wages are also up so I should be able to expect more pay in the new job. What do I need to do to be successful?”

            These words, written to a newspaper columnist who specializes in advice for job seekers, illustrate how not to cope in general with a challenge, and why, specifically, New Year’s resolutions usually fail. Note the excuse for last year’s failure: He wasn’t serious last year, but, “This time I’m serious.” This excuse suggests he has not truly accepted the reality of his situation. If he did, he would not need to say he’s serious.

Also, note how the writer focuses on external factors like the economy and having no advisor to explain his earlier failure, rather than focus on what he may have done wrong. In other words, he has not taken accountability for his situation. We’ll never know, of course, but like last year he is unlikely to be successful this year. He’s got a lousy strategy based on chance external factors, and he believes a columnist can take care of him. In other words, he has not worked on a plan of action that corrects previous mistakes.

            When failure occurs, effective coping requires taking action to correct your errors, not focusing on external factors. The former is under your control; the latter is not. After a loss, coaches say, “We’ve got to correct our mistakes, and that’s what we’ll be concentrating on this week in practice. We can execute better if we work hard.” Coaches do not say, “We need to petition the league for better refs, and make sure we don’t get that crew again. They screwed us!”

            New Year’s resolutions illustrate poor coping techniques, which is why they generally don’t last. Why not? First, the very fact that you pick a specific date to begin your transformation into a better person shows that you are procrastinating, and are not motivated. Picking a date is artificial and means you are just kicking the can down the road.

            Second, many folks use overly general resolutions to motivate themselves. “I’m joining a gym on January 2^nd and that will help me lose weight.” In this case, you’re putting the cart before the horse. Resolutions must be the result of motivation to do something, not the catalyst for generating motivation.

            Third, resolutions are usually unrealistic. You make grandiose, unattainable resolutions (“Be able to run a marathon by Spring”; “Lose 30 lbs. by February,”) and you also believe that you’re reinventing yourself, creating a new you. That’s unrealistic thinking.

            To have any chance of success, a resolution must involve specific actions and specific goals: “I will eat a piece of fruit, an apple or a pear, for lunch instead of a sandwich”; “I will do a 30-minute workout at the gym 3 days a week”; “I will walk my neighborhood (or my treadmill) for 30 minutes every day.”

            It also helps to connect your resolution to a specific motivator: “Warm weather will be here soon and I want to be able to look decent at the pool”; “That wedding I’m in is only a few weeks away and I want to look sharp”; “The boss invited me to join in a jog last week and I nearly died of exhaustion. That’s no way to get a promotion. I have to be able to keep up.”

            Your resolution must also involve your values as well as your actions. Specifically, you must engage in values-oriented thinking and make your actions consistent with that thinking.

Consider these disconnects: you say, “I care about my health,” (your value) but you put off investigating diets (an action); you say, “I want to get in shape,” (your value) but you put off joining a gym (an action); you say, “I love being with my family,” (your value) but you put off spending more time with your kids and spouse (an action). If you truly value those things, then you must admit to yourself that your actions are inconsistent with those values, and you must work to correct that problem. Connecting actions to values requires a much deeper commitment than does making a simple resolution. To cope with everyday life more effectively, identify your values, the things that are important to you. Then devise a plan that will help you coordinate your values with specific actions that are compatible with those values.

            Do you want your New Year’s resolution to have a chance of succeeding? To increase the likelihood of success, your resolution should include a plan of action that results from your motivation to change. Second, the plan should include realistic, attainable, and specific actions and goals. Third, the plan must be connected to your values. Fourth, initiate your plan now, not at some future date.  

The holidays are a time when a lot of folks seem to focus on happiness. It’s Christmas! Let’s gather around the tree, sing carols, laugh, and have a happy time. Unfortunately, holiday happiness can be elusive because too often people tend to center their search around “me,” always asking, what do “I” need to do to make “myself” happier? If this sounds like you, the problem here is that you’re being self-serving and looking for answers that are defined by your needs, your frustrations, your anxieties, your difficulties. “But,” you ask, “how can I possibly help myself if I don’t center my plans and actions around myself?”

Here’s a thought: Instead of putting yourself as the main ingredient in the recipe, take yourself out of the recipe. Consider the possibility that, whatever your difficulty, you can use the emotions it generates within you to increase your sensitivity to others who suffer from trauma and conflicts similar to yours. This empathy will not only help others, but yourself as well. That’s right, taking yourself out of the formula will encourage you to reach out to others. The bonus? You will discover that reaching out will bring you ample helpings of personal satisfaction – call it happiness if you want, but it’s much more – and help you cope better with your problems. Many people feel that happiness is something that is acquired, like a trophy, a promotion, or winning the lottery. Psychology research shows, however, that happiness emerges from things you do, not from things you acquire. Reaching out to others, committing to a cause, working hard at a task, persisting in spite of frustration and adversity – these sorts of things seem more related to being happy than merely acquiring something.

Viewed from this perspective, one clear road to happiness involves empathy, a social responsiveness that does not involve a search for happiness, but a desire to help others because you understand their need. For instance, if you have been previously victimized or are presently dealing with emotional upheaval in similar ways as someone else, who can understand their plight better than you? Who is better equipped to relate to them than you? The true beauty of empathy and helping others, however, is that you reap the psychological benefits of contentment, satisfaction, and self-actualization. There is no more effective therapy than empathetic service to others. It’s not that empathy brings you happiness; it’s that empathy brings you a sense of being a useful person.

Here are some comments from clients in group therapy.

“Telling my story helped me face it as real. Then I knew others’ stories were real, too. I felt less alone. New people would show up. It was hard for me to listen to them because I was reliving my own experience. But I understood them, and knew they understood me. That was so cool.”

“I discovered I could help others. Hell, if I could do that, I should be able to face myself. That brought me a lot of inner peace.”

“It was amazing. I wasn’t the only one hurting. Others were there, too. Whenever I felt like I was drowning, I threw a lifeline to others in the group. We taught each other how to save ourselves.”

Whatever your plight, you are not alone in your difficulties. The best way to facilitate your ability to cope is to make sure that – as you travel the road to discovering that you are useful – you leave no one behind. Christmas is unique in offering you that pathway. Take it. Doing so will help you will find yourself participating in – and enjoying the richness of – the human adventure.