Psychology and Stress

Want to get rid of all your stress? Of course you do! Well, just settle back into a comfy chair or sofa and close your eyes. Now picture in your mind all the people and events that give you occasional stress and sometimes cause you to have a bad day. As you go along it’s OK to open your eyes to write them down on a piece of paper. When you’re done, check out your list and see who’s on it: Mom and dad, maybe? Spouse or partner? Kids? Siblings? Co-workers? Your boss? A BFF? The dog? Christmas? Anniversaries and birthdays? Computers? Smart phones? Vacations? Facebook? We bet if you took enough time your list would be quite long.

            Next, rid yourself of all your stressful times, all those bad days, by imagining your life without any of those problem people and events in your life. The goal is to imagine a world where you avoid all your sources of stress. So, close your eyes and start designing your relaxing new world by deleting all those stresses. “Wait a minute,” you protest, “you want me to get rid of my kids, my parents, even the dog? All those people I love? Give up my job and my friends? The dog? Are you kidding me? My dog? I’m going to end up with an empty world!”

            Bingo! If you work really hard to avoid stress in your life, you will stop living! Stress is a vital part of being alive, and trying to eliminate it is a losing strategy. In fact, you’ll end up not only alone, but also lonely. You’ll suffer despair, helplessness, and hopelessness; your self-esteem and confidence will be in the toilet; your world will spin out of control, and the next stop on your life path will be…. depression.

            Stress, challenges, obstacles, hard work, frustration, anger, anxiety, and a host of other things you prefer to avoid must not be avoided. Those bothersome emotions are a part of you; they are not alien invaders. To try and avoid them will compromise your very being. So rather than avoid them, accept them as real, and then confront them, meet them head on, deal with them. Emotions and stressors are a part of your life. Once you accept them you will be able to develop coping actions that take them into account.

            Here’s a simple example. You have to give a presentation to other professionals in your field. You hate speaking in front of groups; you get anxious days in advance, and by the time of the event you feel like you’ll pass out. You desperately wish you could do something to get out of it. What can you do? Rehearse the presentation until you’re sick of it. Do it in front of a couple of knowledgeable friends who can comment on clarity and organization. Is it thorough? Anything important left out? As close as possible to the actual presentation, do a rehearsal in the actual presentation area and make sure the equipment works and that you are totally familiar with it.

As the day approaches, don’t tell yourself, “I’m going to be cool as a cucumber.” Such talk is a deal-breaker. That is, the odds are you will not be “cool as a cucumber,” and when you experience the anxiety at the time of the event, you will be devasted. “I wasn’t supposed to feel this way,” you moan. So, don’t delude yourself. If you do, you will be unprepared for the inevitable. What you have to do is remind yourself, “I’m going to be nervous; that’s who I am. But I’m prepared. I’ve practiced and I know this thing. When the anxiety hits, I’ll just continue right through it.” You’ll be much better off if you’re honest with yourself and don’t paint some rosy, hoped-for picture that may not materialize.

Short lesson here? Denial and avoidance are lousy coping strategies that will increase your stress in the long run. Instead of running away, design a plan of attack that allows you to engage in productive actions that make you feel more confident and empowered. Is meeting challenges also stressful? Absolutely. But unlike stress from avoiding, which is psychologically damaging, the stress of meeting challenges generates self-esteem, resilience, empowerment, and healthy satisfaction.

Be realistic about the stress in your life. Are you ruled by irrational thoughts, such as, “I must be perfect and succeed in everything I do,” or, “I am a worthless person”? A more realistic thought would be, “If I fail, I will examine what I did wrong and take steps to correct my mistake, so I will be less likely to fail the next time.”

Think about it. Is it really so hard to put things in a realistic perspective by balancing those events beyond your control with those you can control? If you’re stressed about driving to a meeting across town, how difficult can it be to say, “I have no control over how bad the traffic will be, but I can leave early so heavy traffic will not make me late. I can also map out alternative routes in advance in case traffic backs up.”

“The boss gave the project to my colleague. She obviously thinks I’m incompetent.”

Irrational thinking can impair day-to-day functioning as your life becomes organized around the central themes of those thoughts. Such thoughts are demoralizing, interfere with effective coping, and make you vulnerable to psychological dysfunctions like Personality Disorders, Depression, and, very frequently, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. In this last condition your mind entertains a big package of irrational thoughts, and you are constantly adding thoughts to the box.

When you are stressed and feeling overwhelmed, you have to guard against feeling sorry for yourself and asking others to join in your pity parade. There are always alternative proactive actions you can take. Instead of being dominated by irrational, self-serving thoughts, find those realistic actions that will serve you well. The first step in the process is to become aware of your irrational thoughts. Write them down when they occur. Enlist the help of friends, acquaintances, and even professionals to help you identify them. In this way, you will be able to focus more on rational courses of action to help you cope with the everyday challenges you face. There is never any guarantee you will succeed. But by focusing on positive actions, at least you are teaching yourself to persevere even when frustrated; you are showing yourself that you are self-sufficient enough to engage in some proactive actions; and you are doing things that give you a chance to feel good about yourself. Such positive possibilities certainly outweigh marching in your personal pity parade.

The game ended and the home fans stormed the field. Their team had just defeated the hated rival school in the annual football game. At the post-game press conference, a reporter asked the winning coach, “You were behind 17-0 at halftime and being dominated by the opposition. What turned it around?” The coach smiled and said, “This team has great resiliency [coaches often use this variation of “resilience”]. They knew they weren’t playing up to their potential. But they’re tough and didn’t let their poor performance get them down. They knew what they had to do, dug down deep, and came out in the second half and ran off 21 straight points. They were focused and determined to avoid the mistakes of the first half. I’m proud of how they came back from the first half disaster.”

Coaches appear to understand the importance of resilience when meeting a challenge. Psychologists do, too, and they see the trait as an important element in the coping process. The key characteristics of a resilient person are flexibility, emotional stability, optimism, problem solving ability, sense of purpose, and a support network. Those who are resilient focus on what they can control. They are willing to learn and grow from their experiences and focus on positive actions. They are willing to reach out to others for help, work hard at a task, and persist in spite of frustration and adversity.

Psychological research shows health benefits for those high in resilience:  lower levels of depression and anxiety, better immune system functioning, lower levels of stress hormones, and better overall mental health. Resilient individuals engage in energetic coping strategies based on exercise, sufficient sleep, and social activity. The latter is especially important, and resilient folks stay connected to friends and community groups, and seek support when needed. These strategies help them view failures as learning opportunities, and avoid disastrous thinking.

To foster resilience in yourself, keep a daily diary to help you process conflicts; venture outside your comfort zone occasionally, focusing on what you can control; separate your large problems into smaller ones, and deal with them slowly and deliberately; reflect on what happens and adjust your actions as needed. Doing so will help you experience contentment and satisfaction as you meet life challenges that confront you.

Welcome to 2026! I’m willing to bet that this year will be filled with news reports that have the potential to be very upsetting for many people. We’re off to a horrific start with the Minneapolis shooting, and a video that has the potential to haunt some folks for a long time. Can that video be so upsetting that it actually causes significant increases in your stress levels? In general, can you be negatively affected by saturation media coverage of real events? In addition to tragic events like Minneapolis, regularly we see, and read about, in-depth coverage of mass shootings, horrible scenes of combat carnage and destruction, and gut-wrenching interviews with survivors of trauma. This year, of course, will also include election issues that have the potential to be exceptionally stressful. At a time when statistics show an alarming increase in mental-health problems, the question arises: “Can frequent coverage of horrendous events traumatize you to the point that psychological problems develop?”

            In 2001, Propper was teaching a course on sleep and dreaming at a college in the Boston area. The course was already underway, and students had begun recording and documenting their dreams, when the events of 9/11 unfolded. Thus, Propper and her associates had an opportunity to assess trauma themes in dreams both before and after 9/11, and to relate them to amount of TV viewing of the 9/11 coverage.

            Analysis of students dreams before and after 9/11 demonstrated not only that post-9/11 dreams changed significantly compared to pre-9/11 dreams, but also that the dreams could be linked to amount of TV viewing of the horrific events. After 9/11, dreams contained more threat and danger themes and images, and more negative emotions expressed. These themes, images, and emotions tended to increase as the amount of time watching TV coverage increased. Thus, to the extent that dreaming can reflect efforts to process and resolve trauma and conflict, the authors concluded that extensive viewing of TV coverage of the 9/11 events served to increase trauma and conflict in viewers. It is also of particular interest to note that the students who spent more time talking with friends and relatives about the events of 9/11 did not show these threatening themes and negative emotions in their dreams. This finding is consistent with evidence from clinical psychology showing the therapeutic effects of talking with significant others following a personal trauma.

Propper believes the results show how media coverage of an event can negatively affect the emotional well-being of viewers. Reporting an event is one thing; saturating coverage with repeated replays over an extended period is quite another. Furthermore, if that coverage makes talking with friends and relatives less likely, then the negative effects of the saturation coverage are greatly compounded.

            You might ask, “Should I switch channels when coverage of horrific events is on?” No, at least not all the time. That would be avoidance of facing uncomfortable aspects of reality. Such avoidance on a regular basis would help make you unable to process and cope with troubling realities. Face those realities, but make sure you talk them over with others to help you manage your coping efforts.

            Avoiding troubling political news, of course, can be easy: Just limit yourself to media sources that reflect your beliefs. However, that selectivity would be an example of avoiding facing uncomfortable aspects of reality, and could be more psychologically damaging than simply avoiding all political news. Adhering only to media sources that support your opinions  will help you both avoid and degrade the unpleasant, and likely obstruct your ability to process, evaluate, and cope with troubling information. Do not be afraid, therefore, to familiarize yourself with positions that run counter to your opinions. Doing will help you accept reality and evaluate information logically and calmly.

However, you need not succumb to excessive anxiety from media exposure. You can arm yourself against emotional upheaval by exercising and living a fairly healthy lifestyle; by educating—not indoctrinating—yourself with verifiable facts; by having healthy, adult, rational interactions with others; by empathizing and understanding the needs of others; by serving those in need; by enjoying nature—hearing the birds chirp, smelling the vegetation, seeing the vast array of plant colors, and basking in the warmth of the sun. Psychological research documents the beneficial effects of these coping tools that are all around you, tools that we know can combat anxiety, depression, and other debilitating feelings. Use them.

Every January my wife notices that her gym is more crowded than usual with a lot of unfamiliar faces. “Resolutions people,” she tells me, “They’ll be gone by March.” Her prediction generally comes true for nearly all the newcomers. How come? Why don’t New Year’s resolutions last?

“Saturday, January 9^th, I’m joining a gym.” There’s a problem right out of the gate. If you tie your resolution to a specific date, you’re just focusing on a date; you’re not motivated; you’re procrastinating, just kicking the can down the road. Picking a date is artificial. “I’m going to work out more to make me lose weight and get in better shape.” We’ve got two problems here: (1) You’re putting the cart before the horse, using the resolution (“work out more”) to motivate you (“make me lose weight.”). Resolutions must be the result of motivation to do something, not the catalyst for generating motivation. “The boss invited me to join in a jog last week and I nearly died of exhaustion. That’s no way to get a promotion. I must get in better shape to keep up with him.” You want to improve your chance of getting a promotion now becomes the motivation for the resolution—running more to get in better shape. It always helps to connect your resolution to a specific motivator: “Warm weather will be here soon and I want to look good at the pool. I’ve got to join a gym”; “I’m in a wedding in three months and I want to fit into a smaller dress. I need to join a gym.” (2) The second problem is that the workout-more resolution is too vague. “I need to be in better shape, so I’m going to work out more.” Work out more? Get specific. Make a specific routine involving repetitions, muscle areas, and specific days. To have any chance of success, a resolution must involve specific doable actions: Lose weight? “I will eat a piece of fruit—an apple or a pear—for lunch instead of a sandwich”; “I will walk my neighborhood for 30 minutes every day.”

Resolutions are often unrealistic. You make grandiose, unattainable resolutions (“Be able to run a marathon by Spring”; “Lose 30 lbs. by February,”), and you also believe that you’re reinventing yourself, creating a new you. That’s unrealistic thinking. “I’m going to run two miles every morning before leaving for work so I can qualify for the local marathon in eight weeks.” That’s crazy. “I’m going to reinvent myself—create a new me. For starters I will lose 30 lbs. by February.” Once again, unrealistic thinking.

A good way to make sure that your resolutions are realistic is to connect them to your values. Specifically, you must engage in values-oriented thinking and make your actions consistent with that thinking. “I love being with my family [your value], but I put off spending more time with my kids and spouse” [an action]. “My job brings me little personal satisfaction [your value], but I put off looking for another one” [an action]. Can you see the disconnect between values and actions? When making a resolution, first identify your values, then devise a plan that will help you coordinate those values with compatible actions. “I value my health and the welfare of my family, my obesity is bad for both, so I must lose weight.” I knew a young man who was morbidly obese at nearly 400lbs. When his widowed mother became sick and had to be briefly hospitalized, he realized that if she became unable to care for herself, he would want to do so. He greatly valued his mother’s welfare “But,” he thought, “how can I care for mom if I can’t even tie my own shoelaces?” Over the next two years, he lost 220lbs.

Aaron is ready. He resolves that this year he is going to find a new job. Sure, it was the same resolution he made a year ago but this time he’s serious. Plus, he says the economy is looking better in his job market. Sorry, Aaron, but you are showing us how not to make a resolution, how notto attack a challenge: First, you have an excuse for last year’s failure—you weren’t serious last year, but this year you are; the excuse says you have not accepted the reality of your situation. If you did, you wouldn’t need to say you’re serious. Second, you focus on external factors like the economy, rather than on what you may have done wrong to fail in your job search last year. In other words, you haven’t taken accountability for your actions. You have a lousy strategy based on chance external factors, and you haven’t worked on a plan of action that corrects previous mistakes.

            The keys to being successful with New Year’s resolutions are no different than the keys for being successful when dealing with any stress in your life: (1) Accept your current situation and be accountable for evaluating your role in it; (2) make a plan of action that results from your motivation to change, not a plan designed to motivate you; (3) include realistic, attainable, and specific actions and goals in your plan; (4) connect your plan to your values; (5) begin now, not at some future date.

The holidays are a time when a lot of folks seem to focus on happiness. It’s Christmas! Let’s gather around the tree, sing carols, laugh, and have a happy time. Unfortunately, holiday happiness can be elusive because too often people tend to center their search around “me,” always asking, what do “I” need to do to make “myself” happier? If this sounds like you, the problem here is that you’re being self-serving and looking for answers that are defined by your needs, your frustrations, your anxieties, your difficulties. “But,” you ask, “how can I possibly find happiness without including myself?”    

Here’s a thought, and an action that you can take year-round: Instead of putting yourself as the main ingredient in the recipe, take yourself out of the recipe. Consider the possibility that, whatever your difficulty, you can use the emotions it generates within you to increase your sensitivity to others who suffer—many times from conflicts similar to yours. This empathy will not only help others, but yourself as well. That’s right, taking yourself out of the formula will encourage you to reach out to others. The bonus? You will discover that reaching out will bring you ample helpings of personal satisfaction—call it happiness if you want, but it’s much more—and help you cope better with your problems. Many people feel that happiness is something that is acquired, like a trophy, a promotion, or winning the lottery. Psychology research shows, however, that happiness emerges from things you do, not from things you acquire. Reaching out to others, committing to a cause, working hard at a task, persisting in spite of frustration and adversity—these sorts of things seem more related to being “happy” than merely acquiring something.

Viewed from this perspective, one clear road to happiness involves empathy, a social responsiveness that does not involve a search for happiness, but a desire to help others because you understand their need. If you have been previously victimized or are presently dealing with emotional upheaval in similar ways as someone else, who can understand their plight better than you? Who is better equipped to relate to them than you? The true beauty of empathy and helping others, however, is that you reap the psychological benefits of contentment, satisfaction, and self-actualization. There is no more effective therapy than empathetic service to others. It’s not that empathy brings you happiness; it’s that empathy brings you a sense of being a competent and useful person.

Listen carefully to these clients in group therapy:

“Telling my story helped me face it as real. Then I knew others’ stories were real, too. I felt less alone. New people would show up. It was hard for me to listen to them because I was reliving my own experience. But I understood them, and knew they understood me. That was so cool.”

            “I discovered I could help others. Hell, if I could do that, I should be able to face myself. That brought me a lot of inner peace.”

            “I discovered I wasn’t the only one hurting. Others were there, too. Whenever I felt like I was drowning, I threw a lifeline to others in the group. We taught each other how to save ourselves.”

Whatever your plight, you are not alone in your difficulties. The best way to facilitate your ability to cope is to make sure that as you travel the road to discovering that you are useful you leave no one behind. Christmas is unique in offering you that pathway, but it can be traveled year-round. Take it. Doing so will help you will find yourself participating in—and enjoying the richness of—the human adventure.

The holidays can be a tough time if you lost a loved one during the previous year. Suddenly, someone who was a part of family celebrations and joy is not there. Grief is magnified by holiday family traditions. Grief often leads survivors “inward” to focus on their emotions, and dwell on how their loss has broken their emotional stability. This focus is understandable. Unfortunately, though, because holiday time is so strongly associated with happy times for most people, the inward spotlight can magnify sadness, despondency, frustration, guilt, anger—a literal flood of overwhelming negative emotions that can be devastating. That’s why an inward focus on grief—while OK in small doses—can ravage the coping process if the inward focus becomes a daily addiction. Sufferers then consider emotions “my problem,” but, in fact, they are not the problem; it is their reactions to the emotions that is the real problem. Fortunately, the holidays provide ample opportunities for an “outward” focus to help the aggrieved “live through” their grief. The grief-stricken—in a spirit of empathy—can reach out to others who have fallen on hard times, and discover that this outward focus gives them a way to move forward with their own grief, and honor their departed loved one.

I remember many years ago a friend of our family suffered a great loss when her son-in-law was killed in an accident several months before Christmas. Her daughter, Jill, now a young widow in her late 20s, came to live with her mom temporarily while they both sorted out their emotional lives. My mother invited them to join us for Christmas dinner. Before dinner, my mom handed each of them a wrapped present. Jill was dumbfounded. “But I have no present for you,” she said. “Yes, you do,” my mom replied. “Your presence is our gift.” I was in college at the time and thought that comment was pretty cool. Years later, however, I saw the comment in a new light.

Giving vs. receiving—we generally separate these actions as distinct, but they’re not. When Jill accepted the gift from my mom, she also gave my mom something very special in return: the blessing of fulfillment and satisfaction resulting from giving. It sounds corny but I think my mom received a gift of feeling part of the family of humanity; mom discovered that a simple gesture to someone in distress—“Yes, Jill, you are saddened and in pain, but life endures through the pain.”—offered mom the special gift of receiving through the act of giving. So, looking at Jill and my mom, who gave and who received?

For me, the lesson here is straightforward: Are you in emotional pain—depressed, saddened, hurt, upset, guilty, angry? No matter what time of year, focus on what’s “out there” and how you can be a part of it. After all, it’s life out there. Accept and receive from others, and in doing so, you will discover that you are also giving, and bringing honor to the memory of your loved one. Give your service and help to those who, like you, need support, and you will be blessed with the contentment of receiving in the act of giving.

Do you let trivial things add to your stress? For instance, when greeting someone do you worry about offending them if you say, “Merry Christmas,” as opposed to “Happy holidays”? Or, if you’re Jewish, are you offended if someone says “Merry Christmas” to you? Complaints about so-called politically-correct (PC) greetings increase around holiday time. Those who whine about this issue seem to forget that PC language boils down to courtesy, respect, and empathy for others who have a perspective different from theirs. The strength of this self-serving bias varies from person to person, and even within ourselves at different times. Any way you look at it, however, the bias is there and it has the potential to make certain language distasteful to those who refuse to accept that there’s a world out there beyond their personal space; and that bias adds stress.

            Here’s a coping thought: acknowledge the importance of others. Ask yourself, “What determines how others remember me?” The answer is, “People remember how you make them feel.” With that thought in mind, what sort of daily legacy do you want to leave? Do you want people to remember you as someone who made them feel undervalued and inferior to you earlier that day? Or, do you want them to remember you as someone who made them feel good because you understand and respect their perspective?

            Why not adopt a little humility, and decide that life is not all about you? Why not take the time to make others feel worthy of your respect? Doing so will remove concern from your mind about frivolous, nonsensical things like PC language. You will feel more empowered and independent; you will feel more productive; and those feelings will bring you more personal satisfaction. Most important, you will have more pleasant interactions with others.

            I knew a colleague who was one of those guys who greeted life each day with a smile. He was always ready to lend a helping hand and believed in teamwork. He never took himself too seriously, and loved to defuse conflict with a joke or light-hearted comment. I remember a time during the Christmas holiday when he was exiting the building and passed an employee he didn’t know. He said with a big smile, “Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or bah humbug. Choose your preference!” We all laughed heartily and the employee said, “Right back at you!” And we all went our way with a smile.

            But what if things go a little differently? There’s never a guarantee that any social interaction will be pleasant. What if the employee says something like, “I don’t think that’s funny at all. You know some people don’t like to be reminded about holidays.” How do you handle situations like this? Well, remember that you have no control over how others will react. Maybe they associate Christmas with personal loss; maybe they harbor unresolved anger; maybe they want to be left alone. There are a host of possible reasons for a negative reaction. What can you do? How about a quick apology—“Sorry, didn’t mean to offend.”—and move on. It’s a trivial matter and not worth adding to your stress levels.

Here’s a piece that Dr. Carlea Dries wrote on December 12, 2016, words I like to repeat every year at this time:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… except when it’s not. The holidays usually mean the coming together of family members. Ordinarily this is a welcome time of festive gatherings, exchanging of presents, and special memories made near a roaring fireplace. For some, however, this Norman Rockwell image is drastically different from reality, particularly when recent loss of a loved one is involved. Let’s note that “loss” is not limited to the death; it can also include divorce, hospitalization, incarceration, active duty without a holiday leave, or a family member who moved away. 

Recently, I attended the funeral for my great aunt. Though Marge was 93 and in failing health, her death hit our family rather hard, especially her daughters and sister (my grandmother, who is now the only one left of the original 11 siblings). The sermon during the church service (paraphrased herein) highlighted how this first holiday is going to be different: “You’ll notice the quiet. You’ll notice the missing [specialty food]. You’ll notice the missing chair at the table.” 

While I was at the repast, a good friend of mine texted to say that her parents are getting divorced after more than thirty years of marriage. This news was unexpected and rendered her numb. She just kept asking how it could be real and why, if it had to happen, it had to come so close to Hanukkah. This was supposed to be the first time she would be hosting her family, and now everything was changing. 

How do you cope with the first holiday season in the “next normal” or “new normal”? How do you hold on to a sense of control when things are clearly out of your control?

The most important thing to do, discussed in other blog posts, is to recognize what is in your circle of power. My grandmother can’t bring her sister back. My friend can’t convince her parents to stay together. So, they must try to do what they can: accept what it is and move forward from that point. Yes, that’s easier typed than done.

Some feel consoled by leaving a place at the table for the absent person, but many others find that much more discomforting because it is a visual reminder of the vacancy. You may, therefore, choose to remember the person in a smaller way. I have made ornaments with pictures of departed relatives, reminding me of times we spent together. Every year for Thanksgiving, my mother makes her aunt’s stuffing (though Aunt Petronella called it “dressing”). My mother-in-law uses a picture of her mother as the angel for her crèche. A friend video-chats with her husband who is stationed overseas. For the past 14 years, my father brings homemade goodies to the staff at the nursing home where his parents finished their earthly stories. A colleague mentioned that she has a “moment of reflection” during which everyone present shares a memory, story, or image of those who cannot be with them—one even sings a favorite song!

These simple gestures become meaningful traditions that do not overwhelm us with intense feelings of loss. Rather, they celebrate the lives and connections we had to those who are absent. 

Other coping suggestions include planning a totally new activity that literally takes you away from the familiar reminders of the absent one. Go on a mini-vacation. Celebrate with a different group of people. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter. Service to others is probably the most effective way of coping with personal loss. Keep your mind and body distracted, not to the point where you are ignoring, denying, or detaching from the loss, but to keep you focused on something productive instead of painful. 

No matter what options you are comfortable choosing, you must give yourself permission to feel. There will be moments when you want to do nothing but sit in silence. Other times you will want to do nothing but scream. You might even find yourself smiling or laughing and then feel guilty because how dare you be happy when you are missing someone?! Have “the big, snotty cry” if that is what you want to do. Let yourself feel. Take the time you need. It’s okay to say “no” to invitations; just be sure you don’t let your mourning stop you from living.  

There was also a message of comfort in the sermon for my Aunt (again paraphrased): Marge lives on in your hearts and memories. If you listen in the quiet, you can hear her. If you feel in the still, you can sense her. Remembering means no one ever leaves.

You might not feel better today. You might not feel better tomorrow. But at some point, you will feel that you have moved to the next normal and that will be the next best thing.

We’re at that time of year when millions of children have Santa Clause on their mind. But then someone comes along and tells parents that encouraging the Santa myth will cause their children to mistrust mom and dad. The argument goes that when kids realize there is no jolly guy flying around the world in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, they conclude, “My parents have been lying to me all this time. I’ll never trust them again.” If that’s not bad enough, these “bah humbugers” say that a belief in Santa makes kids vulnerable to peer ridicule and embarrassment: “You believe in Santa? I suppose you also believe in the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny!” There are also those who argue that focusing children on Santa encourages them to overlook the true meaning of Christmas—the birth of Jesus. What’s a parent to do? Talk about stress!

I remember a conversation I had with a former student about this issue. She told me a story that one time, a few days before Christmas, she and her 7-year-old daughter were wrapping presents. She told her daughter they could make one from Santa. “But mom, I know Santa’s not real.” When I asked mom how she handled that, paraphrasing, here’s what she said:

“Well, you know I teach elementary school, and I was ready for it. I admitted there was not a bearded old man in a sleigh. But I brought up some of our family traditions and talked about them with her—things we did, special decorations, meals, all the fun times we had at Christmas. And I asked her, ‘Has Santa been a part of all those fun times? How is Santa in this house? Could it be that we’re all Santa? You, me, your dad, your little brother? And what is it that makes us Santa?’ My daughter nailed this one and said, ‘We give each other presents!’ Building on that insight I went into some comments about giving and receiving, that both are blessings because they bring us together as a family. I said, ‘That’s who Santa is. All of us, and it’s one of the things that shows each of us that we love each other.’ She looked a little puzzled, but I could tell she was soaking it all in like a sponge.”

The stuff about seeding mistrust in children by lying to them about Santa is nonsense. An isolated deception about a real Santa is not going to sow mistrust of parents in an overall warm, supportive family filled with love and positive guidance. Furthermore, as Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget showed us, children’s understanding about their world progresses through stages, and the first stage is very primitive and concrete. Try to explain to a 3-year-old that Santa is symbolic of the gifts of giving and receiving, and other things that define a family and love. Good luck. But, believe it or not, the vision of a jolly, smiling guy being towed through the sky by a bunch of flying reindeer is preparing the child’s mind for understanding greater mysteries about giving and receiving, love and forgiveness, to be grappled with at a later age with a more physically-matured brain. The fact is, the early belief in the real Santa is not at all incompatible with appreciating at a later age the significance of what’s really going on in that Bethlehem stable.

There’s a coping lesson here: Put more Santa into your life throughout the year. The reality of Santa embodies the principles of effective coping with stress: Get outside yourself and give service and support to others; likewise, receive what others bring you, which allows you to give to another the special blessing of giving. Keeping Santa’s Ho-Ho-Ho in your heart will help you establish a psychologically healthy daily legacy that is based on making others—and yourself— feel good.