Psychology and Stress

The holidays can be a tough time if you lost a loved one during the previous year. Suddenly, someone who was a part of family celebrations and joy is not there. Grief is magnified by holiday family traditions. Grief often leads survivors “inward” to focus on their emotions, and dwell on how their loss has broken their emotional stability. This focus is understandable. Unfortunately, though, because holiday time is so strongly associated with happy times for most people, the inward spotlight can magnify sadness, despondency, frustration, guilt, anger—a literal flood of overwhelming negative emotions that can be devastating. That’s why an inward focus on grief—while OK in small doses—can ravage the coping process if the inward focus becomes a daily addiction. Sufferers then consider emotions “my problem,” but, in fact, they are not the problem; it is their reactions to the emotions that is the real problem. Fortunately, the holidays provide ample opportunities for an “outward” focus to help the aggrieved “live through” their grief. The grief-stricken—in a spirit of empathy—can reach out to others who have fallen on hard times, and discover that this outward focus gives them a way to move forward with their own grief, and honor their departed loved one.

I remember many years ago a friend of our family suffered a great loss when her son-in-law was killed in an accident several months before Christmas. Her daughter, Jill, now a young widow in her late 20s, came to live with her mom temporarily while they both sorted out their emotional lives. My mother invited them to join us for Christmas dinner. Before dinner, my mom handed each of them a wrapped present. Jill was dumbfounded. “But I have no present for you,” she said. “Yes, you do,” my mom replied. “Your presence is our gift.” I was in college at the time and thought that comment was pretty cool. Years later, however, I saw the comment in a new light.

Giving vs. receiving—we generally separate these actions as distinct, but they’re not. When Jill accepted the gift from my mom, she also gave my mom something very special in return: the blessing of fulfillment and satisfaction resulting from giving. It sounds corny but I think my mom received a gift of feeling part of the family of humanity; mom discovered that a simple gesture to someone in distress—“Yes, Jill, you are saddened and in pain, but life endures through the pain.”—offered mom the special gift of receiving through the act of giving. So, looking at Jill and my mom, who gave and who received?

For me, the lesson here is straightforward: Are you in emotional pain—depressed, saddened, hurt, upset, guilty, angry? No matter what time of year, focus on what’s “out there” and how you can be a part of it. After all, it’s life out there. Accept and receive from others, and in doing so, you will discover that you are also giving, and bringing honor to the memory of your loved one. Give your service and help to those who, like you, need support, and you will be blessed with the contentment of receiving in the act of giving.

Do you let trivial things add to your stress? For instance, when greeting someone do you worry about offending them if you say, “Merry Christmas,” as opposed to “Happy holidays”? Or, if you’re Jewish, are you offended if someone says “Merry Christmas” to you? Complaints about so-called politically-correct (PC) greetings increase around holiday time. Those who whine about this issue seem to forget that PC language boils down to courtesy, respect, and empathy for others who have a perspective different from theirs. The strength of this self-serving bias varies from person to person, and even within ourselves at different times. Any way you look at it, however, the bias is there and it has the potential to make certain language distasteful to those who refuse to accept that there’s a world out there beyond their personal space; and that bias adds stress.

            Here’s a coping thought: acknowledge the importance of others. Ask yourself, “What determines how others remember me?” The answer is, “People remember how you make them feel.” With that thought in mind, what sort of daily legacy do you want to leave? Do you want people to remember you as someone who made them feel undervalued and inferior to you earlier that day? Or, do you want them to remember you as someone who made them feel good because you understand and respect their perspective?

            Why not adopt a little humility, and decide that life is not all about you? Why not take the time to make others feel worthy of your respect? Doing so will remove concern from your mind about frivolous, nonsensical things like PC language. You will feel more empowered and independent; you will feel more productive; and those feelings will bring you more personal satisfaction. Most important, you will have more pleasant interactions with others.

            I knew a colleague who was one of those guys who greeted life each day with a smile. He was always ready to lend a helping hand and believed in teamwork. He never took himself too seriously, and loved to defuse conflict with a joke or light-hearted comment. I remember a time during the Christmas holiday when he was exiting the building and passed an employee he didn’t know. He said with a big smile, “Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or bah humbug. Choose your preference!” We all laughed heartily and the employee said, “Right back at you!” And we all went our way with a smile.

            But what if things go a little differently? There’s never a guarantee that any social interaction will be pleasant. What if the employee says something like, “I don’t think that’s funny at all. You know some people don’t like to be reminded about holidays.” How do you handle situations like this? Well, remember that you have no control over how others will react. Maybe they associate Christmas with personal loss; maybe they harbor unresolved anger; maybe they want to be left alone. There are a host of possible reasons for a negative reaction. What can you do? How about a quick apology—“Sorry, didn’t mean to offend.”—and move on. It’s a trivial matter and not worth adding to your stress levels.

Here’s a piece that Dr. Carlea Dries wrote on December 12, 2016, words I like to repeat every year at this time:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… except when it’s not. The holidays usually mean the coming together of family members. Ordinarily this is a welcome time of festive gatherings, exchanging of presents, and special memories made near a roaring fireplace. For some, however, this Norman Rockwell image is drastically different from reality, particularly when recent loss of a loved one is involved. Let’s note that “loss” is not limited to the death; it can also include divorce, hospitalization, incarceration, active duty without a holiday leave, or a family member who moved away. 

Recently, I attended the funeral for my great aunt. Though Marge was 93 and in failing health, her death hit our family rather hard, especially her daughters and sister (my grandmother, who is now the only one left of the original 11 siblings). The sermon during the church service (paraphrased herein) highlighted how this first holiday is going to be different: “You’ll notice the quiet. You’ll notice the missing [specialty food]. You’ll notice the missing chair at the table.” 

While I was at the repast, a good friend of mine texted to say that her parents are getting divorced after more than thirty years of marriage. This news was unexpected and rendered her numb. She just kept asking how it could be real and why, if it had to happen, it had to come so close to Hanukkah. This was supposed to be the first time she would be hosting her family, and now everything was changing. 

How do you cope with the first holiday season in the “next normal” or “new normal”? How do you hold on to a sense of control when things are clearly out of your control?

The most important thing to do, discussed in other blog posts, is to recognize what is in your circle of power. My grandmother can’t bring her sister back. My friend can’t convince her parents to stay together. So, they must try to do what they can: accept what it is and move forward from that point. Yes, that’s easier typed than done.

Some feel consoled by leaving a place at the table for the absent person, but many others find that much more discomforting because it is a visual reminder of the vacancy. You may, therefore, choose to remember the person in a smaller way. I have made ornaments with pictures of departed relatives, reminding me of times we spent together. Every year for Thanksgiving, my mother makes her aunt’s stuffing (though Aunt Petronella called it “dressing”). My mother-in-law uses a picture of her mother as the angel for her crèche. A friend video-chats with her husband who is stationed overseas. For the past 14 years, my father brings homemade goodies to the staff at the nursing home where his parents finished their earthly stories. A colleague mentioned that she has a “moment of reflection” during which everyone present shares a memory, story, or image of those who cannot be with them—one even sings a favorite song!

These simple gestures become meaningful traditions that do not overwhelm us with intense feelings of loss. Rather, they celebrate the lives and connections we had to those who are absent. 

Other coping suggestions include planning a totally new activity that literally takes you away from the familiar reminders of the absent one. Go on a mini-vacation. Celebrate with a different group of people. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter. Service to others is probably the most effective way of coping with personal loss. Keep your mind and body distracted, not to the point where you are ignoring, denying, or detaching from the loss, but to keep you focused on something productive instead of painful. 

No matter what options you are comfortable choosing, you must give yourself permission to feel. There will be moments when you want to do nothing but sit in silence. Other times you will want to do nothing but scream. You might even find yourself smiling or laughing and then feel guilty because how dare you be happy when you are missing someone?! Have “the big, snotty cry” if that is what you want to do. Let yourself feel. Take the time you need. It’s okay to say “no” to invitations; just be sure you don’t let your mourning stop you from living.  

There was also a message of comfort in the sermon for my Aunt (again paraphrased): Marge lives on in your hearts and memories. If you listen in the quiet, you can hear her. If you feel in the still, you can sense her. Remembering means no one ever leaves.

You might not feel better today. You might not feel better tomorrow. But at some point, you will feel that you have moved to the next normal and that will be the next best thing.

We’re at that time of year when millions of children have Santa Clause on their mind. But then someone comes along and tells parents that encouraging the Santa myth will cause their children to mistrust mom and dad. The argument goes that when kids realize there is no jolly guy flying around the world in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, they conclude, “My parents have been lying to me all this time. I’ll never trust them again.” If that’s not bad enough, these “bah humbugers” say that a belief in Santa makes kids vulnerable to peer ridicule and embarrassment: “You believe in Santa? I suppose you also believe in the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny!” There are also those who argue that focusing children on Santa encourages them to overlook the true meaning of Christmas—the birth of Jesus. What’s a parent to do? Talk about stress!

I remember a conversation I had with a former student about this issue. She told me a story that one time, a few days before Christmas, she and her 7-year-old daughter were wrapping presents. She told her daughter they could make one from Santa. “But mom, I know Santa’s not real.” When I asked mom how she handled that, paraphrasing, here’s what she said:

“Well, you know I teach elementary school, and I was ready for it. I admitted there was not a bearded old man in a sleigh. But I brought up some of our family traditions and talked about them with her—things we did, special decorations, meals, all the fun times we had at Christmas. And I asked her, ‘Has Santa been a part of all those fun times? How is Santa in this house? Could it be that we’re all Santa? You, me, your dad, your little brother? And what is it that makes us Santa?’ My daughter nailed this one and said, ‘We give each other presents!’ Building on that insight I went into some comments about giving and receiving, that both are blessings because they bring us together as a family. I said, ‘That’s who Santa is. All of us, and it’s one of the things that shows each of us that we love each other.’ She looked a little puzzled, but I could tell she was soaking it all in like a sponge.”

The stuff about seeding mistrust in children by lying to them about Santa is nonsense. An isolated deception about a real Santa is not going to sow mistrust of parents in an overall warm, supportive family filled with love and positive guidance. Furthermore, as Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget showed us, children’s understanding about their world progresses through stages, and the first stage is very primitive and concrete. Try to explain to a 3-year-old that Santa is symbolic of the gifts of giving and receiving, and other things that define a family and love. Good luck. But, believe it or not, the vision of a jolly, smiling guy being towed through the sky by a bunch of flying reindeer is preparing the child’s mind for understanding greater mysteries about giving and receiving, love and forgiveness, to be grappled with at a later age with a more physically-matured brain. The fact is, the early belief in the real Santa is not at all incompatible with appreciating at a later age the significance of what’s really going on in that Bethlehem stable.

There’s a coping lesson here: Put more Santa into your life throughout the year. The reality of Santa embodies the principles of effective coping with stress: Get outside yourself and give service and support to others; likewise, receive what others bring you, which allows you to give to another the special blessing of giving. Keeping Santa’s Ho-Ho-Ho in your heart will help you establish a psychologically healthy daily legacy that is based on making others—and yourself— feel good.

The young man had the rapt attention of his college classmates when he spoke:

“I was 8 years old, a long way from puberty. I was watching an episode of the old Star Trek TV show from the ‘60s. There was a scene when Captain Kirk had no shirt on, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I didn’t feel any sexual attraction, but I just wanted to wrap myself around that chest. Years later as I moved past puberty and into my teens, I realized that I was sexually attracted to guys, not girls. I remember thinking back to my Captain Kirk episode and being surprised; I guess my brain realized I was gay before my body did.”

For two reasons, this classroom comment was not as surprising as you might think. First, the student was well-known on campus as gay, and he made no attempt to hide his orientation. Second, in class that day we were discussing the psychology of sexual attraction, and had begun talking about whether our attractions were based on conscious choice or an inborn nature present at birth. The question I had posed to the class was simple: “Do you think a therapist could use psychological persuasion techniques to change your sexual orientation?”

After telling his Kirk story, the young man answered my question: “Absolutely not. I did not choose to be gay. It’s who I was at 8 and it’s who I am now. No therapist could possibly change that.” A conversion therapist would disagree with that last sentence. Conversion therapies for homosexual attraction began in the 1960s, and were designed for those who were bothered by their sexual preference and wanted to change to conform better to larger society. The therapy model was based on fundamental conditioning principles: For a homosexual male, combine images of attractive men with pain, and images of attractive women with pleasure. One version of this therapy was called “Playboy Therapy.” A homosexual man would sit in front of a screen. At times, a photo of a naked attractive man would appear on the screen, and be accompanied by a very painful shock to the client. The shock would end when a new picture, a relief stimulus, appeared, a naked Playboy centerfold. The idea was to condition the client to consider the naked male disgusting and the naked female pleasing. Variations of conversion therapies were widespread in the ‘60s and ‘70s and were, at best, “behaviorism gone wild.” Plus, and most importantly, they not only did not work in changing one’s sexual preference, but they also often resulted in significant psychological harm to the client.

Conversion Therapy in 2025 has expanded beyond the conditioning model of 60 years ago, and challenges clients in core personality areas of self-esteem and self-understanding with potentially devastating messages: You are confused over who you are and who you should be; you are sick, broken, pathological, disordered, and need to be repaired; you have lost your decency; you cannot trust yourself and should feel shame, guilt, and self-hatred. Most psychologists believe that such attacks on a client’s personality dynamics run counter to the foundation, goals, and ethics of psychotherapy, and can pose a risk to the psychological stability of the client. How do they advise clients who feel out of the mainstream when it comes to sexual attraction, and who feel anxiety, identity problems, or other emotional difficulties? Many advise such clients to confront their reactions to their homosexual inclinations, not the inclinations themselves. They caution that denying and trying to change those inclinations through counseling might cause more problems in the long run. Clients may be better off going into counseling not to change who attracts them, but to adjust their thinking about who they are; to realize that it’s OK to be who they are, and to use therapy to help them move toward acceptance of that reality. (This description, of course, is a simplified analysis of what can be very complex therapy)

Conversion Therapy is still with us in 2025, even though 27 states and D.C., Puerto Rico, and more than 100 municipalities have instituted bans on the therapy. However, a case—Chiles vs Salazar—is presently before the Supreme Court, challenging Colorado’s Minor Conversion Therapy Law, which bans the therapy for minors by licensed mental health professionals. The plaintiff claims the law restricts first amendment rights, and therapists should be free to engage in conversion therapy with willing clients.

Do you have a friend or family member who has little interest in the rights and feelings of others; has no obvious values, standards, or moral compass that guide actions; regularly manipulates, deceives, and takes advantage of others for personal gain; feels no remorse when actions bring discomfort to others; is impulsive and reckless with minimal regard for the consequences of unlawful behavior; is prone to substance abuse and addiction. This profile is typical of those with Antisocial Personality Disorder. They are the “black sheep” in the family. They can be very charming and witty, but also quite skillful at manipulating others to satisfy their own needs and goals, usually at the expense of someone else’s welfare. Not surprisingly, they are not very good at maintaining stable relationships. Others are simply there to be used and then tossed aside. In everyday conversation we often refer to these people as “sociopaths” or “psychopaths,” and, in fact, these conditions would be included in a formal definition of the antisocial personality.

Antisocial tendencies can appear in childhood. The path to this personality disorder results in kids who are mostly unresponsive to threats of punishment, and don’t seem to be bothered much by typical childhood stressors, such as peer pressure, bullies, or rules at home and school. The deception, disregard for others, and failure to conform to social rules seen in adult antisocial disorder is already present when they are children. Children who manifest the antisocial patterns are at the opposite end of the anxiety scale from children who are shy, inhibited, fearful, reactive to stressors, and motivated to follow rules. These anxiety-dominated kids are “marinated in guilt,” whereas the antisocial kids are largely immune from remorse and conscience.

Can the antisocial personality be helped? The challenges here are daunting. Counseling—talk therapy—methods are generally based on helping clients deal with their stress, anxiety, and avoidance tendencies. For the most part, these are not concerns for antisocial people; they do not suffer from stress and anxiety, are not afflicted with guilt issues, and have a “who cares” attitude when actions (robbing a store) are likely to result in punishment (jail). In short, there is little for a counselor to work with.

There is evidence showing a genetic basis to the antisocial personality disorder, a basis that manifests its effects on the prefrontal cortex of the brain. This area has been called the executive center of the brain, and is what gives us humans higher-level cognitive characteristics like judgment and morality. Genetics may also be expressed in the reactivity of the nervous system. For instance, if you’re born with an over-reactive nervous system—highly sensitive to pain and threats of pain—you will likely be prone to anxiety and seek to avoid stressful situations and obey rules. If, however, you have a highly under-reactive nervous system, you are at risk for antisocial personality disorder because you don’t feel much pain and need to find extreme activities to generate interest. At Halloween, the former kid will get a rush by going trick-or-treating; the latter kid will only get a rush by vandalizing porches and stealing from other kids while trick-or-treating.

Family and friends face considerable hurdles when trying to help the antisocial personality, whether a child or an adult. One thing for sure: reasoning with them, appealing to their sense of fair play, threatening them with punishment, and reminding them that you are always there for them…these strategies that work so well with those who have feelings and empathy for others, are unlikely to be successful with antisocial personalities. In fact, they are likely to see you as weak and vulnerable to manipulation, and be encouraged to distract you with their charm.

A common dilemma for many seeking counseling: should I take medication? Tim is a client in psychotherapy. He sought help because, “I don’t have the feelings like most people. Nice things don’t make me feel happy. If my kids do good, that’s nice but…[and he shrugs his shoulders]. My wife and I might out, and later she says, ‘That was fun.’ Me? Nothing. I have a great wife, healthy kids, and a good home and family life. But nothing seems to make me happy like other people. I’m just blah, all flat.”

Tim had already seen a number of doctors over an extended period to time, but he never received a full psychological assessment. Not surprisingly, he received many different medications on a trial-and-error, “Let’s see if this helps,” basis. The list of medications is familiar: Effexor, Zoloft, Prozac, Lamictal, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Strattera, Risperdal, Xanax, and Wellbutrin. When Tim came to his current therapy with a psychologist, he was frustrated that the cocktail of prescription drugs was not working. The psychologist gave him a full range of psychological testing to get an objective sense of his psychological functioning. The test data indicated a schizoid personality disorder.

Schizoids are introverts who do not receive much positive emotion in their social interactions. They like and love other people more intellectually than emotionally. They are emotionally flat and “colorless.” They show a narrow range of emotions, but seldom express them in any animated or spontaneous way. They show a definite preference for solitary activities. In a sense, schizoids are like unfeeling robots who go through life efficiently, but emotionless.

Tim’s diagnosis explained why his previous treatment regimens were so unsuccessful: personality disorders do not respond to anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, and anti-psychotic medications. Tim’s problem was that he viewed himself as flawed and frustrated with his emotionless reactions to life; he had difficulty accepting himself. His problem was with his thinking and his behavior, problems that needed to be changed and controlled by Tim, not by medication. Cognitive psychotherapy with Tim targeted his biased views of himself to get him to face his difficulties from a different perspective. He had always put himself down as being weird and inferior. He needed to consider the fact, however, that being different from others does not equal being weird and inferior. Also, he needed to consider some advantages that resulted from his emotionless tendencies. Many people are overwhelmed by emotionally-driven stressors and problems; Tim’s relative lack of emotion, on the other hand, protected him from such difficulties. His presumed “problem” could be recast in his mind from a glass-half-full perspective rather than a glass-half-empty one. Tim slowly began to accept himself more and improve his self-concept. Most importantly, he realized it was futile and self-defeating to reject his personality style. He began to understand that schizoid personality characteristics are relatively stable ones during adulthood; it was unrealistic for him to think these characteristics would change substantially, even with long-term (and expensive) therapy. It was better, therefore, to be more accepting of his schizoid characteristics, and to put those characteristics to work for him in more positive ways. As Tim came to accept his schizoid characteristics more, his confidence and assertiveness grew, and he evaluated himself in more realistic fashion. He stopped fighting and rejecting himself like he had for so many years. He moved forward, facing himself and making what he had thought was a weakness work for him, not against him.

We describe Tim’s case to argue for the importance of diagnostic psychological assessment before designing a treatment plan; we do not describe his case to argue against the use of psychiatric medication in treating psychological issues. In fact, it is important to remember that both medication and psychotherapy play appropriate roles in treating many problems, and many studies find that a combination of drugs and therapy works better than either one alone. It is also safe to say that each approach can be appropriate at different points in the treatment regimen. That is, medications can provide quick early relief from intense suffering, while psychotherapy can give wider and more lasting relief.

What is it with parents today? From K-12 and into college, why will some parents not let teachers and administrators do what they are trained to do? Why do some parents get in the way and prevent self-discovery by their kids? Why do some parents enable and justify their kids’ behavior by defending them? Why do some parents protect and shelter their kids so much that their kids never learn how to evaluate their own role—“Am I to blame for what just happened?—in various situations. More and more parents today seem to feel that only they are capable of deciding what is good for their kids. Many of today’s parents are defensive when teachers, police, and other agents in society try to enforce rules of behavior because parents feel that is an intrusion on parental territory, that only parents can determine what is best for their child.

This message is beginning to permeate society: a parent complaint to a school board can get a book banned; parents are deciding certain courses—Algebra is a headliner—are not needed to get a job, so school boards should remove those courses as diploma requirements; parents are micromanaging the classroom and dictating to teachers what they can teach—Florida has banned classroom instruction from elementary school through college of any topic dealing with DEI (diversity, equality, inclusion); an amendment to a Florida law said that parents should determine if their child should be promoted to 4^th grade (the amendment was eventually removed); Oklahoma schools must teach the Bible and 10 Commandments. (This dictate has also been rescinded.) The result of these actions is that we are producing generations of kids who cannot think for themselves, who fail to acquire a social conscience that includes personal accountability, and who develop low self-esteem that makes them passive, anxiety-ridden, and dependent on others for guidance. In short, too many parents— possibly driven by a need to protect their own fragile egos—are dumbing down their kids intellectually, emotionally, and socially.

Why? What factors cause parents to be so overinvolved in their kids’ lives? Here are some possibilities. Do you recognize yourself in any of them? (1) The parents are showing a pattern of control that began when their child was quite young. Terrified that the kid would get into the wrong crowd, become a drug user, or be tempted in a world fraught with sex and AIDS, they began to micromanage the kid’s activities virtually 24 hours a day; now they cannot break this automatic behavior pattern. (2) The parents do not trust their kid. They see their son or daughter as lacking in ability and judgment; they believe their child’s success will only come as a result of the parents’ intervention. (3) The parents are convinced that competence and self-esteem result from success; failure must be avoided at all costs. Thus, they shelter the child from failure so high self-esteem will result. (4) The parents may reflect on their own adolescence and young adulthood. Perhaps they want to make sure their children have more focus and direction at a young age than they—parents—did. Just as parents who grew up during the great depression resolved that their children would have better opportunities, maybe these parents want to make sure their kids are insulated from a world fraught with alcohol, crime, drugs, and casual sex. (5) The parents may fear looking like they are ineffective and failures in their childrearing. They can’t say that their kid is accountable because that is an admission that, “I, too, am accountable because I did a lousy job of raising this person to be a responsible adult.” What we have, therefore, is a situation where both parents and child are at fault, but neither is willing to face that fact.

Being a parent is a full-time job. This particular job is unique, however, because the ultimate goal of this job holder is unemployment. Many of today’s parents are moving that goal out of reach.

Some professionals believe serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) like Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, and Celexa have the power to change one’s personality—defined as relatively stable, enduring patterns of behaviors and thoughts that characterize the individual. Yes, a client can have enhanced self-esteem and diminished sensitivity to criticism and rejection while on medication, but do these changes mean that changes in their personality have occurred?

Many professionals do not think so. First, if these medications are so powerful in changing personality, then how do we explain the many instances when no significant or enduring clinical effects occur?  Second, research shows that patients’ symptoms often return when they stop taking medication. Again, the drugs produce no enduring changes in one’s character traits; changes are temporary and superficial. Third, we cannot separate taking anti-depressant medication from the knowledge one is doing so, or from the fact that behavior or situational changes might occur while taking the medication. Thus, if you think, feel, or act differently while on medication, you may attribute these changes to the medication; but the true cause may be an expectancy (placebo) effect, or situational changes in your life, or changes due to your ongoing psychotherapy. Fourth, when they work, anti-depressants tend to return the patient to that personality manifest prior to the depression problem. The medication does not permanently change personality.

Permanent changes in your personality require conscious and concerted effort to change your behavior. If you change your behavior while on anti-depressant medication, you may think you have undergone personality change. Without some deliberate attempt to change your behavior, however, there is no permanent and fundamental change in personality as we defined it. Anti-depressants—which can restore your optimism, confidence, energy, and sociability—do not appear to permanently change your characteristic ways of thinking and acting. But that’s OK, and feeling that you are a “new person” is also OK. It helps to remember, however, that the medicine has treated symptoms; you are the same person you were before the med regimen. That means you must use the newly-found energy and optimism to face your core conflicts and work toward modifying your personality characteristics to help you live a more productive and satisfying life. That effort must come from you because it will not come from the medication.

Every parent has heard it: You ask your 9-year old son why he cheated on his test in school. His answer, “Well what about Johnny? He cheats all the time.” What about…? This desperate attempt to avoid accepting accountability is hardly limited to children. Few politicians can complete their tenure in office without pleading, “You criticize me for this action, when it was shown again and again by my predecessor. What about her?”

When coping strategies are the issue, justifying your mistakes by appealing to the mistakes of others is a poor strategy because it allows you to avoid taking productive actions to correct the mistakes. Imagine a coach after a game saying, “We made a lot of mistakes today, but so did the other team, so we’re OK.” No coach would excuse his team’s mistakes because the opponent also made them. Instead, that coach would tell the team, “We have a lot of mistakes we need to correct before our next game, so be ready for some tough practices this week.” Mike Krzyzewski, Duke basketball coach, was so irritated after a loss at Virginia, when the team returned to campus at 1AM he said, “Everyone suit up. We’re going to have a practice and correct some of the mistakes we made tonight.” 

Whataboutism is a close cousin of rationalization. You got caught and you cannot accept responsibility for your action. You screwed up big time but to admit it would be a serious blow to your fragile ego. So, you shout out, “I only did what everyone else does!” When it comes to coping, whataboutism is just another one of those exercises in denial. How can you be to blame when everyone else does it? Your denial protects your ego, but it is damaged, weaker than before, and vulnerable to severe consequences next time. Eventually, you will fall into a whirlpool of increasing anxiety, helplessness, and depression.

When you make a mistake, and the fault is yours, face up to it. Accept it and take responsibility. But most importantly, develop a correction plan to make sure the mistake is not likely to occur again. That is what we mean by effective coping—not trying to subdue your anxiety or other negative emotions that result from your mistakes with excuses, but charting a new course of action that makes your mistakes less likely in the future. This strategy also helps when something is not your fault. A college student, Lucy, receives an uncharacteristically low grade on a test, and she tells her roommate, “Something’s wrong here. I know it’s not my fault I got that low grade.” Her roomie says, “Oh, cut the crap and stop rationalizing. You probably didn’t study enough. You’re not perfect so face up to it and dump the excuses.” Lucy, however, persists and discovers that the test covered text chapters 6-12, but according to the course syllabus, it was supposed to cover 6-10. Lucy went to the professor and pointed out the problem: “I never read chapters 11 and 12 because they weren’t supposed to be covered. That’s why I got the low grade.” The prof agreed and adjusted the test scores with questions from chapters 11 and 12 eliminated.

Here are the coping lessons: First, when you do something wrong, do not justify your mistake by saying, “Well, everyone does it.” Second, when you fail, it is totally appropriate to examine why. Carefully and objectively collect evidence to determine if you, or someone else, is at fault. If it is you, accept it, take responsibility, and take corrective action to improve. If it is someone else, confront them or an appropriate third party to make sure the blame is correctly placed. In this case you are not being ego-defensive; you are coping well.