Psychology and Stress

Pharmaceutical company advertisements tell consumers that their anxiety, depression, or other psychological difficulty results from a “chemical imbalance” in the brain, and their product will restore balance. One can argue that being told you are depressed because you have a neurotransmitter deficiency is analogous to being told you have a headache because you have an aspirin deficit in your body. You take the aspirin, the imbalance is removed, and the headache goes away. Unfortunately, if the headache is caused by family or school pressures, trying to keep a friend’s secret, or some other problem the aspirin is not affecting, your headache will return.   By the same token, if your psychological symptoms are caused by an inability to deal with personal difficulties in life, those symptoms may linger in spite of taking psychiatric medication; the drug is not solving your difficulties.

Psychiatric medication can be helpful in many cases involving psychological symptoms. Its use, however, should not be jumped into without considerable thought and advice from a variety of professionals. Medicine is only one arm of the mental health system; you should also listen to psychologists, social workers, and counselors who bring a variety of perspectives to the table. Also, remember that taking multiple drugs can have unexpected side effects, and affect the brain in ways we still do not understand. For instance, there is evidence that certain types of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic medications can increase the risk of dementia. Furthermore, there is evidence showing that standard (not psychiatric) prescription medications taken for a variety of physical ailments, can result in mood disorders, especially depression, and make one highly susceptible to extreme complications, even suicide.

Sometimes parents are conflicted when psychiatric meds are recommended for their teenage, or even younger, kids. When young people are the clients, whose brains are still developing, potential dangers can be magnified, and the caution about getting multiple perspectives is even more crucial. Whether children or adults, however, when considering psychiatric medication for your problems, go into it with your eyes open. Such medication can be a huge help to many people; it can also be a big waste of time—and carry health risks—for many others.

The candidacy of Kamala Harris is resurrecting the old chauvinistic attitudes of women’s appropriate place in society, and stoking the pre-Betty Friedan anxieties of women in America. Prejudicial attitudes toward women have never died out, but for the past 60 years they have largely been dormant. Now, however, thanks to high-profile conservative politicians, childless women are described as second-class, and exaltation of family values trumps women’s career aspirations. Furthermore, it is not adulterous men who threaten those values; no, it is working—especially childless—women who are the threats. Yes, ladies, it’s back: you belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or you are a traitor to your gender and country. As society rushes toward more conservative values, conservatives push the message that the working woman is in a pressure-cooker environment that renders her too tired at the end of the day to devote quality time to her family and other domestic issues. The family suffers. From a psychological perspective, this is an unsubstantiated and unfair characterization that puts needless pressure and guilt on many women. Working women listen carefully: it is the quality of time with your family that matters, not necessarily the amount of time. Your career is not an inherent threat to your family.

There are some interesting research findings in this area. Working women are usually found to be psychologically and physically healthy. Compared to non-working women, those who work show lower cholesterol levels; have a lower incidence of general illness; are less depressed; and say that their job gives them an outlet for the stresses of domestic duties. These findings do not mean that stay-at-home moms should get out there in the workplace so they can be healthier! The point is, if women are doing what makes them comfortable and satisfied, they’re going to be fine. Many moms want to be stay-at-home caregivers, and doing so gives them satisfaction, pleasure, a sense of purpose, and a healthy slice of personal identity. Some moms extend this role when the kids reach school age, and they home school the kids.

Other women, however, may want to pursue a career outside the home, even if they have young children. Doing so, of course, sometimes carries the danger of instilling guilt: “Am I doing what’s best for my spouse and kids? Am I thinking about them, or am I being selfish and thinking only of myself?” To all you working moms out there, you have no need to fear playing multiple roles—career woman and mom—and still providing an emotionally rich and healthy environment for your kids, spouse, and yourself. With appropriate planning, organization, and flexibility, you can cope quite well.

If you are having some guilt about work causing separation from your children, here are some things to consider. They are obvious and simple things, but most actions that help you cope effectively are obvious and simple: Remember that working is not the issue; the things you do with your kids after work is the issue. You can involve the kids in dinner preparation, even if it means removing take-out from boxes. Help your kids with their homework every evening. If they’re not yet in school, do some learning activities with them that are appropriate for their level of cognitive development. Do physical activities with them, again ones appropriate to their developmental level. Schedule a special “talking with mom” time each evening. This is their time with you, so let them determine the direction of conversation. If they are involved in formal school activities like sports, plays, band, etc., support these activities and attend events.

We bet you could add lots of actions to this list. Just remember that effective coping actions do not have to be complex. Problems tend to develop when we complicate issues, so focus on the obvious and simple things. One final note: although we directed our comments at moms, they also apply to dads. Men often serve as primary or co-primary caregivers, either as single dads or as working dads whose wife is also working. We didn’t mean to leave you out guys, so consider our effective coping actions as also applying to you. Comfort level is the key. In fact, whether man or woman, heading home on Friday for a weekend with the kids after a particularly tough week might be very pleasant and invigorating. By the same token, heading to work on Monday after a weekend of dealing with diapers, tantrums, and crying might be equally pleasant and invigorating!

            Scottie Davis Winslow of Optum Consulting asks working people, “How can you achieve that balance between the demands of the workplace and the obligations of everyday life outside the workplace?” Those obligations could be as simple as grocery shopping and picking up the cleaning, or more involved like finding time to be with spouse or children and caring for elderly parents. No matter what the obligation, when work interferes with everyday life you can suffer significant stress. How should you handle it? Some of Winslow’s suggestions:

            Identify your goals and values and make sure family, friends, and those depending on you understand where you’re coming from. [We often point out in this blog how you need to link your values to your coping actions.]

            Communicate to others the various parts of your life, your priorities, and seek others’ help in achieving them to everyone’s satisfaction. For instance, if your kids understand and accept that you are not available for them all the time, they are likely to be more willing to work with you to find that quality time with them on a regular basis.

            Do not get into the perpetual “apology” mode. Do you frequently feel guilty and say, “I’m sorry”? Do you feel that the things you do for others must always take precedence over what you need to do for yourself now and then? Sometimes effective coping requires you to be a little selfish and tend to yourself. Don’t be afraid to include yourself in your priorities. Ignoring your physical and mental well-being to serve others can be destructive in the long run. [Humility is one cornerstone of our model of effective coping. That means to remember that you are not the prime ingredient in all you do, and you should not take yourself too seriously. It does not mean you must subjugate yourself to the whims of others.]

            Regularly monitor and adjust your daily priorities to meet unexpected situations. Plans go awry; circumstances change; new priorities insert themselves into your daily routine. Your task is to adjust, adapt, and let your coping efforts evolve to meet the changing requirements in your daily life. [Adapting to change is accepting reality, another cornerstone of this blog’s coping model.]

            Winslow offers some useful and proactive suggestions, and we regularly touch on them in this blog. Woman or man, husband or wife, these suggestions can greatly improve one’s coping skills. And let’s not forget an additional piece of reassurance specifically for working moms. Did you know that women who work are often better off psychologically and physically than women who don’t? Now don’t take that statement as criticism of stay-at-home moms. Many such moms are perfectly happy, and some working moms are miserable. Keep your coping efforts relevant to your needs.

There’s a lot of denial out there. People deny that it’s time to go to the dentist to check out a tooth that’s bothering them; older workers say, “Not ready to retire yet; I can out work anyone on the line”; grandpa refuses to give up the car keys; a woman’s son is in and out of trouble with the cops, but she insists, “He’s doing fine; just trying to find himself.” And on it goes. In the world of psychology, denial boils down to avoidance of facing challenges, and admitting who you are and what you can do when you are faced with stress. Denial is avoidance, and avoidance is the primary obstacle to coping with stress. When you are struggling to cope with stress, ask yourself, “What am I avoiding?”

If you work hard to avoid stress in your life, you will stop living! Stress is a vital part of being alive, and trying to eliminate it is a losing strategy. In fact, you’ll end up not only alone, but also lonely. You’ll suffer despair, helplessness, and hopelessness; your self-esteem and confidence will be in the toilet; your world will spin out of control, and the next stop on your life path will be, sorry to say, depression.

Stress, challenges, obstacles, hard work, frustration, anger, anxiety, and a host of other things you prefer to avoid must not be avoided. Challenges are a part of life, and those bothersome emotions are a part of you, not alien invaders. To try and avoid them will compromise your very being. So rather than avoid, attack! Confront challenges, meet them head on, deal with them, and try to resolve them. Accept your emotions as a part of who you are, and use their energy to empower yourself. Effective coping does not mean whining about how unfair it all is, or wearing a badge saying “anxiety sufferer” on your chest. Those are avoidance actions. Rather, strengthen yourself by downsizing that ego of yours and go into attack mode! Confront the stress and face the fact that you have some weaknesses. The result will be that you become stronger and better equipped to cope with everyday stresses.

Going into attack mode is difficult, and it may sound impossible to do, but if you are willing to play by the rules, you can learn how to devise a plan to have more meaningful, satisfying, and productive outcomes in your life. Your plan must include specific actions to take. Avoidance actions? No, not unless you have no control over the person or the situation, and in that case, you must disengage and avoid. Directing personal empowerment at events over which you have no control is a waste of time and self-defeating. Focus on those things you can control: your thoughts and your actions.

In carrying out your plan remember to live in the present, accept your emotions and the stress in your life, learn from your failures, and keep in fighting shape with healthy exercise and diet. Above all, remember that positive actions are more powerful than positive thoughts, so structure your plan around positive actions. Here are some suggestions: Stop apologizing to yourself or others for being emotional in certain situations; channel your stress into productive activities like volunteering and serving others, joining a gym, taking a surprise family outing, having lunch with friends, or other enjoyable things. Keep a record of when you feel stressed and what you are doing at the time; don’t focus on the stress or the emotions you feel, but on realistic and positive actions you can take; schedule stressful events at times when you expect relatively few demands on you; devote high-quality time to important aspects of your life, such as marriage, career, friendships and family; In confrontational situations, take slow, deep, steady breaths and concentrate on making calm but assertive comments; monitor and modify your negative, self-defeating thoughts.

That last item is important. People often ask, “How do I control my thoughts? How do I stop thinking negative things, self-critical thoughts? How do I handle all those ideas that are downers and torment me?” How about this: perform positive, constructive actions that bring you a sense of satisfaction and empowerment. Do that workout at the gym; serve lunch to the homeless in a soup kitchen; call a friend and say, “I was just wondering if you had anything going on that I can help you with.” Then you can think about those actions during the day. Not only will you be teaching yourself to think positively, but you will also get a sense of fulfillment, peace, and competence. You’ll feel better about yourself, with the added benefit of being less stressed out.

Relationship problem? Ask yourself some questions: (1) Who do I feel I have to be in this relationship to make it work? (2) Do I like myself in this role? (3) Does this relationship help me expand my own sense of self? (4) What pronoun predominates my conversations—“I” or “We”? (5) How well do you feel your partner knows you? (5) Does the relationship make you want to be a better person? Questions like these can help you determine if your relationship is one of codependency. Definitions of codependency vary, but most a focus on the idea of self-sacrifice: one partner suppresses their own emotions in favor of the partner’s feelings, and attempts to control or fix other partner’s problems. For an example, let’s consider Donna.

Donna had an alcoholic, lazy father, and a co-dependent mother who generally lived in denial about problems in the family. The mother was very good at making Donna feel guilty if she did not help around the house. She also sought sympathy from Donna for being such a martyr in putting up with Donna’s no-good father. Donna remembers her father as an alcoholic since she was twelve years old: “He was a lawyer but was unemployed much of the time. He sat around and watched TV all day. Mom basically enabled this behavior by acting like nothing was wrong or that he just wasn’t even around. It was weird,” Donna remembers. “He always managed to leech money from her for his addiction. I’ve often wondered why I felt unemotional during my high school years.”

Donna met Phil while living at home and in college. Phil was in counseling for ADHD, anger management, bipolar disorder, and depression. Donna still found him attractive, plus she believed she could help him. After they had been dating for about a year, Donna began going to counseling sessions with Phil because they had begun having some problems in their relationship. She felt he was trying to control her life, watching her every move, and making considerable demands on her. For instance, he was calling her on the phone several times a day, asking what she was doing, not in a casual “How is everything?” tone, but in a confrontational “Are you behaving?” tone. Invariably, an argument would begin during the calls. When asked about the obsessive calling, Phil said he could not stop himself. He said, “I would heat up in a blind rage. I couldn’t control myself. I just had to know what Donna was up to and try to control her.” Phil came from a family that had a lot of money, and he was used to getting whatever he wanted. His entitlement expectation grew and continued into adulthood, and he developed a lot of narcissistic traits.

One day while eating out with friends, Donna and Phil had a huge fight after she innocently offered some food to one of his friends. After they left the restaurant and were in the car in the restaurant parking lot, he blew up and literally screamed at her: “You were flirting with him all night. If you want him, get the hell out of my car.” She jumped out and had to run to catch up with the other couple to get a ride home. Meanwhile, Phil sped by them recklessly in the parking lot. Phil would often drive dangerously when Donna was in the car, and threaten to kill himself, saying things like, “How about if I kill myself? Would you like that? I’m driving fast now. I’m gonna kill myself and it’ll be your fault.”

Donna, ever self-sacrificing, stayed with Phil for more than three years. In spite of the rough moments, she found him mostly sweet, fun, and romantic. She also felt they had a lot in common. It took her a long time to realize that his kindness was usually serving a purpose for him; Phil was simply a very manipulative, controlling, dominating type. For instance, after a big fight he would be sweet to her, crying and saying, “I’m sorry, I love you so much.” Then, he would bring her flowers or candy. Donna says, “He was the best boyfriend, and the worst boyfriend.”

Finally, Donna gave Phil an ultimatum: Change his ways or she was walking. Phil kicked the manipulative moves into high gear, but she stuck to her guns, although only with great effort and help. She eventually had to have her friends next to her to help her break up with him over the phone. She said, “I would not have been strong enough to break up with him alone and face-to-face. He was just too strong.”

Donna gained much by ending her relationship with Phil. She also continued in counseling and acquired much insight into the dynamics underlying her own actions, and those of significant others like her mother and father, whose influence put her on the road to becoming a self-sacrificer. Her progress showed her potential to develop a solid marriage and family life, should she meet an appropriate partner in the future.

Do you care too much about what other people think of you? Are you frequently self-conscious in situations when others are around, and find yourself obsessing about questions you direct at yourself: “Do they hate me?” “Am I weird to them?” “Do they think I’m a klutz?” “Why can’t I be better?” “Why do I worry so much about what people think?” That last one is a good question because you have no control over what others think about you. What you do have is some control over your reactions when you think others are “sizing you up,” and—in your mind at least—deciding you’re not very competent. You might be willing to admit that your concern is pretty irrational, and should be discarded. Ah, but that’s easier said than done, isn’t it? After all, challenging your own rationality is difficult. There are, however. some “first steps” you can take to begin the process.

First, keep reminding yourself that you have no control over what others think about you. Try this self-talk: “Their thoughts are their problem, and there’s no need for me to make their problem my problem.” That kind of reminder can help you focus on you and not on them; you can exercise some control over the former, but not the latter. The fact is, the best way to stop worrying about what others may think of you is to become comfortable with yourself, who you are—your strengths, weaknesses, and someone who works to be the best they can be. Instead of ruminating over what others think, find activities—especially those that help others—that give you a sense of self-esteem and self-worth, activities that help you feel “secure in your own skin.”

Second, it helps to be alert for specific situations where wondering what others think becomes an anxiety issue for you. In those situations, consider clearing the air by asking them. If you’re losing sleep over someone you’re pretty comfortable with—like your work colleague who lately seems to be acting “different” when you’re around, or your best friend who suddenly seems too busy to talk—a simple solution to your distress is to straight-up ask them:  “You know, sometimes I wonder what you think of me, especially when you’re watching me do something. And lately you always seem busy when I’m looking to chat awhile. What’s with that?”

Finally, remember that obsessing over what others may be thinking about you isn’t going to make your worries go away or make you feel better. One thing that will help you with that is for you to engage in activities that bring you a sense of satisfaction and make you feel useful and less anxious. Such engagement is largely under your control, and can help you focus on finding and being yourself and all you can be, rather than stressing about living up to the expectations of others.

One Saturday morning, Marty got fed up with himself and told his wife: “I’m tired of worrying about how Ben [his next-door neighbor] seems to want to hang out with Phil [another neighbor] more than me. I swear I spend too much time on the lookout for Ben so I can go next door and ask him if I can help him with anything. I think I’ll drive down to the community center and help out with that food distribution program I read about in the paper.”

Marty got home 4 hours later. His wife said, “Wow! They must have kept you busy.” He replied, “You wouldn’t believe the size of this operation. I’ll bet we had 20 volunteers packing up food boxes for distribution. Sally and Adam from down the street were there. We loaded everything into car trunks and headed out to deliver. Everyone had a list of addresses. It was so well organized and the people were so appreciative. I really felt useful and can’t wait for next week. You’ll have to come along.” “Maybe so,” she said. “Oh, by the way, Ben is looking for you to help him with something.” “OK,” Marty said, “maybe later. Right now I have to call Daniel who runs the community food program. When he heard I worked in marketing, he asked if I could help him design some PR strategies for getting more volunteers.”

Reaching out, serving others, and doing things that make you feel useful and bring you satisfaction: A perfect antidote to self-doubts and worrying about what others think of you.

Helicopter parents have produced generations of offspring with a sense of entitlement; who are self-absorbed; who lack self-trust and self-sufficiency; and who are more comfortable relating to others from an emotional platform than from a problem-solving platform. Psychologists regularly point out these and other problems when parents excessively involve themselves in their children’s lives. Many of our posts emphasize how domineering and controlling parents do not allow their children to learn from their mistakes, or develop the independence and autonomy needed to face life’s challenges. Of course, this emphasis on the traits that children develop is only part of the helicopter-parent picture; what about the personality dynamics in parents that dispose them to become overbearing? Should we not also focus on conflicts and insecurities that plague the parents and cause them to be overly controlling?

Consider Rosalie. If ever there was a controlling, domineering, and always-present parent in children’s lives, it was Rosalie. In fact, she basked and thrived in the joy brought her by being the most influential figure in her three children’s lives. Eventually, however, reality caught up with her, and 52-year-old Rosalie decided her life was without purpose. Why? The last of her three children had just graduated from college, and—like his siblings before him—had moved away to pursue a career. Rosalie’s 28-year marriage seemed stable, although she had begun developing “mood” problems, and her husband had become friendly with a woman at work, which bothered Rosalie considerably. Her physician prescribed various anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications with minimal success. She developed medical problems that were not life threatening, but they added to her general stress. She decided to try counseling.

Rosalie told her counselor that her purpose for living was over because her children were independent and did not need her any longer. The counselor pointed out that their independence was a testament to her excellent childrearing. Rosalie, however, could no longer find life goals consistent with her values, because she defined those values solely by her constant presence in her children’s lives. “My kids are gone. I am not physically watching over them every day. How can I continue to see myself as an effective mother?”  Rosalie always had deep anxiety issues about her ability as a parent; she dealt with that anxiety by defining her effectiveness as a parent simply by her constant presence in her children’s lives, not by how well she was teaching them to cope, or by the emotional support she could provide them when they became adults.

Within a year after her last child’s graduation, Rosalie terminated counseling, and a couple of weeks later she committed suicide at home. Hundreds of people attended her funeral, stunned with questions and disbelief. Rosalie, who had come to believe that her life had been stripped of friends and loved ones, probably would have been surprised to see how loved and appreciated she really was. But Rosalie could only see her self-worth by being always present for her children as they grew toward adulthood.

Rosalie’s final action is not typical, but her case raises the issue of how hard it can be for many parents to find new purpose in life after their kids grow and leave home. Most parents do so successfully, but we must always be alert to signs that, like Rosalie, they might feel they are falling short.

Last week we talked about how some people need to be perfect in everything they do. Unfortunately, this tendency can lead to a lot of stress. We noted what a student, Zhao, does to deal with his perfectionistic needs and, in the process, reduce his stress. Zhao says, “I must be perfect when I have an assignment. I know that, but use it to make me focus on the assignment. I outline the important parts of the assignment and make sure I do not overlook any of them. Every part gets my attention—in time.  If I reach a block, I get information I need to remove the block no matter how long it takes. I must solve the block or I am not moving forward, and if I am not moving forward, I am not going to be perfect.” Zhao’s approach requires a lot of mental discipline, something most of us do not have. In this second discussion, we describe another approach to dealing with perfection, one that requires only that you listen to the advice of another.

Many years ago, I (CB) was one of several doctoral students doing research in the experimental psychology lab at Syracuse University. We also had a post-doctoral student, Anita (not her real name), working with the Director of the lab. Anita had a gift for designing elegant studies; by elegant I mean studies that had several control groups—in addition to the main treatment group—that gave her great confidence in interpreting the results of the study. For instance, one day I was discussing with her the results of one of her studies, and her interpretation of them. I said, “You know, you could interpret your results differently as showing….” “Oh, no,” she replied, “that wouldn’t work. If that interpretation were true, control group B would have behaved differently.” I suddenly realized she was correct, and said, “Amazing! With those three control groups, there’s really no way to interpret the results other than the one you provide, is there?” Smiling, Anita said, “Not that I can see.”

Anita did, however, did have a shortcoming: She was always hesitant to submit her work for publication. She would say, “This study doesn’t give a complete picture. I need to do a follow-up to get it perfect.” In one instance she was designing her third follow-up to two previous incredibly good studies, seeking a higher level of perfection before having the confidence to submit her work for publication. That’s when the Director stepped in. He reminded Anita that an important part of science was communication with other researchers, and sharing data with them. That process allows others to contribute what is often a new perspective and a new way of looking at things. He knew that being excessively perfectionistic was Anita’s problem, and he struck right at it, telling her that failing to publish her work was actually making it less perfect. The next day Anita had a manuscript ready for submission.

The point here should be obvious: If you feel your work must be perfect, and as a result you’re failing to get things done in a timely manner, get a reality check on your work from someone you know, respect, and trust, and someone who is capable of evaluating the work you have already done. In other words, don’t let yourself be the final judge of the quality of your work. In Anita’s case, her quest for perfection was making her excessively harsh and unrealistic about the quality of what she had done; she needed to get another evaluation, by someone she trusted and respected, and who was capable of giving a knowledgeable evaluation.

Do you get mad at yourself when you fall short of perfection? Striving for high quality work is admirable, but criticizing yourself for falling short of perfection is not good coping. Before you know it, you have taught yourself to be self-critical most of the time; that’s a recipe for poor coping because you will never be satisfied with your work, even when it’s good! Also, extreme self-criticism ignores the fact that striving for perfection is usually better than being sloppy and not giving a damn.

            One theme we try and develop in this blog is that your negative emotions and tendencies that you really don’t care for, and that you treat like your enemy, can actually be channeled into working for you. The key is to think about them a little differently. Suppose you see yourself as too much of a perfectionist. You say, “I get so frustrated because I’m just not able to finish a job. I keep looking at parts of the job I’ve already completed, but I’m never satisfied. So, I’m constantly overanalyzing my work and never getting to the end.” Maybe you should talk with Zhao, an international student from China.

            Zhao was a high-achieving perfectionist, but he seemed to know how to use those tendencies in a positive way. Some people want to deny or avoid facing such tendencies inside them. Their dilemma is: “I want to ignore my need to be perfect and move on to complete a task, but I can never quite pull it off.” The reason they can’t is because they’re trying to deny a part of themselves. Always remember: if there’s a trait you don’t like—such as perfectionism—it’s still a part of you, and whenever you work to deny a part of you, you’re heading down a dead-end street.

            Zhao, however, had a different approach: “I must be perfect when I have an assignment. I know that, but use it to make me focus on the assignment. I outline the important parts of the assignment and make sure I do not overlook any of them. Every part gets my attention—in time.  If I reach a block, I get information I need to remove the block no matter how long it takes. I must solve the block or I am not moving forward, and if I am not moving forward, I am not going to be perfect.”

It occurred to me that most students, when confronted with what Zhao called a block, would self-criticize—“Damn, I’m too much of a perfectionist. I’m not getting anywhere and getting all stressed out. I’m my worst enemy.”—and be likely to stop. Not Zhao. He reacts to frustration by channeling his perfectionism at the block, and not worrying about—at least for the time being—the larger assignment at hand. He understands that such a strategy will eventually resolve the block and put him back on track for the larger assignment. He seems to understand that allowing his perfectionism to stop him would compromise his perfectionism; he couldn’t achieve a “perfect” result if he mismanaged his drive to perfectionism; he couldn’t satisfy his perfection needs if he lets those needs stop his path to being perfect.

            Zhao’s attitude about being a perfectionist seems to carry this coping lesson: However you go about it, the key is not to engage in self-critical comments about what a perfectionist you are, but to engage in positive forward-moving actions to resolve bumps in the road along the way. Sure, at some point you must force yourself to accept a finished product as the best you can manage, but shifting from “worrying about perfection” to “focusing on each part of the task,” might help. Let’s face it, though, not many of us have Zhao’s mental discipline. Is there another strategy more of us could use to deal with perfectionist tendencies? Next week we’ll take a look at Anita’s case to answer that question.

Susan just went through a very messy divorce after 12 years of marriage. Deep inside she blames herself for the breakup, and has a lot of self-directed anger pent up. But at some level of consciousness, she just cannot admit these feelings to herself; to do so would create levels of anxiety her mind just is not willing to accept. She is depressed and angry, both at her ex-husband and his family, especially his family. “I hate them all. They always took his side whenever we had a problem, and I figure they’re thrilled that I’m out of their son’s life. They’re all angry at me and blame me for what happened. His mother called me the other day acting like she was concerned for me, but I’m not dumb. They act like they want to help me,” Susan says, “but I can see that they hate me for what happened.”

Susan is using the ego-defense of Projection. She has some unpleasant, anxiety-laden emotions in herself that she just can’t face, so she projects these undesirable qualities onto her ex-husband’s family. Note how the use of projection is a form of anxiety avoidance. Susan doesn’t want to face unwanted traits in herself, so she sees those traits in others. What a great way to avoid the stress of self-examination!

Remember the classic argument on the playground when you were in 3^rd grade? Two 10- year-olds going at it: “Well, you’re dumb!” “No, you’re dumb!.” “Uh, uh, you’re dumb.” “No, you’re the dumb one.” Back and forth, each kid—insecure and not wanting to appear dumb in front of peers—projects dumbness onto the other. This projective interplay becomes a little more sophisticated between adults when they use more complex sentences and words.—“Bill, if you weren’t so stubborn, we could get this project done faster.” “Me? Stubborn? Come on, Kevin, you wrote the book on stubbornness.”—But, however you look at it, it’s projection, and it’s incompatible with effective and healthy coping with stress.

Projection is an ego-defense strategy one uses by switching from self-blame to other-blame. The switch makes projection a first cousin of hypocrisy. Politicians do it all the time. They vote for expensive projects and then criticize their opponent for being a spendthrift, and adding to the deficit. But hypocrisy gets votes in the twisted world of politics. When it comes to coping with stress, however, the switch from self to other is denial, avoidance, and refusal to be personally accountable. The result? Coping failure and increased anxiety. Projection focuses on them, but there is no them. You are the problem, and when you project on them, you do damage to yourself by avoiding facing yourself. Projection occurs because you dislike yourself, and when there is self-hatred there can be no healthy coping.

Like all forms of stress avoidance, projection prevents psychological growth, self-awareness, and development of self-empowerment to face life challenges. It also prevents being vigilant for signs that you are using projection to hide what you can’t face in yourself. Such signs would be failure to hold yourself accountable, being excessive and repetitive in your criticism of others, and disengaging from social interactions. From a coping perspective, it pays to heed comments from friends that you are criticizing others for actions you yourself have taken in the past. For instance, Bruce points out to a co-worker, Adam, that Adam is insensitive to the needs of Sharon, a co-worker who has a disability that confines her to a wheelchair. “Uh, Bruce,” says Adam, “I remember just last week when you told me that Sharon uses her disability to make us feel sorry for her so we’ll do her job for her. Remember how you said, ‘Sharon really plays the disability card’? That was kind of insensitive, don’t you think?” Adam’s comments should be a warning to Bruce that he is projecting his own insensitivity toward Sharon onto Adam.