Psychology and Stress

           

Trouble stirring in your relationship? Ask yourself: “Am I giving up too much of myself?” “Is my self-identity suffering in this relationship?” “Do I need to be more assertive?” These questions are not relevant in every relationship, but they are with Jen and Bob, a couple who sought marital counseling when Jen learned of Bob’s affair. They had been married for 13 years and had three young children. Everyone in the family was physically healthy, and Jen and Bob worked as professionals; money was not a problem. They had a history of good times together. Sure, there were strains and stressors: kids, house, and their jobs, but nothing extreme or unmanageable. What happened?

Initially, counseling involved looking into the dynamics of their lives before marriage. Bob described his father—the only deceased parent of the four—as abusive and strict. Bob was an only child, so he got the brunt of punishment and demands doled out regularly by his father. Bob described his mother as nurturing, supportive, and protective. She was, however, absent a lot because of her professional employment. Bob developed into a hypersensitive individual with some rebellious traits. The latter was due to some suppressed anger toward authority (Dad), and uncertainty about how to express the anger because of fear of retaliation. “Dad really intimated me,” said Bob. “I was angry at him and resented him a lot, but I was really scared of him. He could really dish out the punishment.”

            Jen dad was the nurturing and sensitive one in her family, whereas her mom was supportive but “tough.” Jen’s family life encouraged her to develop into a hard-working, self-sacrificing person who was open and forgiving, traits that were not dominant in Bob. Jen also became far less oppositional than her husband; Bob would be more likely to challenge and disagree with Jen’s decisions than Jen would be with Bob’s. Jen leaned more toward conciliation and compromise.

            For the first decade of marriage, their relationship was solid, although Bob sometimes was too uncompromising and self-centered. Jen brushed it aside as not worth worrying about. (denial and avoidance.) Jen says, “I remember thinking that he should be a little more considerate and see how I felt about things. But he would just charge ahead and do whatever he wanted to do without discussing it with me. I remember being a little disappointed and frustrated, but I just chalked it up to a quirk of his. No big deal, I figured.”

            On the surface Bob was a great guy who would do almost anything for anyone. Inside, however, there was a rebel lurking to express itself, and here we come to the crucial elements in the dynamics of this marriage: Jen was excessively sacrificing for the sake of the family; Bob, however, was tough in dealings with his family—just as his father had been—and he saved his nurturing, supportive side for those outside his family. He could not say “no” to friends, co-workers, relatives, and even the woman with whom he had the affair. The woman was aggressive in pursuing him, and he finally gave in. Bob was a patsy outside the home.  

            During counseling Bob admitted to his anger over the emotional deprivation he suffered at the hands of his father. He confessed he never really felt he was good enough for anyone, feelings that began with interactions with his dad. He felt he needed to keep trying to prove to everyone he was lovable. At an intellectual level, he knew such a goal was irrational but emotionally he was driven in this direction. Jen, meanwhile, was paying most of her attention to the kids. She had let the marriage slip a bit by giving insufficient attention to Bob, thereby awakening some of the emotional deprivation issues he had from his childhood. Jen’s lack of attention also meant that Bob was doing pretty much whatever he wanted without ever being questioned about it.

            Eventually, Bob achieved some insight into the origin of his problems, and realized that his marriage showed he was indeed quite lovable. He also got a better handle on his underlying resentment for rules and conventions that his father had beat into him. “These insights allowed me to start concentrating on my marriage more, and the affair less,” Bob observed later. The other woman concocted a story that she was pregnant with Bob’s child but miscarried. Bob said, “It took me a long time to understand how pathological this woman was, and to finally accept her crazy story as a lie. It wasn’t easy to reach that point, though.”

            Jen stood firm and supported Bob’s counseling and his efforts to produce changes in himself. “OK, sure, a lot of women would have told Bob to go to hell,” Jen says. “To me, though, holding the family together came first. Sure, I was upset and mad, but I couldn’t let those feelings get in the way of saving the family. I saw the affair as more Bob’s lust, not love of that woman, and that gave me something to work with.” After many sessions, Bob learned how to genuinely receive love from his wife. More importantly, he learned that he did not have to continuously prove his worth, and fill himself with approval, status, and recognition from others, especially those outside his family and work life. He came to realize that the extramarital affair was not simply a mid-life crisis, but was a failed attempt to prove he was lovable and needed. Both Bob and Jen pledged more quality time to one another. Bob was finally growing beyond his childhood demons, which allowed Jen to do the same, although her demons were much milder in degree.

Psychologists and other mental professionals have expressed concern over what they see as a mental health crisis in teens and young adults. Some psychologists recommend regular anxiety screenings for youth ages 8 to 18, and regular depression screenings for ages 12 to 18. Recent clinical studies with teens have focused on anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, addiction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and suicide. Mental health workers note pandemic social isolation and the academic disruption children and teens faced: caregivers died or lost their job from Covid, and kids were victims of physical or emotional abuse at home; there are ongoing social media tensions, school violence, and climate worries, plus the usual adolescent hormonal chaos. Is it all too much for many youngsters?

I was a teenager from 1957 (age 13) to 1964 (age 20). As I recall, I had two main worries: keeping up with schoolwork, and girls. The former was manageable as long as I was willing to put in the time and effort; the latter was a losing battle. Girls remained a constant source of frustration, bewilderment, and rejection. In college my stressors were classes, grades, and girls, who remained a source of frustration, bewilderment, and rejection. I was in college when the Cuban missile crisis happened, but no one really believed the world was going to end. The calculus test was still on tap for tomorrow. Kennedy was assassinated but no one feared for the Republic; Johnson was sworn in within hours and life went on. There were rumblings in Southern cities and I believed in Dr. King’s message, but at the end of the day, I was White. No problem. There were no smart phones, no internet, no school shootings, no attacks on the Capitol.

I have no doubt that the stressors for teens today are more intense than in my day. Being bullied on the playground is one thing; bullied on social media is tougher on the victim. Going to class to take a test is one thing, but wondering if someone will show up with an assault rifle is quite another; taking No-Doz to help with studying all night is one thing, but scoring MDMA, ecstasy, cloud nine, or shrooms goes to another level. But there’s another difference between yesterday and today, a difference that’s overlooked but that I think makes today more stressful: Teens today live in a “psychologized” society; I did not.

What’s a psychologized society? It’s a society where we are sensitized to—alert to, vigilant about— psychological disorders; it’s a society where people believe every unexpected event, every challenge to one’s plans, every conflict, every “OMG” intrusion into one’s world is going to be psychologically debilitating; it’s a society where words like, “You need counseling,” “You’re probably bipolar,” and, “You have anxiety issues from PTSD,” are commonplace; it’s a society where we convince teens that because they have “mental issues,” that they are abnormal and afflicted with a psychological disorder.

More than once, I recall my parents saying, “You’re getting a little big for your britches, young man. It’s time for you to show some respect for your elders.” I never heard them say, “You have oppositional defiant disorder; we’ll have you checked by a counselor.” Today, however, when teens hear the “counselor” word—and they hear it often—they immediately think, “Counselor? OMG, I’m mentally ill!” And downward they spiral from there. That’s what happens to teens who live in a psychologized society in 2024. I saw a recent newspaper article about the importance of choosing a college major as soon as possible because, “Imagine the emotional stress of having to find a new major and career path one or two years shy of getting your college degree.” I taught college for 41 years (1970-2011) and I believe that the statement’s overemphasis on “emotional stress” is misguided. I advised scores of students who wanted to change their major and their career path. In 1961 I had a college friend who had a first-year gpa of 1.7. [You need a cumulative 2.0 to graduate.] He decided to change his major. His second-year gpa was 2.3 and things turned around by his junior year. He was behind but he caught up with a couple of summer courses. But you know what? Never did anyone—no friend, no parent, no teacher, no advisor—say to him, “You’re going to be under a lot of emotional stress with this change of major and you should go to the Counseling Center for help in dealing with the anxiety.” That just wasn’t our culture in the 1960s.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5^th edition, published in 2013) contains nearly 300 disorders. The first edition of this manual (published in 1952) contained 102 disorders. There can be little doubt that the manner of classifying mental disorders has changed and been significantly refined in the last 70 years. The problem is, these refinements have led to a greater number of “disorders,” and terms like bipolar, PTSD, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive, eating disorders, and addiction have become commonplace. The result is that impressionable teens integrate disorders into their developing self-concept, and fall victim to believing that they are abnormal. This self-preoccupation and self-sabotaging process is helped along by indulgent, guilt-ridden parents, and their kids develop a sense of entitlement—“treat me gently; I’m bipolar”—that they wear for all to see. We are seeing in real time the consequences of this psychologizing process in our society as support services struggle to keep up with increasing numbers of youngsters who believe they are “mentally ill.”  Of course, the internet, school violence, and climate worries are partly to blame. But so is the psychologized society we have created. Maybe, just maybe, instead of playing the mental disorder card every time a young person strays, adults should convey a message like this to them: “The world is a tough place and has some harsh standards. But, that’s reality, and I know that you can meet those standards; I have faith in your ability to do that, and I’m here to help out when you need it.”

Shakespeare said it succinctly in Hamlet, when he had Queen Gertrude comment on the insincerity of a character in a play: “The lady doth protest too much.” The Queen is saying that the assertions of faithfulness and love from a character are so extreme and persistent that the Queen does not believe they are true; the protesting character probably believes the opposite of what she is saying. In modern psychology, that’s exactly what the ego defense mechanism “reaction formation” means: Behaving outwardly and excessively—Shakespeare’s “too much” protesting—the opposite of how you feel inside, in order to hide from others and, more importantly, from yourself, those inner feelings. The guilty one yells, “I am innocent” the loudest; the sinner yells, “I am pure and without sin” the loudest.

Marlee and Terri work in the same division of a company, and they have both been assigned to a project team to investigate ways to improve worker morale and productivity. Marlee came up with a plan and presented it to the team by email. Terri has always been jealous of Marlee because her competence and popularity taps into Terri’s inner insecurities based on low self-esteem, self-doubts, and low confidence. Terri writes an extreme reply to the team that lashes into Marlee’s proposal, going so far as to say that the proposal violated company protocol and threatened the cohesiveness of the team. Shocked, Marlee asks Terri if she would state specific reasons for her accusations. Terri replies only to Marlee, continuing the “protest too much” reaction that characterizes reaction formation: “Since you’ve continued to behave poorly, I’ve removed you from the email thread so that the rest of us can have a productive conversation. I’m disappointed in your behavior and it’s shameful that a colleague would conduct herself in this manner. Your deliberate misreading of company policies is intellectually dishonest, and you know it. And I certainly think using the company email to treat me so rudely and disrespectfully shows your arrogance and selfishness. The company should remove your email privileges. I can only hope that you do not demean me and our other team members in public, although I expect no less given your hostile and hurtful nature toward me.” Marlee shared the email with the rest of the project team, and they asked their company supervisor to remove Terri from the project. He did so. Terri’s emails, excessively loud in their protest, are model examples of reaction formation.

George is 38 and shorter than average, which may have been one reason he was often bullied in high school. College went OK, and after graduation he landed a job in a brokerage firm. Even though his performance was decent, he was insecure and lacked self-esteem and confidence. At work he kept a low profile so he wouldn’t stick out. He stayed in his safe zone to avoid facing his insecurities. One day a colleague said, “Come on, George, get out of that shell. You know the market but you never put that knowledge into action. Go for it! Take some risks!”

George did just that and luck was on his side. His investment gamble brought millions into the firm almost overnight, and he went from a drone to a shining star. His whole demeaner changed. He pranced around work like the head rooster in the farm yard. He boasted about his prowess and criticized his colleagues often. He wore the best clothes, bought a super expensive car, and moved to an apartment well beyond his means. He became an arrogant snob who constantly acted like he was better than everyone. Is George acting so important a little extreme? Is he hiding his true feelings about himself? Shakespeare’s Queen Gertrude might have said, “He struts around too much!”

George’s behavior became extreme, and the fact that he continued to broadcast his successes so loudly showed that he was trying to avoid facing something from others and from himself: inside, he remained insecure and afraid of failure. His extreme overt displays of confidence were reaction formation smoke screens—ego defenses—designed to hide those fears. George’s actions became extreme, beyond showing moderate self-confidence. His displays of competence and independence became so extreme, so intense, and so chronic, they betrayed in him a desperate attempt to hide his anxieties and weaknesses from others, and especially from himself.

When used as a defense mechanism, reaction formation—habitually, and with great exaggeration, overtly acting the opposite of how you feel on the inside—is, like all ego defenses, a form of denial. George goes by a mirror and sees an immaculately-dressed man smoking a king-sized cigar. Like Terri, that vision allows George to deny what is truly inside: a frightened, insecure wimp who finds the slightest hint of failure a dire threat to psychological stability.

Back in the day when going online and surfing the net was a novelty, I remember reading research in a psychology journal that showed a positive relationship in teenagers between going online and depression. Kids who spent a lot of time online showed higher depression scores. The interpretation, of course, was that whether time on the internet was causing depression problems, or vice-versa, it was clear that going online sacrificed valuable social interaction with others. So, 40 years ago, right out of the psychology gate, going online excessively was seen as harmful.

            Fast forward to the present. Current research shows that online use is still associated with mental issues; research also shows, however, that reaching out to others through social media can be a source of emotional support to troubled people. Years ago, troubled folks ruminating at 2am on their misery could only reach for the phone and hope they could rouse a friend to chat. Today, of course, they can post a message online, “Anyone out there who can talk to me? I’m really feeling down and could use some support.”

            Sure, some nutcase could respond and add to the problem, plus cases of cyber-bullying are well-known. In spite of those risks, the potential of social media for providing emotional comfort is well-documented, and many mental-health professionals believe that the positive possibilities from using social media can outweigh the risk of making a problem worse. The key, of course, is how the platform is used, knowing how to be on guard, and being able to terminate a dangerous contact immediately.

            There’s a coping lesson in all this: One size seldom fits all. There’s nothing inherently good or bad about going online to seek some comfort; social media can be comforting and it can be damaging. Just because you know someone who was emotionally ravaged by some online exchanges does not mean that will happen to you. Your friend’s poison could be your salvation.

            The problem is, when people are troubled they want to believe that one size fits all, that what worked for Jennifer or Ken will work for them. And that is the danger you must guard against: When looking for help to develop effective coping strategies, you must not focus on the method; you must focus on whether the method brings out appropriate reactions from you. It’s no different than taking a prescription. A particular drug may work wonders for your friend, but produce terrible side-effects in you. Friend’s medicine, your poison.

            One final thought: Whether going online or seeking other methods to obtain coping help, there is no magical solution, no panacea for your issues. You must do the work. Too many people reach out to others for help, but with the expectation that others will wave some wand and all will be OK. Coping just doesn’t work that way. Do you want better results from your coping efforts? Then be prepared to work for them.

Another dark night? Eyes fixed on that glowing screen as you dig into the internet looking for something, anything, that will give your life meaning? You probably think you have found it, but you haven’t. That screen is entertaining and informative, but it’s also full of fake stuff, especially the stuff that talks about your mind. One thing that’s really bugging you tonight is whether to unfriend someone who lately has been a source of irritation and stress for you.

Dr. Carlea Dries has some advice when you’re faced with this dilemma. “Several years ago, I facilitated a group with a few ‘tween’ and teenage girls. Alyssa was describing an issue she was having with Sarah, from another town. Sarah was bullying Alyssa by consistently posting degrading, hurtful, and offensive comments on Alyssa’s wall. Alyssa felt trapped, helpless, and disheartened. A member of our group innocently said, ‘Why don’t you just block her?’ This simple suggestion changed Alyssa’s perspective on the situation as she suddenly realized she had an option that would allow her to regain power and control over the situation.  

            “The next time the group met, Alyssa proudly reported that she blocked Sarah and felt a lot better after doing so. Christina asked Alyssa if she had any guilt about blocking Sarah, who was once a friend. Alyssa said it never occurred to her that she should feel guilty. ‘Why should I feel guilty? Sarah was being nasty so I stopped it.’ Christina replied that she would have just hidden Sarah from her newsfeed, and added, ‘What if Sarah noticed and called you out on it? What would you do?’ As we discussed these issues it became apparent to the group that everyone has different thresholds for emotions. Whatever the threshold, however, the key is to search for options that will provide a sense of empowerment, and remember that there are often several solutions to issues. You always have a choice, and you should do what makes you comfortable. Alyssa chose to block Sarah; Christina would hide her.  

            “Bullying is not the only time blocking may be appropriate. For some people the barrage of special photos that are posted to social media (such as, new baby, first day of school, family outings, holidays) can be overwhelming, especially when grieving a loss. You may choose to avoid social media when those posted triggers are around. You may choose to block (or hide) the friends or family who routinely share pictures that you find upsetting. The thing to remember in all of this, of course, is that you have the power. 

            “You might ask, ‘Isn’t blocking someone really just avoiding an issue?’ That’s a valid and fair question, but the answer is no! In Alyssa’s case, blocking is not avoidance because she is taking a proactive and empowering step, taking charge to control an issue. Exercising power and control when appropriate is the gold standard of coping when confronted with social media challenges. In fact, not trying to empower yourself will prevent you from coping effectively with the challenge. So, when it comes to social media and those who just bring you bad vibes, go ahead and hide or block them; you will ultimately feel a sense of control when you scroll through your newsfeed. Block, hide, or unfriend; do what brings you that sense of empowerment.” 

Natalia is the scourge of the neighborhood. She lives alone in a house owned by her mother in a quiet, middle-class neighborhood that Natalia does everything she can to disrupt. In Winter, she does not clear snow off her section of sidewalk; in Summer her front yard is full of weeds; in Fall she does not rake her leaves; she goes out of her way to annoy her neighbors, and gets especially belligerent when she has “had a few.” On several occasions neighbors have called the police, and once she pushed an officer in anger. That action resulted in her arrest and an appearance before a judge, who fined her—mom paid the fine—and ordered her to undergo counseling.

Natalia was raised by an indulgent, overprotective mother, and a cold, distant father. Thanks to mom she developed a strong sense of entitlement, and she constantly sought—unsuccessfully—attention from her father. Right before her high school graduation she became pregnant by her boyfriend, Jan. Both Natalia’s and Jan’s parents insisted they get married right away. Their first child was a boy, followed by another boy three years later.

When the older boy reached his first birthday, Natalia’s dad began to take an interest in him, and he began to spend more and time with “my grandson.” Natalia was thrilled because she had more contact with dad and got to know him at last. But suddenly and unexpectedly, her dad died. Natalia was crushed with grief, but at the same time, mad as hell at her dad for “deserting me again.” Her unresolved abandonment anxiety of childhood was resurrected and affected her entire life. She turned her inward anger toward dad onto Jan—and people in general—and slowly began to alienate him. Only mom escaped her wrath because she continued to indulge Natalia’s every whim.

The kids were 12 and 15 when Natalia and Jan divorced. Natalia moved in with mom—the house referred to earlier. After a couple of years mom remarried and moved to live with her new husband. Still the overindulgent mom, she let Natalia and the kids continue to live in the house, and she continued to pay the mortgage and house maintenance costs. Life was tough on the kids: Natalia had a parttime job that covered her grocery and gas expenses, but she had developed a drinking problem that strained the budget. There was also a steady stream of men who frequented her home at night. Living with her was extremely stressful, and each child left home upon turning 18. Natalia’s abandonment anxiety again consumed her, and as time went on, her unresolved family anger manifested itself more and more in public, much to the consternation of her neighbors.

After several months, Natalia’s court-ordered counseling ended and she went her way. She never really profited from her sessions because she wasn’t at all motivated to work on her problems, which were deep and excessive. She said, “I’m only here because the judge will put me in jail if I’m not.” She made no progress in resolving her anger issues, and during her drinking/drug-use binges her thinking became incoherent, irrational, and paranoid. She showed many borderline personality-disorder symptoms, and comorbidity with histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial conditions. The prognosis for Natalia is not good, and she will likely continue to be the scourge of the neighborhood.

If you’re concerned you may have some repressed anger resulting from unresolved issues, especially from childhood and adolescence, here are some warning signs: chronic stress or anxiety; feeling sad or depressed a lot; sarcasm or cynicism when talking with others; feeling bitter, envious, or resentful of others; avoidance of difficult emotions; becoming defensive when accused of being angry; frequent shutting down and isolating yourself; complaining when things don’t go your way; holding grudges and ruminating on things that upset you. What can you do about this inner anger? Recognize it and accept the reality of its presence; go to counseling; recognize the triggers that bring it on and seek ways to manage those triggers; deep breathing; enlist your support network—not your enabling network.

Pharmaceutical company advertisements tell consumers that their anxiety, depression, or other psychological difficulty results from a “chemical imbalance” in the brain, and their product will restore balance. One can argue that being told you are depressed because you have a neurotransmitter deficiency is analogous to being told you have a headache because you have an aspirin deficit in your body. You take the aspirin, the imbalance is removed, and the headache goes away. Unfortunately, if the headache is caused by family or school pressures, trying to keep a friend’s secret, or some other problem the aspirin is not affecting, your headache will return.   By the same token, if your psychological symptoms are caused by an inability to deal with personal difficulties in life, those symptoms may linger in spite of taking psychiatric medication; the drug is not solving your difficulties.

Psychiatric medication can be helpful in many cases involving psychological symptoms. Its use, however, should not be jumped into without considerable thought and advice from a variety of professionals. Medicine is only one arm of the mental health system; you should also listen to psychologists, social workers, and counselors who bring a variety of perspectives to the table. Also, remember that taking multiple drugs can have unexpected side effects, and affect the brain in ways we still do not understand. For instance, there is evidence that certain types of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic medications can increase the risk of dementia. Furthermore, there is evidence showing that standard (not psychiatric) prescription medications taken for a variety of physical ailments, can result in mood disorders, especially depression, and make one highly susceptible to extreme complications, even suicide.

Sometimes parents are conflicted when psychiatric meds are recommended for their teenage, or even younger, kids. When young people are the clients, whose brains are still developing, potential dangers can be magnified, and the caution about getting multiple perspectives is even more crucial. Whether children or adults, however, when considering psychiatric medication for your problems, go into it with your eyes open. Such medication can be a huge help to many people; it can also be a big waste of time—and carry health risks—for many others.

The candidacy of Kamala Harris is resurrecting the old chauvinistic attitudes of women’s appropriate place in society, and stoking the pre-Betty Friedan anxieties of women in America. Prejudicial attitudes toward women have never died out, but for the past 60 years they have largely been dormant. Now, however, thanks to high-profile conservative politicians, childless women are described as second-class, and exaltation of family values trumps women’s career aspirations. Furthermore, it is not adulterous men who threaten those values; no, it is working—especially childless—women who are the threats. Yes, ladies, it’s back: you belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or you are a traitor to your gender and country. As society rushes toward more conservative values, conservatives push the message that the working woman is in a pressure-cooker environment that renders her too tired at the end of the day to devote quality time to her family and other domestic issues. The family suffers. From a psychological perspective, this is an unsubstantiated and unfair characterization that puts needless pressure and guilt on many women. Working women listen carefully: it is the quality of time with your family that matters, not necessarily the amount of time. Your career is not an inherent threat to your family.

There are some interesting research findings in this area. Working women are usually found to be psychologically and physically healthy. Compared to non-working women, those who work show lower cholesterol levels; have a lower incidence of general illness; are less depressed; and say that their job gives them an outlet for the stresses of domestic duties. These findings do not mean that stay-at-home moms should get out there in the workplace so they can be healthier! The point is, if women are doing what makes them comfortable and satisfied, they’re going to be fine. Many moms want to be stay-at-home caregivers, and doing so gives them satisfaction, pleasure, a sense of purpose, and a healthy slice of personal identity. Some moms extend this role when the kids reach school age, and they home school the kids.

Other women, however, may want to pursue a career outside the home, even if they have young children. Doing so, of course, sometimes carries the danger of instilling guilt: “Am I doing what’s best for my spouse and kids? Am I thinking about them, or am I being selfish and thinking only of myself?” To all you working moms out there, you have no need to fear playing multiple roles—career woman and mom—and still providing an emotionally rich and healthy environment for your kids, spouse, and yourself. With appropriate planning, organization, and flexibility, you can cope quite well.

If you are having some guilt about work causing separation from your children, here are some things to consider. They are obvious and simple things, but most actions that help you cope effectively are obvious and simple: Remember that working is not the issue; the things you do with your kids after work is the issue. You can involve the kids in dinner preparation, even if it means removing take-out from boxes. Help your kids with their homework every evening. If they’re not yet in school, do some learning activities with them that are appropriate for their level of cognitive development. Do physical activities with them, again ones appropriate to their developmental level. Schedule a special “talking with mom” time each evening. This is their time with you, so let them determine the direction of conversation. If they are involved in formal school activities like sports, plays, band, etc., support these activities and attend events.

We bet you could add lots of actions to this list. Just remember that effective coping actions do not have to be complex. Problems tend to develop when we complicate issues, so focus on the obvious and simple things. One final note: although we directed our comments at moms, they also apply to dads. Men often serve as primary or co-primary caregivers, either as single dads or as working dads whose wife is also working. We didn’t mean to leave you out guys, so consider our effective coping actions as also applying to you. Comfort level is the key. In fact, whether man or woman, heading home on Friday for a weekend with the kids after a particularly tough week might be very pleasant and invigorating. By the same token, heading to work on Monday after a weekend of dealing with diapers, tantrums, and crying might be equally pleasant and invigorating!

            Scottie Davis Winslow of Optum Consulting asks working people, “How can you achieve that balance between the demands of the workplace and the obligations of everyday life outside the workplace?” Those obligations could be as simple as grocery shopping and picking up the cleaning, or more involved like finding time to be with spouse or children and caring for elderly parents. No matter what the obligation, when work interferes with everyday life you can suffer significant stress. How should you handle it? Some of Winslow’s suggestions:

            Identify your goals and values and make sure family, friends, and those depending on you understand where you’re coming from. [We often point out in this blog how you need to link your values to your coping actions.]

            Communicate to others the various parts of your life, your priorities, and seek others’ help in achieving them to everyone’s satisfaction. For instance, if your kids understand and accept that you are not available for them all the time, they are likely to be more willing to work with you to find that quality time with them on a regular basis.

            Do not get into the perpetual “apology” mode. Do you frequently feel guilty and say, “I’m sorry”? Do you feel that the things you do for others must always take precedence over what you need to do for yourself now and then? Sometimes effective coping requires you to be a little selfish and tend to yourself. Don’t be afraid to include yourself in your priorities. Ignoring your physical and mental well-being to serve others can be destructive in the long run. [Humility is one cornerstone of our model of effective coping. That means to remember that you are not the prime ingredient in all you do, and you should not take yourself too seriously. It does not mean you must subjugate yourself to the whims of others.]

            Regularly monitor and adjust your daily priorities to meet unexpected situations. Plans go awry; circumstances change; new priorities insert themselves into your daily routine. Your task is to adjust, adapt, and let your coping efforts evolve to meet the changing requirements in your daily life. [Adapting to change is accepting reality, another cornerstone of this blog’s coping model.]

            Winslow offers some useful and proactive suggestions, and we regularly touch on them in this blog. Woman or man, husband or wife, these suggestions can greatly improve one’s coping skills. And let’s not forget an additional piece of reassurance specifically for working moms. Did you know that women who work are often better off psychologically and physically than women who don’t? Now don’t take that statement as criticism of stay-at-home moms. Many such moms are perfectly happy, and some working moms are miserable. Keep your coping efforts relevant to your needs.

There’s a lot of denial out there. People deny that it’s time to go to the dentist to check out a tooth that’s bothering them; older workers say, “Not ready to retire yet; I can out work anyone on the line”; grandpa refuses to give up the car keys; a woman’s son is in and out of trouble with the cops, but she insists, “He’s doing fine; just trying to find himself.” And on it goes. In the world of psychology, denial boils down to avoidance of facing challenges, and admitting who you are and what you can do when you are faced with stress. Denial is avoidance, and avoidance is the primary obstacle to coping with stress. When you are struggling to cope with stress, ask yourself, “What am I avoiding?”

If you work hard to avoid stress in your life, you will stop living! Stress is a vital part of being alive, and trying to eliminate it is a losing strategy. In fact, you’ll end up not only alone, but also lonely. You’ll suffer despair, helplessness, and hopelessness; your self-esteem and confidence will be in the toilet; your world will spin out of control, and the next stop on your life path will be, sorry to say, depression.

Stress, challenges, obstacles, hard work, frustration, anger, anxiety, and a host of other things you prefer to avoid must not be avoided. Challenges are a part of life, and those bothersome emotions are a part of you, not alien invaders. To try and avoid them will compromise your very being. So rather than avoid, attack! Confront challenges, meet them head on, deal with them, and try to resolve them. Accept your emotions as a part of who you are, and use their energy to empower yourself. Effective coping does not mean whining about how unfair it all is, or wearing a badge saying “anxiety sufferer” on your chest. Those are avoidance actions. Rather, strengthen yourself by downsizing that ego of yours and go into attack mode! Confront the stress and face the fact that you have some weaknesses. The result will be that you become stronger and better equipped to cope with everyday stresses.

Going into attack mode is difficult, and it may sound impossible to do, but if you are willing to play by the rules, you can learn how to devise a plan to have more meaningful, satisfying, and productive outcomes in your life. Your plan must include specific actions to take. Avoidance actions? No, not unless you have no control over the person or the situation, and in that case, you must disengage and avoid. Directing personal empowerment at events over which you have no control is a waste of time and self-defeating. Focus on those things you can control: your thoughts and your actions.

In carrying out your plan remember to live in the present, accept your emotions and the stress in your life, learn from your failures, and keep in fighting shape with healthy exercise and diet. Above all, remember that positive actions are more powerful than positive thoughts, so structure your plan around positive actions. Here are some suggestions: Stop apologizing to yourself or others for being emotional in certain situations; channel your stress into productive activities like volunteering and serving others, joining a gym, taking a surprise family outing, having lunch with friends, or other enjoyable things. Keep a record of when you feel stressed and what you are doing at the time; don’t focus on the stress or the emotions you feel, but on realistic and positive actions you can take; schedule stressful events at times when you expect relatively few demands on you; devote high-quality time to important aspects of your life, such as marriage, career, friendships and family; In confrontational situations, take slow, deep, steady breaths and concentrate on making calm but assertive comments; monitor and modify your negative, self-defeating thoughts.

That last item is important. People often ask, “How do I control my thoughts? How do I stop thinking negative things, self-critical thoughts? How do I handle all those ideas that are downers and torment me?” How about this: perform positive, constructive actions that bring you a sense of satisfaction and empowerment. Do that workout at the gym; serve lunch to the homeless in a soup kitchen; call a friend and say, “I was just wondering if you had anything going on that I can help you with.” Then you can think about those actions during the day. Not only will you be teaching yourself to think positively, but you will also get a sense of fulfillment, peace, and competence. You’ll feel better about yourself, with the added benefit of being less stressed out.