Psychology and Stress

The holidays are a time when a lot of folks seem to focus on happiness. It’s Christmas! Let’s gather around the tree, sing carols, laugh, and have a happy time. Unfortunately, holiday happiness can be elusive because too often people tend to center their search around “me,” always asking, what do “I” need to do to make “myself” happier? If this sounds like you, the problem here is that you’re being self-serving and looking for answers that are defined by your needs, your frustrations, your anxieties, your difficulties. “But,” you ask, “how can I possibly help myself if I don’t center my plans and actions around myself?”

Here’s a thought, and an action that you can take year-round: Instead of putting yourself as the main ingredient in the recipe, take yourself out of the recipe. Consider the possibility that, whatever your difficulty, you can use the emotions it generates within you to increase your sensitivity to others who suffer—many times from conflicts similar to yours. This empathy will not only help others, but yourself as well. That’s right, taking yourself out of the formula will encourage you to reach out to others. The bonus? You will discover that reaching out will bring you ample helpings of personal satisfaction—call it happiness if you want, but it’s much more—and help you cope better with your problems. Many people feel that happiness is something that is acquired, like a trophy, a promotion, or winning the lottery. Psychology research shows, however, that happiness emerges from things you do, not from things you acquire. Reaching out to others, committing to a cause, working hard at a task, persisting in spite of frustration and adversity—these sorts of things seem more related to being “happy” than merely acquiring something.

Viewed from this perspective, one clear road to happiness involves empathy, a social responsiveness that does not involve a search for happiness, but a desire to help others because you understand their need. If you have been previously victimized or are presently dealing with emotional upheaval in similar ways as someone else, who can understand their plight better than you? Who is better equipped to relate to them than you? The true beauty of empathy and helping others, however, is that you reap the psychological benefits of contentment, satisfaction, and self-actualization. There is no more effective therapy than empathetic service to others. It’s not that empathy brings you happiness; it’s that empathy brings you a sense of being a competent and useful person.

Listen carefully to these clients in group therapy:

“Telling my story helped me face it as real. Then I knew others’ stories were real, too. I felt less alone. New people would show up. It was hard for me to listen to them because I was reliving my own experience. But I understood them, and knew they understood me. That was so cool.”

            “I discovered I could help others. Hell, if I could do that, I should be able to face myself. That brought me a lot of inner peace.”

            “I discovered I wasn’t the only one hurting. Others were there, too. Whenever I felt like I was drowning, I threw a lifeline to others in the group. We taught each other how to save ourselves.”

Whatever your plight, you are not alone in your difficulties. The best way to facilitate your ability to cope is to make sure that as you travel the road to discovering that you are useful you leave no one behind. Christmas is unique in offering you that pathway, but it can be traveled year-round. Take it. Doing so will help you will find yourself participating in—and enjoying the richness of—the human adventure.

Last week’s post noted how the holidays can be a tough time if you lost a loved one during the previous year. Suddenly, someone who was a part of family celebrations and joy is not there. Grief is magnified by holiday family traditions.

Grief often leads survivors “inward” to focus on their emotions, and dwell on how their loss has broken their emotional stability. This focus is understandable. Unfortunately, though, because holiday time is so strongly associated with happy times for most people, the inward spotlight can magnify sadness, despondency, frustration, guilt, anger—a literal flood of overwhelming emotions that can be devastating. That’s why an inward focus on grief—while OK in small doses—can ravage the coping process if the inward focus becomes a daily addiction. Fortunately, the holidays provide ample opportunities for an “outward” focus to help the aggrieved “live through” their grief. The grief-stricken—in a spirit of empathy—can reach out to others who have fallen on hard times, and discover that this outward focus gives them a way to move forward with their own grief, and honor their departed loved one.

I remember many years ago when a friend of our family suffered a great loss when her son-in-law was killed in an accident several months before Christmas. Her daughter, Jill, now a young widow in her late 20s, came to live with her mom temporarily while they both sorted out their emotional lives. My mother invited them to join us for Christmas dinner. Before dinner, my mom handed each of them a wrapped present. Jill was dumbfounded. “But I have no present for you,” she said. “Yes, you do,” my mom replied. “Your presence is our gift.” I was in college at the time and thought that comment was pretty cool. Years later, however, I saw the comment in a new light.

Giving vs. receiving—we generally separate these actions as distinct, but they’re not. When Jill accepted the gift from my mom, she also gave my mom something very special in return: the blessing of fulfillment and satisfaction resulting from giving. It sounds corny but I think my mom received a gift of feeling part of the family of humanity; mom discovered that a simple gesture to someone in distress—“Yes, Jill, you are saddened and in pain, but life endures through the pain.”—offered mom the special gift of receiving through the act of giving. So, looking at Jill and my mom, who gave and who received? For me, the lesson here is straightforward: Are you in emotional pain—depressed, saddened, hurt, upset, guilty, angry? No matter what time of year, focus on what’s “out there” and how you can be a part of it. After all, it’s life out there. Accept and receive from others, and in doing so, you will discover that you are also giving, and bringing honor to the memory of your loved one. Give your service and help to those who, like you, need support, and you will be blessed with the contentment of receiving in the act of giving.

Here’s a piece that Dr. Carlea Dries wrote on December 12, 2016, words I like to repeat every year at this time:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… except when it’s not. The holidays usually mean the coming together of family members. Ordinarily this is a welcome time of festive gatherings, exchanging of presents, and special memories made near a roaring fireplace. For some, however, this Norman Rockwell image is drastically different from reality, particularly when recent loss of a loved one is involved. Let’s note that “loss” is not limited to the death; it can also include divorce, hospitalization, incarceration, active duty without a holiday leave, or a family member who moved away. 

Recently, I attended the funeral for my great aunt. Though Marge was 93 and in failing health, her death hit our family rather hard, especially her daughters and sister (my grandmother, who is now the only one left of the original 11 siblings). The sermon during the church service (paraphrased herein) highlighted how this first holiday is going to be different: “You’ll notice the quiet. You’ll notice the missing [specialty food]. You’ll notice the missing chair at the table.” 

While I was at the repast, a good friend of mine texted to say that her parents are getting divorced after more than thirty years of marriage. This news was unexpected and rendered her numb. She just kept asking how it could be real and why, if it had to happen, it had to come so close to Hanukkah. This was supposed to be the first time she would be hosting her family, and now everything was changing. 

How do you cope with the first holiday season in the “next normal” or “new normal”? How do you hold on to a sense of control when things are clearly out of your control?

The most important thing to do, discussed in other blog posts, is to recognize what is in your circle of power. My grandmother can’t bring her sister back. My friend can’t convince her parents to stay together. So, they must try to do what they can: accept what it is and move forward from that point. Yes, that’s easier typed than done.

Some feel consoled by leaving a place at the table for the absent person, but many others find that much more discomforting because it is a visual reminder of the vacancy. You may, therefore, choose to remember the person in a smaller way. I have made ornaments with pictures of departed relatives, reminding me of times we spent together. Every year for Thanksgiving, my mother makes her aunt’s stuffing (though Aunt Petronella called it “dressing”). My mother-in-law uses a picture of her mother as the angel for her crèche. A friend video-chats with her husband who is stationed overseas. For the past 14 years, my father brings homemade goodies to the staff at the nursing home where his parents finished their earthly stories. A colleague mentioned that she has a “moment of reflection” during which everyone present shares a memory, story, or image of those who cannot be with them—one even sings a favorite song!

These simple gestures become meaningful traditions that do not overwhelm us with intense feelings of loss. Rather, they celebrate the lives and connections we had to those who are absent. 

Other coping suggestions include planning a totally new activity that literally takes you away from the familiar reminders of the absent one. Go on a mini-vacation. Celebrate with a different group of people. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter. Service to others is probably the most effective way of coping with personal loss. Keep your mind and body distracted, not to the point where you are ignoring, denying, or detaching from the loss, but to keep you focused on something productive instead of painful. 

No matter what options you are comfortable choosing, you must give yourself permission to feel. There will be moments when you want to do nothing but sit in silence. Other times you will want to do nothing but scream. You might even find yourself smiling or laughing and then feel guilty because how dare you be happy when you are missing someone?! Have “the big, snotty cry” if that is what you want to do. Let yourself feel. Take the time you need. It’s okay to say “no” to invitations; just be sure you don’t let your mourning stop you from living.  

There was also a message of comfort in the sermon for my Aunt (again paraphrased): Marge lives on in your hearts and memories. If you listen in the quiet, you can hear her. If you feel in the still, you can sense her. Remembering means no one ever leaves.

You might not feel better today. You might not feel better tomorrow. But at some point, you will feel that you have moved to the next normal and that will be the next best thing.

            Do you let trivial things add to your stress? For instance, when greeting someone do you worry about offending them if you say, “Merry Christmas,” as opposed to “Happy holidays”? Or, if you’re Jewish, are you offended if someone says “Merry Christmas” to you? Complaints about so-called politically-correct (PC) greetings increase around holiday time. Those who whine about this issue seem to forget that PC language boils down to courtesy, respect, and empathy for others who have a perspective different from theirs. The strength of this self-serving bias varies from person to person, and even within ourselves at different times. Any way you look at it, however, the bias is there and it has the potential to make certain language distasteful to those who refuse to accept that there’s a world out there beyond their personal space; and that bias adds stress.

            Here’s a coping thought: acknowledge the importance of others. Ask yourself, “What determines how others remember me?” The answer is, “People remember how you make them feel.” With that thought in mind, what sort of daily legacy do you want to leave? Do you want people to remember you as someone who made them feel undervalued and inferior to you earlier that day? Or, do you want them to remember you as someone who made them feel good because you understand and respect their perspective?

            Why not adopt a little humility, and decide that life is not all about you? Why not take the time to make others feel worthy of your respect? Doing so will remove concern from your mind about frivolous, nonsensical things like PC language. You will feel more empowered and independent; you will feel more productive; and those feelings will bring you more personal satisfaction. Most important, you will have more pleasant interactions with others.

            I knew a colleague who was one of those guys who greeted life each day with a smile. He was always ready to lend a helping hand and believed in teamwork. He never took himself too seriously, and loved to defuse conflict with a joke or light-hearted comment. I remember a time during the Christmas holiday when he was exiting the building and passed an employee he didn’t know. He said with a big smile, “Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or bah humbug. Choose your preference!” We all laughed heartily and the employee said, “Right back at you!” And we all went our way with a smile.

            But what if things go a little differently? There’s never a guarantee that any social interaction will be pleasant. What if the employee says something like, “I don’t think that’s funny at all. You know some people don’t like to be reminded about holidays.” How do you handle situations like this? Well, remember that you have no control over how others will react. Maybe they associate Christmas with personal loss; maybe they harbor unresolved anger; maybe they want to be left alone. There are a host of possible reasons for a negative reaction. What can you do? How about a quick apology—“Sorry, didn’t mean to offend.”—and move on. It’s a trivial matter and not worth adding to your stress levels.

We’re at that time of year when millions of children idolize Santa Clause, but someone comes along and says Santa causes children to mistrust their parents. The argument goes that when kids realize there is no jolly guy flying around the world in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, they conclude, “My parents have been lying to me all this time. I’ll never trust them again.”

Even worse, children could be embarrassed in front of peers, and suffer religious confusion when faced with a question like, “You believe in God? I suppose you also believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny!” And, of course, many argue that focusing children on Santa encourages them to overlook the true meaning of Christmas—the birth of Jesus.

I remember a conversation I had with a former student about this issue. She told me a story that one time, a few days before Christmas, she and her 7-year-old daughter were wrapping presents. She told her daughter they could make one from Santa. “But mom, I know Santa’s not real.” When I asked mom how she handled that, paraphrasing, here’s what she said:

“Well, you know I teach elementary school, and I was ready for it. I admitted there was not a bearded old man in a sleigh. But I brought up some of our family traditions and talked about them with her—things we did, special decorations, meals, all the fun times we had at Christmas. And I asked her, ‘Has Santa been a part of all those fun times? How is Santa in this house? Could it be that we’re all Santa? You, me, your dad, your little brother? And what makes us Santa?’ She nailed this one and said, ‘We give each other presents!’ Building on that insight I went into some comments about giving and receiving, that both are blessings because they bring us together as a family. I said, ‘That’s who Santa is. All of us, and it’s one of the things that shows each of us that we love each other.’ I could tell she was really soaking all this in like a sponge. And then I took the plunge. I pointed at the Nativity scene we always had in a prominent place under the tree. And I went into the great gift that God, the ultimate Santa, gave us—his Son who would teach us to love one another.” All I could say was, “Wow! That’s impressive.”

The stuff about seeding mistrust in children by lying to them about Santa is nonsense. An isolated deception about a real Santa is not going to sow mistrust of parents in an overall warm, supportive family filled with love and positive guidance. Furthermore, as Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget showed us, children’s understanding about their world progresses through stages, and the first stage is very concrete: their understanding is primitive. Try to explain to a 3-year-old that Santa is symbolic of the gifts of giving and receiving, those things that define a family and love, including the love and redemption Christians receive from Christ. Good luck. But, believe it or not, the vision of a jolly, smiling guy being towed through the sky by a bunch of flying reindeer is preparing the child’s mind for understanding those greater mysteries to be grappled with at a later age, with a more physically-matured brain. The fact is, the early belief in the real Santa is not at all incompatible with appreciating at a later age the significance of what’s really going on in that Bethlehem stable.

There’s a coping lesson here: Put more Santa into your life throughout the year. The reality of Santa embodies the principles of effective coping with stress: Get outside yourself and give service and support to others; likewise, receive what others bring you, remembering the difference between taking, which is based on egotistical self-absorption, and receiving, which is based on understanding, empathy, and humility. Remember, receiving allows you to give to another the special blessing of giving. Keeping Santa’s Ho-Ho-Ho in your heart will help you establish a psychologically healthy daily legacy that is based on making others—and yourself— feel good.

Eyes fixed on that glowing screen as you dig into the internet looking for something, anything, that will give your life meaning? You probably think you have found it, but you haven’t. That screen is entertaining and informative, but it’s also full of fake stuff, especially the stuff that talks about your mind.

A basic tenet of psychology is that when you see yourself doing something, you incorporate that activity, and its accompanying values, into your self-concept. When you see yourself isolated, alone, full of despair and self-criticism (“I’m such a loser.”), and accepting all that fake internet stuff, you define your self-concept in those ways. On the other hand, when you interact with others in real—not virtual—life, and do so with purpose, meaning, and contentment, you will endow your self-concept with purpose, meaning, and contentment; you will arm yourself to cope successfully with the stressors and challenges that face you. Remember that when you struggle with yourself, satisfaction is often found in face-to-face interaction with others. Not everyone, of course. There are those who would use you and dominate you to compensate for their own insecurities. But there are many who can be trusted, others like you who are looking for genuine, honest, and honorable interactions. Find them in your daily activities. Your computer screen may show you how to get from your house to a destination, but it won’t show you how to navigate through life’s challenges.

Grace, 47. “My daughter is 17. It was only recently that she opened-up to me and expressed her fear and anger from being bullied online. When she finally stopped denying her emotions and acting like everything was OK, we were able to communicate and work together on her insecurities—and mine!”

Grace’s daughter, Kasie: “I’m learning it’s good to talk to someone you trust about things. I have a couple of friends—and my mom—I feel OK talking to when I’m sad and worried. They help me with it. I’m not alone anymore. I also started volunteering at the soup kitchen on Saturdays. It gets rid of all that garbage people were saying about me. I can see now that I really do care about others. That makes me feel good. I really can be useful.”

Kasie’s classmate, Jackie: “It’s great to have a friend like Kasie. We seem, to understand each other, I guess because we have a lot of the same problems. I always feel better after talking with her. She says I should join her volunteering at the soup kitchen; she says I’ll feel better about myself. I’m thinking about it.”

Notes on Alice from her new counselor:

Alice’s father drank heavily and used his belt on her often. She remembers being terrified of him when she was a child. She describes her mom—an unstable woman who had a psychiatric history of her own—as psychologically abusive. “Dad’s anger and abuse was mostly predictable. I stayed clear of him as much as possible. Mom’s moods were unpredictable. One minute she could be showing me how to how to bake cookies, but then turn on me saying I was dumb and she wished she had never had me. It seems like I grew up always confused and afraid. Home was like a torture chamber.” More than thirty years after these repetitive disturbing childhood experiences, Alice has been a client in psychiatric counseling with medications, although without much success. She eventually quit her meds and began treatment with a series of psychological counselors, none of whom had much success with her.

She still has nightmares about her early home life. She shows symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder along with unresolved anxieties caused by fear of abandonment. She complains of issues in areas of anger, anxiety, and depression, and shows pessimism and marked sensitivity in relating to life and people. She cannot handle criticism from others, and takes it as a personal attack and sign that she is incompetent and worthless. She has a long history of alcohol and drug abuse. “Nothing in life gives me the relief and pleasure I get from booze and drugs. I knew they didn’t mix well with my meds, so I quit taking the meds and the shrink who was prescribing them. Crazy, huh?”

During adolescence and early adulthood, Alice developed a strong indifference to her health and survival. To put it bluntly, she didn’t care if she lived or died—a hallmark of subtle suicide. Drugs and promiscuity became the major players in her life. Although she never went to jail, she was routinely involved in drunk and disorderly episodes. Remarkably, she avoided major setbacks for many years. Although she never tried to kill herself, Alice is intensely ambivalent about living. She has taken many risks and rolled the dice many times in her life and never seems to care what the outcome might be. She trusts no one. The built-in will to survive keeps her alive, barely, but overwhelmingly negative thoughts and emotions produce a risky, self-defeating, and self-destructive lifestyle. Alice shows unmistakable signs of subtle suicide, characterized by a steady descent into a black hole of self-sabotaging behavior. After thirty years of practicing this lifestyle, her prognosis is not good because her core conflicts are so well established.

In the past her counselors tried to help her attack her alcohol and drug abuse, but those are just symptoms. Alice needs to confront her core conflicts: fear of abandonment; inability to trust others; anger and self-blame for the psychological abuse she suffered as a child; and internalizing criticism from others as symbolic parental attacks on her competence and worthiness. Her case is an excellent example of the importance of what she and her counselor need to attack. Too often, psychological treatments target symptoms, a focus that ignores the deep-rooted conflict that causes the symptoms. Unfortunately, with Alice this core has been ignored so long, her personality dynamics and action patterns designed to service the root conflict have become entrenched. Replacing them will not be easy.

We all hear people say, “If I win the lottery, I will be rich and happy!” Rich, maybe, happy, maybe not! Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert notes that in one study, a year after winning the lottery, winners were less happy than were paraplegics one year after their accident. How can that be? Winning the lottery looks good and being confined to a wheelchair looks bad. For the people who live in those circumstances, however, their current estimates of happiness are seen in comparison to their earlier life and to the anticipated future. The lottery winners have learned that the anticipated happiness of winning the lottery was unrealistic; the paraplegics have learned that the challenges imposed by the injury need not be overwhelming or impossible. In both cases it was not the outcome (good luck vs. severe injury) that determined their state of happiness; rather, it was their state of mind that initially had distorted their reality. Overnight wealth can be squandered and lead to long-term problems; paraplegics can choose to find meaning and purpose in their lives through spiritual, artistic, athletic, and other types of pursuits.

            Imagine a politician telling you something over and over and over. If you have some measure of respect for that politician, you might eventually believe what he or she is telling you, even when there is no objective, reliable evidence in favor of the statement. Pure repetition distorts your perception of reality and you accept a baseless assertion as true. Imagine that a highway in your town is finally widened thanks to receiving federal funds. Your local Congressional representative is at the dedication, helping to cut the ribbon opening the highway. You are pleased because you voted for that rep. You ignore the newspaper columnist who reminds readers that your rep voted not to approve the bill providing highway funds to towns like yours across the nation. You not only ignore the truth, but you also distort your perception—my rep brought those funds to our town, and that makes me happy because I voted for that rep.

            “OK,” you might reply, “but what does all this have to do with finding happiness? What’s wrong with wanting to be happy?” Nothing is wrong with wanting to be happy, but in our example above, your happiness is fake, based on a distortion of the truth. Another problem with the happiness search is that people keep looking for it in material things—winning the lottery, getting the promotion, taking a vacation, changing jobs. Happiness does come with acquiring certain things, but it is often temporary happiness and distorts reality. What’s more tragic than a lonely, confused, dejected person of any age locked onto their computer screen desperately seeking happiness by getting something concrete, but finding instead “advice” that leads them further into a black hole of despondency, misery, and hopelessness all based on distortions of reality? Happiness should not be sought in such ways; it must result from activities you voluntarily undertake. Such actions will keep you based in reality, and help happiness emerge in your experience. Action-based happiness is long-lasting because it comes from living a life based on personal values, a life with meaning, compassion, integrity, adaptability, contentment, and purpose—in short, a life anchored in sensitivity to the needs of others.

Last week we ended our post with these words: “The discipline of Psychology has shown again and again how an emphasis on ‘Me’ puts individuals on a self-destructive path that damages not only themselves, but also their family, friends, and acquaintances. Why would we expect anything different at the level of a society and country?”

In this age of unbridled self-preoccupation, it is easy to offend others. I once heard a politician say: “I’m offended by this, and I’m offended by my colleagues that are offended by what we’re doing.” He sounded like a frightened, self-centered person who is unable to confront a stressful situation in a constructive way. How about you? Are you regularly offended? Do you use it as an avoidance strategy? Is that how you want to go through life—mired in a swamp of avoidance and denial, unable to be flexible? Do you want to be a servant to your fears and anxieties—unguided by a system of values, with a loss of direction that makes you ambivalent about your worth?

Carl would answer those questions with a resounding “No!” A work colleague’s actions offended him but he did not avoid confronting the situation in a constructive way. Carl heard via the office grapevine that Nick, a recent hire at the company, was spreading a rumor that Carl had “padded” a travel expenses report. Nick had only been at the company for a couple of weeks, but he already was getting a reputation as a troublemaker. He always had “better ways” of doing things, and eagerly passed them on to the boss. He also seemed to enjoy spreading malicious gossip about his co-workers.

Carl was infuriated at Nick’s accusations. He could have used Nick’s upsetting and untrue accusation in an avoidance way, such as spreading derogatory rumors about Nick. Instead, in front of other colleagues, he confronted Nick and very forcefully issued an ultimatum: “Nick, I am offended by your comments that I filed false travel expenses. They are not true and I want you to give me and our colleagues standing here evidence supporting your accusation. Otherwise, I want an apology right now, and admit that you made up your accusation about me. I demand it! Evidence or apology! Right now!” Nick’s face showed he was stunned by Carl’s attack, and he proceeded to apologize, and stumbled through an excuse that he “misread some of the figures in your report.” No one present bought it, and Nick was thereafter shunned by his co-workers.

Americans are showing a lot of self-preoccupation these days, and unfortunately—unlike the appropriate actions taken by Carl—that usually leads to avoidance behavior driven by anger, hostility, and conflict. We frequently talk about the negative consequences of narcissism and self-absorption in this blog: people retreat into the comfort zone of their own needs, which makes them more dependent on others, incapable of critical thinking, and vulnerable to false messages; incoming information is molded to fit their beliefs; their sense of autonomy crumbles; their purposefulness and ability to see meaning in life fade away; and they fail to see how self-destructive their emotion-based actions have become. Frustrated and fearful of abandonment, their only recourse is to lash out—sometimes violently—at others.

The first step in coping with stress is accepting a simple fact: “I am not the primary ingredient in every recipe.” Until you put that understanding into practice, both your individual self-esteem and collective striving toward your group goals will suffer. So, let’s end our post this week like we did last week: psychological study shows how an emphasis on “Me” puts individuals on a self-sabotaging path that damages not only them, but also those around them. Why would we expect anything different in society?

It begins simply with three words: “We the People.” In 1787, those words announced to the world the intention of Americans to engage in self-government. The document said “We,” not “I, James Madison,” or “I, George Washington.” The document also said, “People,” and left the word unburdened by adjectives like “White,” or “Christian.” This government structure and procedures was to be managed by all “the people,” and amended whenever “the people” saw fit.

I think there’s a lot of psychology in the Preamble to the Constitution, plus a lot of coping principles that we talk about in this blog. In drawing up this document, the Founders showed humility by saying that “the people” had to agree to the document; the Founders were not going to impose it upon them as some monarch might. The Founders also showed considerable empathy and understanding of their fellow Americans. They understood their need for a productive life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness described in Jefferson’s Declaration, and they designed a government with those needs in mind. Most importantly, though, by requiring ratification by all the states, and by putting in the document amendment procedures initiated by “the people,” they allowed “the people” to make their government in their own image – to form a government that would allow them to find purpose and meaning in their lives, to actualize themselves. I find including those processes to be an impressive application of sound psychological principles. Think about it. Psychology has always recognized the need for people to find ways to “be all I can be.” We all want to be the best we can be, to reach our full potential, to supervise and manage ourselves, to be independent and secure with who we are. The Founders are telling us, “We have a government to help actualize yourselves! Do you want it?”

Humility, empathy, and purposefulness—all must operate within the boundaries of the rights of others if our coping efforts are to succeed. If you are in it for yourself, and want to dominate others with no regard for their needs, you are destined for poor coping at best, and self-destruction at worst. Mark Leary, PhD, Professor Emeritus of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke University, says, “After more than 40 years of research on human nature, I have come to believe that most of the serious problems people create—for themselves and for society—are rooted in excessive self-preoccupation. People think about themselves far too much, selfishly focus on what they want without sufficient regard for other people, believe that they and their group are special, and think that their beliefs are correct.”

I think the Founders of this country understood the danger of excessive self-absorption to an individual’s psychological stability, and they extrapolated this principle to a government design based on “we,” not “me.” Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, and even before the Constitution had passed, things begin to fracture in politics. In our time, that fracture has grown into serious Constitutional threats and damage. Humility and Empathy have given way to “Me”—self-absorption, greed, egotism, and a view of others not as partners in government, but as convenient steps in a ladder of glorification and deification of self. Self-preoccupation, the belief that I am superior to you, that my needs take precedence over yours, that I am special and you are unworthy of my help, will not end well. Psychology has shown again and again how an emphasis on “Me” puts individuals on a self-destructive path that damages not only themselves, but also their family, friends, and acquaintances. Why would we expect anything different at the level of a society and a country?