Psychology and Stress

Dr. Larry Nassar, physician for United States Olympics and Michigan State University, pleaded guilty in November 2017 to sexual molestation of female gymnasts over more than 10 years, some as young as 13. In the final stages of his trial, Judge Rosemarie Aquilina allowed the victims, numbering well over 150, to give personal impact statements in the courtroom, a process that took over five days as young-women victims came forward.

As each woman spoke, she looked directly at her tormentor and said things like, “You are learning that kids grow up to be strong women who can destroy your world.” “I used to consider myself a victim, but now I am a survivor.” “We are the voice. We have the power now.” “We are a force and you are nothing.” “How dare you ask any of us for forgiveness?”

            From a coping perspective, the victim-impact statements were remarkable examples of l courage, honesty, confidence, channeled anger, and empowerment. The young women proved to be perfect examples of what it means to cope with adversity. Note how they used their anger in socially-acceptable, civilized, self-assured, and forceful ways. They unleashed their anger at Nassar by being assertive, by standing toe-to-toe with him, and demonstrating that they were the better party.

            I like to think that these young women were the products of a society that—beginning in the last 30 years of the 20^th century—modified its view of women as a group largely subservient to the whims of men, to a group with high achievement motivation, and capable of independent action, leadership, military service, rugged athletics, and many more activities previously considered more appropriate for men. Today, however, we find ourselves 25 years into the 21^st century, and in the midst of some men who offer a view of women that reverts to 50 years ago. Fueled by their fragile and insecure ego, these men argue that the appropriate role for women in society should once again stress sensitivity, emotionality, passivity, and dependence—in short, they want women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Fortunately, strong, assertive, competitive women models for little girls—like those abused gymnasts—abound in today’s society. I can only hope that parents will encourage their daughters to identify with those models, and not buy into the narrative of yesteryear.

Dependency is one of many enemies of effective coping. Developing a sense of personal empowerment is difficult if you are psychologically dependent on others to fulfill your needs and wants. Does that mean you shouldn’t let your parents, spouse, or friends do anything for you? Of course not! We’re warning against chronic patterns of psychological dependency, not isolated occasions where you receive some assistance. There’s a big difference.

One of the best examples of excessive dependency is membership in a cult, or a group with strong cult-like features. Devotion to such organizations can be extremely hard to break when the group complements adherents’ personalities. They join because the leader compensates for their inner insecurities and weaknesses, often unconscious. If Pete joins an organization because they pay him a high salary, it would be easy to dissolve his loyalty: pay him more than that organization pays him! But if Pete is tormented by fears and helplessness that the organization mitigates with the reassuring message, “Join us and together we will help you resolve your fears,” weakening Pete’s loyalty will be difficult.

Loyalty to a cult and its leader is not based on political, legal, financial, or patriotic enterprises; it is a psychological undertaking based on one’s search for meaning, purpose, truth, and values. The simplicity and definitiveness of cult principles attracts those who are adrift, confused, and bewildered in that search. Unerring loyalty to the cult may fly in the face of logic, rationality, and self-preservation, but convincing believers that their loyalty is illogical, irrational, and self-destructive is futile when that loyalty satisfies psychological needs. Finding ways to help the follower satisfy those psychological needs without the cult and its leader, is the only way to show cult devotees the way out of their commitment. The key is to show them how to re-calibrate the search for values that brought them to the cult in the first place. It’s not an easy process, but few things worthwhile are easy. The point is, appealing to reason, logic, and level-headedness is not the way to go.

In the 1950s a small cult gathered on a hillside on a date specified by their leader as the day the world would end. According to the leader, God would save them and destroy everything else. In preparation for this day, these folks sold all their belongings, their houses, cars, clothes – everything! They made an incredibly strong commitment to their leader. When the world survived and the group experienced cognitive dissonance, they did not turn on their leader as a false prophet. Instead, they joined him in praising God for rewarding them for their great faith by saving the world. They reduced their dissonance by distorting reality, not by changing their beliefs about their prophet. They decided the world continued to exist because of faith in their leader. If you said to one of them, “Your leader was all wrong and caused you to get rid of all your worldly possessions! He’s a fake!” Their reply would be, “You’re wrong. God was so impressed with us and our prophet that He decided to spare the world. We saved you! And it was all because of our prophet!”

Many emotions are a signal that something is bothering you. Whether it’s anger, anxiety, grief, or depression, there is a temptation to focus on the emotions, and that can lead to complications. For instance, you might start blaming yourself, or others, for them. “I shouldn’t feel this anxious.” “Anyone who had to put up with my spouse would walk around angry, too.” When you focus excessively on your emotions, they can take control of you. To prevent that, you need to focus on actions you can take, not on how you feel. When you identify, evaluate, and analyze the events that bring on your emotions, you can practice those actions to channel emotions and give you a sense of personal control over yourself.

           John is a middle-aged man who was a correctional officer in a prison for twenty years. During this time, he suffered from numerous assaults from inmates. This was a much higher frequency than experienced by other officers. When asked why he thought he incurred so many assaults, he acknowledged he was not part of the in-crowd at work. As a matter of fact, he was disliked by most of the prison guards because he was outspoken about his progressive views and political activism, which put him at odds with most of his co-workers. He was the butt of jokes made by his co-workers and his commitment to his job duties did not bring him their respect. There were instances when he heard them talking about him in negative ways, which he found very disappointing, and that made him anxious and suspicious. After suffering a couple of severe assaults during which his peers did not try to help him, he developed PTSD.

           He started seeing a psychologist for counseling. He was already working with a psychiatrist on medication for PTSD and Major Depression. Slowly, they found a medication regimen that reduced his anxiety, flashbacks, and nightmares while not disturbing his sleep and positive mood. He also worked with the psychologist to deal with his emotions—especially his anger at work. He learned to walk away from situations, recognizing that it would be self-defeating to be confrontational. He also slowly accepted that walking away did not mean that he was a coward for doing so. This was an important perspective for him to accept, and more effective than his futile attempts to try and suppress his anger. He learned that managing his emotions did not mean trying to make them go away. He reached a major milestone when he realized his temperament was not suited to working in a prison. He was a sensitive man who cared deeply about social justice and hopes for a better society, and 20 years working in a prison environment did not complement those hopes. He admitted he chose to work in a prison for “pay and benefits.” That was an ill-fated decision and much of his frustration and anger was due to that poor decision. But he was not able to see he projected some of his emotions onto other people and environments.

           Slowly, a new John began to appear: He secured a new job and worked in counseling on when to honestly confront others; he slowly learned to be more tactful, particularly when around strangers, and not people he felt comfortable with and could trust; he found someone to coach him with exercise routines; he began eating healthier. Persistence with these habits facilitated needed weight loss, increases in self-esteem and assertiveness (as opposed to passive-aggressiveness), and reduction in depression, PTSD, and insomnia symptoms. At this writing he is much happier and content with himself and life, though he still checks in with his counselor about once/month to ensure he stays on the straight and narrow.

How do some people manage to “find” each other and think their relationship stands a chance? Imagine, for instance, putting a mean child and a selfish one in the same room day after day. That’s Alexis and Ed, two manipulative, self-centered takers—“I want what you have and will give nothing in return.”—who eventually frustrate and bring out the worst in each other. Each also blames the other for the relationship problems, which eliminates any hope of conflict resolution. They had each been married before they met. Alexis had only been married once, but had three children from this marriage. They had married when young and immature, and the children basically “got in the way” of their development as individuals and as a couple. They argued a lot and grew apart. Ed had two unsuccessful marriages under his belt. He had no children, had been in prison, and had a history of drug use, abusing women, and failed relationships.

            Alexis and Ed came to counseling together. Both were middle age, smart and attractive. Alexis had a histrionic personality—vain, demanding, and attention seeking. Everything about her was dramatic, from her mannerisms, to her style of dress, to her obvious breast enhancement surgery. She drank excessively in public, and was flirtatious toward both acquaintances and strangers. “Hey, what’s wrong with having a good time and showing off your assets,” she said. “Guys like to flash their American Express card. Well, I’ve got some things going for me, too!” Ed complained, “Alex is out of control most of the time. She spends and spends and is always flaunting herself around other men. She should be with me, spending more time with me. She seems to forget that I have needs, and a wife should satisfy her husband’s needs.”

            In counseling it was quickly obvious that there were many sources of conflict. Ed could not see any positive things Alexis brought to their relationship, and he would not acknowledge responsibility for his part in their difficulties. He was preoccupied with money and Alexis’s expensive lifestyle. He showed little commitment to Alexis’s children or a family life in general. He wanted time with his new wife and his hobbies, and only gave lip service to being a stepfather. He wanted Alexis all to himself, and refused to sacrifice or compromise.

            Alexis was slow to recognize that she had brought a psychological monster into her family. He was self-employed because he did not like to work for others or deal with rules and authority figures. Alexis also hated his friends. “They’re crude and disgusting. I can’t stand having them in the house. They’re just pigs!” she declared. Early in the relationship, she let the kids get to know him, but he was a poor role model. Alexis kidded herself and kept hoping he would change so she could monopolize his attention. Her wishes, of course, never came true. Ed’s dysfunctional personality was not going to change—nor was Alexis’s—and because both she and Ed were takers, their pairing would never work.

            In counseling, Ed saw that things were not going his way and he stopped coming. He moved out of the house and took everything that was not nailed down. The honeymoon was over, and now Alexis would not get the attention she craved. For her future, unless she changes her histrionic styles—which is not likely—she will never have anything but superficial relationships. As for Ed, he is unlikely to change and does not really want a good relationship because he is a consumer who takes advantage of others for his own benefit. He only sought counseling to see if he could turn things to his advantage.

            Ed and Alexis’s marriage was based on locked-in personality traits that stressed taking, not giving, and denial of the realities around them. There was little hope of communication, compromise, and empathy, fundamental pillars of any healthy relationship.

            In the 1970s there was a debate in psychology fueled by Mark and Linda Sobell’s position on the question, “Can the alcoholic learn to drink socially?” The Sobells said their research suggested the answer is “Yes.” The other side of the argument was represented by rehabilitation groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. Such programs are based on the view that the alcoholic brain is addicted to alcohol, and moderate consumption is virtually impossible to achieve. Any success will be short-lived, and over time the alcoholic will return to uncontrollable drinking.

            When you think about it, the Sobell’s suggestion is strange. If someone has a problem with alcohol consumption, why would they want to focus their coping efforts on moderating their consumption of what’s causing their problem? Isn’t there always a chance of “slipping” out of the moderation? Why would someone want to take that chance? If Joe’s drinking has caused him to lose his job, self-respect, and family, and he has been arrested for DUI three times, isn’t trying to teach him moderate drinking gambling with disaster? You want Joe to learn moderate drinking and hope that the moderation lasts? You want to gamble that there will be no chance of a “slip” into the former habits? That’s crazy. Wouldn’t a safer approach be for Joe to accept, “I can’t control my drinking. I must take better control of my life by abstaining completely. That’s the only way I’ll stay out of trouble.”

            I see an analogy here with the global warming debate. People ask, “Is global warming real? If so, is it caused by us?” Is that the focus you want, looking for someone to blame for the rise in annual earth temperature? Isn’t that focus irrelevant to the core issue: reducing carbon emissions to give us cleaner air to breathe, and better able to survive natural events like storms, floods, and fires? Shouldn’t we see laws to reduce global warming as showing that we can exercise some control and oversee our environment better? How many people get all stressed out fighting and arguing about whether climate change is real or not, man-made or not, or some dastardly plot by Big Brother to subjugate all of us into mindless slaves? Why do we feel so compelled to take an issue that impacts our physical and psychological well-being, and force it into a political conflict? Shouldn’t the focus be on strategizing with new and emerging industries and technologies to develop an environmental plan for the future? Wouldn’t that be a great example of effective coping by empowering us to exercise some control over our physical and psychological welfare?

Alcoholics can learn to drink socially; the earth isn’t warming. In a coping context, those arguments are examples of losing focus on the core issue. In one case our focus should be on maximizing an alcohol abuser’s prospects for a safe and productive life; in the other case the focus should be on keeping our “home” safe and productive. Here’s our coping lesson: To cope effectively with a problem, you must define the parameters of the problem and focus your coping strategies within those parameters. Don’t let others distract you and lead you into irrelevant areas. Don’t distract yourself with ego-defense mechanisms like denial and rationalization. Accept the reality of your issues; face them, and focus on developing specific actions to empower yourself to meet your challenges.

Do you ever feel you have a lot of positive traits, but you have trouble expressing them in your daily living? Frustrating, isn’t it? This disconnect between who you believe you are and what you exhibit to others is a danger signal that you are not coping very well. Here is a case study that shows the potential serious consequences of this disconnect.

Joe is a young adult who has been in outpatient psychotherapy for a couple of months. In the past he has seen two other counselors and two psychiatrists, and taken numerous prescriptions for antidepressants and mood stabilizers, all without much success. He said the psychiatric medications helped somewhat with his depression, but not his unhappiness. His comment reminds us that depression and unhappiness are relatively independent states, although they overlap; people can be unhappy without being depressed, but clinically depressed people are invariably unhappy. Joe’s statement that separates his depression from his unhappiness is typical of those who are ambivalent about living. Joe, for instance, describes himself as “smart, funny and attractive,” yet says, “I can’t get myself to feel these ways.” This comment is a very telling signal that anyone having coping problems should watch for carefully: you feel you have positive traits, but you don’t experience them in your daily living.

Joe recalls being, in his words, “normal” until reaching the teen years; at this time in his life he remembers becoming unhappy and introverted. “High school was miserable. I’m glad it’s over.” During his teens Joe was unable to assert his individuality and identity. Independence frightened him and he found it increasingly hard to make decisions and take responsibility for his actions. He felt alone, and reacted with self-defeating and self-destructive actions: he withdrew from others, abused alcohol and drugs, and engaged in unprotected sex with multiple partners. He became dissatisfied with himself, and developed very low self-esteem. “I really felt guilty because I wasn’t growing normally.”

Joe was adrift and had no clear purpose in life. He admitted he had no dreams or future goals. He said, “I don’t see myself living a normal life.” During one counseling session he blurted out, “I want to be struck by lightning or have some kind of freak accident.” When asked, “If you didn’t wake up tomorrow would that be okay?” He replied; “Well, yeah, I’d be dead so it wouldn’t matter.” Asked, “At the end of a tough day, who can you relate to and reach out for comfort?” he replied, “My cats.” The thing to note here is that Joe’s drift into a purposeless life began in his teen years. Now in his 30s, he has had nearly two decades of approaching life in this lackadaisical way. A lot of self-sabotaging habits have had a chance to strengthen; as they became more entrenched, they became more difficult to confront and modify.

The hard thing about Joe’s case is that there are no glaring early childhood issues that seem to have set things in motion. Joe himself said that until adolescence, his life was fairly conventional, “normal.” However, during his teen years, a tough period of storm and stress for nearly everyone, he had no guidance from role models to help him develop some achievement motivation, purpose, and social adjustment. His therapist says, however, that there are things to work with, notably Joe’s description of himself as “smart, funny, and attractive.” The counseling plan involved helping him coordinate these beliefs with his actions to become more assertive in confronting his life challenges.

As a general rule, remember that effective coping requires honest self-discovery and awareness of your strengths. Unfortunately, if you don’t work at translating those traits into productive actions, you will have no anchor to reality. This process is crucial: If you cannot “translate yourself” into concrete and positive actions, you will feel you have nowhere to go.

Every January my wife notices that her gym is more crowded than usual with a lot of unfamiliar faces. “Resolutions people,” she tells me, “They’ll be gone by March.” Her prediction generally comes true for nearly all the newcomers. How come? Why don’t New Year’s resolutions last?

“Saturday, January 9^th, I’m joining a gym.” There’s a problem right out of the gate. If you tie your resolution to a specific date, you’re just focusing on a date; you’re not motivated; you’re procrastinating, just kicking the can down the road. Picking a date is artificial. “I’m going to work out more to make me lose weight and get in better shape.” We’ve got two problems here: First, you’re putting the cart before the horse, using the resolution (“work out more”) to motivate you (“make me lose weight.”). Resolutions must be the result of motivation to do something, not the catalyst for generating motivation. “The boss invited me to join in a jog last week and I nearly died of exhaustion. That’s no way to get a promotion. I must get in better shape to keep up with him.” You want to improve your chance of getting a promotion now becomes the motivation for the resolution—running more to get in better shape. It always helps to connect your resolution to a specific motivator: “Warm weather will be here soon and I want to look good at the pool. I’ve got to join a gym”; “I’m in a wedding in three months and I want to fit into a smaller dress. I need to join a gym.” The second problem is that the workout-more resolution is too vague. “I need to be in better shape, so I’m going to work out more.” Work out more? Get specific. Make a specific routine involving repetitions, muscle areas, and specific days. To have any chance of success, a resolution must involve specific doable actions: Lose weight? “I will eat a piece of fruit—an apple or a pear—for lunch instead of a sandwich”; “I will walk my neighborhood for 30 minutes every day.”

Resolutions are often unrealistic. You make grandiose, unattainable resolutions (“Be able to run a marathon by Spring”; “Lose 30 lbs. by February,”) and you also believe that you’re reinventing yourself, creating a new you. That’s unrealistic thinking. “I’m going to run two miles every morning before leaving for work so I can qualify for the local marathon in eight weeks.” That’s crazy. “I’m going to reinvent myself—create a new me. For starters I will lose 30 lbs. by February.” Once again, unrealistic thinking.

A good way to make sure that your resolutions are realistic is to connect them to your values. Specifically, you must engage in values-oriented thinking and make your actions consistent with that thinking. “I love being with my family [your value], but I put off spending more time with my kids and spouse” [an action]. “My job brings me little personal satisfaction [your value], but I put off looking for another one” [an action]. Can you see the disconnect between values and actions? When making a resolution, first identify your values, then devise a plan that will help you coordinate those values with compatible actions. “I value my health and the welfare of my family, my obesity is bad for both, so I must lose weight.” I knew a young man who was morbidly obese at nearly 400lbs. When his widowed mother became sick and had to be briefly hospitalized, he realized that if she became unable to care for herself, he would want to do so. He greatly valued his mother’s welfare “But,” he thought, “how can I care for mom if I can’t even tie my own shoelaces?” Over the next two years, he lost 220lbs.

Aaron is ready. He resolves that this year he is going to find a new job. Sure, it was the same resolution he made a year ago but this time he’s serious. Plus, he says the economy is looking better. Sorry, Aaron, but you are showing us how not to make a resolution, how notto attack a challenge: First, you have an excuse for last year’s failure—you weren’t serious last year, but this year you are; the excuse says you have not accepted the reality of your situation; if you did, you wouldn’t need to say you’re serious. Second, you focus on external factors like the economy, rather than on what you may have done wrong to fail in your job search last year. In other words, you haven’t taken accountability for your actions. You have a lousy strategy based on chance external factors, and you haven’t worked on a plan of action that corrects previous mistakes.

The keys to being successful with New Year’s resolutions are no different than the keys for being successful when dealing with any stress in your life: (1) Accept your current situation and be accountable for evaluating your role in it; (2) make a plan of action that results from your motivation to change, not a plan designed to motivate you; (3) include realistic, attainable, and specific actions and goals in your plan; (4) connect your plan to your values; (5) begin now, not at some future date.

The holidays are a time when a lot of folks seem to focus on happiness. It’s Christmas! Let’s gather around the tree, sing carols, laugh, and have a happy time. Unfortunately, holiday happiness can be elusive because too often people tend to center their search around “me,” always asking, what do “I” need to do to make “myself” happier? If this sounds like you, the problem here is that you’re being self-serving and looking for answers that are defined by your needs, your frustrations, your anxieties, your difficulties. “But,” you ask, “how can I possibly help myself if I don’t center my plans and actions around myself?”

Here’s a thought, and an action that you can take year-round: Instead of putting yourself as the main ingredient in the recipe, take yourself out of the recipe. Consider the possibility that, whatever your difficulty, you can use the emotions it generates within you to increase your sensitivity to others who suffer—many times from conflicts similar to yours. This empathy will not only help others, but yourself as well. That’s right, taking yourself out of the formula will encourage you to reach out to others. The bonus? You will discover that reaching out will bring you ample helpings of personal satisfaction—call it happiness if you want, but it’s much more—and help you cope better with your problems. Many people feel that happiness is something that is acquired, like a trophy, a promotion, or winning the lottery. Psychology research shows, however, that happiness emerges from things you do, not from things you acquire. Reaching out to others, committing to a cause, working hard at a task, persisting in spite of frustration and adversity—these sorts of things seem more related to being “happy” than merely acquiring something.

Viewed from this perspective, one clear road to happiness involves empathy, a social responsiveness that does not involve a search for happiness, but a desire to help others because you understand their need. If you have been previously victimized or are presently dealing with emotional upheaval in similar ways as someone else, who can understand their plight better than you? Who is better equipped to relate to them than you? The true beauty of empathy and helping others, however, is that you reap the psychological benefits of contentment, satisfaction, and self-actualization. There is no more effective therapy than empathetic service to others. It’s not that empathy brings you happiness; it’s that empathy brings you a sense of being a competent and useful person.

Listen carefully to these clients in group therapy:

“Telling my story helped me face it as real. Then I knew others’ stories were real, too. I felt less alone. New people would show up. It was hard for me to listen to them because I was reliving my own experience. But I understood them, and knew they understood me. That was so cool.”

            “I discovered I could help others. Hell, if I could do that, I should be able to face myself. That brought me a lot of inner peace.”

            “I discovered I wasn’t the only one hurting. Others were there, too. Whenever I felt like I was drowning, I threw a lifeline to others in the group. We taught each other how to save ourselves.”

Whatever your plight, you are not alone in your difficulties. The best way to facilitate your ability to cope is to make sure that as you travel the road to discovering that you are useful you leave no one behind. Christmas is unique in offering you that pathway, but it can be traveled year-round. Take it. Doing so will help you will find yourself participating in—and enjoying the richness of—the human adventure.

Last week’s post noted how the holidays can be a tough time if you lost a loved one during the previous year. Suddenly, someone who was a part of family celebrations and joy is not there. Grief is magnified by holiday family traditions.

Grief often leads survivors “inward” to focus on their emotions, and dwell on how their loss has broken their emotional stability. This focus is understandable. Unfortunately, though, because holiday time is so strongly associated with happy times for most people, the inward spotlight can magnify sadness, despondency, frustration, guilt, anger—a literal flood of overwhelming emotions that can be devastating. That’s why an inward focus on grief—while OK in small doses—can ravage the coping process if the inward focus becomes a daily addiction. Fortunately, the holidays provide ample opportunities for an “outward” focus to help the aggrieved “live through” their grief. The grief-stricken—in a spirit of empathy—can reach out to others who have fallen on hard times, and discover that this outward focus gives them a way to move forward with their own grief, and honor their departed loved one.

I remember many years ago when a friend of our family suffered a great loss when her son-in-law was killed in an accident several months before Christmas. Her daughter, Jill, now a young widow in her late 20s, came to live with her mom temporarily while they both sorted out their emotional lives. My mother invited them to join us for Christmas dinner. Before dinner, my mom handed each of them a wrapped present. Jill was dumbfounded. “But I have no present for you,” she said. “Yes, you do,” my mom replied. “Your presence is our gift.” I was in college at the time and thought that comment was pretty cool. Years later, however, I saw the comment in a new light.

Giving vs. receiving—we generally separate these actions as distinct, but they’re not. When Jill accepted the gift from my mom, she also gave my mom something very special in return: the blessing of fulfillment and satisfaction resulting from giving. It sounds corny but I think my mom received a gift of feeling part of the family of humanity; mom discovered that a simple gesture to someone in distress—“Yes, Jill, you are saddened and in pain, but life endures through the pain.”—offered mom the special gift of receiving through the act of giving. So, looking at Jill and my mom, who gave and who received? For me, the lesson here is straightforward: Are you in emotional pain—depressed, saddened, hurt, upset, guilty, angry? No matter what time of year, focus on what’s “out there” and how you can be a part of it. After all, it’s life out there. Accept and receive from others, and in doing so, you will discover that you are also giving, and bringing honor to the memory of your loved one. Give your service and help to those who, like you, need support, and you will be blessed with the contentment of receiving in the act of giving.

Here’s a piece that Dr. Carlea Dries wrote on December 12, 2016, words I like to repeat every year at this time:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… except when it’s not. The holidays usually mean the coming together of family members. Ordinarily this is a welcome time of festive gatherings, exchanging of presents, and special memories made near a roaring fireplace. For some, however, this Norman Rockwell image is drastically different from reality, particularly when recent loss of a loved one is involved. Let’s note that “loss” is not limited to the death; it can also include divorce, hospitalization, incarceration, active duty without a holiday leave, or a family member who moved away. 

Recently, I attended the funeral for my great aunt. Though Marge was 93 and in failing health, her death hit our family rather hard, especially her daughters and sister (my grandmother, who is now the only one left of the original 11 siblings). The sermon during the church service (paraphrased herein) highlighted how this first holiday is going to be different: “You’ll notice the quiet. You’ll notice the missing [specialty food]. You’ll notice the missing chair at the table.” 

While I was at the repast, a good friend of mine texted to say that her parents are getting divorced after more than thirty years of marriage. This news was unexpected and rendered her numb. She just kept asking how it could be real and why, if it had to happen, it had to come so close to Hanukkah. This was supposed to be the first time she would be hosting her family, and now everything was changing. 

How do you cope with the first holiday season in the “next normal” or “new normal”? How do you hold on to a sense of control when things are clearly out of your control?

The most important thing to do, discussed in other blog posts, is to recognize what is in your circle of power. My grandmother can’t bring her sister back. My friend can’t convince her parents to stay together. So, they must try to do what they can: accept what it is and move forward from that point. Yes, that’s easier typed than done.

Some feel consoled by leaving a place at the table for the absent person, but many others find that much more discomforting because it is a visual reminder of the vacancy. You may, therefore, choose to remember the person in a smaller way. I have made ornaments with pictures of departed relatives, reminding me of times we spent together. Every year for Thanksgiving, my mother makes her aunt’s stuffing (though Aunt Petronella called it “dressing”). My mother-in-law uses a picture of her mother as the angel for her crèche. A friend video-chats with her husband who is stationed overseas. For the past 14 years, my father brings homemade goodies to the staff at the nursing home where his parents finished their earthly stories. A colleague mentioned that she has a “moment of reflection” during which everyone present shares a memory, story, or image of those who cannot be with them—one even sings a favorite song!

These simple gestures become meaningful traditions that do not overwhelm us with intense feelings of loss. Rather, they celebrate the lives and connections we had to those who are absent. 

Other coping suggestions include planning a totally new activity that literally takes you away from the familiar reminders of the absent one. Go on a mini-vacation. Celebrate with a different group of people. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter. Service to others is probably the most effective way of coping with personal loss. Keep your mind and body distracted, not to the point where you are ignoring, denying, or detaching from the loss, but to keep you focused on something productive instead of painful. 

No matter what options you are comfortable choosing, you must give yourself permission to feel. There will be moments when you want to do nothing but sit in silence. Other times you will want to do nothing but scream. You might even find yourself smiling or laughing and then feel guilty because how dare you be happy when you are missing someone?! Have “the big, snotty cry” if that is what you want to do. Let yourself feel. Take the time you need. It’s okay to say “no” to invitations; just be sure you don’t let your mourning stop you from living.  

There was also a message of comfort in the sermon for my Aunt (again paraphrased): Marge lives on in your hearts and memories. If you listen in the quiet, you can hear her. If you feel in the still, you can sense her. Remembering means no one ever leaves.

You might not feel better today. You might not feel better tomorrow. But at some point, you will feel that you have moved to the next normal and that will be the next best thing.