Psychology and Stress

Even adults need security blankets. Of course, depending on them exclusively to cope with the pressures of everyday life will compromise personal autonomy and empowerment. In moderation, however, our “blankets” can be a great source of comfort as we navigate life’s mazes.

Note that I said security blankets (plural). We often need different ones for different situations. For instance, when my “government and politics” world goes haywire, which seems to be the norm lately, I like to turn to George Washington for security. Yeh, the big guy, President #1.

I was born in Washington, DC in 1944 and lived there for the first 12 years of my life. As a kid I walked the stairway to the top of the Washington Monument…twice. My friends and I could walk into the National Archives (no security checkpoints in those days) and marvel at the Declaration and Constitution on display. We were especially fascinated at the model showing how the documents descended into a vault far below ground at the end of each day. We could join tour lines for the White House and Capitol. At the Smithsonian, seeing Lindbergh’s Spirit of St Louis dangling from a roof triggered boyhood dreams of ascending to the sky like a bird.

I often heard my parents and grandparents talk about local politics, but “local” in DC meant The President, Senators, and House members. Very early I learned the President was someone special and important, and I was thrilled when, as a boy of eight, I shook Truman’s hand. Oh, sure, I heard adults criticize and even make jokes about the President, but there was always an undercurrent of respect for his office. I also learned he was subject to the whims of fate and voters every four years. DC residents could not vote, but my grandfather owned a farm in Virginia and was registered to vote there. My first exposure to voting took place in November 1952 when he took me with him on the drive into Virginia to vote.

“Are you voting for General Ike like everyone else, granddaddy?” I asked.

“No,” he replied, “I’m voting for Stevenson.”

“But isn’t Ike going to win? All my friends say he will.”

“Maybe so, son, but it’s important to be a good citizen and vote for your choice. That’s why we fought Hitler.” (I knew who Hitler was. On the playground we would often chant a little ditty: “Whistle while you work/Hitler is a jerk/Mussolini bit his weeny/Now it doesn’t work!” That was cool stuff for an 8-year old boy, although I was never quite sure whose weeny he bit, Hitler’s or his own!)

I never forgot that conversation with grandad, and it’s pretty much all I remember about the trip. But I guess it’s the only part that was important to remember. Maybe it’s why since 1968, when I was finally old enough to vote (21 in those days), I have voted in every election, whether presidential, midterm, primary, or special-local. I think deep down I feel if I didn’t vote I would be letting granddad down.

Lately I’ve been wrapping myself in my George Washington security blanket. Reflecting on him gives me some reassurance and comfort in these chaotic political times. He helps me cope with the anxiety the current president piles on me. I mean, Washington was far from a perfect man, but he had tremendous character, honor, and dignity. Once the war for independence was won in 1783, he went before Congress (the Articles of Confederation Congress) and resigned his commission as Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army. Historian Harlow Unger says, “For the first time since ancient Rome, a commanding general with absolute power in his grasp, in future president Monroe’s words, left ‘sovereignty vested in the people.’ It was unprecedented in modern civilization.” Think about that for a minute: “The people must rule, not me. I’m going home.” Are you kidding me?

Here was this guy who was so revered and glorified by the people he probably could have proclaimed himself King and nary a word of protest would have been uttered. No wonder that George III of England, upon hearing that Washington was planning not to take over the country but to retire to his plantation and resume his life as a farmer, is reputed to have said that if Washington followed through with that plan, “He will be the greatest man in the world.” Indeed.

Washington’s retirement lasted four years. In 1987 men like James Madison pleaded with him to join the constitutional convention to help construct a new government that would correct the deficiencies of the Articles of Confederation. After a lot of arm twisting, Washington reluctantly agreed to join. Not surprisingly, he was elected President of the convention.

Amazingly, however, during the convention deliberations he did not join in the debates. He probably understood that if he did so, debate on that issue would end and the convention would choose whatever side he was on. Such influence would be inappropriate because he no doubt knew most members of the convention were more learned than he was, and they, not he, should determine the final product. He also was no fool, and knew that he would be chosen to hold the executive office in the new government, and he didn’t want to engage in a conflict of interest. Put that in today’s context and think about it: He had a chance to design the government he would be running precisely to his liking, but he said, “No, that wouldn’t be right.” Damn, that’s integrity!

In confirmation of the safest sure bet in history, once the new constitution was confirmed by state legislatures, Washington was elected our first president and took office in 1789. After four years he longed for his Mount Vernon home but succumbed to the pleadings of others to serve another term so the new government could stabilize further. It’s no exaggeration to say that Washington was the glue holding the fragile house of cards together, and many founders felt that should he leave after one term, their experiment would crumble.

At the end of his second term in 1796 he put his foot down and said, “No,” repeatedly, as others once again asked him to continue in office. His firm decision established an informal precedent that presidents not serve beyond eight years, a tradition that was observed for 150 years! (After Roosevelt broke the ice in 1940 and 1944, the 22^nd amendment to The Constitution was approved in 1951, limiting Presidents to two full terms.)

Imagine if Washington had surrendered to the lure of presidential power, and had chosen to continue until he died in office. Imagine if he had designated a specific person to be his successor. Imagine if he had treated the office like a throne. Would our executive branch have evolved into a monarchy? Would the constitutional experiment have even survived? Would the states and other territories on the continent have been gobbled up by Britain, France, and Spain, all waiting for this insane experiment giving sovereignty to the people to fail? Scary thoughts.

Even scarier – imagine if Washington had a completely different personality profile than he did. Imagine if he had been an insecure, antisocial, immature, domineering narcissist. Who knows what mischief he might have produced!

Given those scary possibilities, why does thinking about Washington give me comfort in 2018? Certainly because he rose above those possibilities; but also because I believe his monumental spirit, his lifeforce essence, like a majestic indestructible mountain, lives on in the Oval Office. I have faith that the civility, respect, honor, and dignity he bequeathed to the Executive Office under the Constitution are stronger than any individual who would undermine those qualities. As that young boy who roamed Washington nearly 70 years ago, I have to believe it. Failure to do so would destroy that young boy and rip me of my patriotism, not to mention my sense of self.

In the final analysis, I desperately hold on to the hope that Washington’s “gift” to us will carry the day. For me, he embodies the character and soul of the presidency and the nation. In 1796, at last free to go home, his departing message to his fellow Americans transcends time and still resonates 222 years later: “Think of yourselves as a single nation; subordinate your regional and political differences to your common identity as Americans.” As historian Gordon Wood said, “If any single person was responsible for establishing the young Republic on a firm footing, it was Washington…There has been no president quite like him, and we can be sure that we shall not see his like again.”

            This week’s guest post comes from Sandy. She shares with us the challenges that arise when a spouse has cancer. She also offers some excellent advice about attitudes and actions that she finds helpful in making a devastating situation more tolerable and manageable.

 This is probably one of the more, if not the most, difficult life experiences to write about.  Effectively coping with my husband’s cancer, plus being a positive influence on him, are challenges that I did not expect nor sign up for.

For both of us, this is our third marriage.  We met as teens in an ice rink in a mall in Gaithersburg, Maryland.  We “dated” as best as we could with a 25-mile distance, no car, and old Ma Bell as our communication tool.  Over time we drifted apart and saw less of each other.  He invited me to his Senior Homecoming as he was nominated “King,” and had one other “date” a few years later; that was it. 

About ten years ago, at this time of year, I was single and began an internet search for him. It was five months before I found a list of people from high school that included email addresses, and he was listed as Senior Class President.  I contacted him and asked if he was the same guy who rode his bike 25 miles on a day to see me.  He replied, “it’s me!”  He was living in Missouri at the time and going through a divorce.  I had given up all hope of ever finding true love after two failed marriages.  Our first phone call after over 25 years of not speaking changed all that.  We have been together ever since.

Before he moved down to Florida, he had a cold/virus that affected his tonsils and while the one on the left side went away, the one on the right did not.  It swelled and grew larger over a span of 9 years.  Eventually we learned it was cancer.  It has now ulcerated to the point where it must be covered up 24/7 as it protrudes outwardly on the right of his neck.  He is in pain all day and sleeps very little.

I have learned that patience is key to supporting someone you love who has cancer.  Learning how to react to them is important.  Go with the flow, ask what they need, and how you can help.  They are the best one to tell you what it is and what they want/need at that moment in time.  The pain they experience is situational and can vary.  When you ask, be careful of the timing of the question as this can either be positive or hurtful to then.  Do not interpret their response as something that is meant to be anger toward you personally. Remember, they are in constant pain and need to be approached with the utmost care and love that can be given.  Respect their wishes, regardless how they may seem to you.  This attitude is how I cope with what he is going through and it helps both of us immensely.

How to cope is defined by the person who is unfortunately going through these situations.  Their decisions on how they wish to be treated must be respected.  Encourage and uphold what they want and support them.  You would want the same in return.  Although you may not agree 100%, this is their decision.  When they search for ways to deal with the illness, be aware of what they are doing and educate yourself about the strategies they want to pursue. This is especially important when it involves non-traditional and non-Western medicine.

Another coping method during this time is to find time to vent your feelings about what you are going through.  Talk to someone you can trust, keep a journal, and do not keep your emotions trapped inside, only to explode later, possibly at the one who has the cancer.

And, of course, read this blog. The terrific hosts and writers can be excellent resources to lean upon, especially in time of emotional need.

 Some resources:

https://www.cancertodaymag.org/

https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/

https://www.verywellhealth.com/when-cancer-affects-your-marriage-513974

http://med.stanford.edu/survivingcancer/cancer-and-stress/when-your-spouse-has-cancer.html

 

Dean challenges Barb with a question: “Why do you feel so strongly about that? Your position is totally illogical!”

Later Barb finds herself ruminating on the exchange with Dean. “Why do I feel so strongly about it? Am I being unreasonable? Am I illogical? My position makes sense to me and I’m totally comfortable with it but maybe Dean is right. Maybe I should change my opinion.”

A student once told me, “You know what I hate? Having someone ask me why I do something! ‘Why do you get up so early? You should sleep in.’ ‘You don’t want to go out tonight? Why not? It’s Friday.’ Or I’m sitting in the cafeteria with some guys and one of them says, ‘Why do you eat all of one thing on your plate before you eat the other stuff?’

“I mean, what the hell, what business is it of his how I eat? Can’t I eat my food the way I want to? Am I here to please others or to do things the way I like?”

That last question really says it all and gets to the heart of the issue: You really aren’t here to live up to the expectations of others and they are not here to live up to yours. You have a responsibility to be authentic and true to yourself. Will you be satisfied with your life if you try to be someone you are not, someone another person insists you be? If you accept that the answer is “No,” resisting pressure to be what others want you to be will be easier. You will feel more personally authentic and be better able to work through the down times.

Let’s return to Barb’s example above. When confronting negative emotions, does asking yourself, “Why do I feel this way?” automatically produce insight and growth? Most people go into counseling seeking an answer to why questions: “Why I am feeling this way? Why do I have these negative emotions? Why do I get so anxious around others? Why can’t I be more decisive?” Common sense says answering those questions should lead to greater insight, learning, understanding, and positive growth. Research, however, says focusing on why questions can be unproductive and even harmful.

Ethan Kross of Columbia University asked undergraduate students to recall an experience when they felt intense anger toward someone. One group was told to vividly reflect on the experience in their minds; another group was told to imagine they were simply an observer watching themselves get angry at the other person. Only students in the second group showed lower anger when thinking about the original experience.

The lesson is clear: Dwelling on, “Why do I feel this way?” is not effective because you are focusing on the emotion and the person who aroused the emotion in you. Instead, you must view yourself more objectively, not as a victim of the emotion but as someone who can exercise some control over how you view your emotion. You must restructure your thinking about yourself (“I can control my thinking”) and others (“I cannot control what others say”). You need to understand that control is something best exercised on yourself, not on others. You need to understand that positive growth requires posing not the question of “Why?” but posing the question of “What,” as in, “What can I do to develop thoughts and actions that bring me more personally satisfying outcomes?”

Kathy Knowles runs a human resources consulting firm dedicated to making businesses more aware of employee needs, and thereby increasing worker satisfaction, retention, and productivity. She reviews some of the general employee factors that are relevant across all types of businesses: Low Pay; Little Opportunity; Minimal Job Meaningfulness; Underappreciated.

Let’s take these items and extrapolate from the workplace to your life. In other words, let’s see how you can apply basic human resource principles to coping with your life circumstances. To do so, you will need to adjust your thinking a bit, and see your life as your workplace and you as both worker and boss.

Low Pay. Are you overly self-critical, always putting yourself down? Give yourself a pay raise, maybe a symbolic pat on the back now and then, complimenting yourself on a job well done. Watch for the times when you feel pretty good, satisfied, about something you did. Pay attention to when the actions occur and resolve to repeat them when the time is right. Give yourself some positive self-talk: “Damn, I was really helpful. I need to do stuff like that more often.”

Little Opportunity. If you are going to empower yourself and cope effectively with life, you need to have challenges in front of you, and the opportunity to tackle those challenges head-on. Doing so will help you develop and improve your skills. Instead of sitting around and stagnating, you must provide yourself with opportunities to venture outside your comfort zone, experience new things, and find ways to improve yourself.

Job Meaningfulness. If a job is not personally meaningful you are unlikely to enjoy it. And, so it is with your life. Your life must be meaningful and give you a sense of purpose if you are to be maximally productive and satisfied with your efforts. This is where your values, morality, integrity, and personal standards enter the picture. If you stop looking for some expert to run your life, stop looking for artificial chemical crutches, and stop being passive and dependent, you will cope more effectively and enjoy fulfilling discoveries along a meaningful road of life. You must develop your own moral compass.

Underappreciated. This item has a lot of overlap with “low pay.” How often do you put yourself down and engage in self-criticism? How often do you march in your own special pity parade? How much do you ruminate about the past and how others were always mean and rejecting? Do you complain about how others do not appreciate how hard you try, and then internalize that criticism giving yourself a pessimistic evaluation of your abilities? Obviously, you’re not perfect; none of us are. But if you get in a pattern of habitually underappreciating yourself, you will strip yourself of confidence, optimism, and willingness to move forward when confronted with life challenges.

Ownership. This is an item I would add to Knowles’ list of how to increase productivity, morale, and satisfaction in employees. Workers should be given the opportunity to participate in the development of company policies; they should be consulted on a regular basis so they feel they are contributing to the decision-making process within the company.

By the same token you need to develop a sense of ownership about your life. You need to feel confident in assessing what you can and cannot control, and within those boundaries, decide how you should direct your life. When you feel such a sense of ownership you are less vulnerable to others who would dominate and use you for their purposes; you feel greater autonomy and independence in being able to take charge of your life and move confidently in directions you choose.

Karen Gathercole is Associate Vice-President of Human Resources at Florida Institute of Technology. In a recent column she discussed the human side of good HR principles. Her examples are all in a business-world context, but I think her comments reflect principles of effective coping that we regularly present in this blog.

Gathercole noted how any successful business boils down to its people, the human capital of the business. Employers should always make a concerted effort to understand the personality dynamics of their workers and how that personality is expressed in preferences for work conditions. An effective employer will investigate under what conditions individual employees are most efficient, and, within reason, will strive to match those conditions to individual workers. When conducted at an individual level, this analysis looks at policies like work schedules, variations in work environment, child care, exercise opportunities, and even providing for diet preferences. Obviously, such investigation requires clear and respectful communication between worker and employer.

Gathercole also notes how communication is especially important in increasing productivity, maintaining employee morale, and giving workers a sense of company identity. Managing, brainstorming, building teams, fostering cooperation and compromise, are all important contributions to the company “bottom line” without making workers feel like forgotten cogs in a wheel.

The best communication is face-to-face. The ease and convenience of our digital world often makes emails and texts relatively impersonal. These convenient forms of communication can also fail to convey nuance in conversation and produce misunderstandings, frustration, and resentment. On the other hand, the clarity of body language, voice tone, facial expressions, and a host of other intangibles are generally enhanced in face-to-face interaction. Even phone interactions are usually superior to electronic messaging.

Following good HR principles will increase the likelihood of having workers who are satisfied with their employment, believe they are valued and appreciated, willing to risk thinking “outside the box,” and feel somewhat empowered to play a role in policies. A careful evaluation of these HR principles by reading “between the lines” should show you that they are also effective coping lessons for challenging conflicts and emotional upheaval in your own life.

Consider communication. How do you communicate with others? In conversations with others do you impose your will on them and act like a dictatorial boss, always conveying the message that you know more and are in charge? Do you truly listen, or do you wait impatiently and interrupt to inject your opinion? Do you fail to put yourself in others’ shoes and try to see things from their perspective? Do you use “I” frequently?

Clear, respectful, and genuine two-way communication is usually involved in effective coping and productive interactions with others. In this blog we repeatedly talk about the importance of communication with others in coping with the challenges of everyday life. You need to train yourself to monitor your reactions and comments when talking with others; you must work at understanding their perspective, and recognizing that it may be different from yours, but that does make their perspective less valid than yours; you must realize that good communication works to find a middle ground between differing perspectives, not argue over whose perspective is better; you must treat others with courtesy, respect, and empathy; you must treat them as you want them to treat you.

Communication with others can be one of the best ways to cope effectively with life’s curve balls, because so often those curve balls come at you because of conflict with others. Seek out face-to-face interactions, and remember the four “C’s” of effective social communication: Consultation; Clarity; Cooperation; Compromise.

RAISING KIDS IN A #MeToo WORLD

I recently saw a newspaper headline that asked, “How should dads talk to sons at this #MeToo time?” Two things about this headline caught my eye.

First of all was the reference to the #MeToo movement. Are you telling me that prior to this movement, parents were not concerned about teaching their sons it’s wrong to assault girls? That’s ridiculous. Responsible parents did not need #MeToo to tell them assault is wrong.

Second, the headline only mentions dads and sons. I guess the message here is that moms have nothing to offer, and that raising girls in the #MeToo context is irrelevant. Just teach them to cook and everything will be fine.

The headline is typical of subtle, implicit sexist messages that denigrate women and assign them second-class status compared to men. The subliminal message is that only dads can provide their sons with the special attention needed to protect themselves against accusations from girls.

As usual, psychology has a lot to tell us about how to raise children. With respect to #MeToo, we can go back to the 1970s and Sandra Bem’s work on teaching children to embrace a variety of emotions and characteristics.

For instance, Bem says we should certainly teach our sons that they will find themselves in situations when they should be forceful, tough-minded, competitive, assertive, and dominant. “You need to be tough, kid! Man up! Don’t be afraid of competition and taking on those who stand in your way.”

BUT, we must also teach boys that they will often find themselves in situations when sensitivity, caring, sympathy, emotionality, and empathy are more appropriate expressions. If we do not teach them that it’s OK to show those traits and emotions, and that doing so does not destroy their masculinity, then they will be lost when in such situations; their coping skills will be severely limited because they will be bound by chains of traditional tough-guy masculinity, and unable to participate in a broader range of productive interactions with others.

By the same token, Bem argues we certainly must teach our girls how to be nurturant, supportive, and understanding. BUT, if we don’t teach them that in some situations they need to be assertive, competitive, forceful, and decisive, they will be dominated by those around them and find themselves ineffective and frustrated. Most importantly, we must teach them that standing up for themselves in no way sacrifices their femininity. In fact, failing to do so will sacrifice their self-esteem and their ability to interact respectfully and effectively with others.

I find the question, “How do dads raise sons in the #MeToo atmosphere?” insulting to women on many levels, and therein lies the problem that spawned the movement. We’re not talking rocket science here, folks. We’re talking about living together with mutual respect and striving for empathy when conflict arises. Girls should be taught to be caring and sensitive, but if the situation demands it, to be aggressive and competitive. Boys should be taught to be dominant, powerful, and tough, but if the situation demands it, to be emotional, sympathetic, and soft. And here is the key: Both can show this flexibility without compromising their respective identities and self-esteem as being feminine or masculine.

One final thought: In the wake of the #MeToo movement and seemingly endless accusations by women made against abusive men, some are saying the whole atmosphere puts tremendous pressure on men (“Am I doing something to offend? Will I be taken to court?”), and makes their world a scary place where avenging women are out to get them. These analyses are pure nonsense, kind of like saying the world is a dangerous place because there are cops all around ready to pounce if you break the law. In truth, the only ones worried about the cops are those seeking to break the law; law-abiding citizens do not walk around worried if cops are watching them.

There’s nothing new here, folks. During the Women’s Liberation Movement of the 60s and 70s, the same cries of alarm came from men. Hugh Hefner called the “libbers” man-haters. Men whined they were scared and complained about stuff like, “Do I call her Miss, Mrs, or Ms? I’m walking on eggshells. Can I compliment her without being accused of harassment?” Guess what? Young men survived, learned to respect women, got married, helped raise the kids, and even (gasp!) did the dishes now and then. Don’t buy into the scary-world warning, unless you’re up to no good.

Wanda Lipscomb-Vasquez, Program Director of Business Services at weVENTURE, offers some advice for those in business who generally see the glass as half empty. First of all, she gives some examples of negative vs. positive thinking. When assigned a job by his boss, Bill thinks, “I will probably fail,” but he should be thinking, “I will try my best.”

When faced with a challenge do you anticipate failure, or do you focus on putting forth your best effort?

How about this choice of self-comments when faced with a difficult task: “I don’t know what I’m doing,” vs. “I can learn.” Which approach is likely to give you the confidence to go forward? Along those same lines, “I can’t do this,” vs. “What a great opportunity.” Once again, putting your thoughts in a context of opportunity to succeed, not a recipe for disaster, puts you in a frame of mind where you can move forward to meet the challenge, and not run and hide out of fear of failure.

Lipscomb-Vasquez adds that in business, it is good to surround yourself with positive-minded people and to find a mentor to help you identify attainable goals and formulate a plan to reach them. Others can also help you stay focused on the task and receive regular feedback about how you’re doing. We bet this feedback loop is often missing in your everyday life, but it’s crucial to success. If you don’t know where you are presently, you can’t evaluate your progress realistically.

Finally, your proposal your boss wants should include a plan that is based on realistic optimism, not pie-in-the sky fantasy. Progressive steps can help in this respect. Kevin presents his production plan to the Board and says, “Within a month we will increase output by 25%.” Who are you kidding, Kevin? Brianna, on the other hand, has a plan that seeks “1-2% growth each month with a year-end goal of 15% growth.” As a Board member, which plan are you choosing?

We touch on these principles regularly in this blog because they are cornerstones of effective coping: View challenges as opportunities, not threats; identify what you can and cannot control; devise a plan to improve those things under your control; regularly monitor how the plan is going; keep your optimism and goals for the plan realistic. This last one is particularly important because it will help keep you from believing too much in the “power of positive thinking.” Positive thinking can be a great boost to your coping efforts, but in the final analysis it is not thinking at produces results; it is positive action that does so.

Let’s say you are doing something that causes you emotional stress. For instance, you feel you’re always blaming yourself when things “go south.” You’re also disgusted with yourself because deep down you know it’s ridiculous to imagine that you’re always to blame.

You get so fed up with all this self-blame that you decide it is time bring this tendency under your control. No one is telling you or forcing you to be self-critical so you know you can work to control it and do it less often. OK, working from that decision and desire, how do you go about tackling this problem.

First you have to assess where you are. You need what’s called a baseline that tells you how often you criticize yourself each day. To find out you need to start keeping a record. This is simple enough. Several times during the day, when you have a break from work or home responsibilities, reflect back on the past few hours. Note any conversations you have had, and examine your comments and your thoughts for any indications of criticizing yourself. Also write down details of the situation, such as time of day, where the behavior took place, and any other people involved. If you’re able, you can also do this recording right after realizing you’re being self-critical.

At the end of the day, record the frequency of these negative comments on a sheet of paper with the date and day of the week. Post this record in a prominent spot where you will see it each day. The number you record will correspond to the more detailed record you kept earlier.

For the first couple of weeks, don’t do anything else. Just keep recording those numbers on your posted sheet. There’s no need to post the detailed record, but stay organized and keep those records together in a folder.

Don’t be surprised if the number of times you engage in self-critical behavior each day begins to drop. This is a nice side-effect of the recording procedure. For one thing, you are bringing your habit clearly into your conscious mind, which means you will more likely catch yourself about to take the blame for something and be able to resist doing so. You begin to announce, “Well I guess it’s my fault,” but say to yourself, “Wait a minute, I’m not responsible for this and I’m not taking the blame.” Just becoming aware of your action can help you be your own counselor!

Posting the record can also bring out your competitive juices. That is, as you approach the end of the day you realize that yesterday you had 8 episodes of self-blame, and today you’re only up to 6. You tell yourself, “If I manage to avoid another episode I can beat yesterday.” If you pull it off you will give yourself a tremendous reinforcement when you see the chart the next day.

One nasty thing about our undesirable habits is that we don’t monitor their occurrence. We have no idea how often we do something we would like to stop. Just becoming aware of the frequency of the action can lower the frequency. If it doesn’t happen for you, don’t sweat it. After a couple of weeks, you will at least know where you are, and you will have that baseline against which to evaluate any steps you take to decrease your habit.

A nice thing about the detailed supplementary notes coordinated to the chart is that you can begin to discern trends. You may notice that self-blame is more frequent in the presence of certain others, or in specific situations (such as in a meeting or when you’re tired). Keeping the record makes you aware of your actions and can help you get a handle on specific events, places, and people that are strongly associated with the actions.

Once you’re aware of them, you can reduce your exposure to them, plus be more on guard when you’re in those situations. Again, awareness is the key. Most of our bad habits take hold of us because we’re totally unaware of when and where we’re exercising the habit. Find those situations that bring on self-critical comments, and then you can take corrective action aimed at appropriate targets.

The next steps are up to you. Find techniques to reduce your self-blame tendencies that work for you. Remember that one size does not fit all. What worked for your neighbor or friend will not necessarily work for you. And keep up the chart because you will be able to evaluate precisely the effectiveness of any technique you try.

Above all, remember that you are changing your lifestyle. You’re not in this for a week or a month. You are literally modifying how you act in specific situations. It takes time, practice, perseverance, and patience. There is only one way to win this fight, and that is to treat it like warfare. You are the general in charge of your thoughts and actions, and failure is simply not an option. Will you win every battle? Of course not. You will always have slips and setbacks. Ultimately, however, they must not deter you from feeling that you are winning the war.

The carpenter was finished repairing our front porch. He was standing nearby with the invoice while I was sitting at the dining room table writing his check. He looked to be in his early 60s, probably not too far from hanging up his hammer. Suddenly he asked, “So what do you do, Brooks?”

“I’m a professor at King’s College.”

Immediately he asked, with kind of a challenging tone, “So tell me, Brooks, what do those kids learn in college?”

Now I had been teaching for 30 years and I had developed my ideas about what he was asking. Also, I had posed his question myself dozens of times in presentations to parents at functions like Parents Weekend and Open House for prospective students. The old guy didn’t know it but he had lobbed me a softball.

“They learn discipline, transferable skills, who they are, and how to express their passions.”

I looked up at him and his expression was clear that he was a little taken aback with an answer he didn’t expect. But then he pulled out a chair, sat down next to me, and said, “What do you mean by all that?”

Paraphrasing, I replied, “OK, by discipline I mean learning to organize your life, plan ahead, establish priorities, how to find information and how to evaluate it. I mean learning how to be a team player, resolve conflicts, and solve problems. I mean respecting other points of view. Transferable skills are things like being able to speak, write clearly, read with comprehension, and have some technical ability. Expressing passions….I mean discovering who you are, developing some values and standards and finding ways to put all that into actions that bring you satisfaction.”

Silence, as he stared intently at me. Finally he said, “What about all that book learning?” I laughed, “Yeh, you have to learn that stuff to get a grade. But I think all the other stuff has more staying power because it involves learning to live. The book stuff fades fast.”

He got up, handed me the invoice, and I handed him the check. “My niece wants to go to college and learn about computers. Computers, math….a girl! I told her she’s wasting her time and her parents’ money. Good talking with you. Any problems with the porch give me a call.” And that was that. He was clearly unconvinced about the value of college, especially for “a girl.”

OK, why do I share this story in a piece about coping? Well, strip the story of the college context and two people talking, and you have some coping lessons. Just make my conversation with the guy into a conversation with yourself. You’re experiencing emotional upheaval over some circumstance in your life. How do you go about coping?

Let’s use my statements to the repairman about college learning. To cope effectively you must organize your thinking about your dilemma. What are your priorities? Are you communicating effectively? Are you listening and understanding others’ point of view? Are you working to solve a problem, or focusing on your emotions? Are your thoughts and actions within your circle of control? Are they consistent with your values?

We deal with these aspects of coping again and again in this blog. They’re often cast in some specific context, but the point is, no matter what the context, the themes developed usually have a much broader application because in the final analysis, they’re all about dealing with how to live. That’s what coping is: discovering actions that bring you meaning and satisfaction, actions that take you beyond mere existing, and into the arena of living.

So, the questions you need to ask yourself when you’re troubled should go to this central core: “Am I living in a way consistent with my values, my passions, and my needs? Or, am I avoiding and denying my challenges just to excuse my emotions and insecurities?”

It’s not rocket science, folks. Follow some basic rules and you’ll be fine.

 

 

 

 

To one degree or another most of us have experienced times when we avoid some activity because we’re afraid we’ll fail. Fear of failure can be a major obstacle to effective coping. Have you ever found yourself hesitant to take on a new challenge because you’re afraid you will fail? In some cases, your fear might be quite realistic. That is, you may lack the training or knowledge to complete a task, and you know better than to try and attempt it. The coping problem develops, however, when fear of failure becomes chronic, and your habitual way of dealing with challenging situations is just to walk away. In this case, you’re avoiding, quitting, giving up, and never giving yourself a chance to cope with problems.

Here’s a good general coping strategy for dealing with fear that impedes effective coping. Remind yourself that fear can be a good trait because it will prevent you from becoming too reckless, careless, and overconfident. Instead of putting yourself down for being fearful at the possibility of failing, why not put a more positive spin on things? Why not recast your fear into admitting that you are cautious and just want to get the odds in your favor before moving on? You can modify your fear of failure into a cautious and wise risk assessment. In other words, your fear about being unable to complete a task successfully can be seen as a positive characteristic because it encourages you to assess your odds of success. If the odds are low, you need take steps to determine why and develop a plan for increasing those odds. If your plan is totally unrealistic and you can’t increase those odds, you should abandon the task or redesign your strategy. Viewed in this context, you evaluate the fear as realistic and make it less of a source of concern for you.

Let’s consider two well-known Generals from American history to illustrate this point.

During the Revolutionary War, George Washington spent a lot of time retreating, knowing full well that if he stood and fought, the British would annihilate his army. So Washington, fearing failure, kept avoiding battle. Did he do so because he was a coward, or because he had a strategic plan? In fact, Washington’s fear spurred him to develop a strategic plan: he would turn and fight only when conditions changed the odds a bit in his favor. Give him a cold night, a half-frozen river, and Christmas Eve, he figured a surprise attack on the Hessians at Trenton had a reasonable chance of success. He was correct, and his success at Trenton totally revitalized the morale of the colonies and made a lot of people feel that the British could be defeated. The war continued for many more years, and Washington continued to do a lot of retreating, but he knew his cautionary strategy would pay off in the long run.

At the other end of the spectrum, we have another George, Custer, a general for whom retreat and fear were totally foreign, things to be denied and ignored. During the Civil War, his reckless charges as a cavalry officer paid off, and he began to feel indestructible. Eventually, during the Sioux War a decade after the Civil War, unlike Washington he let his ego get in the way of cautious strategic cost-reward analysis, and we know how that ended!

When you’re faced with risky odds and a fear of failure, let your fear encourage you to take a step back and organize your thinking and actions around determining if you can increase the likelihood of success. If you can’t, then the prudent thing to do is to use your fear of failure to motivate you to act wisely and not take on the task. If you can increase those odds of success, however, go for it by following a realistic strategic plan.

Just make sure you include the consequences of failing in your risk assessment. For instance, during the space initiative of the ‘60s, NASA exemplified what we’re saying with a culture of, “Failure is not an option.” It’s a nice phrase, but NASA faced the reality that failure potential was always present. That harsh reality was brought home by the Gemini capsule fire during a launch rehearsal that resulted in the deaths of three astronauts.

For NASA, “Failure is not an option” in reality translated into, “We’re going to do everything we can to minimize the odds of failure.” Custer did not understand that coping principle; Washington did. Let the example of Washington guide you in your efforts to confront your life challenges.