Psychology and Stress

Ken and Sam were entering a restaurant. Ken went first just as a customer was leaving. Ken didn’t give way to the exiting customer, but continued ahead through the doorway, forcing the customer to step aside. Sam, however, directly behind Ken, stopped, stepped aside, and motioned to the customer to walk out before Sam entered.

Once inside, Ken said to Sam, “Why did you do that? Don’t you know that by letting that guy out you were basically telling him he was your superior? You backed down.”

Incredulous, Sam replied, “What? Being courteous shows you’re secure in your own skin, that letting someone else be first is not a threat to you. In fact, when you had to nearly push him out of the way you were showing that you couldn’t let a stranger have the upper hand. Sorry, buddy, but that shows insecurity.”

What do you think? Who was showing the better coping skill, Ken or Sam? We believe it was Sam, for the following reasons:

Many people seek a stress-free life with minimal unpleasant emotions. The problem is, that approach makes them the main ingredient in their life recipe, where they see themselves as virtuous and entitled. This approach is selfish and will fail in the long run. When it comes to coping, what you want is not there lying on the ground to be picked up and put in your pocket.

When coping with stress, don’t seek things from life; don’t just wander around looking to pick up solutions to your problems. Rather, participate in life, experience it through actions. Experiencing life allows positive emotions to emerge from your actions. Consider, for example, the case of Ken and Sam, which really boils down to old-fashioned courtesy. Polite actions put needs of another person in your coping equation. When you include others in the picture, you can feel some humility as you show yourself that others are important, and empowerment as you see you can participate with life in ways that will give you confidence. Don’t look for emotions and feelings; allow yourself to experience them by acting in ways that don’t make you the center of attention.

Ken needed to keep himself as the center of his actions, which is an ego-based strategy designed to protect a fragile sense of self. Sam, on the other hand, made the other person the focus; he showed himself that he was confident and secure within himself, and empowered to act with a social conscience.

Think about it. Feeling all stressed out, that your life is spiraling out of control, that you are suffocating? Maybe you should stop cooking with life recipes that make you the main ingredient.

What would you do if you owned a small company with 20 employees, and you wanted to increase worker morale and loyalty to the company? If you consulted a Human Resources Specialist, you would most likely get suggestions that revolved around ideas of taking care of your workers and making them feel appreciated, things that would give them a sense of ownership of the company. What would some of these “things” be?

At the top of the list would probably be compensation. You would want to make sure that you pay your people at a fair level consistent with the type of work they do. The level might be defined by pay of workers in similar jobs at other companies. Connected with actual pay, of course, would be policies governing things like vacation and sick-leave, maternity leave (both genders), bonuses, educational supplements, overtime, comp time, etc.

No doubt there would also be suggestions from your consultant to provide opportunities for advancement, alternative training and expansion of skills, plus policies that would give your workers a sense of meaning and significance about what they do. Once again, your consultant would probably focus on actions to help make your workers feel appreciated.

Let’s see if we can translate the human resources (HR) strategy into a personal coping context, and imagine how you might apply basic HR principles to your “life workplace.” We often talk about the importance of developing a coping plan when confronted with specific challenges. Let’s take that notion a step further and apply it in a broader context, moving from a specific hurdle facing you, to a general policy you can take toward yourself as one who “works” at living.

Do you pay yourself enough? Do you occasionally give yourself a “pat on the back” for a job well-done? You should. Don’t overdo it, of course. Limit your “pay” to situations where your persistence, preparation, and effort paid off.

How about “vacation” time, “sick leave,” “personal” days off? Do you indulge yourself now and then, allowing yourself to take a brief timeout from responsibilities and reserve some “me time”? You should.

Do you take actions that allow you to appreciate yourself? Self-appreciation can be much more than a pat on the back. In fact, sometimes you don’t even need that pat: “I did something today that made someone else feel good. That makes me feel good, so I should try and do stuff like that more often.” Tune yourself to be aware of the effect you have on others.

Do you have a sense of loyalty and ownership about your life? That is, do you feel responsible and empowered in your life workplace? Or, are most of your actions and beliefs the result of dependency on others? You must nurture your autonomy and independence so you can be accountable to yourself for the actions you take. That accountability, of course, applies to both your successes and failures.

Just as your company HR consultant zeroed in on policies that would make employees feel appreciated, so must you develop self-directed actions that pay attention to your needs and feelings. These actions must not become so extreme that you drift into narcissism, but should be focused on insuring you do not neglect yourself because you feel you are unworthy. Empowerment, confidence, and autonomy – all essential to effective coping — cannot proceed if you consider yourself unworthy.

 

 

Faced with life stressors, you have two choices: On the one hand, you can say the hell with it and withdraw into a protective shell. No matter how stressed out life makes you feel you just decide to live with the stress and avoid trying to do anything about it. This choice keeps you in your comfort zone, but from a psychological perspective it will turn you into a stagnant pool, a state where you exist, but are not living your life in any productive or satisfying way. This avoidance strategy makes coping with stress virtually impossible.

On the other hand, you can decide to attack the stress in your life, to accept challenges and meet them as best you can. That’s what this blog is all about. You can decide not to be ruled by your emotions, but to accept them and use them to your advantage. This choice requires more effort and focus than the first one, but we believe that the effort is well worth it in the long run. This choice also involves some basic truths about life and coping:

You can only control your thoughts and your actions.

Life must be lived in the present.

Optimism is good but must be grounded in reality.

Excessive dependency on others is the enemy of self-empowerment.

You must accept your emotions but not let them rule you.

Positive actions are more powerful than positive thoughts.

You learn more from failure than from success.

You should accept help from those you trust.

You should try to serve others when appropriate.

Your body is designed for movement, so keep it moving.

We often talk about the importance of doing an honest self-assessment as part of the coping process. Developing a sense of empowerment and facing challenges can be greatly facilitated when you have a good idea of your strengths. Unfortunately, it’s easy to overlook them and sell yourself short.

I remember an adult student who came to chat with me during her final semester of college. When she entered college seven years earlier, she had already raised two children who were both in college themselves. She wanted to enter the workforce but decided that first she needed to get her college degree. “I got married a couple of years out of high school and we immediately started having kids. I was strictly a stay-at-home mom.”

She was still married when she entered college. Along with some domestic responsibilities she was also a parent of college students, so most semesters she carried a part-time course load, and also took summer courses. The road to graduation turned out to be long – seven years — but she did it and was approaching 50 when she graduated.

Sitting in my office about three months before commencement, she lamented, “I’ve never had any work experience to speak of, and I’m nearly 50! How can I put a resume’ together that an employer will notice? I have no job experience or skills.”

I said, “You need to think outside the box here. Sure, you have your college degree, but you have no work experience. Still, there must be some things that you bring to the table.” She laughed and said, “I raised two kids!” Ah ha! Now we had something to work with.

Over the next 10 minutes or so we had a good time coming up with some of the “work skills and traits” she had acquired over nearly 25 years of raising kids. Our list included: persistence; patience; cook; organizer; planner; psychologist; therapist; problem solver; teacher; first-aid “nurse”; mediator; mentor; role model; disciplinarian; judge. All that, plus her outgoing, modest, and positive interpersonal style, formed quite a good package.

I also told her to include a statement that her work experience and parental skills were apparently successful given the fact that when both her kids were in college, they held part-time jobs to help with costs, maintained above average grades, and graduated on time.

She put together a somewhat unconventional resume’, but it showed her maturity, sense of humor, and realistic perspective about how she could contribute to an organization. She had five interviews all of which resulted in job offers. Nothing supervisory, of course, but solid positions that offered her the chance for advancement.

When you’re faced with challenges, it’s easy to sell yourself short and avoid confronting hurdles because you tell yourself, “I don’t have the skills to take this on.” Until you make an honest and realistic assessment of your skills, however, and allow yourself to think broadly and creatively, you’ll never know.

One thing for sure: You don’t want to live the rest of your life tormented with thoughts of, “I wonder what would have happened if I….?” My adult student didn’t.

Coping with stress requires you to accept life rather than try and manage it. The first step in acceptance is to challenge negative and irrational thoughts you carry around with you. Everyone has such thoughts now and then, but trouble begins if you have them most of the time. Here are some examples:

Making mountains out of molehills. Frank made a mistake at work and thought he was going to be fired. Not only was he not fired, his “mistake” uncovered a flaw in the company work manual.

Taking everything personally. Is the slightest criticism from others as a challenge to your self-esteem? Remember, you can’t control what others say. Marian felt that whenever her husband decided to do something with the guys, it meant he felt she was a lousy wife.

It’s not a black-white world so don’t force others into one. “You either trust me or you don’t.” “I am always correct and he is always wrong.” This style of thinking overlooks a basic truth: there are two sides to every story, and the truth often lies somewhere in the middle!

Do you over-generalize and reach crazy conclusions from a single unrelated incident? “I gave a lousy presentation. I’m obviously a complete failure in everything I do.” “I got a lousy grade in my Economics course. I may as well quit school.” “I was turned down for a date, so I’m obviously a worthless individual no one wants or cares about.”

How often do you get caught up in irrational thinking? “I must succeed in everything I do or I’m a failure”; “I must be admired and respected by everyone or I’m worthless”; “I struck out three times in our game today. That does it. I’m batting .268 but it’s clear I’m a burden to the team and I’m quitting”; “The boss gave the project to my colleague. She obviously thinks I’m incompetent.”

Irrational thinking can impair day-to-day functioning as your life becomes organized around the central themes of those thoughts. Such thoughts are demoralizing, interfere with effective coping, and make you vulnerable to psychological dysfunctions like Personality Disorders, Depression, and, very frequently, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. In this last condition your mind entertains a big package of irrational thoughts, and you are constantly adding thoughts to the box. The result is that you worry about a variety of different things, and at an intensity far above what is normal concern and worry.

The repetition of irrational thoughts in your mind will dispose you to focus on them more and more. As you do so, your actions will be modified around those thoughts, and you will develop dangerous habits of withdrawal and denial. We regularly point out that finding satisfying actions for yourself is central to effective coping. Actions that service irrational thoughts do not bring satisfaction because they are difficult to resolve and tend to isolate you from situations that need to be challenged.

For instance, a woman in counseling confessed that she avoided social situations as much as possible because, “I’m afraid I will faint.”

Counselor:      “Afraid you’ll faint? Has that ever happened?”

Woman:           “No, but it’s possible.”

Counselor:      “Yes, that’s true. But can you accept that it’s highly unlikely?”

Woman:           “Yeh, I can go with that.”

Counselor:      “Besides, what if you did faint? What’s the big deal?”

Woman:           “Are you kidding? Everybody would laugh at me and think I was worthless.”

Counselor:      “Worthless? Laugh at you? Would you react that way if you saw someone faint?”

Woman:           “No, I would think they were sick or needed help. I wouldn’t…Oh, I see what you mean. No, I guess they wouldn’t make fun of me.”

“OK,” you ask, “how do I deal with irrational thoughts?” One thing for sure, simply telling yourself, “I’ve got to stop thinking this way” is futile. Your best bet is to accept the reality of your irrational thinking, identify those thoughts, and focus on rational actions you can take that will help you think more realistically.

Look again at our earlier examples. Instead of carrying around that irrational baggage, how about considering strategies that involve self-talk like the following: “I need to talk to my supervisor about how I can guard against making a mistake like that in the future”; “That pitcher really fooled me with his curve ball. I need to study the tapes plus take more batting practice against that kind of pitch”; “I need to let my colleague know I’m available to help should she need it”; “I need to share with the boss some ideas I have for other projects.”

When you react to failure by developing proactive actions to take, you are learning how to fail. Many people are crushed by failure and unable to cope with the resulting anxiety, frustration, and other disheartening emotions. When you learn how to fail, however, you see failure as a learning opportunity, and you accept the challenges imposed by failure. Then you are coping effectively.

The first step in the process is to become aware of your irrational thoughts. Write them down when they occur. Enlist the help of friends, acquaintances, and even professionals to help you identify them. In this way, you will be able to focus more on rational courses of action to help you cope with the everyday challenges you face.

There’s never any guarantee you will succeed. But by focusing on positive actions, at least you’re teaching yourself to persevere even when frustrated; you’re showing yourself that you are self-sufficient enough to engage in some proactive actions; and you’re doing things that give you a chance to feel good about yourself. Such positive possibilities certainly outweigh marching in your personal pity parade.

Coping effectively with stress is not the same as finding happiness. Do you ever find yourself thinking, “If I could just handle all this stress better, I would really be happy”? Sorry to say, you’re kidding yourself. The problem is, when you think like that, you’re treating happiness, an emotion or feeling, like it’s some sort of goal, something you will magically find.

Some things can be treated as goals. If company is coming later, you can work like a dog cleaning the house, and know that by late afternoon you will reach your goal, a clean house.

But emotions and feelings don’t work that way. Imagine if you circled a date on your calendar, a date two months from now, and wrote, “I will be self-confident.” You might be in for some disappointment in two months.

The secret to dealing with stress, and experiencing feelings and emotions like happiness, satisfaction, pleasure, confidence, self-esteem, etc., is to remember that those inner states are things that emerge, develop, and grow out of actions you perform.

So, rather than get hung up on feelings and emotions you long for, focus on actions you can take, actions that give you a sense of personal satisfaction, empowerment, and meaning to your life. Before you begin considering specific actions, however, there are some cautions to keep in mind:

First you must identify your strengths and your weaknesses. That will help you choose actions that are realistic for you.

Keep your expectations moderate so you can derive something positive from almost any outcome.

Don’t focus on actions that bring you material rewards, such as money. If rewards come, consider them icing on the cake, not the reason you’re baking the cake.

Don’t brag about your activities to others or do things just to receive praise. In other words, take yourself out of the picture.

Discard any feelings of entitlement. Life isn’t fair and was never supposed to be. The only things you are entitled to are those you earn.

Don’t focus on “if only I could…,” or I really should….” Instead, focus on what is already there. Tell yourself, “Here is the reality of the present. What are my options and which ones would be appropriate for me?”

Choose actions that you can do yourself. Being independent increases life satisfaction.

Include “serve others” on your list.

It’s OK to “celebrate yourself” now and then with a pat on the back when you feel you have done something worthwhile. “Good job, Self; I must do this more often.”

Your actions may require the help of others. Thank them, and show them you care for them and appreciate their presence in your life.

When we say that to cope better you should focus on actions you can take, can you see the larger message here? We’re saying you should not seek things from life. Rather, you should participate in life, experience it, and let satisfaction and productivity come you as the result of appropriate actions that you perform.

Experiencing life allows positive emotions to emerge from your actions. Consider, for example, serving others. Such an action can bring you a sense of personal empowerment, along with humility from knowing your efforts are sincere, authentic, and that others are important to you. This coping orientation will guide you to feeling you are participating with life in ways that will give you confidence to face your stresses and challenges. Don’t look for emotions and feelings; allow yourself to experience them by acting in ways that don’t make you the center of attention. Depressed? Anxious? Feeling adrift, lost and unfulfilled? Feel like life is suffocating you with stress? Stop cooking with life recipes that make you the main ingredient.

When it comes to dealing with stress in general, a common mistake is to focus on the stress you feel. Instead, try to focus on the actions you can take, or not take, to deal with your problem. For example, “I do not enjoy my job, but I refuse to answer ads for other jobs because I’m afraid I will fail in the interview.” Now you have something specific to attack….. not the stress itself, but your reluctance to search for another job because you fear failure in an interview. The different focus will help you modify your thinking about stressful events. Also, do not automatically assume an upcoming event is a threat that will show you to be incompetent or stupid. Rather, view the event as a challenge that will give you an opportunity to show your skills.

Are you convinced your opinions are totally correct? Are you so certain about it that you are habitually obsessed with trying to convince others you are correct? Do you distort information that is contrary to your opinion? Consider this example:

John: “Fred is the most honest man alive.”

Zoe: “Fred told me he got a promotion at work. My friend, Betsy, works in the same department as Fred and said no one in the department received a promotion in the past year Sounds to me like Fred isn’t all that honest.”

John: “Obviously Fred meant he hoped he would get a promotion. Betsy heard him wrong. Fred would never tell a lie. Why are you trying to ruin Fred? He’s an honest man. I’ve known him for years. He would never, never, tell a lie.”

How about this one:

Larry: “I’m glad I voted for our current Senator. He cares about us.”

Clare: “Where have you been? He just voted against giving a tax break to a company that wanted to build a plant here that would employ 5,000 local workers.”

Larry: “That’s bull. The company bosses are lying. Since when can you trust what big business says? Like the drug companies.”

Clare: “But that company has built large plants in three other states and boosted the local economies. They have a good record of following through with what they say. Our Senator showed lousy judgment on this one.”

Larry: “That’s just fake news that his political opponents want you to believe. The Senator has always looked out for our welfare. He obviously knows that there’s behind-the-scenes stuff going on that will screw us.”

In these examples, John and Larry seem to have a blind spot when it comes Fred and the Senator. No matter how compelling the evidence against them, John and Larry are determined to stick with their opinions, even if it means distorting the evidence.

What’s going on here? Are John and Larry just being stubborn? Maybe so, but psychologists look for deeper reasons when folks get really animated in defending their opinions. Sometimes people are so irrational they put themselves in danger. Why would Jim Jones’ followers allow him to lead them down a path to suicide? Why would followers of David Koresh accept his self-proclaimed special link to God, even when he was having sex with several of their wives?

We’re beyond stubborn here. Are they avoiding something, denying something by holding on to their blind, intense, and obsessive allegiance?

Consider this possibility: Whether it be James or Larry, or a Jones or Koresh follower, is it possible that deep in their psyches, they are insecure and unsure about themselves and their actions, and need to avoid facing that fact? Are they trying desperately to convince others, and themselves, of the wisdom of the choices they make?

For instance, do those who are guilt-ridden on the inside have to yell long and hard to convince you, and themselves, how pure and sinless they are? Similarly, do those with strong dependency needs, but who fear rejection, need to strut around loudly proclaiming how self-sufficient they are, to avoid facing the fact that inside they are a quivering mass of insecurity and anxiety?

Have you ever heard someone say, “Trust me, I’m always right.” You might think, “Wow, a narcissistic personality disorder!” Of course, applying a label explains nothing. What you need to consider is that the cocky person is following an avoidance strategy to deny inner insecurities by wearing a protective armor to hide those insecurities from others and self. Why? Because those inner feelings are saturated with fear and anxiety. What better way to deny and avoid them than to act precisely the opposite!

It seems like a great strategy, but if you travel the road of avoiding facing your fears, frustrations, anxieties, guilt, anger, or any of a number of negative emotions, you are heading in one direction: Depression.

To get off that road and deal better with your stress, to feel secure in your own skin and to stop presenting a “false you” to others and yourself, you must confront your inner demons, accept them as real, and get help in resolving them.

Know the warning signs that you are on the dangerous road of avoidance: (1) You proclaim your opinions intensely and habitually; (2) You hold onto your opinions in the face of contradictory evidence; (3) You discard family and friends who reach out to help you evaluate your opinions in realistic ways; (4) You are unable to reach inside yourself and answer the questions, “What am I avoiding? What am I afraid of?”

In the late 18^th century, describing someone as being “passionate” about an issue meant they were very emotional about it, but not necessarily in a good way. Getting “passionate” when a particular topic came up meant getting “bent out of shape,” being “too worked up,” exploding emotionally, and having difficulty with self-control when discussing the issue. What used to be called excessive passion is today called being overly emotional about an issue to the point that it clouds good judgment.

When it comes to effective coping with stress, in 18^th century usage, becoming passionate about an issue would be counterproductive, because excessive emotional outbursts would make rational and reasoned examination of a conflict difficult. Becoming passionate would produce defensiveness, frustration, and even hatred, sending calm deliberation out the window.

What “passionate” means today, of course, is somewhat different than two hundred years ago. If you are passionate about something you are immersed in it, committed and dedicated to the issue; you love it and find it worthwhile and satisfying. Whether it be music, science, serving others, or childrearing, being passionate suggests a devotion to effort and always striving to improve.

Each year college admissions committees try to bring in a “well-rounded” class of students with diverse interests. The committees do not want cookie-cutter young people who all fit the same mold. Except, that is, for one thing: Passion! Admissions committees want students who are passionate about life and learning, and about at least one special activity that gives their life meaning, purpose, and motivates them to achieve important goals.

When it comes to coping with stress, you must also develop passion about your life. This doesn’t mean you love every aspect of your life and jump from one enjoyable aspect to another. No, passionate coping means you value life in general, and believe it is important to be an active participant in life.

Being passionate encourages you to engage yourself in both the good and the bad aspects of living: you strive to “connect,” not avoid, even when faced with challenges; you become devoted to effort, not ambivalence; you plan rather than withdraw; you seek achievement, not stagnation. Connecting, striving, planning, and achieving are effective coping strategies.

As tennis star Billie Jean King once said: “No matter how tough, no matter what kind of outside pressure, no matter how many bad breaks along the way, I must keep my sights on the final goal, to win, win, win, and with more love and passion than the world has ever witnessed in any performance.”

 

Navigating the demands of a relationship – now that’s stressful! There are all sorts of relationships, such as parent-child, sibling, co-worker, good friend, romance, etc. Let’s take a look at that last one.

Romantic relationships are complicated because people enter them for different reasons. For example, overly dependent (psychologically) folks look for someone to take care of them, and when they find someone, they proceed to suffocate the partner with excessive clinging. Narcissists look for someone to make them feel important; they don’t really love their partner, but just want to possess them and use them. Some people just love the excitement and energy of the early stages of a relationship when everything is fun, fun, fun. But as time goes on, if they fear commitment, they will soon be looking for a way out. Then there are those with drug/alcohol problems; they’re already seriously involved with their chemical of choice, and they use the chosen partner as a crutch to help maintain their lifestyle.

We don’t mean to paint a lousy picture of romance, but just want to point out that things can be complicated because some folks may have psychological deficiencies, and they’re just looking for someone to plug the gaps. It pays to be vigilant both within yourself and the other for signs of such dysfunction, and to remember that these toxic relations are not conducive to effective coping, and are likely to fail.

A major hazard in romance is unrealistic optimism. Consider marriage. In the exciting early days of a relationship that leads to marriage, most people underestimate the probability that divorce will happen to them. This type unrealistic optimism can lead to benign neglect in a marriage, a belief that “things will work out, even if I do nothing to adjust.”  Obviously, this perspective can be fatal to the relationship because maintaining the bond requires a lot of compromise and adjustment from both parties.

Another threat to the stability of a relationship is believing in so-called romantic destiny. Those who believe in that “soul mate out there” also believe, “Because my mate will learn about my personal preferences eventually, it is unnecessary to discuss them prior to marriage”; “No matter how you handle it, conflict is always negative.” On the other hand, those who see marriage as involving romantic growth are less likely to agree with those statements.

Can you see the problem with romantic destiny? This belief is really a surrender, and the person is saying, “I have little control over my life; I feel inadequate at communicating my desires to others and resolving conflicts with another person. I can only hope that my soul mate is out there and we will magically find each other and live harmoniously. I can only hope destiny smiles on me, because I don’t see self-managed growth with another as a possibility in my life.” In other words, the psychological definition of Romantic Destiny is “I don’t think I can cope with the demands of a marriage.

Psychologist David Schnarch, says each person in a relationship has a level of differentiation. If you are differentiated, you are able to maintain your individuality, your sense of self, even when you are emotionally close to someone else. You can share, cooperate, compromise, and give in; but through it all, you remain an individual, and secure in your own skin. When differentiated, you do not subjugate yourself to the will of the other. You work with your partner from a context of personal stability and self-assurance, not from weakness, insecurity, and dependency.

When conflict occurs, people high in differentiation communicate effectively with their partners without becoming aggressive or withdrawing; people low in differentiation run away or fight with their partner. Highly differentiated people strike a balance between their individuality and their emotional connection to their partner. They do not need to suffocate the relationship emotionally. They maintain equilibrium between seeking validation from their partner, and validating themselves. Those low in differentiation will constantly look for attention and approval from their partner, or are narcissistic and “me” oriented. They overwhelm the partner with demands, possessiveness, and jealousy, forcing the partner to meet my wants and needs; or they ignore the partner while “doing their own thing” and concentrating on my needs. Either way, the partner will not feel a part of the relationship.

How does someone become differentiated? Probably every post on this blog touches on coping principles that facilitate such growth. As a start, however, next time your relationship reaches rocky ground, ask yourself a crucial question: “Am I behaving in a differentiated fashion, or have I constructed a relationship recipe that makes me the primary ingredient?”