Psychology and Stress

Should psychologists be given prescription privileges? What this means is simple: If a licensed psychologist is treating a client who has been formally diagnosed with a severe disorder, such as Major Depression, should the psychologist be legally able to write a prescription for an anti-depressant? Other drugs of interest would probably include antipsychotics, tranquilizers, hypnotics, lithium carbonate, and mood stabilizers. A handful of states already allow prescription privileges for psychologists, and other state legislatures are considering it. Is this a good trend?

Many psychiatrists – they obtain their MD and then specialize in psychiatry – argue that only those who have graduated from medical school should be allowed to write prescriptions as part of treatment of mental illness. Dr. Ryan Hall, MD, president of the Florida Psychiatric Society, says psychologists “should not be allowed to write prescriptions for things like opioids, benzodiazepines, mood stabilizers, antidepressants, or anti-psychotic medications.” Why not? Because psychologists do not have the extensive training in pharmaceuticals and the human body that medical doctors do. It’s a defensible argument.

I think there are additional arguments that can be made against privileges for psychologists. These arguments do not refer to limited medical training, but focus on the idea that drug intervention is not always the answer when treating psychological disorders.

For instance, doctoral-level clinical psychologists – who receive four + years of rigorous training beyond college – are exceptionally good at diagnosing mental illness and treating it. Some professionals argue that granting them prescription privileges runs the risk of diluting their focus on diagnosis and therapy, areas that are their true strength.

Granting prescription privileges might also tempt psychologists to think more like psychiatrists and rely too much on medications. Unfortunately, there are no medications that will help a client achieve the kinds of personal change psychologists stress: personal empowerment; learning that you control only your emotions and your thoughts; developing an action plan to navigate more effectively the challenges of life. Also, disruptions in emotions like anxiety and anger brought about by life circumstances can be confused with mental illness, and lead to unnecessary drug treatment. Do we want psychologists going down that road?

As another example, consider that psychiatric medications work well with severe levels of some illnesses – such as, Major Depression and Bipolar Disorder – but are generally no better than a placebo for low and moderate levels – such as, Persistent Depressive Disorder. It is the moderate illnesses that psychologists deal with most often, and medications might be inappropriate.

It’s also important to note that prescribing psychiatric medications, even by a trained psychiatrist, remains largely a trial-and-error process. Matching a particular compound with a particular body physiology is not as easy as some people think. Medications for psychological issues work only about a third of the time. When they do it can take weeks to “kick-in,” a delay that can produce considerable frustration and despair when a client discovers nothing is changing.

Given all these potential problems, why add psychologists – who are trained in assessment and diagnosis – to the prescription mix?

There is a coping lesson that emerges from this discussion. If you feel you have a persistent, chronic, severe problem that significantly interrupts your daily activities, consult both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Research shows that for many conditions the combination of psychological “talking therapy,” and psychiatric prescription medication, is more powerful than either treatment alone. Many of these professionals work together and allow their respective areas of expertise to complement each other. This partnership will provide you with a thorough psychological evaluation and diagnosis, decrease the risk of diagnostic errors, and help you work actively as a participant in developing a treatment plan that may include medications.

On the other hand, if your “problem” is more along the lines of dealing with moderate everyday stressors of life – such as, you’re worried about a project at work; anxious about making a presentation; distraught because your son was caught shoplifting; wondering how best to tighten the family budget – you might be better off seeing a psychologist and receiving assistance that does not involve the use of medications.

Sharon enjoys her job except for one thing: She finds one of her colleagues, Eric, a royal pain. He thinks he’s hot stuff, and when around Sharon he acts arrogant and likes to make flirtatious comments directed at her.

Showing some empathy, Sharon says, “He doesn’t mean any harm but he’s one of those guys in his early thirties who acts like he’s still a college frat boy. He never really grew up. So, he often makes these not-so-subtle sexist comments directed at me, or says how attractive something I’m wearing is. No touching, no hostility, just being a pain in my butt. I tell him to grow up but he usually just laughs. He acts like a teenage kid teasing his sister. Like I said, harmless, but I’m getting tired of it and need to deal with him without poisoning the work atmosphere.”

We’ll get back to Sharon in a minute. For now, let’s get a general view of coping with stressful situations, even relatively small ones like Eric. If you want to cope effectively with bumps in your life road, you need to focus on six areas, six intertwined processes that help bring some order and stability to your life.

First is acceptance. You must resist the temptation to engage in denial about situations that bring you uncomfortable emotions. Denial encourages avoidance of yourself, which is incompatible with resolving your emotional conflicts. You must accept reality and your emotional reactions to it.

Second is accountability. Yes, this means taking responsibility for your mistakes and apologizing for them if need be. But effective coping also requires holding others accountable for the discomfort they impose on you. When things go haywire, it’s not always your fault.

Third is humility. Like virtually everyone, you have a natural tendency to make it “all about me.” Bad move. The needs of others have to be a part of your life path or you will descend into narcissism.

Fourth is empathy. Understanding yourself emerges from understanding others. That doesn’t mean you must feel sorry for them; it means that you can resolve conflicts better, and feel more independent and empowered because you act with the needs of others in mind, not just your needs.

Fifth is values. You must base your life on moral guidelines; you need an internal compass to guide you, a set of standards that give you a sense of personal direction.

Sixth is a plan of action. Any effort to cope with stress requires action. Your actions, however, must be thought-out, organized, realistic, and logical. Plus, they must be implemented forcefully and confidently, but calmly and patiently. The thing to remember about coping plans is that they will be most effective when they are based on acceptance, accountability, humility, empathy, and values.

With all this in mind, let’s see how Sharon tackled her Eric problem. Without going into a lot of detail, Sharon thought through her plan of action. She had a private one-on-one meeting with Eric and told him his flirtatious, immature behavior had to stop. She showed him specific parts of the company Employee Handbook, and pointed out that she had a basis for filing a complaint, but didn’t want to do so for the sake of office morale. She showed humility, but with a dash of assertiveness appropriate for this situation.

Notice how Sharon decided not to let things ride and avoid confronting Eric. She accepted the reality of his behavior, the emotions it generated in her, and the likelihood that it would persist. She also accepted that she had no control about what he might choose to do on a given day.

We already saw how Sharon was empathetic about Eric’s immaturity, and that helped her stay calm; that is, she knew she had to confront him, but she was able to do so from a task-based, not an emotion-based, context. She used the Employee Handbook – not an emotional outburst involving threats – to make her point.

Sharon clearly put the ball in Eric’s court. His actions were up to him, but if he refused to see things from her point of view – notice how she required Eric to show empathy for her – there would be consequences. She placed accountability squarely in Eric’s lap.

Sharon enjoys her job, and believes in integrity, reliability, teamwork, respect for her colleagues, and loyalty to her employer. Her plan of action was guided by these values, and allowed her to be open – and not overreact – to her frustration and irritation caused by Eric’s behavior, and allowed her to confront – not avoid – the troublesome situation.

Fortunately, Eric got the message and began to treat Sharon with more courtesy and respect. Had he not done so, she would have gone to plan B – the Employee Handbook and filing a formal complaint.

Effective coping with everyday stress is greatly enhanced by having empathy for others. Why? For one thing, understanding and appreciating the thoughts and emotions of others can provide you with personal insights. For another, empathy facilitates communication with others, and communication allows you to see that you are not alone – others deal with the same sorts of conflicts that you do. This sharing gives you a sense of humility, that you are not the special one. Finally, empathy helps you develop a giving/receiving interaction with others that brings everyone benefits.

A giving/receiving interaction? Think about that for a moment. Have you ever been hesitant to accept help from someone because you consider yourself independent and empowered? That’s fine, but remember something very important: Independence and empowerment are strong signs of good coping, but when independence occurs without empathy, the result can be social isolation; when empowerment occurs without empathy, the result can be false pride. When empathy is present, however, you are able to understand others’ need to give; you become more willing to accept their help; and thus, you allow them to receive the special blessings of giving. What could be more satisfying and empowering?

Empathy can also help you in dealing with adversaries. Understanding why someone may want to be your opponent can give you insights and help you defuse conflict by showing others you understand their issues and insecurities. It’s a tricky dance, but empathy can help show you the steps.

With all that in mind, let’s talk about public social messages – words and phrases that are a part of our interactions with others. Psychologist Drew Weston has studied social messaging in a political context, and how to design political ads with appeal to voters. Messaging can also involve what’s called “political correctness,” an evil phrase to many people. But I would like to focus on words and phrases that fail to show an understanding of what another person is feeling. Let’s look at some examples.

A former student once said to me that she worked with “food insecure” people. I confess that I thought she dealt with eating disorders! But, no, food insecurity refers to those without regular access to enough food to provide for adequate daily nutrition. I find the phrase “food insecure” vague and judgmental; on the other hand, I find the phrase, “I work with those without access to enough food to provide for adequate daily nutrition” quite empathetic.

How about the phrase, “unemployment compensation”? What sort of images does this phrase raise? A lazy, no-good bum? A failure in life? Someone looking for a free handout? Someone so irresponsible that he or she can’t maintain a job and gets fired a lot? These are not kind images. But what if instead of “unemployment compensation,” you said, “financial support for people who have lost their jobs through no fault of their own”? This latter phrase is much more empathetic and results in a whole different class of images.

“Equal gender pay” is one of those well-intentioned phrases that also triggers all sorts of biases in some folks. “Yeh, women can’t do half the work of men but they want the same pay anyway.” “Why should someone be entitled to pay they don’t deserve just because they’re a woman?” “What about when they get all that time off for having a baby? Is that fair?” On the other hand, instead of “equal gender pay,” what if you hear, “Everyone should receive pay that reflects their dependability, effort, productivity, and accountability”? Is that a little more empathetic and less likely to raise prejudicial thoughts?

I could come up with more examples, of course, – social security, meals on wheels, immigrant dreamers, civil rights – but here’s my point: Others hear what we say with their brains; but they listen to us with their hearts. When you are able to reach others’ hearts, you are communicating with empathetic messages. And you know what will happen next? You will discover that your personal coping efforts will be greatly enhanced because you will realize you’re communicating with your own heart. That self-discovery will bring you independence and empowerment with empathy. Your independence will be without isolation and loneliness; your empowerment will be without self-absorption.

Speaking to his brain, you say to your friend, Bill: “I hear you’re having open-heart surgery next week. My dad had that a few years back and he came through it great. You’ll be fine, Bill.”

Speaking to Bill’s heart, you say: “I hear you’re having open-heart surgery next week. My dad had that a few years back. I remember he said to me, ‘Son, I’m scared out of my mind; I’m afraid I’ll die on the table and I’m not ready to go! I’ve still got a lot of living to do.’ Bill, I really understand what you’re going through. Any time you need to talk, I’m there.”

Generally, when you think of coping with stress, I bet you tend to look for strategies that take place at an individual – me – level. When you throw humility and empathy into the picture, however, you transform your coping efforts into a social enterprise, and you experience the beauty of a life that includes others.

“Managing” your life is a poor way to cope. Too often, manage means to suppress – “I need to keep my anger in check” – or avoid – “If the boss wants me to make that trip, I can’t let him see I’m pissed. I’ll make up some family excuse and I won’t have to make the trip.” Suppression is a form of denial, and avoidance rewards you for running away from challenges. Neither strategy helps you cope effectively.

Coping with stress means accepting life’s challenges, and becoming empowered by facing them. The empowerment strategy involves acceptance of yourself, of your emotions, and of reality; and, a willingness to face them all. A management strategy involves denying, avoiding, and staying in your comfort zone.

Effective coping means accepting challenges that you can realistically confront with actions that are under your control. This confrontation may increase your stress in the short run, but reduced stress levels are yours in the long run. Coping often means, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

If you want to accept life rather than try and manage it, the first thing you must do is confront negative and irrational thoughts you carry around with you. All of us have these thoughts, but effective coping is disrupted when you have them frequently, and base them on one or two experiences. Here are some examples:

***Making mountains out of molehills. A stressed-out client made a minor mistake at work and immediately thought he would be fired. This thought prevented him from talking with his supervisor about how he could guard against making a mistake like that in the future.

***Taking everything personally. Do you take the slightest criticism from others as a threat to your self-esteem? Gail’s co-worker was always putting her down and she was losing her confidence at work. A friend suggested, “Put the onus on her, not you. She’s probably jealous and sees you as a threat to her promotion chances. You can’t control what she says, so go on offense and offer to help her out with what she’s working on. You’ll be in control!”

***Seeing reality as an either-or proposition: “You either trust me or you don’t.” “My plan is correct; yours is wrong.” This style of thinking is typical of the authoritarian personality and overlooks a basic truth: There are at least two sides to every story, and the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle. Show people that you understand their side, are able to see the strengths of their side, and can design a solution that incorporates features of their side.

***Do you reach you reach crazy conclusions about yourself from a single incident? “I gave a lousy presentation; I’m obviously a complete failure in everything I do.” “I was turned down for a date; I’m worthless and no one wants to be around me.” “I didn’t get the promotion; the boss hates me and sees me as a liability.” Perpetual self-criticism, and inviting others to join your personal pity parades, are avoidance and denial strategies.

These examples have one thing in common: You treat failures as personal attacks on you, and accept them as inevitable because you believe you are incompetent.

You must learn to treat failures as potential learning opportunities: “When I fail, what steps can I take to improve and be less likely to fail in the future?”

Just keep it real! Coping with stress does not mean insuring that you will always be happy, successful, and feel good about yourself. When you face failure, effective coping means you know how to choose actions that are under your control; you have the confidence to modify those actions and be accountable for the consequences of those actions; you are able to act with humility and empathy for others; and, you act to feel satisfied and productive, not just to make yourself happy.

Discussions of homosexuality can get pretty intense, even nasty. For instance, discussing the question, “Is homosexuality a mental illness?” can get downright ugly. Emotions aside, there’s an interesting history to this question. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is used by psychiatrists and psychologists to diagnose clients. Prior to 1973, homosexuality was listed in the DSM as a disorder. Imagine, all of my undergraduate and graduate education in psychology – 1961 to 1970 – taught me that homosexuality was a mental disorder. In 1973, however, three years into my 41-year career as a researcher and college professor, my class lectures and discussion – not to mention my thinking – had to be modified.

Actually, I didn’t have any personal problem with the change. Anecdotally, it never made sense to me to consider the gay people I knew as having a mental disorder. It just didn’t fly.

DSM notwithstanding, many folks still believe that homosexuality is an abnormal condition. To support their belief, they note that depression and other mental disorders can run higher in gays. Psychologists, however, generally agree that the greater presence of such conditions is due to pressures from anti-gay groups, discrimination, oppression, bias, and rejection. Mental health professionals say homosexuality should not be seen as some sort of abnormal mutation, but as a part of the normal range of human sexuality. If depression is present in a gay person, treat the depression, but accept the client’s sexual orientation.

There’s another issue that can get folks all riled up when discussing homosexuality: Nature – “I was born this way” – vs. Choice – “I choose this lifestyle.” Discussions of this issue can get complicated because people on both sides can go online and easily find websites and “research findings” that support their position.

The most objective comment I can make about this issue is: Psychologists and psychiatrists generally agree that reputable research supports the “innate” position. That is, most people experience little or no choice in sexual orientation. The cause may be genetic, or possibly prenatal – when the fetal brain is exposed to gender hormones like testosterone during the second trimester – but either way, the “innate” position says that the brain’s sexual preference is present at birth.

I have thought about the nature-choice issue quite a bit over the years, and one day something occurred to me. Dozens of times, and in many courses, my students and I discussed child development, sexual behavior, and how parents could best help their kids deal with questions and impulses. Invariably we would discuss when – and how – parents should give their kids “the talk,” you know, the birds and bees and all that really good stuff.

Guess what? In all those class discussions, no student ever mentioned that a parent had said to them – or even that the parents should have said to them – “We think it’s time to talk about sex. You’re old enough now, and it’s time for you to choose your lifestyle. Are you’re going to be heterosexual or homosexual? What’s it going to be? Are you going to be attracted to girls or boys? The choice is yours.”

Logically, if someone believes sexual orientation is a choice, shouldn’t parents have that conversation with their kids? When I began asking that question to my students, I generally saw puzzled expressions, and comments like, “Huh? That makes no sense.”

One time a male student reported to the class that he tried the question out with his friends. “I asked my roommate when he decided to make it with girls instead of guys. He said, ‘What are you talking about? Girls always turned me on!’ I also have a buddy who’s gay and asked him the same question. ‘When did I choose guys? Seriously? That’s crazy. I remember when I was 9 years old watching an old Star Trek TV show. There was this scene with William Shatner without a shirt and I felt a jolt of something I had never felt before. God, that chest! Nine! I hadn’t even hit puberty but a bare-chested man just flattened me. By the time I was 15 it started to become clear. The Star Trek thing suddenly made sense. I was turned on by guys, not girls. I hated it because I wanted to be like the other guys. For a long time, I hated myself, not because I chose to be gay, but because I was obviously made different from my horny friends who always talked about girls. I wanted to be like that, but I wasn’t, and I couldn’t make it any other way.’”

“I couldn’t make it any other way.” A major coping challenge is becoming comfortable with who you are. Sometimes “who you are” can be modified: “I’m too short-tempered with my kids and spouse. I need to learn how to express my anger in more acceptable ways.” Sometimes, “who you are” can’t be modified, as in the case of my student’s friend. Make sure you know the difference.

Alan is a 68-year old retiree. Eight months ago, his wife of 41 years died after a brief illness. He still struggles with the loss but he’s getting along pretty well.

Victor lives in the same neighborhood as Alan. He’s 66, retired, and just 2 weeks ago, Benjamin, his partner for the past 33 years, died unexpectedly. Victor is devastated and fighting grief and loneliness.

Alan and Victor are casual acquaintances, although not friends. They recognize each other because they happen to take afternoon walks around the neighborhood at the same time each day. As they pass, they always exchange a brief greeting (“How’s it going?”) and some small talk (“Cooled off nice since yesterday, didn’t it?”).

Thanks to the neighborhood grapevine, Victor learned about the death of Alan’s wife, and shortly afterward offered words of condolences on one of his walks. Through the same grapevine, Alan just learned about the death of Victor’s partner, and was hoping to see Victor resume his walks so he could express his sympathies.

Two weeks after Benjamin’s death, Victor took an afternoon walk for the first time since his loss. As he and Alan approached each other, Alan thought, “My god, he looks awful. He’s lost weight and is just shuffling along. He’s really hurting.”

When they got close, Alan stopped in front of Victor and said, “Victor, I heard the terrible news about Benjamin. I am so sorry. Please accept my condolences. How long were you together?”

“Thanks. I appreciate that. We were together thirty-three years,” he replied as his eyes began to well up with tears while he stared at the ground.

“Oh, man,” said Alan, “I’m so sorry. I know the pain you’re feeling.”

“No, you can’t know it,” said Victor, still looking down. Victor’s grief and self-pity just didn’t allow him to accept this gesture of empathy from Alan. “You and me, we’re different. You can’t understand what Ben meant to me.”

But Alan did understand; he knew how Victor was suffering and he struggled to reply without offending him or adding to his hurt. “How can you say that, Victor? We both have lost our life partner, our rock, our friend who was with us for decades. And suddenly they’re gone. We just don’t know how fight the loneliness. I’m there, too. I do understand.”

Victor stood there looking at the ground, and then said, “I guess you’re right, Al. Maybe we have more in common than I thought. More than our differences. Thanks. Hearing what you said helps.”

I would wager that at that moment in time, Alan and Victor felt a jolt of self-actualization they had not experienced in a long time. Empathy does that. Learning that someone – especially someone who is superficially different – understands and feels your pain – that knowledge can be a powerful coping agent for both parties. Many entries in this blog point out the crucial and reciprocal role empathy plays in coping with life’s stresses. Alan and Victor discovered that.

Alan and Victor will probably continue to exchange words on future walks, but I bet their words will quickly go beyond casual greetings, and end up helping each of them cope with their grief.

Recently, I saw a woman interviewed on the news. She was asked why, in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic, she did not wear a mask when out in public. She replied, “It’s my body and I can do with it what I want. That’s nobody else’s business.”

I thought, “No, honey, it’s not all about you and your body. It’s about empathy – understanding and caring for others. When you’re out in public and near others, every time you exhale you could be threatening their health.”

Imagine if Alan had reacted as this woman did. “Here comes Victor. Too bad about his partner, but it was two guys living together. No way he is grieving and suffering the way I am.” I imagine their conversation would have been quite different than that described earlier. Sadly, stripped of empathy, both of them would have missed out on a thick slice of humanity.

You want to cope with stress? Travel your road accompanied by empathy. If you lose it, you lose your humanity, and you will be very lonely – and stressed.

Independence is a good thing, right? When you’re independent you can stand on your own two feet, you can make decisions on your own, and you can forge your path with confidence. Best of all, you can do all this without being excessively dependent on someone else, and allowing that person to shield you from the realities of life.

The one thing you have to guard against, however, is loneliness. Working hard to be self-sufficient can make you afraid to depend on someone. You can reach a point of believing that depending on others for any sort of help will make you appear weak and incompetent. So, you avoid asking for – or accepting – help from others, and that can lead to social isolation. In other words, independence can be taken too far.

Kevin is under a lot of stress at work. He’s the chief supervisor of 24 workers who keep one section of an assembly line moving smoothly. Kevin feels he must do everything himself, or he believes he’s shirking his duties and his boss will demote him. There are many parts of Kevin’s job that can be delegated to his assistant, Wayne, or sometimes even to one of the workers directly on the line, but he just can’t do it.

Recently, Kevin began experiencing increasingly bad pain in his knee. What was once a slight, almost unnoticeable limp, developed into a very pronounced limp and an almost total inability to use stairs. Wayne noticed his impairment and often offered to help in one way or another.

Comments like, “Stay there and finish the paperwork, Kevin. I’ll go check the line”; “Kevin, let me give you a hand on the stairs”; “You better get that knee checked, Kevin. I bet you need a replacement,” often came his way, but Kevin always misinterpreted the concerns as showing how much Wayne wanted his job. It never occurred to him that these offers of help were out of genuine concern for his welfare.

Eventually, Kevin became all but incapacitated and unable to do his job efficiently. His boss gave him an ultimatum: “Kevin, get that knee fixed or I’ll have no choice but to let you go.”

Kevin knew he had to have the surgery. He was, however, plunged into anxiety about losing his job to that “back-stabbing assistant of mine. That’s the thanks I get for training him.”

After surgery Kevin was homebound for several weeks. He became increasingly distraught and felt helpless about it all. He started to blame himself, and was beginning to spiral into depression. During this rehab period Wayne visited him often and told him that things were going well at work and everyone was looking forward to his return. Kevin could only say to himself, “Don’t give me that bull s**t, you SOB. You’re hoping I can never walk again so you can be the chief.”

What’s Kevin’s problem? Why does he see only threats coming from Wayne? For that answer, let’s consider the case of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR), 32^nd US President. After beginning what looked to be a great political career, FDR was stricken with polio at the age of 39, and was never again able to walk without leg braces and assistance. Just standing, much less taking steps, was an immense undertaking involving considerable pain and effort, and he spent most of his days in a wheelchair.

In her book, Leadership in Turbulent Times, historian Doris Kearns Goodwin describes how FDR – long before becoming president – underwent a kind of psychological rebirth at a health spa in Warm Springs, Georgia. He found his way there after hearing reports that the waters of the spa had positive effects on paralyzed victims like himself.

FDR came from the “upper crust” of the American socioeconomic ladder, the elite of society. At Warm Springs, however, he interacted with – and became friends with – people he came to call his “fellow polios.” They were not the elite of society, but victims like him. He discovered that his association with them energized his spirits, and taught him the importance of teamwork, friendship, and a sensitivity to how others felt. He learned how to communicate – both listening and speaking – with his fellows as equals, without elitism, condescension, or superiority. In short, FDR discovered humility and empathy, two qualities I often describe as essential to coping with adversity.

Returning to Kevin, his interactions with Wayne were lacking humility and empathy. Kevin was the boss, and he felt that accepting help from Wayne was beneath him and signaled weakness. Kevin avoided facing this reality by convincing himself that Wayne was after his job, and that justified his harsh feelings toward Wayne.

Once Kevin returned to work, still gimpy but improving each day, he continued to harbor suspicions about Wayne. He began to watch Wayne carefully, and criticize him often. Wayne became uneasy at this new and unusual treatment by his boss. As Kevin became more and more critical of Wayne, their relationship became strained, and Wayne eventually left the company for another job.

Kevin once again felt secure. The problem was, he had never resolved his conflicted feelings – and misinterpretations – about Wayne’s behavior. It was only a matter of time before circumstances would arise that would reawaken these conflicts, and Kevin would go through the entire mess again. And, indeed, Kevin’s conflicts were reawakened when a new assistant, Martin, was hired.

Kevin’s interactions with Wayne were fine until circumstances arose that Kevin found threatening. Because humility and empathy were not a part of his relationship with Wayne, the conflict would never be resolved. Without those crucial features of the relationship, Kevin could only hold on to his independence by denying any expressions of dependence on Wayne. The result was loneliness, anger, and anxiety for Kevin as he convinced himself that Wayne was out to get his job.

Independence is good but don’t allow it to interfere with your relations with others who may truly have your welfare in mind. Without humility and empathy, it will be difficult to recognize and reciprocate honorable, genuine intentions of others. Your relationships will be in danger of disintegrating, and you will lose something worthwhile – a sense of belonging.

 

 

Aaron Burr’s place in American history is cemented firmly in two episodes. The first was in the presidential election of 1800 when Burr and Thomas Jefferson tied for number of electoral votes. After 36 ballots in the House of Representatives, Jefferson was finally chosen President, and Burr became the third vice-president of the United States.

The second episode – known to virtually every school child in America – occurred on July 11, 1804 when Burr killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Burr was largely denounced as a murderer, and his political career was over.

Historians, however, also know Burr as a generator of conspiracy theories. After the duel, he headed West – in those days west meant the Ohio territory and the Mississippi River – and rumors began to fly that he was plotting against the United States. One conspiracy theory said he was going to proclaim himself the Emperor of Mexico; another that he was seeking to encourage the western states to secede from the Union; a third theory maintained he wanted to separate New Orleans from the United States and establish a new country.

There was just enough flimsy “evidence” to keep these theories afloat, and they were spread far and wide. Burr was eventually arrested and tried for treason, but acquitted because of weak evidence that he truly was conspiring against the United States.

In the early 1950s, Senator Joseph McCarthy of Wisconsin orchestrated a crusade against communist sympathizers, claiming they had infiltrated all levels of government, and were pervasive throughout the country. In particular he targeted socialists, intellectuals, artists, writers, and gays/lesbians as either communists, or engaged in un-American activities. His dragnet became wider and wider, and even powerful political leaders were swept up as traitors. Eventually, people realized his paranoid conspiracy ideas defied common sense, could not be substantiated with reliable evidence, and amounted to nothing more than a witch hunt. “McCarthyism” was condemned by the Senate.

Fast forward to 2020, and conspiracy theories are plentiful. They have always been around, but in the age of the internet and social media, the soil for planting and spreading them is rich indeed.

Why do people buy into conspiracy theories? This is a relevant question for a blog about coping with stress because the factors that compromise your ability to cope with stress are also those factors that make you vulnerable to indoctrination, propaganda, and conspiracies. Here’s a partial list of some of those factors:

Paranoia. Paranoid personalities are characterized by delusions of persecution, jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance. Paranoia can be a component of a chronic personality disorder, like narcissism. It can also be fostered by drug abuse, or a serious condition such as psychosis, in which the person loses touch with reality. Whatever the cause, if you’re paranoid, it’s easy to accept a theory that others are conspiring against you.

Authoritarian. The authoritarian personality believes in obedience to authority, especially confident and powerful leaders. Authoritarians are concrete and simplistic thinkers; the world is black or white, right or wrong. If something is right for them, it should be right for everyone else. Nuance, dissension, and compromise are not valued by the authoritarian. To solve a problem, you find a leader who claims simple solutions to the problem, and then you follow that person. If your leader claims a conspiracy, you readily accept it.

Need for predictability and control. You enjoy your comfort zone because you feel things are under your control. If that balance is disturbed, you are vulnerable to a conspiracy theory. The notion that the US is controlled by Whites is how many have been raised. If someone says Whites will soon no longer be the majority, and plots are underway to infiltrate the country with immigrants who will destroy your way of life – well, that’s disconcerting and takes you out of your comfort zone. Predictability and control are gone; life is uncertain. You are vulnerable to influence by would-be tyrants as you cry out, “Show me ways to get back to my comfort zone. Show me how to keep America White. Show me the conspirators!”

Psychological Insecurities. What are you afraid of? What are you avoiding? Abandonment? Inferiority? Low self-esteem? Dependency? Incompetence? Are you guided by your own set of standards, morality, humility, and acceptance, or do you relive unresolved emotional conflicts from a troubled childhood? If the former, you’re coping well; if the latter, you’re not, and your hidden insecurities will keep you constantly looking for ways to keep personal conflicts hidden and suppressed. In this case, the comfort of accepting conspiracy theories will give you one way to service those hidden fears.

Need for clarity. Conspiracy theories can bring sense out of a bewildering world. Reality is full of subtleties, and people who are concrete, black/white thinkers need information that is simple and definitive. Whether it’s right or wrong doesn’t matter. Just find others who believe it and you’re on your way. You receive positive reinforcement when a conspiracy theory makes sense, and that reinforcement boosts your self-esteem.

Social isolation. Loneliness will make you vulnerable to conspiracy theories. Find a theory and others who believe it; if you believe it, you become part of their group. For instance, those with PTSD who are depressed or physically disabled, can surf the net and find similar sufferers, kindred spirits who might also subscribe to some conspiracy theory.

Justification for supporting someone or a cause. Suppose you strongly support someone who makes a poor decision that makes things worse. You’re crushed; your leader has failed you. “But wait,” you discover, “my guy didn’t fail. He was victimized by evildoers who conspired against him.” In this case, the conspiracy theory allows you to explain how your guy, through no fault of his own, was made to look bad.

Frequency and Celebrities. When you discover where you can get access to conspiracy theories, you will find that the arguments are made endlessly, again and again and again. In many cases, the arguments are also voiced by a celebrity. The key to keeping followers “in the fold” is constant repetition of the theory, and using well-known people to make the presentation.

Our list is far from complete, but long enough to make an important point about conspiracy theories. Have you noticed the common thread that runs through the above list? Every factor we describe represents a weakness – a flaw, a crack in one’s personality – that damages autonomy, independence, and conscience so much that the individual is willing to suspend rational thinking, and surrender judgment, reasoning, and empowerment to whatever quack happens to be around. That’s a pretty poor way to live

Be vigilant about your vulnerability to conspiracy theories. When you are unable to cope with life’s stressors, you could easily turn to them, even though they’re usually nonsense. But, if your personality dynamics make you susceptible, you will willingly believe the words of charlatans and accept their conspiracy theories as logical and correct. This is a decision completely incompatible with effective coping.

You’re the oldest of generation Z, born between the mid-1990s and early 2010s, and you’re a member of the college graduating class of 2020. You made it! You achieved your goal of earning your college degree. Time to head out into the real world and make your way, right? Except the damn coronavirus had to get in the way of your plans.

You didn’t even get a commencement ceremony. The whole family was going to get together and celebrate with you. Bummer. But you can handle that. After all, a job application will ask if you have a college degree, not if you had a commencement ceremony.

Still, the virus has thrown a lot more curveballs your way than just that ceremony. Maybe you had a summer internship lined up, and felt pretty good it would lead to a job offer. It’s been canceled. If you majored in a field like Nursing, or Physician Assistant, you’re really in trouble. You needed to complete professional rotations over the summer before you could even receive your degree, but hospitals and medical centers have largely canceled positions for those rotations. You’re on hold. The economy is shot, the number of job postings online is in the toilet, and you’re living at home. You’re broke, and not even eligible for unemployment compensation.

You don’t see a lot of options for yourself right now, do you? Rosy statements from the President – “We’re back!” – don’t do it for you, do they? Your self-esteem is ravaged; you’re full of self-criticism and anger; your personality feels robbed, empty, helpless, and worthless; you’re spending too much time in that depressing wasteland called social media, trying to rally others to join your pity parade.

You’re trying to cope with a lot of stress, and you really don’t know to proceed. Well, consider this: Any coping challenge requires several steps:

First, you need to accept what’s going on. That includes the reality of the external circumstances around you – you can try to avoid that reality, but it will still be there in the morning – and the emotions you feel. Those emotions are you; do not be ashamed of them or try to deny them. You must use their energy in positive ways to spur you into action.

Second, you need accountability. Don’t waste your time looking for someone to blame for your predicament. It’s real and finding a scapegoat is not going to make it go away. Resolve to use your strengths – your intelligence, judgment, initiative, and social skills – to devise a plan to get you moving forward again. Be accountable to your strengths.

Third, devise a plan that includes two crucial components that only you can provide: Humility – it’s not always about you – and Empathy – you must be sensitive to the needs of others.

“Well that’s just great,” you’re thinking, “but how am I supposed to do all this fancy-sounding stuff?” Listen to what a couple of your Gen Z cohorts have to say about that. These comments come from a recent (June 1/8, 2020) issue of Time magazine.

Salvador Gomez-Colon is a teenager from Puerto Rico. Remember just a few years back when Puerto Rico was virtually demolished by hurricanes Irma and Maria? Faced with a destroyed electric grid, Salvador came up with a simple goal: For Christmas, illuminate each home in Puerto Rico with solar lightbulbs. Today, faced with the challenges of Coronavirus, Salvador is at it again, and says, “There are countless ways to support each other even as we remain physically separate, whether it’s sewing masks for vulnerable populations or writing thank-you notes to essential workers.”

Then there’s Abigail Harrison. Abby is 23 and came to national attention 10 years ago when she said she wanted to be the first astronaut to walk on Mars. Reflecting on our troubling times she says, “I’ve seen people risk their lives to care for others. And most incredibly, I’ve seen masses of people choose to cast themselves into isolation to protect people they will never know.” Abby sees the glass as half-full, and is one of those people who can squeeze the positive out of the most negative circumstances: “Losing so much control over our lives, combined with the isolation that comes from social distancing, has made the pandemic feel nearly impossible to overcome. Know what else feels nearly impossible? Going to Mars. But I assure you, they’re both possible.”

The key to coping with stress is to get into task-based mode – “I can contribute to this effort.” – and out of emotion-based mode – “This is not fair!” To cope with the challenges of your frustrating and depressing emotions, you must get off your duff and venture forward to help complete tasks. How? Well, what organizations in your area need volunteers? Contact them and offer your services. Or, ask yourself how you and your friends might organize and offer services and materials to people in your community who are suffering more than you. Feel the pain of others, reach out to them, offer your services.

There are also a number of service initiatives at a national level that offer opportunities to volunteer in areas like national parks, retirement homes, Habitat for Humanity, animal rescue, libraries, food pantries, Red Cross, and political campaigns. You may scoff at volunteer activities, but remember – they offer collateral opportunities for networking, expanding your knowledge and problem-solving skills, and discovering new career paths that fit with who you are.

I guarantee that when you get involved in service activities, you will experience satisfaction like you never have before. You will learn how working with others in a common venture will nurture your development of a social conscience. You will learn how to communicate with others – how both to speak and listen. You will discover a two-way street where you receive even as you give. You will enjoy the beauty and grace of other people, and see that there are fulfilling discoveries along a meaningful and enjoyable road of life. And when that first job comes along, you will be prepared to profit from it in ways you didn’t expect.

Trisha is 27-years old, married, no children. Fifteen months ago, she suffered a miscarriage while pregnant for the first time. She was devastated as only women who have had a similar experience can understand. She was in counseling for a couple of months, and eventually joined a support group of women who also experienced miscarriage.

“The problem is,” she says, “I have been in the group for 11 months. The girls are great and give me a lot of support, but whenever I tell my story, like when a new member joins, I break down and cry like it happened yesterday. It’s been over a year and I’m still a mess sometimes. I don’t know why I can’t get over this.”

People usually go into counseling or other types of support programs expecting positive results within a reasonable period of time. The problem is, what is a “reasonable time” is not etched in stone. After more than a year in treatment, should Trisha be able to relate her story without crying? Another question clients often ask is, “What actions mean I’m not coping well with my trauma?” Is Trisha’s crying, for instance, a sign of poor recovery? Should she be able to relate her story calmly and objectively to consider herself on the road to recovery?

Trying to answer these questions “yes” or “no” is difficult because the answers are usually, “It depends.” People come to recovery with different experiences, current circumstances, perceptions, attitudes, expectations, biological sensitivities, and genetics, and any one of those factors can influence recovery time and post-trauma behavior.

Trisha, for instance, may be a histrionic, emotional type who dramatizes events. Note that when she criticizes herself for being too emotional, she is focusing on her emotions as bad things, and not on them as a natural part of who she is. Instead of letting her crying suggest to her that she is a failure and not coping well with her experience, Trisha might say something like this before telling her story: “Please understand that I’m an emotional person and it’s always hard for me to talk about it. I may start crying. But that’s OK, because all of us here understand the pain, and we focus on that understanding, not on how we express our pain.”

“I need to focus on understanding my pain, not on how I express it.” That’s where Trisha should be 15 months after her experience.

When recovering from trauma – or dealing with other types of stress – don’t let self-criticism and self-absorption become part of your coping plan. Rather, accept who you are, be accountable for how you express yourself, and let communication with – and listening to – others guide you in your recovery.

I talked once with a marine who was in his 80s. As he told me he “island hopped” during WWII, he paused at one point to wipe away a tear, then said, “Lost a lot of buddies over there.” More than 50 years after his trauma, he still shed a tear, not because he was unable to cope with the memory, but because the memory was a part of him, and a tear was how he expressed the memory.

Trisha need not be concerned that she still gets emotional over a year after her trauma. Maybe one day she will be able to talk about it without crying, maybe not. That’s really not the coping issue. Of more importance is how Trisha answers questions like: “Does the memory of the event continue to generate emotions that interfere with your day-to-day living?” “Does the memory make you feel guilty, believing the event was your fault?” “Is the event straining your marriage because you are afraid to get pregnant again?”

Perhaps most important is how Trisha would answer a question like this: “Are you so wrapped up in your experience – in your needs and emotions – that you are unable to feel empathy for the others in your group?” Trisha will not resolve her issues without that empathy for others, because that empathy will show her that she is not alone in her struggle. Trisha may cry, but that’s not necessarily a sign that she is coping poorly. If she has reached an empathetic understanding of the pain others in her group are experiencing, she is well on the road to recovery because she can offer help to – and receive help from – the others in her group.