Psychology and Stress

After her third session in counseling, Blayne was about to leave, but turned around and said to her counselor, “How about next week just giving me the low-down on handling stress. No psychological mumble-jumble, just the basics. Give me a list I can post on the fridge.”

“Just happen to have one handy,” the counselor said. “Remember, though, these things work best when they are integrated with your individual circumstances. That’s where I can help.” Here’s the list she handed to Blayne:

Be personally accountable for evaluating your abilities, actions, and thinking. Coping accountability does not mean blame yourself for everything.

Modify your interpretation of stressful events. A threat can be viewed as a challenge.

Exit from the self-pity parade. It’s not all about you.

Work toward a realistic optimism and frame of reference about life. Realism is not found by listening to authoritarians.

Balance your decisions with logic, impartiality, and self-control. Do not let others make decisions for you.

Identify your values and connect your actions to them. Do the right things for the right reasons.

Focus on empathy for others rather than on your problems. Listen to others, not just yourself.

Lower your voice, smile more, and be humble in your interactions with others.

Every day, do something that makes others feel good.

Every day, thank someone who makes you feel good.

At the end of the day, write privately about events troubling you. Doing so can help you restructure your thinking about them.

            In last week’s entry (The Gift of Failure), we noted that parents who enable and indulge their children create adults who are largely helpless to meet coping challenges as adults. These victims of childhood overindulgence must avoid failure at all costs because they are not equipped to handle it; they have never been taught how. In adulthood, some become overbearing, domineering bullies so they can hide their fear of failure. Others, feeling helpless and isolated, turn to cult groups and surrender their free will by pledging allegiance to the group’s beliefs, standards, and values.

Any way you look at it, when parents raise their children to believe that they are special and immune from accountability for their actions, they are indoctrinating their children. At its simplest, indoctrination means teaching a person to accept – uncritically – a set of beliefs. There are no ifs, ands, or buts – what is taught is an absolute, the way things are, and the way things should be. In this case, the child is trained in a type of solipsism by being reminded repeatedly that they can do no wrong; they are the main ingredient in the recipes of life; they are immune from failure; and when failure does occur, it is because of the intervention of some other group – the enemy – that wants to defeat them.

Young people readily accept this “teaching.” It is comfortable for them. There is security in believing, and being able to proclaim, “I am in charge; I am superior; I can only lose if you cheat. You are my enemy and you need to be cast aside as irrelevant.” Notice how indoctrination is based on fear, insecurity, and psychological instability: You must accept this reality or you will be defeated by others who are out to get you and destroy your way of living. And who are these others? Candidates are chosen from a long list: those of a different race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation, political philosophy, religion, etc., etc., etc.

Some parents, however, choose a different childrearing path for their children. Instead of indoctrinating their kids to the parents’ way of thinking – which indoctrinating parents do to strengthen their belief that they are good parents – they choose to educate their children and produce independent thinkers. This is a difficult path for both parents and their children because while it builds healthy levels of self-esteem, it is also full of disappointment, discomfort, frustration, aggravation, and, yes, failure.

Education challenges children to learn about new things. This learning often requires discarding mistaken ideas, developing tolerance when offended, and facing the fact that their perspective is not necessarily superior to other ones. Education requires them to accept the fact that to improve, they must learn more; it requires them to get outside of themselves and be open to new sources of information; education requires them to exercise critical thinking by questioning and researching the validity of things that they read and hear. Education produces discomfort, complexity, and challenges to the belief that, “I am the primary ingredient in the recipe.”

In general, education is a type of productive and effective coping with stress. It requires you to accept real and verifiable facts, to be accountable for your opinions and attitudes, to follow a critical-thinking plan when confronted with a challenge, and to avoid becoming excessively dependent on a dictatorial guru who would convince you that his way is your only way.

In short, indoctrination is an emotion-based platform for dealing with stress; education, on the other hand, is a problem-based platform. Danny, 14 years old, asks his mother, “Did my friend Billy get autism by being vaccinated when he was a baby?” His mom replies, “Absolutely. His mother had him vaccinated when he was 2-years-old. Right after that, he started behaving strange. There’s no doubt why he got autism.” That’s an emotion-based answer. A problem-based answer would be something like, “Doctors and scientists have done a lot of research and shown that vaccines do not cause autism. It can get complicated, but we can go online and find examples that you might understand. For example, does it make sense that thousands of babies receive vaccinations, but only a much smaller number become autistic?”

Emotion (indoctrination) vs. Cognition (education) – which process works best for evaluating reality? Indoctrination declares homosexuality is evil and decadent; education proposes that people do not fall in love with a gender. Indoctrination affirms Christianity is the only religion; education shows that there are many religions that provide pathways to God. Indoctrination categorically states that Blacks are inferior to Whites; education presents data that when provided with equal environmental opportunities, Blacks can match Whites in achievement. Indoctrination preaches the earth is flat; education demonstrates how we know it is round.

How should you raise your children? The same way you should approach stress: Not by being indoctrinated into rigid and strict attitudes and actions; not by denial, distortion of facts, projection of your fears onto others, hypocrisy, prejudice, and other emotion-based strategies. The fact is, you will be a stronger person psychologically and emotionally when you acquire understanding of perspectives and people who differ from you; when practice empathy and humility; when you put self-preoccupation aside for honest and respectful communication with others; when you experience the essence of education.

Well-meaning parents often structure their child’s activities to ensure that the child experiences huge doses of success. Whatever the activity, from playing a musical instrument to participating in athletics, some parents dedicate themselves to guaranteeing that their children succeed most of the time. Failure is to be avoided at all costs because it will, in their eyes, damage the child’s self-esteem. When the inevitable failure experience occurs, they shelter their child, enabling the child to develop patterns of avoiding responsibility and hardship by blaming adversity on others. Over the long term, when this child matures and is confronted with failure, being raised under this parental style dooms them to inevitable frustration, rationalization, blaming others, and low self-esteem.

Fred’s son, Carson, a first-year college student, was caught stealing in the cafeteria. Carson was suspended for a semester, but he appealed, and he and his dad met one afternoon with a Dean. Fred said, “I think you made a mistake; Carson would never steal.” The Dean proceeded to show them a surveillance tape that left no doubt; Carson clearly pilfered a sandwich and walked off without paying. Fred said, “Come on, he was obviously hungry, in a rush to get to class, and intended to pay for the sandwich later. Right Carson?” “Absolutely, dad,” Carson obediently responded. They lost the appeal. The real tragedy here, however, is that kids like Carson never get a chance to learn from their failures. They are protected so much they don’t have to face the reality of failure, be accountable for their actions, and work to correct the faulty actions that led to the failure.

Some parents not only hover over their kids and swoop in to protect them from failure, but also teach them extreme thinking patterns so they can blame failures on others. Extreme thinking – things are either right or wrong, or it’s always us vs. them – is a form of protection from failure because you can always displace the failure on the other guy. When parents raise their kids to think in these extreme ways, as adults their children will fear that others will ridicule, reject, or criticize them – or, at worst, prove to be superior in ability. This fear will make it easier to reject “the others, them,” and blame them for personal shortcomings. “I am always right; it’s always about me.”

If you fall into this trap, such self-absorption is psychologically damaging to you because you do not accept reality, or take responsibility; you have no sensitivity or empathy for others, and no social conscience; you will be unable to deal with fear and anxiety about who you are; you will try to avoid social interactions with others, including parties, giving presentations at work, or speaking up in meetings; you will sacrifice flexibility, openness, and productivity, essential elements of effective coping.

In short, parents who enable and indulge their children create adults who are largely helpless to meet coping challenges in any effective way. These victims of childhood overindulgence must avoid failure at all costs because they are not equipped to handle it; they have never been taught how. Some of them become overbearing, domineering bullies so they can hide their fear of failure. Others, feeling helpless and isolated, turn to cult groups and surrender their free will by pledging allegiance to the group’s beliefs, standards, and values.

Any way you look at it, when parents raise their children to believe that they are special and immune from accountability for their actions, they are not preparing them to cope effectively with the realities and challenges of life.

Last week we introduced a discussion of self-criticism, and how it can undermine effective coping with your life stressors. We asked you to imagine being at a dinner party and accidentally spilling wine on your host’s table cloth. A simple accident, right? Or, are you one of those people who likes to speculate on possible unconscious motives behind what appears to be a chance mishap. For instance, as you dwell on the spill later, are you likely to consider the possibility that deep down you really dislike your host, and the “accident” was really intentional, although unconscious? That is, your unconscious anger toward the host caused you to reach for your glass carelessly, increasing the likelihood of knocking over the glass.

Here’s a word of caution: If you get into a habit of analyzing your actions as expressions of your unconscious mind – “The reasons for what I do are not what they seem to be” – you’re entering a world of speculation and uncertainty, and definitely not learning how to cope in a healthy way with life challenges facing you. Speculation about unconscious motives can be fun, but it does not help you solve a stressful problem. It is purely hypothetical, leads to one blind alley after another, and robs you of control of your thinking. As such, this speculation can be seen as a form of denial that helps you absolve yourself of responsibility for your actions. And, as readers of this blog know, such absolution may be comforting in the short run, but over the long run it will increase your stress level.

All of us need a kick in the pants now and then, especially when we’re not working up to our full potential. At these times, both criticism from others and from ourselves can be helpful in motivating us to quit coasting and get ourselves in gear. But like anything else, we can overdo being hard on ourselves. Self-criticism can be especially troubling because it can begin with a trifling matter, but escalate into a regular pattern of thinking. For instance, do you often make a mountain out of a molehill? You went to the store and one of the items on your list was peanut butter. When you got home, you discovered that instead of smooth, you bought crunchy. Granted, your spouse and kids refuse to eat crunchy, but should you beat yourself up over this mistake? Of course not. Hit the pause button, step back, and let some critical thinking enter the picture. No one is going to starve; call your wife at work so she can stop by the store on the way home if she really craves some peanut butter.

As therapist Michael Church points out, self-criticism can also enter the picture if you treat others’ mistakes differently from your own. When you see others slip up, do you show empathy and understanding, recognizing that their mistake does not reveal a character flaw? When you make a similar mistake, however, do you criticize yourself and blame your imperfect personality? “I’m a dummy…so careless. What’s the matter with me? Why am I such a klutz?” If you’re willing to forgive others when they make a mistake, why not yourself? The fact is, self-forgiveness can be a great way to cope with stress.

Imagine you’re at a dinner party and you accidentally spill some wine on your host’s beautiful table cloth. A simple accident, right? Or, are you like some people who would be so horrified that they shower themselves with self-recriminations and can’t wait to leave the party? Sometimes it pays to remember that accidents do happen, and self-forgiveness is more appropriate. After all, you didn’t spill the wine intentionally because you dislike the host. [See next week’s post for a discussion of this type of interpretation.]

When it comes to self-forgiveness, it’s unfortunate that psychology – and society, for that matter – generally focuses more on the importance of forgiving others, not yourself. When it comes to resisting the temptation to continually criticize yourself, however, self-forgiveness becomes important because it is a form of self-acceptance. At the dinner party, accept the accident and offer to pay for cleaning. Self-forgiveness will help you avoid inappropriate emotions like guilt, regret, shame, and threats to your self-esteem. Without such forgiveness, you are at risk for concluding it is not the behavior that is wrong or bad, it is you. If you reach this conclusion, it becomes easier for you to decide that you do not deserve happiness and need to be punished. This attitude can lead you away from a willingness to live with vigor, autonomy, and a willingness to face challenges; and lead you toward ambivalence about your competence, neglect of your needs, and low self-respect that can sabotage a productive life.

So, when it comes to self-evaluation when you screw it up, remember: Don’t blow things out of proportion; don’t be quick to assign character flaws to yourself; forgive yourself.

            “It’s all about me.” “People should treat me with kindness because I have suffered trauma in the past.” “I know more than most people.” “My group’s position is the correct one.” These statements are examples of selfishness, conceit, vanity, arrogance, self-preoccupation, self-absorption, and narcissism. Such attitudes and characteristics are profoundly incompatible with effective coping. Why? First, they are unrealistic, and based on denial of one’s own weaknesses and others’ strengths. Second, many will reject narcissists and force them to operate only in their personal comfort zone surrounded by their like-thinking “tribe.” Third, those who are self-absorbed do not see the need to develop strengths that make them flexible in a variety of situations. Fourth, arrogance hinders personal growth that comes from honest self-evaluation.

            When you present yourself as the primary ingredient in the recipe, you show yourself as a robot, a non-human. You know you are susceptible to weaknesses and mistakes, but you are unable to be realistically self-aware, and you must constantly try to cover up your shortcomings and your insecurities. In the long run you come across as hypocritical, feckless, untrustworthy, and incompetent. You cannot accept who you are, or refrain from presenting yourself to others as someone superior. Self-absorption is the only way you can avoid facing the truth about yourself, the truth that plunges you into anxiety. You live in a world of denial and deception.

            The following are comments from clients participating in group therapy. Note how they transition away from arrogance and self-importance:

“Telling my story to others, and listening to their stories, helped me organize the basic facts, the reality of the event. I felt less alone.”

            “I discovered it was OK to be nervous; OK to feel ashamed like I was the Lone Ranger, alone in my turmoil.”

            “I found it was OK to laugh, and talk, and share. There was a lot of that in my group.”

            “We shared our secrets, our darkest days. I felt a sense of belonging because there was a bond of trust, privacy, an unspoken understanding that our secrets would never leave the group. It gave me a sense of identity beyond myself, and the security that feeling brought me was unreal.”

            “New people would show up. It was hard for me to listen to them because I was reliving my own experience. But the long-term effect was acceptance and a feeling of personal strength.”

            “I knew I was reaching an inner peace and strength when it occurred to me that I had become as much a helper in my group as one who needed help. When I shared my story with newcomers, I could see it in their faces. There is life afterwards; it goes on.”

            “I discovered sympathy and empathy…I mean to the point that I realized it was not all about me. We asked the same questions, faced the same demons, and found lifelines. Since joining my group, I have felt more human than ever before in my life.”

            These comments show that the speakers have moved away from self-preoccupation and self-absorption, and toward empathy for others. We usually think of empathy in terms of helping others, but it’s more. If you have been previously victimized or are presently dealing with emotional upheaval in similar ways as another, who can understand their plight more than you? The true human beauty of empathy, however, is that both the giver (you) and the taker (the other) reap the psychological benefits. There is no more effective therapy than empathetic service to others. Whatever your plight, you are not alone in your difficulties. The best way to facilitate your ability to cope is to make sure that, as you travel the road to finding personal satisfaction, you leave no one behind – including yourself.

A colleague shared a story with me, and it is one of the best expressions of empathy I have ever read. She asked a Vietnam veteran how he continued to cope with the personal losses he suffered during the war. He replied: “I celebrate their memories by fulfilling their bucket lists. I do what I can to continue their lives. I give hope for those who are lacking it. I don’t attend pity parties. I read to those who lost sight because even though I lost things, I still can see. I get groceries for those who lost limbs. I do what good I can because there was a reason I was spared.”   

People hear what we say with their brains, but they listen to us with their hearts. When you are able to reach your listeners’ hearts, you are communicating with empathetic messages. And you know what will happen next? You will discover that your personal coping efforts will be greatly enhanced because you will realize you’re communicating with your own heart. That self-discovery will bring you independence and empowerment with empathy. Your independence will be without isolation and loneliness; your empowerment will be without self-absorption.

A focus on your ego and self-importance is incompatible with effective coping. You will be trapped in a vise of your own insecurities. You will be susceptible to the controlling influence of others, and robbed of your autonomy. Only by selflessly helping others in need can you free yourself from that vise, and live a much more enjoyable and satisfying life.

Are you passionate about your life? By that I don’t mean you love every aspect of your life, jump from one enjoyable aspect to another, and see yourself as somewhat superior to others who seem to wrestle regularly with stress. No, passionate means you value your life; you believe it is important to be an active participant in life; and you have a realistic and humble confidence in being able to meet the challenges you face.

Being passionate encourages you to engage yourself in both the good and the bad aspects of living: You try to connect with your stress, not avoid it, even when faced with difficult challenges; you believe that effort and action are more important than ambivalence; you do your best to plan how to meet challenges, and following failure, you modify your plans rather than withdraw; you seek achievement, not stagnation. These are the components of passionate coping – Connecting, Effort, Planning, and Achieving – and they are effective coping strategies.

Tennis star Billie Jean King once said: “No matter how tough, no matter what kind of outside pressure, no matter how many bad breaks along the way, I must keep my sights on the final goal, to win, win, win, and with more love and passion than the world has ever witnessed in any performance.”

When it comes to coping with everyday stress, the only change I would make to King’s statement is to substitute “try” for “win”: “No matter how tough, no matter what kind of outside pressure, no matter how many bad breaks along the way, I must keep my sights on the final goal, to try, try, try, and with more love and passion than the world has ever witnessed in any performance.” Remember, successful coping is not about winning; it’s about effort that brings you satisfaction and fulfillment, knowing that you have done the best you can.

Coping with stress is like walking across a room while carrying a cup of coffee. There are several parts in that process that make the trip across the room successful. The same is true for coping. 

You must be Aware of your situation. While carrying the cup, your pace will matter; any obstacles on the floor will influence how you proceed; a new obstacle may suddenly appear, so you have to be ready for the unexpected; finally, how you set the cup down will determine the success of the trip. 

You may have to Make Adjustments as you proceed. If the liquid tips to one side of the cup, there’s a risk some may spill out. In this case, you will have to adjust your wrist and level the cup to prevent the spillage. You might have to do this balancing act several times over the course of the trip, or even have to stop to let the liquid settle back into place before you take your next step. 

When you get across the room and finally set down the cup, it’s important to evaluate how you did. Reflect on the trip, and decide if there is anything that needs to be “cleaned up.”  If so, it’s best to address it right then. 

Coping is really one big balancing act in your life. Living is represented by carrying the cup or glass across the room; the contents of your life are constantly changing, requiring adjustments on your part. Coping is dealing with those changes – finding the actions that work best for you.

What follows are some of the techniques I use with clients to help them relax and deal better with troublesome situations, especially those that arouse anxiety. Whenever you face one of those situations, first you might want to picture yourself carrying a cup of coffee across a room. Doing so can help you focus on a task at hand, and not on the emotion you are feeling.

One of the most fundamental problems with anxiety and stress is projecting into the future: “I’m going to be so tense next week when I take that driving test, I’ll probably fail.” Have you been guilty of “future thinking”? How does it make you feel? Does such anticipation stir up your emotions and raise your inner tension? Is this how you want to spend the next few days, mired in some sort of dread condition? 

Why not focus your thinking on the present? Doing so will reduce inner tension and help you take charge of your current reality. How about living in the present moment to prepare yourself for the future? The techniques below have been shown to be quite effective in helping this process by helping you relax and block out distracting thoughts. Just remember, you may relate better to some methods better than others. That’s OK.

Deep Breathing. When you’re anxious one of the first things to get your normal breathing rate back. First, empty your lungs – “blow out the birthday candles,” so to speak. Exhale all the air you can. Then take a deep breath in through your nose for about 5 seconds. Repeat 5 to 10 times but don’t focus on the number.

Next, try to gain a rhythm, such as 3 seconds in through the nose and 3 seconds out through the mouth. No need to focus on timing things; just make each phase last a moderate time. With practice several times each day, you will become quite proficient at loosening yourself up in a stressful situation. Deep breathing should accompany all of the remaining relaxation methods.

Using Your Senses. The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 progression uses your five senses to orient your thinking to the present. First, picture five things you can see around you and describe each using an adjective or two. Ideally find objects that give you a relaxed feeling. For instance: “I see a black chair; I see a table that has a computer monitor on it; the table is on a blue rug; I see a window and bright sunshine outside; near the window is a tree full of green leaves.”

Next, describe four things you can touch, again using an adjective or two. “A part of my chair has a metal frame that is cool to the touch.” Next, describe three things you can hear – “There is a soft hum of the air conditioner.” Then describe two things you can smell – it’s OK to lean over and smell the flowers on the desk. Finally, describe one thing you can taste – take a swig of your water or coffee.  You can do these in any order but typically it works best if you follow this order of the senses as it hard to engage a number of things for each sense. For example. it’s hard to smell 5 things at once.

Serial 7’s. Say the sentence, “I will be a more positive person,” seven times. Then go back and say each word of the sentence seven times: “I, I, I, I, I, I, I, will, will, will, will, will, will, will,” etc. Then go back and say the entire sentence seven more times. You should pace yourself and follow this procedure about one word per second, fast enough so other thoughts can’t come through and distract you. This is a good technique to get your mind off whatever started making you anxious. Once again, combine this method with your breathing exercise. Also, don’t worry about the exact count. The point here is to distract you, redirect your thinking, not make sure you can count to seven!

Detailed Focusing.This distraction technique involves focusing on one thing in great detail. When you start to feel anxious, this technique involves focusing on one thing and imagining every possible detail. Then take each detail, name it, and focus on various characteristics. If you picture a car, for instance, how many details about a car can you name? There’s the engine, door handles, hood, trunk, steering wheel, etc. Any of these parts can also be broken down into parts. This sort of mental effort can go a long way toward getting your mind off of the topic that was making you anxious, and reduce much of your inner tension. If you still feel anxious after you try this once, move on to another object and continue to count the details. As always, pair this process with your breathing exercise.

Personal Activities. There are many things that you find personally satisfying and relaxing. It could be an object, a mental image, an activity – just about anything. It is these small things that can have the most effect in helping you cope with stress and anxiety. Perhaps a music playlist of your favorite songs; going for a short walk; playing with the family pet; stretching to increase your blood flow and oxygen flow. Identify those things and, if possible, activate one of them when you feel stressed. At the very least, think about how you will use one of those things later when appropriate.

To give yourself some reassurance, write on index cards those personal things that bring you tranquility and serenity. Keep the cards handy so you know you will have a quick and easy way to reduce any stress that may be coming, and readily have activities you can do that work to calm you and bring you some peace of mind.

Daily Review. Finally, it’s useful to “check in” – not obsess about! – with yourself throughout the day.  What have you been thinking about? Have your thoughts been realistic, rational, and positive? Have you been excessively focusing on some problem that may not be real, or may not be under your control? The check-in process allows you to evaluate your mental status during a typical day; failing to do so can get you into all sorts of problems and before you know it, you have thought yourself into emotional turmoil. Then, it’s time for deep breathing!

When it comes to raising their two children, Ray and Kathy are in total agreement about one thing: their son, Roy, and daughter, Roxie, will be reared to value and adopt the traditional roles assigned to men and women since biblical days. That is, Roy will be taught that men are tough, unemotional, competitive, assertive, authoritarian, and dominant; Roxie will be expected to be sensitive, domestic, passive, pleasing, submissive, and supportive. Their parents’ approach to childrearing is simple: differences in sex roles are clear, obvious, and desirable, and their value must be conveyed to their children to avoid confusion, identity crises, and psychological instability. When it comes to teaching their children, for Ray and Kathy the world is black or white, this or that, the right way or the wrong way; there is no gray, middle ground.

Unfortunately for the children, Roy and Roxie, the world is not black or white, this or that; and, what is the right vs. wrong way to behave – such as, be assertive or be submissive – usually depends on the situation. In other words, in the real world, healthy adjustment to and coping with the demands of everyday life require flexibility and adjustment.

As adults, both Roy and Roxie will find their behavior restricted and inhibited in many situations. What is Roy to do in a situation that demands sensitivity, empathy, and humility? He has been indoctrinated to believe that displaying such actions would make him less of a man. Roy is destined to feel insecure when he realizes his range of actions is severely limited, and he will fall victim to self-anger and self-criticism. To avoid the anxiety of his insecurities, Roy will be forced to deny reality and lash out against competent men who can be comfortably sensitive when a situation requires them to act that way. Such men will remind Roy of his inadequacies. Thus, he will restrict himself to his tribe, his comfort group, and join them in aggression against “the others,” all in an effort to mask his insecurities.

Roxie will find herself in the same dilemma when she is in a situation that requires her to be assertive and forceful. She is unable to do that and maintain her limited self-concept that requires her to be one thing: submissive. She will join Roy in following the emotional path of self-recrimination and insecurities, and stay within her comfort group to be able to avoid and deny those self-doubts.

In 2022, we are seeing in real time millions of Rays and Kathys, who demand that their kids be indoctrinated, not educated. Books must be banned; the school curriculum must be stripped of any material that makes their kids uncomfortable; other kids must be screened carefully to make sure they conform to the Roy and Roxie cookie-cutter template. We are creating a generation of confused and frightened kids who – when confronted as adults with the nuances of life – will not know how to react appropriately. When such insecurity comingles with fear, the result is usually destructive aggression, aimed at both others and self.

There’s an irony and sadness about Roy’s and Roxie’s emotional future. Simply put, if they could overcome their parent’s restrictive childrearing indoctrination, if they could be comfortable with exhibiting a broad range of actions and emotions depending on the situation in which they find themselves – well, this flexibility would make Roy more of a man, and Roxie more of a woman. That is a valuable lesson for coping with everyday stressors.

Do you get all nervous because you’re meeting someone new and want to impress them? Do you think they will see that you’re a little “shook up,” and that will make you look less competent?

The truth is, many studies confirm that when others see you as being anxious, their evaluation of you is likely to be more positive. Think about it. Your own anxiety in a situation can signal that you’re a human being – vulnerable, sensitive, and modest. Most people find those traits desirable in others because it’s how they see themselves. I remember many occasions when a student would visit my office for the first time with a question or problem, and the poor kid was nervous as a dog in a room full of veterinarians. I always took their discomfort as a sign that they had a significant problem, they really cared about it, and they needed help solving it. Those impressions always aroused a fair amount of empathy on my part.

What about making mistakes? Are you one of those who gets all anxious and bent out of shape when you slip-up in front of others? You’re in an important meeting and you knock your water bottle over and get some papers wet. “Oh my God,” you think, “they’re going to think I’m an incompetent boob.” Maybe not. Many of those present will probably feel some sympathy for you; others might like you, thinking “he’s a regular guy who makes mistakes just like I do”; still others might offer to help – “Let me get you a new set of papers.” The best way to cope with public errors is to acknowledge it (“Can’t believe I did that. Sorry, folks.”); be humorously humble about it (“I shouldn’t have put that bottle there. You can see why my family doesn’t like to let me out in public too often.”); ask for help (“Anyone have a napkin?”); and move on.

Here’s the thing. You’re human, not perfect. Be rational and reasonable about your self-expectations; you’re going to swing and miss at times. If someone wants to get down on you for that, make it their problem, not yours.