Psychology and Stress

A great stressor is being accused of lying when we know we are telling the truth. Whether we are coping with gossip at work, suspicious friends, or dealing with serious issues like criminal accusations, few things get the stress juices flowing more vigorously than someone saying, “I think you’re lying.” In certain serious conditions, we may even be told we should take a polygraph, or “lie detector” test. Media sources say Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wants Pentagon officials to take a  required polygraph test—aka lie detector—to determine if the person leaks information to the press and others. Is this a good strategy? Does the polygraph actually work and detect when someone is lying? The short answer is, “No.” Polygraphs measure physiological changes in such things as respiration, blood pressure, and skin moisture, and it is assumed that these changes in arousal level indicate a person is lying. However, all a polygraph shows are changes in arousal level; whether these changes are indicative of lying is questionable. Studies that investigate the accuracy of the procedure generally show a high error rate (as much as 40%).

The whole concept of the polygraph presents problems. Imagine being hooked up to the machine by an employer and hearing the question, “Have you been stealing from the company?” You may be innocent, but do you think the stressful question might produce a measurable increase in your arousal state when you say, ”No”? If it does, we would have a false positive result—the machine identifies you as a liar. And then, there are your sociopathic types. They can be hooked up to the polygraph and tell you they were born on the planet Neptune and show absolutely no changes in arousal (meaning they must be telling the truth). In this case we have a false negative—the liar is labeled innocent. Either way, we have a problem with the validity of this procedure.

Imagine a company that manufactures nails, and has 500 workers. The owner knows employee theft is occurring, so he hires a polygraph operator to test all 500. The operator tells the owner that his machine is 90% accurate and says, “I won’t get them all, but I’ll identify most of them for you.” Let’s assume that 50 workers are stealing some nails, 450 are not (neither the owner nor operator knows this, of course). When testing the 50 thieves, the 90% machine will correctly identify 45 workers as thieves, and incorrectly label 5 as honest (false negative). When testing the 450 honest employees, 405 will be correctly identified as honest, the other 45 incorrectly identified as thieves (false positive). Note that 90 workers are identified as thieves, and they will be fired. Unfortunately, only 45 of the 90 really are thieves, which means that half the workers who were fired should not have been. The 90% accurate machine gave an accuracy payoff of only 50%!

It’s not a good idea to base important decisions (such as firing an employee) solely on polygraph results. There are too many factors that influence how someone scores, and most of those factors would have nothing to do with the issue at hand. At best, polygraph results should       be used in combination with other information gathered about an individual—such as comments to other workers, attendance record, quality of work, lifestyle, and general indicators of company loyalty. Aldrich Ames was a CIA analyst who passed along secret information to the Soviets from 1985 until he was caught in 1993. He passed polygraph testing, with minor inconsistencies being largely ignored. The CIA knew they had a mole, and what led them to Ames was his lifestyle that was inconsistent with his $60K salary: He had his teeth capped; he wore expensive clothes; he paid cash for a $540K home; he bought a $50K Jaguar; the minimum monthly payment on his premium credit cards were more than his monthly salary. It was his financial world that brought him down, not his polygraph results.

Efforts at getting into someone’s private truth-telling will continue, of course, and how successful these efforts will be remains to be seen. A recent development is “brain fingerprinting,” and involves the assumption that only the guilty brain will react to details about the criminal action. As a suspect you might be asked, “Where was the murder weapon found? In a dog house or in a tree house?” Your brain waves might stay stable at the mention of the doghouse, but show irregularities at the mention of the tree house. Uh, oh. The weapon was found in the tree house. You’re screwed even though you’re innocent of the crime. But even here, all is not perfect. How can your interrogators know “tree house” triggered emotion in your brain because it was in a tree house where you first “got lucky” on a romantic night?

What are parents to do when their values collide with their adolescent’s values? In this case, many psychologists say it is more effective to act like advisors and teachers, rather than rulers or dictators. This strategy, however, is easier said than done, especially in the heat of battle with teenagers. But it is worth trying. Am I saying we should be more tolerant of adolescents and more willing to give in when our values conflict with theirs? Absolutely not! We have a responsibility as parents to assert ourselves and let our children know our values regarding such things as education, abortion, sex, and drug use. All I’m saying is that forcing our values down their throats simply will not work. “You will not take the car out after 10 PM!” That’s one thing. “You will not be intimate with anyone!” Well, that’s quite another thing. Being dictatorial in that latter case is probably not going to be very effective. Parents can remove the car keys, but they cannot remove raging hormones!

Consider the case of an adolescent who was failing in school; he neither cared nor tried very hard. His parents were very frustrated with his poor performances in school and tried unsuccessfully to get him to work harder and raise his grades. They did not confront him with the consequences of his choices he was making. Failing to confront him was unfortunate because his grades were his responsibility, not theirs. He would have to live with his grades and the difficulty of getting a good job without a decent academic background, not them. But the parents could not see these basic truths. The parents dealt with this situation by forcing him to sit at the kitchen table a minimum of two hours a night to do his homework. When asked in private what he did during these two-hour sessions he said, “I turned a page now and then to make it look like I was reading and studying.” Not surprisingly, the parents’ method was ineffective in improving his academic standing!           

Here we have a case where differing values are in conflict. The parents believe in the value of learning, doing well in school, and early preparation for a fruitful career. They were trying to instill a value lesson, but with ineffective methods. Would a better approach for the parents be to back off and let the son deal with both the short- and long-term consequences of his decision to not value his education? Certainly, he needed to be confronted with the consequences of his poor academic record. Moreover, he needed to be reminded that school is his job, and his parents have theirs. People who are not responsible in their “jobs,” (and that term includes school) do not deserve privileges. Therefore, until he is responsible with his schoolwork, he does not deserve privileges like staying overnight with friends, extra money to go to the movies, help him financially to buy a car, etc. In other words, we all must learn the difference between rights and privileges. We will not take away our kids’ rights, but they need to know their privileges are fair game. Privileges, like respect, must be earned.

            When people seek psychotherapy/counseling, most put the causes of their behavior into one of three categories: Global or Specific, Internal or External, and Permanent or Temporary. Most troubled people lean toward global—“I am dysfunctional in everything I do”; Internal—“It is my faults and limitations that cause my psychological difficulties”; and Permanent—“My dysfunctions are here to stay.” Therapy involves helping clients move away from one or more of these three beliefs; clients must see their problems as specific to identifiable situations, external and not due to some inherent deficiency, and temporary in nature.These orientations can motivate them to stay in therapy and attack their problems more effectively.

            When you begin psychotherapy, you must understand that it is highly prone to an expectancy (placebo) effect. That is, once you have decided to take the plunge into therapy (or even to take medication), you will look to justify your efforts by finding areas of improvement. You do not want to see yourself as wasting time, effort, and money; you want to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing. These tendencies can make you feel you are improving more than you actually are! In fact, research shows that early in therapy, clients’ subjective evaluations of their improvement is greater than improvement measured by objective tests. But that’s OK! As old NY Mets fans used to say, “Ya gotta believe!” It’s the same with therapy. Always look for that half-full, not half-empty, glass.

            But there is a cautionary point to be made here. If you are in therapy, you will always attribute improvement to the type of treatment you are receiving. If you are being medicated, then you will attribute feeling better to the medication; if you are in counseling, you will attribute any improvement to what the therapist is doing. Well, that’s fine, but notice that these attributions are external. It is important for you to know that you must work to get better. Neither medications you are taking nor talking to a therapist will work like magic. Only your effort and hard work will produce results. You must make sure you attribute your progress in therapy internally, that is to efforts you make. It is not the therapist or medications that determine positive change; it is your motivation and effort that determine progress.

I went online, opened ChatGPT, and posed a question: “Are you effective as a therapist?” In seconds I received this reply: “I’m not a licensed therapist, so I can’t replace the work of a trained mental health professional. That said, I can be a helpful supplement for: talking things through when you’re feeling overwhelmed; exploring your thoughts or emotions with guided questions; offering cognitive or behavioral strategies (like CBT tools); recommending resources like books, apps, or hotlines. But I don’t have the ability to pick up on nonverbal cues, respond to crises in real time, or provide a clinical diagnosis or treatment plan. If you’re dealing with something serious—like depression, trauma, anxiety, or relationship issues—it’s best to connect with a human therapist.”

If you are presently a client in psychological counseling, do you think your therapist could be replaced by AI on ChatGpt? Many people seem to think so, especially in the middle of the night. Jennifer Torres, writing in Florida Today (8/18/2025), says, “AI-powered chatbots are rapidly emerging as one of the fastest-growing tools for mental health support in the U.S., offering round-the-clock conversation and coping skills.”

Imagine tossing around in bed at 2AM with a throbbing toothache and moaning, “Why don’t dentists offer service in the middle of the night?” Now substitute panic attack for toothache and therapist for dentist. AI is telling you, “I’m always here and I can at least get you through the night.” When you keep the platform within the boundary conditions it specifies for you—” I don’t have the ability to pick up on nonverbal cues [or] respond to crises in real time…[but I can listen] when you’re feeling overwhelmed,”—it’s not surprisingto learn that their use is growing. Put another way, AI is not intended—yet—to replace human therapists, but supplement them. And that’s important to remember because research has shown that the personality and behavioral style of the therapist can be crucial for therapy success. Specifically,

three therapist characteristics are highly related to positive outcomes in therapy: Warmth, Genuineness, and Empathy. Clients respond best to therapists who show these qualities.

The therapeutic relationship is like no other. Many clients admit they continue to see their therapist because they have no other person in their life with whom they can feel comfortable and trusting enough to be open about their problems. Some clients see their therapist once a month for a long period of time, until they develop the kind of relationship with one or more constructive confidants who can substitute for the therapeutic one. Maybe someday that substitute will be AI. 

I once served as a guest commentator on a radio call-in show. It was early December, and the topic was holiday unhappiness and the special stresses the holiday season can bring. A woman called in complaining about how she was so unhappy because her husband had died 10 months ago, and this would be her first Christmas without him in many years. We went through the usual questions covering hobbies, friends, outside interests—anything this woman could do to re-invigorate and re-energize herself. But no matter what was mentioned, she always had the same reply, something along the lines of, “No, I don’t do that,” or, “No, I don’t like that.” Finally, I said, “Why don’t you call the local people-without-partners group, or a similar support for folks who have lost loved ones? Why don’t you go visit a nursing home and give some comfort to other folks who are hurting? Get outside of yourself and your problems and do something.” No way. She said she had bad legs and it was hard for her to get out of the house. She was absolutely unwilling to engage in any specific behaviors that would get her out of the house and “out of herself,” so to speak. The holidays were not making this woman miserable; her unwillingness to engage in behaviors to confront the holidays in a productive way made her miserable. When someone is trying to deal with stress, it’s hard for them to do so when they are unable to recognize and focus on the true problem responsible for their stress. How did this episode end? The host looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and said, “Thanks for calling. I see we have another caller,” and we moved on.

Are you an adolescent teen? Are you stuck with loneliness, mood swings, sleep disturbances, anxiety, poor school performance, low confidence and self-esteem, vulnerability to stress, peer conflict, and family disruptions? Have you been captured in the phony, manipulative worlds of Kik, TikTok, Discord, Snapchat, and Reddit? In your mind, is your world a pretty negative place, frustrating your search for independence and control? If so, it’s not surprising; after all, our 21^st century world presents a huge and varied frontal attack that brings coping challenges from multiple directions. Family disruptions are of particular importance because psychologists know that a solid, stable relationship with parents is the first line of defense for you to navigate the confusing biological, cognitive, and emotional swings that go along with adolescence.

So, where do you find help for your mental well-being? Do you fix your eyes on that glowing screen as you dig into the internet looking for something, anything, that will give your life meaning? That screen is entertaining and informative, but it’s also full of fake stuff, especially the stuff that talks about your mind. Nor is the answer to your problems found in all those “wellness” exercises that are plentiful on various media formats. While things like deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and visualization techniques are helpful in the moment, they do not get to the root of mental coping issues. Also, many media sources encourage you to focus on self-centered, egotistical traits like physical beauty and perfection as providing the pathway to well-being and happiness. Forget it; they’re all a dead-end streets.

The fact is, help for mental and psychological well-being is found in actions that solve problems. One of the best actions is communication with others, but not the fake interactions with some unknown stranger online who is probably looking to groom you for self-sabotaging actions. No. We mean respectful, caring, face-to-face communication with trusted others—especially adults—who can instill you with the confidence needed to evaluate your issues. What follows from that kind of communication is Empathy. There is nothing more uplifting than realizing that others have the same problems and need understanding, too. The development of empathy is essential to healthy coping with stress.

What follows from empathy is Service to Others, which has enormous healing properties. Few scenes are more tragic than a lonely, confused, dejected person of any age locked onto their computer screen desperately seeking happiness and validity for being, but finding instead “advice” that leads them farther into a black hole of despondency, misery, and hopelessness. Service to others allows you to break from this technological spell of deprivation, get “outside” of yourself, and act to help others in need. What follows from service to others is a discovery of your values. Effective coping cannot continue without a set of values to guide your actions; values give purpose and meaning to your actions. What follows from values is contentment, satisfaction, self-discovery, and happiness at your place in life. Happiness cannot be sought; it materializes from values-laden actions.

It all begins with actions. A basic tenet of psychology is that when you see yourself engaging in an activity, you incorporate that activity, and its accompanying values, into your self-concept. When you serve others with purpose, meaning, and contentment, you will endow your self-concept with purpose, meaning, and contentment, and arm yourself to cope successfully with the stressors and challenges that face you. Keep that fundamental principle in mind next time you struggle with yourself.

Stress is a part of life. Unfortunately, most people try hard to avoid it, which is too bad because avoidance will only strengthen your stress, and it will eventually overwhelm you. How many times have you watched a sporting event where a large lead for one team slowly gets smaller? The announcer says, “The game is slipping away because they’re no longer playing to win; they’re playing not to lose.” The same is true with raising kids, a job, your marriage, your friendships—no matter what the circumstance, when you try to avoid the negative emotions that can come along, you will lose. Whether your stress creates anger, guilt, loneliness, frustration, or depression, you must accept the fact that those emotions are not your problem; your problem is the avoidance actions you take in response to the emotions. When you stop seeing those emotions as the problem, and accept that the problem is the lack of pleasure and satisfaction in your life, you have something concrete in your life to focus on—actions that bring satisfaction and pleasure. Your task when coping with stress is to take positive actions that bring satisfaction and meaning to your life. The emphasis changes from concentrating on an emotional state, to concentrating on behaviors and thoughts that can bring you more satisfaction. When coping with stress, it’s a big difference.

As of August 2025, 22 states and Washington, D.C. have enacted laws or policies banning or restricting cell phone use in K-12 schools. One survey found 72% of high school teachers cite cell phones as a major problem in their classrooms. My county school board has joined in and banned cell phones during class hours for elementary and junior high; a high-school ban is coming. Educators feel that removing cell-phone use during class hours will help maintain student focus, improve learning, and foster better mental health.

The focus on cell phones in school reflects a concern among adults not only of academic achievement, but also about social-media effects on emotional and social development throughout adolescence. Consider, for instance, Maslow’s influential hierarchy of needs, a motivational theory in psychology that categorizes human needs into five levels: Biological needs for food, water, shelter, warmth, and sleep; Safety needs for security, stability, and protection; Belonginess needs for love, and connections with others through live personal interactions; Esteem needs for self-esteem, and respect from others; Self-Actualization needs for self-fulfillment and personal satisfaction. During adolescence, belongingness needs are prominent. I think we can safely say that if Maslow were forming his theory today, he would substitute neither wi-fi connections nor number of virtual friends for hands-on, live interpersonal social interactions.

Adolescence involves increasing social interactions with peers, entering romantic relationships, and assuming more adult actions in the family. These changes require open communication, and experiencing and interpreting face-to-face emotional expression that will help the adolescent acquire social and conflict-resolution skills, and satisfying relationships. No cell phone can meet those requirements. Restricting their use in school is a good idea.

            People high in self-efficacy are “hardier” and deal with stress more constructively. People high in self-efficacy believe they can cope with pretty much whatever comes their way. As most of us can attest, life can throw curves. However, life is much less stressful for people who believe in their capacity to handle stressors, even unexpected and large ones. People who are hardy and have high self-efficacy thrive on challenges and do not try to avoid them. When stressors mount, people high in self-efficacy see themselves as coping successfully. They remind themselves they have always come through difficult situations in the past, and they have no reason to doubt their ability in the present. They remain effective in tough situations. And they don’t forget the helpful influence of others. People with solid support systems respond to stress much better than those with weak support systems. Social support gives confidence and strength. Many clients say just knowing that others are listening and have similar problems helps make them feel less weak and alone. Social support has been linked to lowering blood pressure, increasing immune system functioning, and reducing feelings of depression. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with stress, ask yourself these questions: “Do I have trusted friends and relatives I can turn to for help? Am I using them? Do I believe in myself? Am I facing my challenges or avoiding them?” If you answer “No” to these questions, it does not mean you are mentally ill. But, you might want to consider professional counseling to help you structure a plan to help you cope better with your stressors.

A great step in developing personal empowerment is to look others in the eye when talking to them, not in some threatening way, but in a way that signals confidence and poise. This ability is especially important when dealing with bosses at work, when interviewing for a job, with vendors you are considering hiring—in any situation you need to convey that you are serious, that you mean business, and that you are strong, assertive, and capable. My students and I have published several studies strongly suggesting that maintaining eye contact influences how we judge others. In these studies, we produced videotapes where a model in the tape listened to some instructions about a task to complete. The instructions lasted 60 seconds. In one tape, according to a pre-determined pattern, the model looked directly at the instructor for a total of 50 seconds; in another tape, the eye contact was maintained for 25 seconds; and in a third tape, the eye contact occurred only for 5 seconds.

The tapes were shown to college students who were asked to “judge” the model in the tape on a variety of personality dimensions. The same pattern of results occurred over several studies using different participants: as eye contact increased, the model was judged to (a) be more success oriented, (b) to have a more dominant, independent, and assertive personality, (c) to be more relaxed, less anxious, in-control types, and (d) to have higher self-esteem.

The “look ‘em in the eye” advice appears good, and a useful strategy for increasing the odds that you will be judged favorably by someone else. But remember—the studies described above took place in very specific circumstances and might not apply to all situations. One situation that comes to mind would be walking down a city street and approaching a group of, shall we say, threatening-looking young men. In this case, eye fixations may be interpreted as a threat. But a job interview? Cocktail party? Discussing your ideas for improving something with your boss? Look ‘em in the eye!