Psychology and Stress

Coping requires honest self-discovery and awareness of your strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, if you don’t work at translating your strengths and weaknesses into productive actions, you will have no anchor to reality; you will have nowhere to go, and begin on a road of self-criticism that leads to unhappiness. We talk about depression often in this blog because people feeling “down” can easily fall into the trap of believing that they’re severely depressed and need medical intervention. Sometimes that is the case, but it’s also true that unhappiness can occur simply from actions that allow you to avoid facing challenges. Over time, these actions become hard to change, rob you of energy, motivation, and positive attitudes, and are unlikely to be affected by anti-depressant medications.

You are human. Like anyone else you experience unhappiness, anxiety, anger, and other emotions brought about by current life circumstances. When that happens, instead of saying, “I’m depressed,” ask yourself some important questions: “Am I depressed or simply unhappy?” “Are my problems related to anger or anxiety that make me unhappy?” “Could there be underlying conflicts from a harsh past that I have never dealt with?”

If you decide to seek professional help, see both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. The former will recommend non-drug approaches to your problem; the latter will also likely write you a prescription. If you have periods of unhappiness because of current life circumstances, remember: psychiatric medications are generally no better than a placebo for low levels of depression; these drugs can take as long as 4 weeks to begin working; only about a third of clients prescribed a specific medication show improvement; treating depression with medication is largely trial and error, because some compounds may not work well with your particular biochemistry, but others might; and, there is no medication that will help you develop a plan to navigate the challenges of life through satisfying and productive actions. This is not to say that you should not consider medication as part of your treatment plan. We are simply saying to keep the use of medication in perspective, get multiple professional opinions, and do not rely on drugs to “cure” your emotional issues. Any good psychologist or psychiatrist can help you decide if medication is appropriate for your treatment plan.

Here is a brief sample of some non-prescription actions you can do to try and take some control of your life and walk through each day with more confidence, assertiveness, enjoyment, and satisfaction. When done regularly, such actions tend to inoculate you against feeling overwhelmed by current circumstances. (1) Be vigilant about your health, and take a positive and assertive attitude toward life in general.(2)If you are feeling “down” more often than usual, monitor your daily behavior to look for avoidance actions you may be taking to reduce stress in your life. (3) Maintain a regular exercise routine, follow a healthy diet, and get frequent medical check-ups. (4) Identify actions that bring you satisfaction and contentment, and the situations in which you can express those actions. (5) Volunteer and help those in need. (6) At the end of the day write down your activities and how they made you feel. Use that information to your advantage tomorrow. (7) Others can be a great source of help in maintaining these activities, so cultivate a reliable and trustworthy social network of friends and acquaintances.

The pandemic threw a lot of kids a curve ball. No prom, no graduation exercise. This sort of disappointment can cause unhappiness, and that is precisely when folks young and old can let avoidance responses kick in. They deny the disappointment; they commiserate with others in a similar situation so everyone can feed off each other’s unhappiness; they feel sorry for themselves and wear their “I’ve had it tough badge”; they cultivate a martyr’s entitlement, and seek out enablers.

One day I was taking a walk and saw four young people in the park, each wearing their graduation cap and gown. They were laughing and having a great time as they posed for pictures taken by each of them in turn. I wasn’t sure what high school they had attended, but it didn’t matter because every school in the area had canceled graduation exercises because of the coronavirus. But these four kids were doing a great job of coping with what had to be a disappointing time for them. They took action, and spit in the face of the adversity that threatened to make them feel unhappy. Good for them! Some might say that their future will be rough down the road because they were robbed of the happy time of a graduation ceremony. Nonsense! You know what I think? Years from now those kids will have kids of their own, and one day their kids will suffer a terrible disappointment, and the parent will take them aside and say, “You think you have it bad? Let me tell you what happened when I graduated from high school!” Kind of like when our grandparents tell us how they walked five miles to school each day, usually in a foot or two of snow, uphill both ways.

Your biggest coping enemy is trying to avoid failure and unhappiness, because then you will never learn to correct mistakes and improve. To cope well, you must accept challenges, face your failures, examine the information they provide, and take action to correct your mistakes to increase your chances of success.

Education can make you feel a bit uneasy. A good teacher can use that uneasiness to motivate you to learn what you don’t know. If we make education easy – that is, keep you in your comfort zone, and present things you already believe because someone told you that’s the way the world is – then you learn to engage in denial and avoidance of new information. Why? Because if you learn only things in your security zone, when education gives you new information contrary to your beliefs, you will be afraid. Denial and avoidance occur because you are frightened that this new information may be more correct than your own. So, you disbelieve and avoid the new information. Unfortunately, when fear motivates you to avoid what makes you uncomfortable, you will be ill-prepared to challenge the stressors in life; you will be unable to communicate effectively with others; you will refuse to be held accountable for harm to others; and you will be unable to differentiate between reality and fantasy. In short, you will be dominated and blinded by fear.

Education means embracing – not fearing – and analyzing contrary information. People who are psychologically sound, who have appropriate levels of self-esteem, confidence, independence, and who are able to accept their weaknesses and work to improve them – these are the ones who embrace education, the ones who meet the hurdles imposed by stressors, and who are not afraid of being offended by information that contradicts their beliefs. These are the educated people who are willing to learn how to think critically about such information.

When politicians structure the school curriculum to further political agendas, they inevitably expose students only to material inside their comfort zone. This process is not education; it is indoctrination. Education welcomes mental questions and arguments; indoctrination welcomes mental comfort and reassurance. Education leads to cooperation, discovery, innovation, and progress; indoctrination leads to ignorance, fear, violence, and self-destruction.

The teacher asked the class, “What would you have from me?”

The students replied:

            “How do we care for our bodies?”

            “How do we become who we are?”

            “How do we correct our faults?”

            “How do we write with passion?”

            “How do we think for ourselves?”

            “How do we respect others?”

            “How do we speak with caring and understanding?”

            “How do we love?”

            “How do we grieve?”

            “How do we settle our disagreements?”

            “How do we share?”

Upon hearing these words, the teacher was saddened, and lamented softly in reply: “Alas, the lesson plans given me touch not on these things.”

Note: Mental Illness Trap I was posted on 1.27.2023. Additional discussions of PTSD were posted on 4.20, 4.27, and 5.5 2019.

Many people are eager to blame “mental health” on the rash of killings in schools, and elsewhere – anywhere we go from day to day. Many cases do indeed involve a perpetrator who is unstable, and some show warning signs of being a danger to themselves and others. A number of states have instituted “red flag” laws that allow families, health and social workers, psychologists, and law enforcement to intervene before someone showing signs of dysfunction actually carries out an attack. This strategy is fine, but unfortunately, the mental health argument usually focuses on the perpetrator, and ignores the mental-health consequences for victims and their families and friends after a trauma. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop in all these people.

Traumatic experiences – whether we’re talking about the direct victim or friends and relatives who experience the trauma vicariously – have the potential to change everyone over the long run; the effects of trauma, to one degree or another, tend to be permanent. No one should expect to eliminate trauma effects. Yes, the effects may be subtle, but they are present nevertheless. We must be sensitive to victims who will carry the emotional baggage of a traumatic event for the rest of their lives.

Are these victims and those close to them mentally ill? They are certainly emotionally distressed but are not likely mentally ill. Unfortunately, when mental-health initiatives are directed at perpetrators, the victims who are troubled do not receive the message that their emotional reactions are quite normal and expected, not signs of mental illness. Instead, victims – especially the young ones – hear the false message that if they experience emotions like shame, anxiety, sadness, confusion, frustration, ambivalence, and fear, then they are mentally ill – not normal. This bogus and dangerous message can trigger despair, depression, and thoughts of suicide, especially in young people who already feel rejected, abandoned, and alone.

The key to coping with post-traumatic emotions is to acquire actions to deal with them in rational and confident ways. Is it not tragic, however, that too many people in our society – especially adolescents and young adults – have been protected from adversity by parents and other adults, with the unfortunate consequence being that they never learn how to deal with negative experiences and emotions? That inability makes them susceptible to the misleading statements about mental illness perpetrated by society.

Are you one of those with a somewhat unrealistic view of the world? Have you lived a relatively sheltered, stress-free life? Do you believe adversity and danger primarily affects others, not you? If so, psychologists know that – even when your trauma is vicarious, such as when a family member is the direct victim – you’re probably ill-prepared for processing stress and trauma, and being able to confront and meet challenges. Before you can deal with the effects of your trauma, you must challenge and modify your unrealistic view of reality.

Bonnie is in her late 20s, and has been briefly hospitalized psychiatrically twice. She would come in demoralized and depressed, and leave feeling somewhat better, but still with flat emotion. Psychotropic medications had little therapeutic benefit. In outpatient therapy, Bonnie was reluctant to offer much about her past, but eventually she described a car accident from years earlier that led to the deaths of others, and put Bonnie in the hospital in a coma. She was 17 at the time, and was tormented by some classmates who bullied her online. She kept herself isolated from her parents and siblings, and fit the profile of a confused, distraught, self-critical, and self-punishing adolescent, lost in a maze of conflicting emotions. One day she drove off in a rage, crying, and that’s when the accident occurred. When she finally came out of the coma, she had no memory of the accident, a deficit that remained years later. She does, however, remember going to jail because there was evidence she was to blame for the accident.

Ten years later, Bonnie remained ravaged with guilt, but failed to see how much so through a haze of denial and shame. She also did not understand that deep down she believed she didn’t deserve to live because she caused the death of others. It was nearly impossible for her to realize that although she could not change the past, that it was within her direct control to become a better person in other important ways. One reason her guilt was difficult to resolve was that she lacked specific memories of the accident, and the guilt was hard to clarify and discuss. Nevertheless, therapy slowly helped her see her self-defeating and self-destructive brought on by the guilt. It took months for her to see the connection between her guilt, shame, and depression. As she did, the motivation to punish herself decreased and she acknowledged it was time to accept what happened and move on with her life in more productive ways. These insights occurred very slowly because her guilt and shame were rooted deep in her mind.

She agreed to join a therapy group. Eventually she was able to talk about her trauma, and she learned that she was not judged for her previous misdeed. Over time, Bonnie’s mood and behavior became more positive, her outlook brightened, and she voiced optimistic and hopeful attitudes. She faced and accepted her guilt over the accident, which helped her reduce her shame about the event. Originally, when her guilt was linked to shame, she amplified, “Look at this terrible thing I did,” to, “I must be a terrible person.” These negative emotional states regularly produced social withdrawal, depression, self-punishment, and low-esteem. By understanding that these emotions were normal given her trauma, and she was not hopelessly “crazy,” she was able to become more sociable, hopeful, and constructive in her behaviors. Finally, she learned that she needed to forgive herself.

How many 16-year-old Bonnie’s are out there, not who have had a car accident but who have suffered other types of trauma: bullying, parental rejection, school shooting, abandonment, drugs – you name it. Post-traumatic stress comes in all sorts of disguises, and these victims of trauma need professional help, especially the ones who have been indulged and overprotected, and are ill-equipped to cope with stress brought on by trauma.

Ever hear of the sandwich generation? This phrase came into vogue in the ‘70s and ‘80s when parents of “war babies” and the baby-boom generation approached retirement age. Their kids began to feel “sandwiched” between two sets of responsibilities: (1) taking care of their own children, careers, and marriages, and (2) taking care of mom and dad as they began to need help navigating the physical, medical, financial, and psychological demands of being old. Pressures on the sandwich generation began to ease as they grew older: their children reached adulthood and became more independent, and their parents eventually died. However, these changes were often replaced by a new source of stress: many had siblings who were now reaching old age, and who often needed support from healthier and more financially-secure siblings.

Being a family caregiver is a challenging role and few people are trained to manage it. From a psychological perspective, the first important step in meeting the challenge is to accept your emotions because they are normal and expected: Anxiety. Can I do this? Will I get support from the rest of the family? Will it require financial support on my part? Anger. I’m angry and resentful for being put in this situation. I’m irritated that other family members don’t support my efforts. Grief. I’m going to lose someone I value.

The second step is getting help from your spouse or an adult child who may live with you. I remember Harry, 68, whose 90-year-old mother was in her final stages of life. He could not bear the thought of putting her in an institution, and he said to Sophie, his wife of 38 years, “I want to move her into the house. We can put a hospital bed in the den and give her a comfortable, final few weeks of life.” Sophie, 67, had recently joined Harry in retirement, and she had been looking forward to several years of a good retired life with him. She envisioned occasional trips to visit their kids and grandchildren, and fun travel for just the two of them. Now Harry wanted to burden them in this way? She loved her mother-in-law, but this was unfair. Sophie was not happy.

Harry was really stressed. He was concerned for his mother’s well-being in her final days, and he knew he was asking a lot of Sophie. So, before discussing the issue further with her, he did some preparation and put it all in writing: He made a detailed list of his mother’s caregiving needs, and pledged to be the one responsible for providing them; he designed a schedule that would minimally disrupt his and Sophie’s lives; he listed areas collateral to her direct care (such as, organization of financial statements, financial planning of mom’s assets, use of online tax packages) in which Sophie had professional skills and could be a big help; mom’s doctors said she was expected to live for about 2 months, and Harry included a promise that if she was still alive after 4 months, he would put her in an institution. He then set aside a specific time to discuss the situation with Sophie uninterrupted, to make sure she understood what he was proposing. Sophie reluctantly agreed to the arrangement. Turned out that mom lived for another 22 months, although Sophie never held Harry to the 4-month deadline.

Harry and Sophie’s outcome may not be typical, but that’s not really the point. Caring for a loved one – either directly as primary caregiver like Harry, or indirectly as a secondary caregiver like Sophie – is stressful, and like any other stress, it can best be handled by following our four coping rules: Acceptance, Accountability, Humility, and Empathy. Both Harry and Sophie accepted the reality of Harry’s mom’s condition; Harry decided to be accountable as primary caregiver, and to do his best to respect Sophie’s reservations; Sophie agreed to be accountable for secondary responsibilities; both of them agreed that their individual needs and wishes would not supplant those of their larger family bond; finally, both of them worked to put themselves in each other’s shoes and see things from the other’s perspective. No real rocket science here, folks; this is how coping successfully with stress works.

Reducing stress in a caregiving context also requires that caregivers remember their own needs. If you are in this situation, as much as possible follow a schedule and stick to your routine, including time to relax. Continue with activities that are enjoyable and important to you, especially those that involve you and your spouse. Stay connected to the one you are caring for, and you will be able to explain and remind them of your needs. Keep your social network active so you can talk with others regularly about your frustrations…and joys. Writing helps many organize their thoughts and feelings, so consider keeping a daily journal not only about activities pertaining to your caring efforts, but also your feelings. Stay vigilant for signs of depression, anxiety, or burnout, and seek professional help if needed. Keep up with your own health care. Finally, keep reminding your spouse and other helpers how much you appreciate and need their efforts. Give them a sense of ownership in the caregiving plan.

I know many people who care for an elderly spouse or sibling. It is quite clear that while they admit to the hardships and sacrifices that are involved, they also experience incredible rewards that bring them satisfaction and a sense of purpose. As Sophie said to me one day, “It’s tough having Harry’s mom here, bedridden, and needing 24-7 care. But we still live our lives and it gives Harry a sense of peace. It’s an unexpected blessing.”

It’s great to be optimistic, unless your optimism is unrealistic. A noted psychologist once told me that growing up, he truly believed he could be a shortstop for the Chicago Cubs. “Sometime in college I realized it wasn’t going to happen. Contrary to what my folks always told me, I came to the realization that living in America did not mean that I could grow up to be anything I wanted to be. No dream was too big, they always said. Well, playing for the Cubbies was too big.”

The power of positive thinking is limited, but the power of positive actions is unlimited. One of the secrets to coping well with stress is to engage in positive actions, behaviors that bring you satisfaction and comfort. Seeing yourself perform these positive actions will give you a sense of empowerment, and will also invest you with optimistic thinking that is based on reality, not on a pipe-dream. If you want to be a positive thinker, then engage in positive actions.

Too much unrealistic thinking can overwhelm you with stress. Irrational thinking can impair day-to-day functioning as your life becomes organized around the central themes of those thoughts. Eventually, irrational thoughts demoralize you, and make you vulnerable to psychological dysfunctions like personality disorders, depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. In this last condition your mind entertains a big package of irrational thoughts, and you constantly add thoughts to the box. The result is that you worry about a huge variety of different things, and at an intensity far above what is normal concern and worry.

Actions that service irrational thoughts are difficult to resolve because they isolate you from situations that need to be challenged, and from people who can potentially help you. Telling yourself, “I’ve got to stop thinking this way” is futile. The pure repetition of irrational thoughts will dispose you to focus on and listen to them more and more. This is why those who want you to accept some idea as real, keep repeating that idea. As you hear it again and again, your actions will be modified around those thoughts, and you will develop dangerous habits of withdrawal and denial of what is really real.  

When dealing with irrational thinking, your best bet is to accept the reality of your irrational thinking, identify your illogical thoughts, and focus on reasonable and sensible actions you can take. Such actions will help you modify your thinking into more levelheaded form. A woman in counseling confessed that she avoided social situations as much as possible because, “I’m afraid I will faint.”

Counselor:       “Afraid you’ll faint? Has that ever happened?”

Woman:           “No, but it’s possible.”

Counselor:       “Yes, that’s true. But can you accept that it’s highly unlikely?”

Woman:           “Yeh, I can go with that.”

Counselor:       “Besides, what if you did faint? What’s the big deal?”

Woman:           “Are you kidding? Everybody would laugh at me and think I was worthless.”

Counselor:       “Worthless? Laugh at you? Would you react that way if you saw someone faint?”

Woman:           “Probably not. I would think they were sick or something like that, and needed some help. I wouldn’t…Oh, I see what you mean. No, maybe they wouldn’t make fun of me.”

The woman thinks unrealistically that she will faint in social situations, even though it has never happened. Her low self-esteem also leads her to believe – quite illogically – that people will think she’s incompetent because she fainted. In the exchange, note how the irrational thinking is identified, and how the counselor helps her challenge such thinking. Eventually, counseling will help her develop an action plan where she can demonstrate her competence and independence to herself.

When you are tormented by irrational thoughts that literally enslave you and force you to withdraw from life, if you focus on positive actions that contradict these senseless ideas, you can acquire some perseverance, self-sufficiency, confidence, and a chance at feeling good about yourself. Such positive possibilities certainly outweigh trying to make yourself the center of attention by inviting others to your personal pity party.

Amanda was in an unsatisfactory marriage. Her husband was often on the internet communicating with others in chat rooms, even with other women. Amanda understandably felt rejected, and she suffered from low self-esteem. She had tried both individual and couples therapy to address her issues, but was unsuccessful. She fell into self-defeating ways of coping with her stress and seeking more attention from her husband. She became very negative, nagging, and complaining, behaviors that were guaranteed to fail. Eventually Amanda decided to take some risky actions. She left her husband, filed for divorce, found a well-paying job she enjoyed, and asserted herself with her parents, who had contributed to her problems over the years. In short, she seized opportunities that had been available to her, but which she had been afraid to pursue.

What changed in Amanda’s life that led her to these decisions? Before answering that question, let’s note that in subtle ways, first her parents – and later on her husband – regularly tried to convince her that her perceptions of them were faulty. By any objective measure, Amanda’s parents were cold, distant, and unsupportive of her emotional needs. Yet, they would always tell her that the rejection she felt was for her own good. They told her that they showed their love for her by preparing her to face a hard world where others would be out to take advantage of her. Only by their insensitive and impersonal treatment could they train her to be vigilant for the malicious intentions of others. Amanda became dependent on her parents and unconsciously tried to perpetuate this destructive dependence by marrying a man who showed the same manipulative control in convincing her that only he could accurately interpret her reality for her.

To borrow a present-day colloquial term, Amanda’s parents and husband were “gaslighting” her. Although the term has no formal standing in psychology, it refers to a psychological process whereby one tries to manipulate and control another’s perception of reality, to the point where the victim literally questions the validity of their own perception. At one level, Amanda sensed that her parents were rejecting her, and her husband was being emotionally unfaithful, but at another level she became self-critical for distorting her perception of them. Her self-loathing developed and led her to helplessness, abandonment anxiety, low self-esteem, and eventually, depression.

OK, back to our earlier question: How did Amanda get out of her emotional nightmare? The change was triggered when her father died. His death spurred her to seek therapy because she experienced tremendous guilt over his death. At her first session with a psychologist, she was surprised when he asked her a pretty simple question that provided the foundation for subsequent sessions: “What are you avoiding?” No mention of anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc. – just, “What are you avoiding?” Before too long she discovered that the answer was not her overt guilt, but anger – anger at her father and her husband. Her guilt was actually a mask for anger because of the distorted reality both those men had created for her. Once she accepted the fact that she really had done nothing to feel guilty about, she was ready to accept her anger and perceive reality as it existed, not how she wanted it to exist, or how others tried to convince it existed. She decided she needed to focus on her thoughts and behaviors, on those things she could control. She became more constructive with her thinking, and took specific actions noted earlier that gave her more empowerment and confidence. She realistically evaluated her abilities and her confidence, and her self-esteem improved. She learned that her issue was not depression or any other dysfunctional label; her problem was avoiding things that she needed to confront. She even put her past aside and decided to develop a more constructive relationship with her mother based on present realities. As she took charge of her actions and thoughts, she lowered her overall life stress that she had tolerated and suffered for many years. When she took independent self-generated actions, she felt more in control of her life, and was able to manage stresses in more healthy and productive ways. She extinguished the flame of the gaslight.

I recently read some remarks by a politician who was ranting about the evils of schools that waste time on “social-emotional” programs. I got the impression that “social-emotional” was code for material related to gender and homosexuality. In any event, the comment made me think about coverage of Child Psychology in a standard college Introduction to Psychology textbook. Generally, child development is considered in three separate sections about development: Cognitive, Emotional, and Social. Of course, the fact that they’re treated in separate sections does not mean that development in these areas proceeds in some linear orderly fashion, such as first kids learn about emotions, then they tackle intellectual pursuits, and finally venture into social development. The fact is, beginning at birth, learning in all three of these areas occurs simultaneously. Even the one-month-old infant is soaking up knowledge about the world, expressing emotions, and socializing with parents, other caregivers, and strangers.

It’s Monday morning and the kids are getting off the bus at Anywhere School. There’s Larry. He’s a bundle of anger, frustration, and jealousy who is abused both physically and emotionally at home. He’s developing into quite a bully and most of the kids steer clear of him. How many Larry’s will show up today? There’s Sally, always smiling and nice. Deep down, however, she’s anxious and scared. Five years ago, her parents and brother were killed in a car accident. She is being raised by her grandparents, and they’re doing a great job, providing Sally with a warm and secure home, and lots of love. But Sally is tormented by anxiety that her grandparents – both in their late 60s – will die and she will be alone. Like Sally, Jennifer is obsessed with anxious concerns about “tomorrow,” but Jennifer’s issues revolve around fear of being shot. Her cousin lives in another state, and his school was attacked by a lone gunman. She and her cousin regularly text, and Jen is convinced her school will be next. Then there’s Pete, a post-pubescent 9-year-old with raging hormones. Pete, however, is attracted to Adam, and he worries about being some sort of weirdo. How many Pete’s are at school today struggling with their self-esteem and identity? Maybe Shawna? She’s wearing her usual long-sleeve blouse to cover up scars on her arms from self-inflicted wounds. She wonders a lot if the world would be better without her around.

There are a lot of good data showing that mental health problems are increasing significantly among young people. That’s not surprising when we think about how many kids – bolstered by social media that amplifies negative emotions and damages connectedness with others – isolate themselves with their problems, and turn emotions like anger, anxiety, sadness, and frustration upon themselves. Over-protective parents add to the problem. They think they are helping their kids feel good about themselves, when in fact their hovering has the opposite effect: “Mom and dad are always there to bail me out of trouble. It’s obvious they don’t trust me and doubt my ability to do the right thing. I guess they’re right – I’m not able to manage my own life.” Well-meaning parents who overly shelter their kids to ensure that they succeed and feel good about themselves seem to forget something important: life, and that includes education, can be hard. It is not always fun and games, and failure is a part of the learning venture. Psychologists have shown that we learn more from failure than from success. The idea behind parenting should not be to make sure kids enjoy regular and uninterrupted success; it should be about teaching kids how to face problems, how to initiate actions, and letting kids discover how to address failure, not avoid it.

The notion expressed by that politician that schools have no business in the “social-emotional” part of kids’ lives is ill-informed, absurd, and dangerous. Psychologists know that kids can be taught coping-enhanced behaviors on a large scale, behaviors that can help them navigate the variety of stressors they experience. Exhibit A is Seligman’s program for preventing depression in children. The program, summarized in the 1995 book, The Optimistic Child, describes an effective strategy for preventing depression in preteenagers that lasts through adolescence into adulthood. The program shows parents and teachers how they can instill resilience and persistence in their children to develop optimism, and use it to prevent depression. The kids come to feel more competent, and collateral effects include better school performance, and improved physical health. These skills provide children with the resilience they need to increase self-esteem and manage their teenage years and adulthood with more confidence. Seligman says, “Teaching optimism is more than I realized than just correcting pessimism…It is the creation of a positive strength, a sunny but solid future-mindedness that can be deployed throughout life – not only to fight depression and come back from failure, but also to be the foundation of success and vitality.”

Unfortunately, society has not taken Seligman’s insights to heart, and we are not winning the war he identified nearly 30 years ago. The recent study by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) on the status of mental health among youth in 2021 shows that kids are not alright. One in three teen girls have considered suicide; 46% of youth 18-24 say they are emotionally troubled; 12% report having no close friends, and only 22% feel part of a close-knit family; Covid and climate change weigh heavily on youth and half worry that humanity is destined for extinction. While unknowledgeable adults argue about what books to ban, assigning bathrooms, and how to disenfranchise non-Whites and gays, we overlook the fact that our youth are our future, but we are assisting them to become psychological invalids. Shame on us.

Considering professional counseling? If so, we’re sure you want to take steps to increase the likelihood of success. Here are some suggestions: First of all, be willing to take an active role in counseling and work hard to produce needed changes in your behavior. Second, trust and be willing to “open up” to the counselor, and follow recommendations made by the counselor. Third, and perhaps most importantly, the effectiveness of counseling is helped enormously if you believe it will be helpful.

This last item might remind you of the placebo-effect, which means that something works only because you believe it will work. However, we don’t mean to suggest that successful counseling is simply a placebo effect. Notice, for example, that if you believe in a successful outcome, you will also be more likely to work hard, stay optimistic and confident, trust the counselor, and persevere when the going gets tough. It is those qualities and actions that result in successful counseling, not some sort of magical placebo effect. The point here is simple: Counseling is not like taking an aspirin, lying down, and waiting for your headache to subside. Counseling requires you to take an active role in your treatment. If you sincerely believe that it can bring you positive benefits, you will be more likely to engage in actions that will bring you benefits.

Brian and Lee don’t know each other, but they are both clients of psychologist Dr. Wiley, who is treating them for social anxiety. They have each had three sessions with Wiley, and he has suggested to each one that they join his weekly support group of people who are also struggling with social anxiety. Later that day, Brian says to his wife, “I’m really upbeat about this group. I’ll be anxious in a group of strangers, but in the long run I think it’s going to pay off.” Brian is optimistic. Lee, on the other hand, is pessimistic. He says to his wife, “I’m pretty sure this group thing is going to be a big waste of time. But I told Dr. Wiley I’d give it a shot, so what the hell.”

After the first group session, Brian is on his bus when a stranger sits down next to him and starts reading the paper. Brian thinks, “One guy in the group said that having a simple exchange with a stranger helped him. OK, deep breath and let’s go for it.” Brian looks at the stranger and says, “This heat wave has been brutal. Hope it breaks soon.” The man looks over at him and says, “Absolutely! It’s too hot,” and returns to his paper. Brian thinks, “Wow! It worked! I started a conversation and he treated me OK, not like I’m some kind of weird loser! This is the start of a new me.”

Same scene on Lee’s bus. A stranger is next to him, and he thinks, “That guy in the support group said a brief chat with a stranger helped him. It’s nonsense, but I’ll try it.” He looks at the stranger and says, “This heat wave has been brutal. Hope it breaks soon.” The man looks over at him and says, “Absolutely! It’s too hot,” and returns to his paper. Lee is crushed. “My God, I said something and what do I get in return? Two or three words? That’s it? This whole damn counseling thing is a big waste of time and money.”

Brian and Lee have each experienced a self-fulfilling prophesy. Brian the optimist puts a positive spin on the exchange with the stranger, while Lee the pessimist interprets the same experience as worthless. Brian’s positive attitude causes him to interpret his interaction with the stranger in an upbeat way, and he is inspired to work toward improvement. Lee’s negative attitude causes him to interpret the stranger’s response as rejection, and conclude that his sessions are useless. A positive attitude won’t guarantee that counseling will go well, but it helps to believe that counseling is going to work for it to have a reasonable chance of working for you. A negative attitude, on the other hand, greatly increases the chances that counseling will be ineffective.

James Gordon, MD, is author of The Transformation: Discovering Wholeness and Healing After Trauma. He is part of a long tradition in psychology that stresses people’s need for meaning and purpose in their lives. From Maslow’s thinking in the 1940s about self-actualization, to present-day theories on mindfulness, psychology has always recognized the need for people to find ways to “be all I can be.” Gordon believes that empathy and service to others plays an important role in this psychological growth: “I’ve worked with hundreds of kids at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School since the shooting. They’re anxious, angry. But when they have a sense of being useful to other kids, their lives change. They want to share what has been helpful to them.”

Mark Leary, PhD, Professor Emeritus of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke University, adds another element – humility – to the coping equation: “After more than 40 years of research on human nature, I have come to believe that most of the serious problems people create – for themselves and for society – are rooted in excessive self-preoccupation. People think about themselves far too much, selfishly focus on what they want without sufficient regard for other people, believe that they and their group are special, and think that their beliefs are correct.” [Both the Gordon and Leary quotes are from Psychology Today, “Putting Yourself in Perspective,” April 2020.]

In this blog we consider empathy and humility – along with acceptance and accountability – as foundations of the coping process, and try to dispel the notion that empathy means sympathy for others, and that humility means weakness and rejection of praise from others. Let’s briefly review those arguments.

As Leary says, present-day society seems devoted to “Me, me, me, and I, I, I.” Such self-absorption is at the core of many of our present individual and group problems. When you lack humility, and believe that “the world owes me,” you form your own pity parade when things don’t go your way. You wail about the unfairness of it all – “I deserve better!” You talk and think your way into becoming an emotional cripple. Humility helps you admit that you are not the primary ingredient in your life recipe, that there are always others involved. This admission can help release you from your self-pity, give you an uplifting sense of freedom, and instill you with an optimistic spirit – all of which partially inoculate you against despair, helplessness, and depression. Strengthened by this new-found positivity, you will be more likely to “share yourself” with others who are also fighting stress in their lives, and here is where empathy enters the picture.

Empathy – which, along with humility, completes the inoculation against despair, helplessness, and depression – allows you to understand others in the context of their needs, not yours. That understanding allows you to focus your actions around human values and social conscience, and to act in the service of moral principles. Sympathy has nothing to do with it. As Gordon points out, the beauty of empathy is that both giver (you) and taker (the other) reap the psychological benefits. There is no more effective personal therapy than empathetic service to others, making sure you leave no one behind. Whatever your plight, you discover you are not alone, and that you have the ability to help others.  

Jack is 58, on disability and a widower whose wife died from cancer 13 months ago. He is unable to continue working as a longshoreman because of a workplace accident that happened 4 months ago, and damaged his eyes enough to make working on the docks risky. Once a competent, independent, can-do-anything type of guy, Jack is now depressed, plagued with low self-esteem, and on a daily pity parade. He mostly hangs around the house, alone with his thoughts, and often wondering what’s the point of even staying alive. One morning his good friend, Larry – who used to work with Jack and is also a widower and on disability – came to Jack’s home at 8am and announced, “OK, that’s it. Get off your duff. I’m sick and tired of watching you waste away. You’re coming with me to the gym.” The gym was connected to where they used to work, and they enjoyed free membership as an employee perk. Each day for the next week Larry arrived at roughly the same time, and off they went to a couple of hours of treadmill, weights, laps in the pool, and a sauna – anything that could be managed within the limits of their disability. They cooled down at the juice bar and munched on raw veggies. On the first day, after the gym session, Larry dragged Jack to the grocery store and showed him how to shop “healthy,” which meant no junk food.

After a week Jack was hooked and the trip to the gym with Larry became a part of his routine. Then, one day after the workout, Larry said, “You’re not going home yet. We have another stop. We have some people who need our help.” And off they went to a soup kitchen where Larry volunteered. For the next couple of hours they dished out food to anyone who stopped by, mostly homeless folks. After serving was done they helped the staff clean up the room, which took a good 30 minutes even with 8 volunteers present. Once Jack got home, he flopped in a chair, exhausted, but “Feeling better about myself than I had since Sherrie died. My body felt good and strong, I had purpose, I was useful, I was needed. I realized I was a selfish SOB thinking I was deserving of special treatment. Those folks at the soup kitchen needed help a lot more than I did.” Jack picked up the phone and called Larry. “I want to do the soup kitchen again tomorrow, OK?” Larry laughed. “I do it every day buddy. I just didn’t want to pile it on you too soon.”

The power of humility and empathy. Six months later Jack was still doing his gym routine and working at the soup kitchen. Now, however, he was involved in both the food preparation – “Me, a chef,” he laughed – and serving. He was also a volunteer at the state Office of the Blind, doing what he could to help folks whose visual impairment was far worse than his. Just about every day he says to Larry, “You know, we’re both blessed.” Larry smiles and nods in agreement.

Jim works in sales, and most of the time he is away from his office. One Monday morning, after a productive two-week trip that brought three new accounts to the company, Jim was catching up on paperwork in his office. His colleague and friend, Adam, stopped by. “Glad to see you back, Jim. I need to alert you that the new guy in marketing, Ralph, has been spreading some garbage rumors around about you. I swear, I think he wants your job. But don’t worry – I made sure everyone knows he’s full of hot air, and that there’s no truth to what he’s been saying.” Jim was furious. “That b*****d! I’m going to the boss and getting him fired!” Adam said, “Hold on, Jim, hold on. Like I said, everyone knows he’s full of it. It’s going to get to the boss and I think his days are numbered. So don’t take a chance on making yourself look bad. Besides, your day will come. One day he’ll walk into your bullseye and you can nail him. He’s a loose cannon and will hang himself.” Jim accepted his friend’s caution, but every time saw his adversary around the office his blood boiled.

Everyone is likely to get mistreated by others now and then. You’ve probably been bullied, insulted, given a lousy grade, turned down for a job, criticized, dumped romantically, and on and on. When you’re on the receiving end of such actions it’s natural to think negatively about the person responsible. You may carry a grudge or dislike for them in your mind for months, sometimes even years after they’re no longer a part of your life.

Many religions say you should forgive others for their transgressions against you. Even in everyday conversation, others tell you it’s not good to hold a grudge against someone. “Forgive, put it behind you, and move on,” they say. The problem is, forgiveness requires a lot of humble-pie energy. If you had a personal high-school bully who made your life miserable on a daily basis, why bother to forgive this person years later? Plus, you figure holding onto the grudge is harmless and just one of your unpleasant youthful memories. But, is maintaining a grudge harmless?   

In one study psychologists asked participants to think about a person who had done them some personal harm in the past, and whom they still blamed for the action. The participants were asked to rehearse the original negative event, to dwell on the hurt they had felt from this person, and to think about their anger and the unforgiving feelings they had toward the person. But then the participants were asked to switch gears and imagine what they would say to forgive the person. They were told to concentrate on having empathy for the person, to see things from their perspective, and think about various ways to forgive. During these two phases, the participants were asked questions to assess how they felt – their emotions, comfort, tension, etc.

When dwelling on the unforgiveness phase, participants showed increased arousal and discomfort. They felt angry, nervous, and sad when thinking about unforgiveness. In the next phase, however, when imagining comments geared to forgiveness, participants were more relaxed, understanding, and felt good about being able to control their emotions.

            Some psychologists say that holding a grudge can cause considerable stress and weaken your body over time. At best, you could become more vulnerable to episodes of anger and other negative emotions; at worst this strain could negatively affect your immune system and contribute to health problems. So, what can you do to lighten this burden?

For starters, all you have to do is imagine yourself apologizing to the person during a civil conversation with them. That’s right, the forgiveness does not have to be face-to-face; just rehearse in your mind how you would apologize, and then go on with your life. Forgiving (in your mind, at least) is not only good advice, but it’s easy to do.

            You can also try this technique with current antagonists. What do you usually do after you have a conflict or disagreement with someone? We bet you spend time thinking about the confrontation and imagining what you should have said to win the argument or to put your antagonist down. You come up with clever insults, but unfortunately, you didn’t say those clever things in real time, so dwelling on the episode after it’s over just frustrates you, and creates anxiety about your next meeting.

            To cope better, try this: Instead of fantasizing about things you could have said to dominate your tormenter, why not imagine yourself saying something like, “You know, this is not worth getting all worked up about. I think both of us have some valid points, so why don’t we just agree to disagree and work together?” In other words, take the high road, the honorable road, at least in your mind. Doing so should relax you and make it easier to put the episode behind you. And who knows, you may even find yourself making forgiving comments the next time you see the person. Even if you never make conciliatory face-to-face comments, however, or if the other person persists in being belligerent in the future, your symbolic forgiveness in your mind will help you shrug it off with a smile, knowing, “I tried! It’s their problem now.”