Psychology and Stress

Young people are showing increases in mental and behavioral health problems: loneliness, mood swings, sleep disturbances, anxiety, poor school performance, low confidence and self-esteem, vulnerability to stress, peer-interpersonal disturbances, and family disruptions often lead the list. That last item is of particular importance because psychologists know that a solid, stable relationship with parents is the first line of defense for teens in navigating the confusing biological, cognitive, and emotional swings that go along with adolescence. Unfortunately, for many teens, their parents or friends might also be victims of disturbances to mental well-being. Our early 21^st century world presents a huge and varied frontal attack of stress on the minds and bodies of adults; teens are not the only ones presented with coping challenges from multiple directions.

So how do we help teens – and adults – with their mental well-being? One thing for sure, the answer is not found in the myriad of “wellness” exercises that are plentiful on various media formats. While things like deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and visualization techniques are helpful in the moment, they do not get to the root – the systemic formation – of the mental health issues facing victims of all ages. Also problematic is the fact that media sources entrap teens to focus on self-centered, egotistical traits like physical beauty and perfection as providing the pathway to well-being and happiness. What is needed are more fundamental problem-solving approaches like the following: (1) Communication with others. Victims need to hear and understand that what seems to be criticism and rejection directed at them does not put the blame for their issues on them; the critics also have issues, and they often project their issues onto the victim. (2) What follows from communication is Empathy. There is nothing more uplifting for one suffering from mental health issues than realizing that others have the same problems and need understanding, too. The development of empathy is essential to healthy coping with stress. (3) What follows from empathy is Service to Others, which has enormous healing properties for the helper. Few scenes are more tragic than a lonely, confused, dejected person of any age locked onto their computer screen desperately seeking happiness and validity for being, but finding instead “advice” that leads them farther into a black hole of despondency, misery, and hopelessness. Service to others allows them to break from this technological spell of deprivation, get “outside” of themselves, and act to help others in need. Such actions encourage the helper to discover value in self-sacrifice, selflessness, and philanthropy. (4) What follows from service to others is a discovery of one’s values. Effective coping cannot continue without a set of values to guide one’s actions; values give purpose and meaning to those actions. (5) What follows from values is the emergence of contentment, satisfaction, self-discovery, and happiness at one’s place in life. Happiness cannot be sought; it materializes from values-laden actions.

A basic tenet of psychology is that when you see yourself engaging in an activity, you incorporate that activity, and its accompanying values, into your self-concept. When you serve others with purpose, meaning, and contentment, you will endow your self-concept with purpose, meaning, and contentment, and arm yourself to cope successfully with the stressors and challenges that face you. Keep that fundamental principle in mind next time you struggle with yourself.

Has anyone ever said to you, “What are you doing? You seem totally depressed. Can’t you see you’re just hurting yourself?” Maybe you’re in an abusive relationship; maybe you’re having indiscriminate sex; maybe you’re ravaging your body with drugs and alcohol; maybe you’re gambling away most of your paycheck and your spouse is ready to take a hike. One way or the other, you’re engaging in risky behavior. You are not overtly or genuinely trying to kill yourself, but you’re certainly leading a self-destructive life, and acting like you don’t care if you live or die. People with this ambivalent attitude often live a lifestyle that escalates into exposing themselves to more and more risky behaviors. Like an untreated sore that can become infected, what begins as moderate apathy – “If I die today what’s the big deal?” –  becomes like a whirlpool that gradually sucks the victim into despair. Do you live “on the edge” of life, regularly engaging in risky actions? Do you show self-neglect and carelessness? Are your moods characterized by negativity, pessimism, and depressive thoughts? If so, you may be afflicted with what therapist Michael Church calls Subtle Suicide.

Dr. Church has found that clients who fit the Subtle Suicide profile are generally not helped by anti-depressant medications. Their problem appears to be rooted in avoidance actions they have learned over a long period of time. They work to avoid stress and confrontation and tend to “bottle up” emotions and not deal with them; they often show addictive behaviors like gambling, alcoholism, excessive drug use, and overeating; and, they develop symptoms of depression and anxiety. These actions and symptoms are often mistaken as their root problems, and both counseling and medication are geared to them, not to the subtle-suicidal ambivalence that underlies the symptoms.

Jack, the older of two children, was always a physically large, overweight boy, and the other kids typically made fun of him. Consequently, he never developed much self-confidence and had low self-esteem. His home life was lacking in warmth and love. In fact, the primary source of acceptance in Jack’s family seemed to be food. Whenever the kids came home from school, Mom was in the kitchen cooking, ready to welcome them with all sorts of treats. Jack’s father was domineering, cold, and harsh. We do not know if Jack’s father physically abused him. When asked, Jack was evasive.

In high school and college, Jack got acceptable grades and stayed out of trouble. He plugged along, avoiding challenge and confrontation. After graduation from college, he got a job, met a girl, got married, and began a family. Unfortunately, he continued to avoid facing the challenges of life. His wife, Brenda, ran the household and made most of the decisions, both domestic and financial. When children came along, Brenda became the disciplinarian and primary caretaker. Jack had no clear father model from his childhood, and he stayed in the background when it came to raising the kids.  

After a couple of unsatisfactory jobs and a failed business venture, Jack eventually found a job that gave him some success and financial security. Over the years, however, his drinking increased significantly. He spent long hours away from home socializing and drinking while Brenda was home managing the kids and the home. When she confronted him about his need to take on more responsibility and be more involved, he got angry and refused to discuss the situation. Jack developed some health problems in his early forties, but he kept his symptoms to himself. He chose not to tell Brenda about his pains and not to get checked out by his physician. Eventually he developed open, bleeding sores on his skin, and he needed Brenda’s help in caring for them. Brenda pleaded with him to go to the doctor but he still stubbornly refused, even as his condition worsened. His denial and avoidance tendencies had now reached irrational levels. Brenda took extreme action and had him involuntarily committed to a medical facility for diagnosis and treatment. Her actions, unfortunately, came too late. The physicians said his cancer was too advanced and he died within a couple of months.

Beginning in childhood, Jack’s life was devoted to avoidance of conflict. His domineering father scared him so much he withdrew into a shell; his mother showed little warmth toward him except by cooking. Jack’s view of life became negative, based on a belief that people were untrustworthy and threatening. By adulthood he showed little compassion for himself or his family. He was self-absorbed, disconnected from others, and had no sense of purpose or life goals. He did not care about his own life and took no steps to help himself. Nothing seemed to matter to him except avoiding confrontation with others. His lifetime of avoidance and apathy showed an ambivalence toward living that is typical of the subtle suicide individual. His withdrawal strategy was doomed to fail because confronting and dealing with negative emotions and psychological pain are necessary if we are to become psychologically strong and healthy. Jack, however, refused to do so. His avoidance actions grew stronger and took him in a downward spiral from which he could not escape.

            Mark is a friend of mine who is a teacher. He recently wrote about changes in his teaching duties, and reading his words struck me as describing precisely what it is that teachers do. There is so much negativity about teachers these days – much of it focusing on what they are allowed to say and not allowed to say in the classroom. The negativity is brought about by state legislators who seem to think they know what teaching is all about. No wonder that teachers are leaving the profession in large numbers. These legislators vote for politically-tinged guidelines dictating teacher behavior, not recognizing that their new laws ignore what teachers actually do, and how they impact a developing young person’s mind in positive ways. Listen to what Mark has to say:

            “I just closed another chapter of my life, as I will no longer be teaching history.  I will no longer be teaching in the junior high either.  I will now be teaching in the ESL Dept (English as a Second Language) in the new W-B Area high school.  As I proceed through my career, I look at my role as a teacher as a tapestry of existence into the lives of my students. Every teacher (not just me) becomes a fleeting thread, woven into their grand design of time, and leaving my mark upon this world is not simply measured by the footprints I leave behind, but by the echoes of my intentions, the ripples of my actions and the lives I touch. As I navigate through this journey, I am tasked with dealing with students with a sense of empathy, kindness, and meaningful connections in a delicate balance between moments of joy and sorrow, purpose and uncertainty. The legacy we forge is not simply etched into stone, but it’s etched into the hearts and minds of those we encounter along our journey. It is a testament to our ability to inspire, uplift, and ignite the sparks within others. So let us strive not for the fleeting glory of fame or recognition, but for the enduring resonance of our influence. Let us sow seeds of compassion, tend the garden of knowledge, and let our actions be the brushstrokes of a masterpiece that continues to evolve, long after we have whispered our final farewells.”

            Mark’s insightful words remind me of an experience years ago. It was Parents’ Weekend at the college where I was teaching, and I had agreed to serve on a panel to discuss with parents the academic experience from our faculty perspectives. We introduced ourselves – name and department, until the professor after me said, “Hi, I’m Gregory Henson of the history department. But I don’t teach history; I teach your sons and daughters.” I was a young faculty member, 7 years into what would turn out to be a 41-year career, and I remember thinking to myself, “What’s he talking about? He teaches history!”

            I believe that Mark’s comments above describe well what Dr. Henson meant by his comment. Teaching is much more than just emptying content into students’ brains. I also believe that Mark’s comments show us how teaching has relevance to what we talk about in this blog – coping with stress. Note the similar positive coping themes of development that Mark touches on: “meaningful connections”; understanding the “balance between moments of joy and sorrow, purpose and uncertainty”; “kindness”; “compassion”; “empathy”; “the ripples of my actions.” Such things are the cornerstones of learning to cope well with stress and challenges. Mark’s words make it very clear that he is not a historian, or someone proficient in English, who happens to be a teacher. No. Mark is first and foremost a teacher who just happens to be competent in history and English. Next time you hear about some nonsensical new law passed in a state legislature telling teachers how to do their job, ponder those thoughts.

Effective coping requires you to focus on what you do, not on what you think, and not on the emotions you feel. How often have you said, “I’m so down, so depressed. I’ve got to get happier, get rid of this sadness about things. I’ve got to think more positively about things.” Another not uncommon comment therapists hear is, “I get too anxious. I’ve got to get rid of this anxiety.” In these comments, note how the focus is on emotions and feelings. This focus completely ignores the fact that these emotional states and feelings are symptoms; they are not the problem.

According to Dr. Michael Church: “Our thoughts and feelings are simply thoughts and feelings. They are not reality. Just because I feel or think I am a loser does not make me a loser. Just because I have been rejected does not make me a reject. The bottom line is, I am what I do. I am not defined by my thoughts and feelings, and I am not likely to get out of depression or any other emotional dilemma by simply thinking or feeling my way out. At some point, I need to change my behaviors which need to be aligned with my core values. If I am not living in environments corresponding with my value systems, then it is not realistic for me to be happy.”

 Emotions like anger and anxiety can be particularly troubling and even disabling. The question is, what kinds of actions can you take when you feel overwhelmed by such emotions. To help guide yourself in this process, it’s important to remember that emotions can be a warning sign that something other than the emotion needs to change—like an abusive marriage or a toxic friendship. Anxiety can be a signal that you are not prepared for a situation and might best prepare for it. Preparation may not alleviate all your anxiety, but it will give you confidence that you can perform well in spite of the anxiety. Also, keep in mind that “letting it all out” is not a good strategy. Psychological research shows that it’s not wise to “get your anger out.” Smashing things when you’re upset, for example, may actually make you angrier. So, it’s important to use this coping method with caution. If you’re going to talk to someone about a conflict, make sure you’re working on developing a solution, not just on venting or exploding emotionally.

Another important thing to consider is whether your emotions are helpful or unhelpful. Most folks have a tendency to label strong emotional feelings like anger and anxiety as bad, a sign of a psychological weakness. Suppose, however, you’re witnessing someone’s rights being violated, or you are in an unhealthy situation. Your anger can be helpful in such cases because it might give you the courage you need to take a stand or make a change. If, on the other hand, your anger is causing distress or hurting your relationships, you need to work on actions that reduce the conflict. Some examples: (1) Express your concerns using “I,” not “you” statements. “I’m upset that you bring the office home with you,” is less threatening than, “You don’t care about spending any time with me or the kids.” (2) Identify the situations that bring on your emotions and work on simple solutions. What makes you nervous? Long lines, traffic jams? Being late? Your kids’ messy rooms? Your partner is late for dinner most nights? Relatively simple solutions could be to restructure your day when possible: Shop at off-peak hours; take a different route to work; leave earlier for appointments; close the kids’ doors; schedule dinner later. (3) Exercise regularly. (4) Learn and practice relaxation methods through deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation. (5) Remind yourself that is not essential for you to win all arguments. Life is not a zero-sum game. Learn to compromise, take timeouts, and treat others with respect and empathy.

Remember how you are defined. You are not defined as “someone who feels anxious whenever I am in an uncomfortable situation.” You are defined as “someone who avoids controversy and confrontation whenever I feel anxious.” You must, therefore, work on modifying your avoidance behaviors in situations where they are inappropriate.

In this age of unbridled self-preoccupation, it is easy to offend others. I once heard a politician say: “I’m offended by this, and I’m offended by my colleagues that are offended by what we’re doing.” That’s a whole lot of offended! When you cut through the convoluted nonsense and self-focused drivel in this statement, you’re left with a frightened, self-centered person who is unable to confront a stressful situation in a constructive way. How about you? Are you regularly offended? Do you use it as an avoidance strategy? Is that how you want to go through life – mired in a swamp of avoidance and denial, unable to be flexible so you can adjust and improve? Do you want to be a servant to your fears and anxieties – unguided by a system of values, with a loss of direction that creates ambivalence about your worth?

Cassie would answer those questions with a resounding “No!” A work colleague’s actions offended her but she did not avoid confronting the situation in a constructive way. Cassie heard via the office grapevine that Baker, a colleague, was spreading a rumor that Cassie had taken a shortcut and “doctored” some figures in preparing a progress report for an ongoing project. Cassie was infuriated. She told a friend, “I have never been so offended in my life. That SOB is calling me a crook!” Cassie could have used Baker’s upsetting and untrue affront against her integrity in an avoidance way. That is, to avoid dealing directly with the stress, she could have begun spreading derogatory rumors about Baker. Instead, in front of other colleagues, she confronted Baker and very forcefully issued an ultimatum: “Baker, I am offended by your comments that I took shortcuts in my latest interim report. You know it’s not true and I want you to give me and our colleagues standing here evidence supporting your accusation. Otherwise, I want an apology right now, and admit that you made up that accusation to put me in jeopardy with the bosses. I demand that apology.” Baker’s face showed he was stunned by Cassie’s attack. He proceeded to apologize, and stumbled through an excuse that he “misread some of the figures in your report.” No one present bought it. [Eight months later, when raises and promotions were announced, Cassie’s promotion made her Baker’s immediate supervisor!]

American society is in a time of massive self-preoccupation. People seem ill-prepared to accept the reality of variability in what is right and what is wrong. Bewildered and frustrated, they reject accountability and retreat into the comfort zone of their own needs. This retreat makes them more dependent on others, incapable of critical thinking, and vulnerable to false messages. Their sense of autonomy crumbles; their purposefulness and ability to see meaning in life fade away; and they fail to see how self-destructive their emotion-based actions have become. Frustrated and fearful of abandonment, their only recourse is to lash out – sometimes violently – at others.

The first step in coping with stress is accepting a simple fact: “I am not the primary ingredient in every recipe.”

August 2023 – The Department of Education in Florida announced that the AP Psychology course offered to high-school students is illegal because it includes material related to sexual orientation and gender-identification. The course has been offered since 1993, and about 27,000 students have signed up for it in 2023-24. The problem, however, goes back to a Bill pushed through the Florida legislature by Gov. Ron DeSantis in 2022 that prohibits classroom instruction on sexual orientation or gender identity in grades k-12.

What is an AP (Advanced Placement) course, and how do colleges use it? In a college curriculum, a course in Introductory Psychology (we will refer to this course as Psych 101) typically serves as a prerequisite for psychology majors to more advanced courses in psychology. Many non-psychology majors also take this course as an elective, or a requirement in a related major (e.g., Sociology, Criminal Justice, and others). If a student has taken an AP Psychology course in high school and received a passing grade, most colleges accept the AP course as the equivalent of taking Psych 101, and give the student three credits. Thus, taking AP Psychology in high school allows students to substitute the AP course for Psych 101 and earn three college credits.

Psych 101 is one of several psychology courses I taught many times over 41 years as a psychology college professor. The course is typically designed to give students an overview of the basic content of the discipline: Biology/Genetics; Sensation/Perception; Consciousness; Learning; Memory/Intelligence; Child/Adolescent Development; Motivation/Emotion; Stress/Coping/Health; Personality; Disorders; Therapy; Social Influences. Most importantly, however, the course is designed to show students how psychologists think about behavior, and how they go about studying it. Thus, students also learn how psychologists use critical thinking and science – data collection, measurement, and research methodology – in the discipline.

Would the course include material on sexual development? Of course. How could we discuss fully many of the topics listed above without alluding occasionally to research on sexuality? Still, this course hardly seems threatening. Why, then, is it perceived as such?          

As we have said many times in this blog, adopting extremist attitudes robs individuals of flexibility, a trait that is essential for effectively coping with stress. In this case, the extreme attitude views any consideration of gender orientation and identification as bad; including it in an AP Psychology course, therefore, makes the course indoctrination, not education. The extreme attitude says that presenting research on such things as homosexuality and transgenders may brainwash students into seeing these behaviors as good choices for themselves. This is inflexible thinking that produces absurd and irrational conclusions – such as, an AP course in Psychology corrupts the values, morality, and healthy development of students. Extremists believe the course advocates some perverse point of view, failing to see that it is simply a course that educates students about the full spectrum of human behavior. Forced to believe that AP Psychology is a form of indoctrination, extremists cannot see that it is they who indoctrinate students by dictating what students can and cannot learn. They fail to see that it is they – not AP Psychology – who rob students of the freedom to make choices based on intellectual curiosity and the desire to learn about psychology. Those with extreme, narrow-minded attitudes want to force students into their extremist thinking. The result is disrespecting students by depriving them of the opportunity to expand their maturing brains, to increase their knowledge and understanding of human dynamics, and to discover how to study behavior by collecting and evaluating data in objective, systematic, and unbiased ways.

You know them: pests, irritators, annoyances, nuisances, pains-in-the-neck (or lower in the anatomy) – troublemakers bask in their self-declared superiority and eagerly display it for all to see. They believe that rules exist for others; that accepted policies are no good because they know a better way; that your opinions are misguided. When there is a problem to be solved that requires team players who are willing to cooperate and communicate with others in an atmosphere of mutual respect, if you throw in the troublemaker, everything falls apart and the problem expands.

The troublemaker is no more than a bully. Unlike the 8^th grader who bullies victims with physical attacks, however, the adult troublemaker is more figurative in bullying actions, as noted above. But why? What needs and purposes are being served in those who seem to dedicate their lives to oppositional behavior? The answers to that question are many, and the reasons probably vary from person to person.

At its simplest level, the chronic troublemaker may be modeling a significant adult figure from earlier years. In that case, however, we might expect the behavior to weaken as it consistently leads to negative consequences. More likely, therefore, persistent and intense troublemaking services deeper needs; it is almost certainly an avoidance behavior driven by anxiety that threatens to flood the troublemaker with negative emotions. For instance, narcissistic troublemaking can occur because of shame, jealousy, and envy toward others; agitation toward others is an expression of superiority and dominance, allowing the troublemaker to maintain their narcissism by avoiding the jealous resentment they feel. Another dynamic might be insecurity from intense inner-feelings of incompetency and inadequacy, and being a pest helps them avoid facing those self-doubts. Closely related would be the troublemaker who has unresolved issues from childhood centering on fear of rejection, abandonment, and loneliness. This emotional starvation makes them unable to trust others, and this distrust is replaced by anger; to service their anger, others must be annoyed and dominated. Also, anger-based retribution and vengeance provide a safety valve allowing the troublemaker to avoid the fear of being emotionally deserted and lost.

Whatever the individual dynamics, bullying troublemakers all have in common unresolved emotional conflicts that rob them of feeling secure and wanted. Unable to face those conflicts, they take a fear-based approach to challenges in their life that makes them avoid social interactions expressing humility and empathy. They are so threatened by the possibility of having to face their fears, they are left only with the option of avoiding productive interactions, not only with others, but also with themselves.

The word “grooming” pops up a lot these days, especially when politicians talk about their opponents. In that context, the word is usually associated with pedophiles, and it has almost become synonymous with sexual abuse of children (see our post for July 21, 2023). As we noted in our last week’s post, however, grooming can take place in a variety of contexts, such as romance, finance, education, terrorism, and criminal enterprises. No matter what the context, though, and whether the target is a child or an adult, common to all grooming actions is a perpetrator who lies continuously to manipulate a victim by building trust, and steadily bring the victim under control. The essence of grooming is when the victim becomes willingly submissive to the power of the perpetrator.

In this post, we want to take a more detailed look at the grooming process, and place it in the context of emotions. A groomer not only instills extremist, narrow-minded attitudes and actions in their victim, but also extremist emotions, and that aspect of grooming is what we want to discuss here. The shrewd, devious, and surreptitious ploys used by groomers result in gaining control of victims by convincing them that the groomer is right and everyone else is wrong; that only the books, movies, magazines, and TV shows acceptable to the groomer are legitimate – all else is fake. The groomer creates a world that is simple, black/white, either/or, right/wrong, with no in-between. The victim’s emotional world is groomed to fit only one model – the groomer’s; all others are invalid. The victim becomes an emotional extremist, a casualty of rigid indoctrination.

To illustrate what we mean by grooming emotional extremism, let’s analyze grooming in the context of gender roles. The emotionally-groomed girl is taught to believe that to maintain her femininity she must be subservient, emotional, quiet, and proper; the emotionally-groomed boy is taught to believe that to maintain his masculinity he must be dominant, aggressive, loud, profane, and unemotional (except to the groomer, of course). The problem here is that this narrow grooming robs victims of a trait that is important in the coping process: Flexibility. What is the groomed woman to do if she finds herself in a situation that requires her to be assertive, strong, and forceful? What is the groomed man to do if he finds himself in a situation that requires him to be tender, caring, and sympathetic? Each will be lost and uncertain because they have been groomed to express a limited, inflexible range of emotions. That uncertainty will result in frustration, self-anger, socially-inappropriate behavior, lowered self-esteem, and, most tragically, increased dependency on the groomer.

Trevor lives with his girlfriend and they have an infant daughter. One day, alone with his daughter, the baby was crying incessantly, and everything Trevor tried to quiet her failed. “Finally,” he said, “I lost it and smacked it on the head. I guess it was too hard because she went unconscious. I panicked, I called 911. They came and took her to the hospital. The police also came and arrested me for hitting her.” The daughter recovered, but Trevor was indicted for child abuse. During the trial his wife began divorce proceedings. Trevor was found guilty and sentenced to jail time. After serving his time, he was paroled, ordered to live in a half-way house, attend regular counseling sessions, and forbidden to have any contact with his ex-wife or daughter.

In counseling Trevor achieved some insights into his behavior. He says, “Social signals like smiles and crying from other people have always been hard for me. My dad always said that trying to feel how someone else was feeling was a sign of weakness in a man. My dad was a drunk and hit me a lot. No matter what I did, he might hit me. I remember as a kid wondering what do I have to do to get some support and affection from this guy? Mom tried to show me she cared, but if she hugged me dad would explode, yelling at her for making me a sissy, and then clobbering me to show me how to be a man. My childhood was really confusing.”

Trevor’s childhood experiences deprived him of emotional flexibility, and made it difficult for him to learn how to give and receive love. As he grew older, whenever someone reached out to him, he didn’t know how to react. Expressions of love and caring from others became aversive for Trevor, threats that reminded him of his childhood inadequacies. Note Trevor’s comment earlier, referring to his daughter: “I lost it and smacked it on the head.” For a moment, the daughter was an “it,” not someone Trevor could relate to positively with love and affection. “No wonder I never really got close to a girl for too long in high school,” Trevor said. “Commitment was a scary thing for me. I took a chance when Sally asked me to move in with her. I figured, what the hell. If things got out of hand I could always just walk. Then she got pregnant.” Trevor’s interactions with his infant daughter awakened many of his childhood issues. “She would smile at me and I got scared – What do I do? What does she want? When she cried, I thought she was mad at me because I was a lousy father. My dad was right; I was worthless. I wasn’t a man. That really got to me.”

Trevor’s early abusive environment and grooming encouraged him to distrust the world and be insecure in social situations. He had a hard time learning how to interpret social signals, and he was confused about how to give and receive love. Frustrated and angry, Trevor lashed out at the source of his confusion, just as his own dad had done. Dad was the only male adult in Trevor’s early life, and he emotionally groomed Trevor to avoid situations that required him to make flexible emotional choices, like ones involving commitment and affection. The only thing that mattered was to be a man.

Sally and the daughter moved to another state, and Trevor – in spite of some insights in counseling – never fully resolved his issues. He stayed in counseling but the sessions slowly became centered on managing his anger. His interactions with women were mostly brief and limited to the bar scene; he remained unable to commit himself to a long-term romantic relationship.

I have seen social media posts and news reports that quote folks who seem to equate pedophilia and grooming. This linkage is unfortunate because it implies that anyone who uses grooming techniques on another person must be a pedophile.  The fact is, however, that grooming can take place in a variety of contexts – romantic, terrorist propaganda, childrearing, and criminal enterprises. Con artists interested in cheating vulnerable people out of money often target grieving widows or widowers for grooming; drug dealers target impressionable adolescents to groom. The essence of grooming is when a perpetrator manipulates a victim by building trust, and steadily brings the victim under control. Successful grooming is when the victim becomes willingly submissive to the perpetrator. Most, if not all, pedophiles use grooming strategies on children; that does not mean, however, that all people who use grooming are pedophiles.

Pedophilia is a psychological disorder that is characterized by an adult or older adolescent being sexually attracted to children who have not reached puberty, typically kids younger than 12. In the psychiatric and psychological professions, pedophilia is distinguished from child sexual abuse. The adult teacher who seduces a post-pubescent 15-year-old student is committing child sex abuse, but is not considered a pedophile unless they have a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children. Similarly, indecent exposure, grooming, and producing child pornography can be examples of child sexual abuse.  The exact age for what is considered child sexual abuse would depend on the age of consent established in a state.

Another example of sexual abuse would be pederasty, which refers to a sexual relationship between an adult man and a boy. The boy is typically a passive recipient of sexual actions by the adult. Again, who is a “boy” would be determined by the local age of consent, which would define when the boy is considered competent to consent to sexual acts. Pederasty was once associated with The North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA). This organization advocated abolishing both age-of-consent laws, and laws that make sexual behavior between an adult man and a boy a crime. Law enforcement organizations generally find that NAMBLA has all but disappeared as members drifted into other pedophilia groups.

            When you hear someone accuse another of being a pedophile, critically evaluate their accusation by keeping in mind some important distinctions: Are they talking about prepubescent, pubescent, or post-pubescent minors? Are they talking about child sexual abusers or pedophiles? Some people who commit child sexual abuse are pedophiles, some are not, and some pedophiles do not molest children. Be wary and critical of those who interchangeably use terms like sexualization (see our post on June 30, 2023), grooming, and pedophilia. They usually do so to score points in the political or sociocultural arena by accusing an opponent as being perverted. Pedophilia is a serious social and psychological disorder with no reliable cure; using it to make thoughtless, uninformed accusations against an adversary just to impugn their character is completely dishonorable.

            Coping with stress does not have to be that difficult. Unfortunately, many folks make it hard by violating some basic principles. Consider Maribeth. She had a tough childhood filled with emotional deprivation. Both mom and dad were alcoholics; dad also liked to beat-up mom when he got mad, which was often, and he generally terrorized Maribeth who learned to hide from him by retreating to a neighbor’s house by the time she was 3. An aunt eventually “rescued” Maribeth when she was 9, and took her to live in another town. By this time, Maribeth was full of hatred toward her parents, and distrustful of all adults – including her aunt even though she did her best to provide a stable, emotionally-supportive environment for Maribeth.

            By her late teens, Maribeth had learned to wear her poor upbringing as a badge of sympathy: “Treat me gently because I have been rejected and beaten by my parents, who never gave me the love I needed when growing up. I deserve better, and am now totally screwed up, filled with anxiety and out-of-control emotions. I want to have a good life, but I can’t; my rotten parents destroyed me and made it impossible for me to live a normal life.”

            Maribeth believed she was owed something, and she decided that she deserved to be indulged and enabled by everyone because of the way her parents raised her. Many young people  carry around this attitude, and say things like: “My parents were killed in a car accident when I was 12. No one understands my grief. Life stinks and people are mean. It’s not fair.” “I’ll admit I have a lot of issues, and I owe it all to my parents.” “How can I be expected to be normal when I was raised by the worst people on the planet?” “My so-called friends just don’t seem to understand how I’ve suffered. I don’t get it. I’ve already had more than I can take.”

            The problem with people who choose to use their torment to get sympathy from others is that the badge they wear makes it impossible to take three steps that are essential to successfully coping with a rough past, and with current psychological pain. The first coping step is Accountability. If you’re busy blaming others for your problems, you cannot take responsibility for your decisions. The second step is Humility. Here again, the reason you’re blaming others for your problems is because you have this sense of entitlement; it’s not fair that you’re suffering; you don’t deserve it because you’re special.

            Maribeth began to gain some insight into her problems in her early 20s when she ran into trouble with the law. She lived with a man and their relationship was very turbulent; there were numerous calls for domestic abuse and disturbing the peace. On one of those calls Maribeth pushed a cop aside and that move sent her to jail and court. After a night in jail, at her hearing the judge levied a hefty fine against her. He also ordered her to professional counseling with a psychologist. “I’ll give you six months to get your life in order, or you’re going to face some serious consequences,” the judge warned her.

            After about 10 productive counseling sessions, the psychologist invited Maribeth to join her group therapy sessions with abused women. Their issues concerned recovering from abusive relationships with a spouse or boyfriend, not so much childhood abuse from parents, but the therapist felt Maribeth could profit from seeing a few realities that went beyond her self-absorbed approach to her anger. The therapist was correct. Maribeth was amazed to hear women talk about their near-death experiences from beatings – and in one case, being shot – inflicted by sadistic men. She began to realize that her anger toward her parents focused her on feelings of entitlement and indulgence that she felt she deserved because life cheated her. After only a few group sessions, Maribeth took the first uncertain toward step three of the coping process. One day she said to a group member who had an emotional breakdown while describing one of her horrific experiences, “What can I do to help?” Maribeth had discovered Empathy. Hearing others’ horror stories made her realize that she had no right to expect the corners of the world to be padded for her. Others were worse off.

            Maribeth stayed in counseling and she continued to attend the group sessions with abused women. She discarded her Badge of Sympathy, and slowly became more and more involved in volunteering with social service agencies devoted to helping abused women. She still harbored anger toward her parents, but she no longer allowed that anger to be used to blame them for her travails; she used it instead to guide her to personal humility, and empathetic service to others. That’s what coping is all about; not avoiding or denying a troubled past, or the negative emotions that go with it, but using those memories and emotions to motivate you to choose not to make yourself the center, but to make others in need the focus of your road to self-understanding.