Psychology and Stress

You might hear the word “accept” and say, “You want me to quit? To give up? To admit I’ve been defeated?” People often confuse acceptance with giving up and being resigned to the inevitability of stressful events swirling around them. In the context of coping with stress, however, being passive, powerless, helpless, weak, and ineffective are not at all what we mean by acceptance. Acceptance may be the first step in coping with stress, but that does not mean you must tolerate things or give up. In a coping context, acceptance means directly facing the stark realities of life, especially those over which you have no control. For instance, you have no control over your mortality. However, you can purposefully adopt health-enhancing behaviors that improve the quality of your life. That’s acceptance. Some folks, however, fail to accept their mortality by avoiding the thought, making it more likely they will engage in health-compromising behaviors that reduce their quality of life. As another example, some people grieve and mourn over the loss of a loved one, but they accept the reality of the death and process it in appropriate ways. Others have difficulty with the passing because they fail to accept it in symbolic ways; this failure robs their lives of purposeful and satisfying actions that foster a healthy self, grounded in a social conscience.

Acceptance also operates at a group level. The Washington Post reports that 36% of Americans do not accept Biden’s 2020 election as legitimate. They refuse to accept the reality of the vote – at least the presidential vote – and they service their denial by supporting non-productive actions like seeking retribution through hostile and aggressive actions toward the “out” group, the other tribe. Just as denial at an individual level damages healthy and beneficial stress-reducing efforts, so it is at a group level when denial generates dependency, conspiratorial paranoia, and increased stress.

Acceptance of stressful challenges can take a lot of time and work because you must engage in emotional, behavioral, and thought acceptance. “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be fine. You’re worrying over nothing.” Does that comment make you feel better? It shouldn’t because it advises acceptance by denial – just deny what’s worrying you. But you listen to this advice and say to yourself, “Yeh, you’re right, I shouldn’t be anxious. Everything will work out. I’ll just stay calm.” Do your words make you feel better? Probably not, and you continue to be bothered by troublesome emotions and thoughts, in spite of your comforting words. This lack of synchronism is a warning to you that you are asking yourself to deny something, in this case the part of you that is anxious and fearful. Denying yourself is a dangerous, self-defeating game that sabotages coping efforts, and your mind gets trapped in denial.

Leann is a perfectionist. “I get so anxious and angry at myself when I fall short of perfection. Why can’t I be like my brother who screws up but stays laid back, so cool, so in control? But me, I’m there biting my fingernails off! I have trouble finishing projects on time because they have to be perfect. I’ll never get promoted; I’m such a klutz.”

As a general rule of coping, instead of criticizing herself for who she is, Leann needs to accept who she is and examine the benefits of her traits, even the ones she finds troublesome. By doing so, she can increase her sense of control, personal empowerment, and autonomy, and allow herself to adapt and synchronize those troublesome traits with accepting her emotions and actions. Once she accepts that how she feels is a part of who she is, then she can think about her emotions a little differently. She’s mad at herself for being overly perfectionistic, but now – rather than denying her emotions by trying to eliminate them – she can pause and consider the positive aspects of her perfectionism: she is less likely to make foolish mistakes; she is showing others that she cares about the quality of her work; she is more likely to seek creative solutions to a task; she is less likely to depend on others for completing a task; she demonstrates how her actions are consistent with her values.

Michael J. Fox has been quoted as saying: “Acceptance does not mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is, and there’s got to be a way through it.” Acceptance means functioning in the real world, finding “a way through it.” It means recognizing who you are and, if you are displeased with some of your traits, modifying them to meet the demands of reality.

*Coping problems involve avoidance. When stressed, ask yourself, “What am I avoiding, and why?”

*Allow happiness to emerge in your life by acting in ways that bring you satisfaction.

*Coping well does not mean living up to others’ expectations.

*Relationship troubles? Ask yourself, “Who do I feel I have to be in this relationship to make it work? Do I like myself in this role?”

*Accept your thoughts and feelings, but do not be ruled by them.

*Your emotions are not the problem; your inappropriate actions servicing the emotions are the problem.

*Your actions must be consistent with your conscience, values, and standards.

*Focus on optimistic actions, not words. Thoughts without actions are fantasy. 

*No personal pity parties. You have no right to have the corners of your

world padded for you.

*Success is easy. You must also learn to fail.

            Welcome to 2024! I guarantee you it will have coping challenges. For one thing, it’s a presidential election year (groan). For another, it’s a leap year. That’s right, an extra day to hear all those politicians pontificate about their prowess. So be it. At least the stress of Christmas is over for another year. Hope yours was a merry one. Now it’s time to face the new year and put those new year’s resolutions in order. Aaron is ready. He resolves that this year he is going to find a new job. Sure, it was the same resolution he made a year ago but this time he’s serious. Plus, he says the economy is looking better.

    Sorry, Aaron, but right out of the gate you are showing us how not to make a resolution, how not to attack a challenge: First, you have an excuse for last year’s failure: you say you weren’t serious last year, but this year you are. The excuse says you have not accepted the reality of your situation; if you did, you wouldn’t need to say you’re serious. Second, you focus on external factors like the economy, rather than on what you may have done wrong to fail in your search last year. In other words, you haven’t taken accountability for your actions. You have a lousy strategy based on chance external factors, and you haven’t worked on a plan of action that corrects previous mistakes.

            So, what can we learn from Aaron? When failure occurs, effective coping requires taking action to correct errors, not focusing on excuses “out there.” The former action is under your control; the latter excuse is not. After a loss, coaches say, “We’ve got to correct our mistakes, and that’s what we’ll be concentrating on in practice. We can execute better.” Coaches do not say, “We need to petition the league for better refs, and make sure we don’t get that crew again. They screwed us!” (Florida State comes in here as an exception!)

            New Year’s Resolutions generally don’t last. Here are six reasons why:

   First, the very fact that you pick a specific date to begin your transformation into a better person shows that you are procrastinating, and are not motivated. Picking a date is artificial and means you are just kicking the can down the road.

            Second, many folks use resolutions to motivate themselves. “I’m joining a gym on January 2^nd and that will help me lose weight.” This resolution puts the cart before the horse. Resolutions must be the result of motivation to do something, not the catalyst for generating motivation. Resolutions should be connected to a specific motivator: “I want to lose weight, so I’m joining a gym”; “Warm weather will be here soon and I want to look decent at the pool”; “The boss invited me to join in a jog last week and I nearly died of exhaustion. That’s no way to get a promotion. I have to get in shape.” To lose weight, look better, or get a promotion – those are specific goals and motivators that increase the chance of success.

   Third, resolutions tend to be overly general. A resolution must involve specific actions and specific goals: “I will eat a piece of fruit for lunch instead of a sandwich”; “I will do a 30-minute workout at the gym 3 days a week”; “I will walk my neighborhood (or my treadmill) for 30 minutes every day.”

    Fourth, resolutions are usually unrealistic. “I will run a marathon by Spring”; “I will lose 30 lbs. by February”; “My resolution will help me reinvent myself, create a new me.” These resolutions are grandiose, unattainable, and unrealistic, and will lead to disappointment, frustration, and self-criticism.

            Fifth, your resolution must connect personal values to actions. Specifically, you must engage in values-oriented thinking and make your actions consistent with that thinking. Consider these disconnects: “I care about my health” (your value), but you put off investigating diets (an action); “I want to get in shape” (your value), but you put off joining a gym (an action); “I love being with my family” (your value), but you put off spending more time with your kids and spouse (an action). If you truly value those things, then you must admit to yourself that your actions are inconsistent with those values, and you must work to correct that problem. Connecting actions to values requires a much deeper commitment than does making a simple resolution. To cope with everyday life more effectively, identify your values, the things that are important to you, especially those that involve others. Then devise a plan that will help you coordinate your values with specific actions that are compatible with those values.

            So far, we have been talking about New Year’s resolutions. But our observations extend to any coping challenge. The keys to being successful with New Year’s resolutions are no different than the keys for being successful when dealing with any stress in your life: (1) Accept your current situation and be accountable for evaluating your role in it; (2) make a plan of action that results from your motivation to change, not a plan designed to motivate you; (3) include realistic, attainable, and specific actions and goals in your plan; (4) connect your plan to your values, especially those that consider the needs and welfare of others; (5) begin now, not at some future date.  

It’s amazing how people let the most trivial things bother them and add to their stress. For instance, on the last day of work before the Christmas holiday, Rachel passed someone in the hallway. She didn’t even know this colleague who said to her, “Merry Christmas.” Rachel replied, “I’m not a Christian, so I don’t celebrate that stuff. I also think Christmas is a ridiculous time when stores gouge the public with their overpriced merchandise. So, spare me the Merry Christmas crap. I find it offensive.” 

Complaints about politically-correct (PC) language increase around holiday time. You know, the “happy holidays” vs. “Merry Christmas” comment. Those who whine about this issue seem to forget that PC language boils down to courtesy, respect, and empathy for others who have a perspective different from theirs. Christmas 2017 I remember passing a couple of old guys in the grocery store, and heard one of them say, “Now that he’s president, I can say Merry Christmas if I want. No more of this happy holiday garbage. If they’re Jewish and don’t like Merry Christmas, tough!”

To one degree or another, we all see ourselves as the most important ingredient in our life recipe. The strength of this self-serving bias varies from person to person, and even within ourselves at different times. Any way you look at it, however, the bias is there and it has the potential to make certain language distasteful to those who refuse to accept that there’s a world out there beyond their personal space.

Being conflicted about using Christmas language can be a particular source of stress in interpersonal relations. Witness Rachel and her merry co-worker. And the grocery store guy seems to want to shove his Christmas down Jews’ throats. Here’s a coping thought: Let’s soften our life recipe to acknowledge the importance of ingredients other than ourselves. Let’s ask ourselves, “What determines how others remember me?” The answer is, “People remember how you make them feel.” With that thought in mind, what sort of daily legacy do you want to leave? Do you want people to remember you as someone who made them feel undervalued and inferior to you earlier that day? Or, do you want them to remember you as someone who made them feel good because you seemed to understand and respect their perspective?

Why not adopt a little humility, and decide that life is not all about you? Why not take the time to make others feel worthy of your respect? Doing so will remove concern from your mind about frivolous, nonsensical things like PC language. You will feel more empowered and independent; you will feel more productive; and those feelings will bring you more personal satisfaction. Most important, you’ll have more pleasant interactions with others.

Danny is one of those guys who greets life each day with a smile. His co-workers love him because he’s always ready to lend a helping hand and believes in teamwork. He doesn’t take himself too seriously, and loves to defuse conflict with a light-hearted comment. On the last day of work before the Christmas holiday, he was exiting the building and passed an employee he didn’t know. He said with a big smile, “Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or bah humbug. Choose your preference!” His colleague laughed heartily and said, “Right back at you!” And they both went their way with a smile.

Last week’s post noted how the holidays can be a tough time if you lost a loved one during the previous year. Suddenly, someone who was a part of family celebrations and joy is not there. Grief is magnified by holiday family traditions.

Grief often leads survivors “inward” to focus on their emotions, and dwell on how their loss has broken their emotional stability. This focus is certainly understandable. Unfortunately, though, because holiday time is so strongly associated with happy times for most people, the inward spotlight magnifies sadness, despondency, frustration, guilt, anger – a literal flood of overwhelming emotions that can be devastating. That’s why an inward focus on grief – while OK in small doses – can ravage the coping process if it becomes a daily addiction.

Fortunately, the holidays provide ample opportunities for an “outward” focus to help the aggrieved “live through” their grief. Christmas, for instance, amplifies the need for a parent who has lost a spouse to bring the magic of the time to their kids. The grief-stricken – in a spirit of empathy – can also reach out to others who have fallen on hard times, and discover that this outward focus gives them a way to move forward with their own grief, and honor their departed loved one.

I remember many years ago when a friend of our family suffered a great loss when her son-in-law was killed in an accident several months before Christmas. Her daughter, Jill, now a young widow in her late 20s, came to live with her mom temporarily while they both sorted out their emotional lives.

My mother invited them to join us for Christmas dinner. Before dinner, my mom handed each of them a wrapped present. Jill was dumbfounded. “But I have no present for you,” she said. “Yes, you do,” my mom replied. “Your presence is our gift.”

I was in college at the time and thought that comment was pretty cool. Years later, however, I saw the comment in a new light.

Giving vs. receiving – we generally separate these actions as distinct, but they’re not. When Jill accepted the gift from my mom, she also gave my mom something very special in return: the blessing of fulfillment and satisfaction. It sounds corny but I think my mom received a gift of feeling part of the family of humanity; mom discovered that a simple gesture to someone in distress – “Yes, Jill, you are saddened and in pain, but life endures through the pain.” – offered mom the special gift of receiving through the act of giving. So, looking at Jill and my mom, who gave and who received?

For me, the lesson here is pretty straightforward: Are you in emotional pain – depressed, saddened, hurt, upset, guilty, angry? No matter what time of year, focus on what’s “out there” and how you can be a part of it. After all, it’s life out there. Accept and receive from others, and in doing so, you will discover that you are also giving, and bringing honor to the memory of your loved one. Give your service and help to those who, like you, need support, and you will be blessed with the contentment of receiving in the act of giving.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

I was reading one of those annual letters many families send out during the Christmas season. The writer’s family would be having Christmas for the first time without a woman who was a mother, a mother-in-law, and a grandmother for the family, and they planned to celebrate her memory. Many people do not associate “celebrate” with loss of a loved one, thinking instead of “mourning” during that first holiday without a loved one. Mourning is an important part of the coping process, but in the long run, we will cope much better with personal loss if we resolve to honor departed loved ones by celebrating their memory, focusing on how much they contributed to our life, and considering ways to honor their memory. With that message in mind, here’s a piece that Dr. Carlea Dries wrote on December 12, 2016, words I like to repeat every year at this time.

HOLIDAY GRIEF

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… except when it’s not. The holidays usually mean the coming together of family members. Ordinarily this is a welcome time of festive gatherings, exchanging of presents, and special memories made near a roaring fireplace. For some, however, this Norman Rockwell image is drastically different from reality, particularly when recent loss of a loved one is involved. Let’s note that “loss” is not limited to the death; it can also include divorce, hospitalization, incarceration, active duty without a holiday leave, or a family member who moved away. 

Recently, I attended the funeral for my great aunt. Though Marge was 93 and in failing health, her death hit our family rather hard, especially her daughters and sister (my grandmother, who is now the only one left of the original 11 siblings). The sermon during the church service (paraphrased herein) highlighted how this first holiday is going to be different: “You’ll notice the quiet. You’ll notice the missing [specialty food]. You’ll notice the missing chair at the table.” 

While I was at the repast, a good friend of mine texted to say that her parents are getting divorced after more than thirty years of marriage. This news was unexpected and rendered her numb. She just kept asking how it could be real and why, if it had to happen, it had to come so close to Hanukkah. This was supposed to be the first time she would be hosting her family, and now everything was changing. 

How do you cope with the first holiday season in the “next normal” or “new normal”? How do you hold on to a sense of control when things are clearly out of your control?

The most important thing to do, discussed in other blog posts, is to recognize what is in your circle of power. My grandmother can’t bring her sister back. My friend can’t convince her parents to stay together. So, they must try to do what they can: accept what it is and move forward from that point. Yes, that’s easier typed than done.

Some feel consoled by leaving a place at the table for the absent person, but many others find that much more discomforting because it is a visual reminder of the vacancy. You may, therefore, choose to remember the person in a smaller way. I have made ornaments with pictures of departed relatives, reminding me of times we spent together. Every year for Thanksgiving, my mother makes her aunt’s stuffing (though Aunt Petronella called it “dressing”). My mother-in-law uses a picture of her mother as the angel for her crèche. A friend video-chats with her husband who is stationed overseas. For the past 14 years, my father brings homemade goodies to the staff at the nursing home where his parents finished their earthly stories. A colleague mentioned that she has a “moment of reflection” during which everyone present shares a memory, story, or image of those who cannot be with them – one even sings a favorite song!

These simple gestures become meaningful traditions that do not overwhelm us with intense feelings of loss. Rather, they celebrate the lives and connections we had to those who are absent. 

Other coping suggestions include planning a totally new activity that literally takes you away from the familiar reminders of the absent one. Go on a mini-vacation. Celebrate with a different group of people. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter. Service to others is probably the most effective way of coping with personal loss. Keep your mind and body distracted, not to the point where you are ignoring, denying, or detaching from the loss, but to keep you focused on something productive instead of painful. 

No matter what options you are comfortable choosing, you must give yourself permission to feel. There will be moments when you want to do nothing but sit in silence. Other times you will want to do nothing but scream. You might even find yourself smiling or laughing and then feel guilty because how dare you be happy when you are missing someone?! Have “the big, snotty cry” if that is what you want to do. Let yourself feel. Take the time you need. It’s okay to say “no” to invitations; just be sure you don’t let your mourning stop you from living.  

There was also a message of comfort in the sermon for my Aunt (again paraphrased): Marge lives on in your hearts and memories. If you listen in the quiet, you can hear her. If you feel in the still, you can sense her. Remembering means no one ever leaves.

You might not feel better today. You might not feel better tomorrow. But at some point, you will feel that you have moved to the next normal and that will be the next best thing.

The holidays are a time when a lot of folks seem to focus on happiness. It’s Christmas! Let’s gather around the tree, sing carols, laugh, and have a happy time. Unfortunately, holiday happiness can be elusive because too often people tend to center their search around “me,” always asking, what do “I” need to do to make “myself” happier? If this sounds like you, the problem here is that you’re being self-serving and looking for answers that are defined by your needs, your frustrations, your anxieties, your difficulties. “But,” you ask, “how can I possibly help myself if I don’t center my plans and actions around myself?”

Here’s a thought: Instead of putting yourself as the main ingredient in the recipe, take yourself out of the recipe. Consider the possibility that, whatever your difficulty, you can use the emotions it generates within you to increase your sensitivity to others who suffer from trauma and conflicts similar to yours. This empathy will not only help others, but yourself as well. That’s right, taking yourself out of the formula will encourage you to reach out to others. The bonus? You will discover that reaching out will bring you ample helpings of personal satisfaction – call it happiness if you want, but it’s much more – and help you cope better with your problems. Many people feel that happiness is something that is acquired, like a trophy, a promotion, or winning the lottery. Psychology research shows, however, that happiness emerges from things you do, not from things you acquire. Reaching out to others, committing to a cause, working hard at a task, persisting in spite of frustration and adversity – these sorts of things seem more related to being “happy” than merely acquiring something.

Viewed from this perspective, one clear road to happiness involves empathy, a social responsiveness that does not involve a search for happiness, but a desire to help others because you understand their need. If you have been previously victimized or are presently dealing with emotional upheaval in similar ways as someone else, who can understand their plight better than you? Who is better equipped to relate to them than you? The true beauty of empathy and helping others, however, is that you reap the psychological benefits of contentment, satisfaction, and self-actualization. There is no more effective therapy than empathetic service to others. It’s not that empathy brings you happiness; it’s that empathy brings you a sense of being a useful person.

Here are some comments from clients in group therapy.

“Telling my story helped me face it as real. Then I knew others’ stories were real, too. I felt less alone. New people would show up. It was hard for me to listen to them because I was reliving my own experience. But I understood them, and knew they understood me. That was so cool.”

            “I discovered I could help others. Hell, if I could do that, I should be able to face myself. That brought me a lot of inner peace.”

            “I discovered I wasn’t the only one hurting. Others were there, too. Whenever I felt like I was drowning, I threw a lifeline to others in the group. We taught each other how to save ourselves.”

Whatever your plight, you are not alone in your difficulties. The best way to facilitate your ability to cope is to make sure that – as you travel the road to discovering that you are useful – you leave no one behind. Christmas is unique in offering you that pathway. Take it. Doing so will help you will find yourself participating in – and enjoying the richness of – the human adventure.

Poor Santa. He gets a free ride at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade yesterday, but it comes at a cost. Just at that time of year when millions of children idolize the guy, someone comes down on him as the cause of mistrust in children toward their parents. Presumably, the mistrust develops when the kid discovers that there is no jolly guy flying around the world in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, and concludes that “my parents have been lying to me all this time. I’ll never trust them again.” Pop psychology at its best.

Christian evangelicals also criticize presenting Santa as real. They point out that lying is sinful; your child could also be embarrassed in front of peers; even worse, your child could suffer religious confusion among peers when faced with a question like, “You believe in God? I suppose you also believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny!” And, finally, many argue that focusing a child on Santa encourages them to overlook the true meaning of Christmas – the birth of Jesus.

These false narratives are not based on solid child psychology knowledge. For example, enlightened and empathetic parents can use their children’s newly-discovered skepticism about Santa as valuable life, family, and yes, even religious lessons. “Hey, mom, Sally just told me that Santa isn’t real. Is that true?” I remember a conversation I had with a former student about this issue. She said that a few days before Christmas she and her 7-year-old daughter were wrapping presents. She told her daughter they could make one from Santa. “But mom, I know Santa’s not real.” When I asked mom how she handled that, paraphrasing, here’s what she said:

“Well, you know I teach elementary school, and I was ready for it. I admitted there was not a bearded old man in a sleigh. But I brought up some of our family traditions and talked about them with her – things we did, special decorations, meals, all the fun times we had at Christmas. And I asked her, ‘Has Santa been a part of all those fun times? How is Santa in this house? Could it be that we’re all Santa? You, me, your dad, your little brother? And what makes us Santa?’ She nailed this one and said, ‘We give each other presents!’ Building on that insight I went into some comments about giving and receiving, that both are blessings because they bring us together as a family. I said, ‘That’s who Santa is. All of us, and it’s one of the things that shows each of us that we love each other.’ I could tell she was really soaking all this in like a sponge. And then I took the plunge. I pointed at the Nativity scene we always had in a prominent place under the tree. And I went into the great gift that God, the ultimate Santa, gave us – his Son who would teach us to love one another.”

The pop-psychology stuff about seeding mistrust in children by lying to them about Santa is nonsense. An isolated deception about a real Santa is not going to sow mistrust of parents in an overall warm, supportive family filled with love and positive guidance. Furthermore, as Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget showed us, children’s understanding about their world progresses through stages, and the first stage is very concrete: their understanding is primitive. Try to explain to a 2-year-old that Santa is symbolic of the gifts of giving and receiving, those things that define a family and love, including the love and redemption we receive from Christ. Good luck. But, believe it or not, the vision of a jolly, smiling guy being towed through the sky by a bunch of flying reindeer is preparing the child’s mind for understanding those greater mysteries to be grappled with at a later age, with a more physically-matured brain. The fact is, the early belief in the real Santa is not at all incompatible with appreciating at a later age the significance of what’s really going on in that Bethlehem stable.

There’s a coping lesson here: Put more Santa into your life throughout the year. The reality of Santa embodies the principles of effective coping with stress: Get outside yourself and give service and support to others; likewise, receive what others bring you, remembering the difference between taking – which is based on egotistical self-absorption, and receiving – which is based on understanding, empathy, and humility. Remember, receiving allows you to give to another the special blessing of giving. Keeping Santa’s Ho-Ho-Ho in your heart will help you establish a psychologically healthy daily legacy that is based on making others – and yourself – feel good.

Are you regularly self-critical, always casting yourself as the enemy? You will never cope effectively if you are your own enemy. Sure, you have negative thoughts and feelings, but they are a natural part of life, and having them does not make you weird or abnormal. If someone criticizes you, well, that’s their problem, not yours; you’re not here to live up to others’ expectations.

            Do you give in to self-destructive behavior – drug/alcohol abuse, social withdrawal, gambling, eating disorders, jeopardizing your family’s welfare – at the expense of your values? If you value your roles as parent, spouse, employee, or friend, but, at the same time, let yourself become less effective in these roles, how can you expect to feel good about yourself?  If you value work, family, and friends, you must act accordingly, and with a sincere commitment and dedication.

            Do you regularly ask yourself, “How am I doing?” or, “Am I happy enough?” If you overdo this self-focus you can lose your ability to feel satisfied in the present. For example, chronically depressed and anxious people are likely to focus on whether they are feeling better. They search for answers in social situations to see how they are doing: “Does Joe see I’m here?” “Do I look foolish to Sally?” They also monitor their own actions: “Is my heart racing?” “Am I sweating?” “Am I just pretending?” “How well am I relating?” They try to feel “right,” which makes it impossible to be themselves and have a good time.

Do you constantly check on your actions and worry about what others are thinking? Do you try to maintain complete control over what’s going on around you? Such efforts are not coping solutions, but are coping problems. In the final analysis, actions based on fear and anxiety are the basis for the issues most people face; fear and anxiety are the motivators for the conflicts that produce most psychological problems and encourage inappropriate actions. Can you see that your emotions are not the problem, but inappropriate actions servicing the emotions are?

            Stop treating your emotions as if they are alien invaders. They are you! We all have them and they are a natural part of living. You are not weird. Accept your emotions but do not be governed or dominated by them. Acceptance of their presence and focusing on your behavior are the keys to effective coping.

Sometimes you’re miserable, right? You often compare yourself to others who seem to be so much better off, so happy. “Why can’t I be happy?” you ask. Unfortunately, happiness can’t be your goal; it’s not something you find; it is something that emerges from things you do. Stop comparing yourself to others because you probably choose those who are shining examples of certain traits. There will always be those better than you, and those worse than you, so why restrict yourself to always choosing the former for comparison? Ignore those standards of beauty, skill, and perfection that so many others seem to have achieved. They haven’t. Also, understand that any criticism and rejection directed at you does not mean you are unworthy. Your critics also have issues, and they often project their issues onto you. They are the ones to blame, not yourself. They are not being honest.

Be aware of – and be wary of – the influence of online “friends.” Who influences you? Is it a flesh-and-blood real friend you trust and talk to with face-to-face, eye-to-eye contact? Or is it a distant, anonymous, virtual someone who is simply familiar to you in a chat-room or podcast? The “virtuals” can be strong influencers, but too often they are shallow, detached, uncaring, manipulative, and dangerous. Their influence is not reality-based, and it is designed to strip you of your independence.

Start communicating honestly with real-life, trusting others. You might be surprised to discover that they have many of the concerns and doubts that you do. Communicate with those real, genuine people who are honest with themselves and with you. The result will be that you will provide them with reassurance about their worthiness, and receive support for your own worthiness in return. Above all, remember: You are defined by your actions in the real world.