Author: thecopingblog

Shakespeare said it succinctly in Hamlet, when he had Queen Gertrude comment on the insincerity of a character in a play: “The lady doth protest too much.” The Queen is saying that the assertions of faithfulness and love from a character are so extreme and persistent that the Queen does not believe they are true; the protesting character probably believes the opposite of what she is saying. In modern psychology, that’s exactly what the ego defense mechanism “reaction formation” means: Behaving outwardly and excessively—Shakespeare’s “too much” protesting—the opposite of how you feel inside, in order to hide from others and, more importantly, from yourself, those inner feelings. The guilty one yells, “I am innocent” the loudest; the sinner yells, “I am pure and without sin” the loudest.

Marlee and Terri work in the same division of a company, and they have both been assigned to a project team to investigate ways to improve worker morale and productivity. Marlee came up with a plan and presented it to the team by email. Terri has always been jealous of Marlee because her competence and popularity taps into Terri’s inner insecurities based on low self-esteem, self-doubts, and low confidence. Terri writes an extreme reply to the team that lashes into Marlee’s proposal, going so far as to say that the proposal violated company protocol and threatened the cohesiveness of the team. Shocked, Marlee asks Terri if she would state specific reasons for her accusations. Terri replies only to Marlee, continuing the “protest too much” reaction that characterizes reaction formation: “Since you’ve continued to behave poorly, I’ve removed you from the email thread so that the rest of us can have a productive conversation. I’m disappointed in your behavior and it’s shameful that a colleague would conduct herself in this manner. Your deliberate misreading of company policies is intellectually dishonest, and you know it. And I certainly think using the company email to treat me so rudely and disrespectfully shows your arrogance and selfishness. The company should remove your email privileges. I can only hope that you do not demean me and our other team members in public, although I expect no less given your hostile and hurtful nature toward me.” Marlee shared the email with the rest of the project team, and they asked their company supervisor to remove Terri from the project. He did so. Terri’s emails, excessively loud in their protest, are model examples of reaction formation.

George is 38 and shorter than average, which may have been one reason he was often bullied in high school. College went OK, and after graduation he landed a job in a brokerage firm. Even though his performance was decent, he was insecure and lacked self-esteem and confidence. At work he kept a low profile so he wouldn’t stick out. He stayed in his safe zone to avoid facing his insecurities. One day a colleague said, “Come on, George, get out of that shell. You know the market but you never put that knowledge into action. Go for it! Take some risks!”

George did just that and luck was on his side. His investment gamble brought millions into the firm almost overnight, and he went from a drone to a shining star. His whole demeaner changed. He pranced around work like the head rooster in the farm yard. He boasted about his prowess and criticized his colleagues often. He wore the best clothes, bought a super expensive car, and moved to an apartment well beyond his means. He became an arrogant snob who constantly acted like he was better than everyone. Is George acting so important a little extreme? Is he hiding his true feelings about himself? Shakespeare’s Queen Gertrude might have said, “He struts around too much!”

George’s behavior became extreme, and the fact that he continued to broadcast his successes so loudly showed that he was trying to avoid facing something from others and from himself: inside, he remained insecure and afraid of failure. His extreme overt displays of confidence were reaction formation smoke screens—ego defenses—designed to hide those fears. George’s actions became extreme, beyond showing moderate self-confidence. His displays of competence and independence became so extreme, so intense, and so chronic, they betrayed in him a desperate attempt to hide his anxieties and weaknesses from others, and especially from himself.

When used as a defense mechanism, reaction formation—habitually, and with great exaggeration, overtly acting the opposite of how you feel on the inside—is, like all ego defenses, a form of denial. George goes by a mirror and sees an immaculately-dressed man smoking a king-sized cigar. Like Terri, that vision allows George to deny what is truly inside: a frightened, insecure wimp who finds the slightest hint of failure a dire threat to psychological stability.

Back in the day when going online and surfing the net was a novelty, I remember reading research in a psychology journal that showed a positive relationship in teenagers between going online and depression. Kids who spent a lot of time online showed higher depression scores. The interpretation, of course, was that whether time on the internet was causing depression problems, or vice-versa, it was clear that going online sacrificed valuable social interaction with others. So, 40 years ago, right out of the psychology gate, going online excessively was seen as harmful.

            Fast forward to the present. Current research shows that online use is still associated with mental issues; research also shows, however, that reaching out to others through social media can be a source of emotional support to troubled people. Years ago, troubled folks ruminating at 2am on their misery could only reach for the phone and hope they could rouse a friend to chat. Today, of course, they can post a message online, “Anyone out there who can talk to me? I’m really feeling down and could use some support.”

            Sure, some nutcase could respond and add to the problem, plus cases of cyber-bullying are well-known. In spite of those risks, the potential of social media for providing emotional comfort is well-documented, and many mental-health professionals believe that the positive possibilities from using social media can outweigh the risk of making a problem worse. The key, of course, is how the platform is used, knowing how to be on guard, and being able to terminate a dangerous contact immediately.

            There’s a coping lesson in all this: One size seldom fits all. There’s nothing inherently good or bad about going online to seek some comfort; social media can be comforting and it can be damaging. Just because you know someone who was emotionally ravaged by some online exchanges does not mean that will happen to you. Your friend’s poison could be your salvation.

            The problem is, when people are troubled they want to believe that one size fits all, that what worked for Jennifer or Ken will work for them. And that is the danger you must guard against: When looking for help to develop effective coping strategies, you must not focus on the method; you must focus on whether the method brings out appropriate reactions from you. It’s no different than taking a prescription. A particular drug may work wonders for your friend, but produce terrible side-effects in you. Friend’s medicine, your poison.

            One final thought: Whether going online or seeking other methods to obtain coping help, there is no magical solution, no panacea for your issues. You must do the work. Too many people reach out to others for help, but with the expectation that others will wave some wand and all will be OK. Coping just doesn’t work that way. Do you want better results from your coping efforts? Then be prepared to work for them.

Another dark night? Eyes fixed on that glowing screen as you dig into the internet looking for something, anything, that will give your life meaning? You probably think you have found it, but you haven’t. That screen is entertaining and informative, but it’s also full of fake stuff, especially the stuff that talks about your mind. One thing that’s really bugging you tonight is whether to unfriend someone who lately has been a source of irritation and stress for you.

Dr. Carlea Dries has some advice when you’re faced with this dilemma. “Several years ago, I facilitated a group with a few ‘tween’ and teenage girls. Alyssa was describing an issue she was having with Sarah, from another town. Sarah was bullying Alyssa by consistently posting degrading, hurtful, and offensive comments on Alyssa’s wall. Alyssa felt trapped, helpless, and disheartened. A member of our group innocently said, ‘Why don’t you just block her?’ This simple suggestion changed Alyssa’s perspective on the situation as she suddenly realized she had an option that would allow her to regain power and control over the situation.  

            “The next time the group met, Alyssa proudly reported that she blocked Sarah and felt a lot better after doing so. Christina asked Alyssa if she had any guilt about blocking Sarah, who was once a friend. Alyssa said it never occurred to her that she should feel guilty. ‘Why should I feel guilty? Sarah was being nasty so I stopped it.’ Christina replied that she would have just hidden Sarah from her newsfeed, and added, ‘What if Sarah noticed and called you out on it? What would you do?’ As we discussed these issues it became apparent to the group that everyone has different thresholds for emotions. Whatever the threshold, however, the key is to search for options that will provide a sense of empowerment, and remember that there are often several solutions to issues. You always have a choice, and you should do what makes you comfortable. Alyssa chose to block Sarah; Christina would hide her.  

            “Bullying is not the only time blocking may be appropriate. For some people the barrage of special photos that are posted to social media (such as, new baby, first day of school, family outings, holidays) can be overwhelming, especially when grieving a loss. You may choose to avoid social media when those posted triggers are around. You may choose to block (or hide) the friends or family who routinely share pictures that you find upsetting. The thing to remember in all of this, of course, is that you have the power. 

            “You might ask, ‘Isn’t blocking someone really just avoiding an issue?’ That’s a valid and fair question, but the answer is no! In Alyssa’s case, blocking is not avoidance because she is taking a proactive and empowering step, taking charge to control an issue. Exercising power and control when appropriate is the gold standard of coping when confronted with social media challenges. In fact, not trying to empower yourself will prevent you from coping effectively with the challenge. So, when it comes to social media and those who just bring you bad vibes, go ahead and hide or block them; you will ultimately feel a sense of control when you scroll through your newsfeed. Block, hide, or unfriend; do what brings you that sense of empowerment.” 

Natalia is the scourge of the neighborhood. She lives alone in a house owned by her mother in a quiet, middle-class neighborhood that Natalia does everything she can to disrupt. In Winter, she does not clear snow off her section of sidewalk; in Summer her front yard is full of weeds; in Fall she does not rake her leaves; she goes out of her way to annoy her neighbors, and gets especially belligerent when she has “had a few.” On several occasions neighbors have called the police, and once she pushed an officer in anger. That action resulted in her arrest and an appearance before a judge, who fined her—mom paid the fine—and ordered her to undergo counseling.

Natalia was raised by an indulgent, overprotective mother, and a cold, distant father. Thanks to mom she developed a strong sense of entitlement, and she constantly sought—unsuccessfully—attention from her father. Right before her high school graduation she became pregnant by her boyfriend, Jan. Both Natalia’s and Jan’s parents insisted they get married right away. Their first child was a boy, followed by another boy three years later.

When the older boy reached his first birthday, Natalia’s dad began to take an interest in him, and he began to spend more and time with “my grandson.” Natalia was thrilled because she had more contact with dad and got to know him at last. But suddenly and unexpectedly, her dad died. Natalia was crushed with grief, but at the same time, mad as hell at her dad for “deserting me again.” Her unresolved abandonment anxiety of childhood was resurrected and affected her entire life. She turned her inward anger toward dad onto Jan—and people in general—and slowly began to alienate him. Only mom escaped her wrath because she continued to indulge Natalia’s every whim.

The kids were 12 and 15 when Natalia and Jan divorced. Natalia moved in with mom—the house referred to earlier. After a couple of years mom remarried and moved to live with her new husband. Still the overindulgent mom, she let Natalia and the kids continue to live in the house, and she continued to pay the mortgage and house maintenance costs. Life was tough on the kids: Natalia had a parttime job that covered her grocery and gas expenses, but she had developed a drinking problem that strained the budget. There was also a steady stream of men who frequented her home at night. Living with her was extremely stressful, and each child left home upon turning 18. Natalia’s abandonment anxiety again consumed her, and as time went on, her unresolved family anger manifested itself more and more in public, much to the consternation of her neighbors.

After several months, Natalia’s court-ordered counseling ended and she went her way. She never really profited from her sessions because she wasn’t at all motivated to work on her problems, which were deep and excessive. She said, “I’m only here because the judge will put me in jail if I’m not.” She made no progress in resolving her anger issues, and during her drinking/drug-use binges her thinking became incoherent, irrational, and paranoid. She showed many borderline personality-disorder symptoms, and comorbidity with histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial conditions. The prognosis for Natalia is not good, and she will likely continue to be the scourge of the neighborhood.

If you’re concerned you may have some repressed anger resulting from unresolved issues, especially from childhood and adolescence, here are some warning signs: chronic stress or anxiety; feeling sad or depressed a lot; sarcasm or cynicism when talking with others; feeling bitter, envious, or resentful of others; avoidance of difficult emotions; becoming defensive when accused of being angry; frequent shutting down and isolating yourself; complaining when things don’t go your way; holding grudges and ruminating on things that upset you. What can you do about this inner anger? Recognize it and accept the reality of its presence; go to counseling; recognize the triggers that bring it on and seek ways to manage those triggers; deep breathing; enlist your support network—not your enabling network.

Pharmaceutical company advertisements tell consumers that their anxiety, depression, or other psychological difficulty results from a “chemical imbalance” in the brain, and their product will restore balance. One can argue that being told you are depressed because you have a neurotransmitter deficiency is analogous to being told you have a headache because you have an aspirin deficit in your body. You take the aspirin, the imbalance is removed, and the headache goes away. Unfortunately, if the headache is caused by family or school pressures, trying to keep a friend’s secret, or some other problem the aspirin is not affecting, your headache will return.   By the same token, if your psychological symptoms are caused by an inability to deal with personal difficulties in life, those symptoms may linger in spite of taking psychiatric medication; the drug is not solving your difficulties.

Psychiatric medication can be helpful in many cases involving psychological symptoms. Its use, however, should not be jumped into without considerable thought and advice from a variety of professionals. Medicine is only one arm of the mental health system; you should also listen to psychologists, social workers, and counselors who bring a variety of perspectives to the table. Also, remember that taking multiple drugs can have unexpected side effects, and affect the brain in ways we still do not understand. For instance, there is evidence that certain types of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic medications can increase the risk of dementia. Furthermore, there is evidence showing that standard (not psychiatric) prescription medications taken for a variety of physical ailments, can result in mood disorders, especially depression, and make one highly susceptible to extreme complications, even suicide.

Sometimes parents are conflicted when psychiatric meds are recommended for their teenage, or even younger, kids. When young people are the clients, whose brains are still developing, potential dangers can be magnified, and the caution about getting multiple perspectives is even more crucial. Whether children or adults, however, when considering psychiatric medication for your problems, go into it with your eyes open. Such medication can be a huge help to many people; it can also be a big waste of time—and carry health risks—for many others.

The candidacy of Kamala Harris is resurrecting the old chauvinistic attitudes of women’s appropriate place in society, and stoking the pre-Betty Friedan anxieties of women in America. Prejudicial attitudes toward women have never died out, but for the past 60 years they have largely been dormant. Now, however, thanks to high-profile conservative politicians, childless women are described as second-class, and exaltation of family values trumps women’s career aspirations. Furthermore, it is not adulterous men who threaten those values; no, it is working—especially childless—women who are the threats. Yes, ladies, it’s back: you belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or you are a traitor to your gender and country. As society rushes toward more conservative values, conservatives push the message that the working woman is in a pressure-cooker environment that renders her too tired at the end of the day to devote quality time to her family and other domestic issues. The family suffers. From a psychological perspective, this is an unsubstantiated and unfair characterization that puts needless pressure and guilt on many women. Working women listen carefully: it is the quality of time with your family that matters, not necessarily the amount of time. Your career is not an inherent threat to your family.

There are some interesting research findings in this area. Working women are usually found to be psychologically and physically healthy. Compared to non-working women, those who work show lower cholesterol levels; have a lower incidence of general illness; are less depressed; and say that their job gives them an outlet for the stresses of domestic duties. These findings do not mean that stay-at-home moms should get out there in the workplace so they can be healthier! The point is, if women are doing what makes them comfortable and satisfied, they’re going to be fine. Many moms want to be stay-at-home caregivers, and doing so gives them satisfaction, pleasure, a sense of purpose, and a healthy slice of personal identity. Some moms extend this role when the kids reach school age, and they home school the kids.

Other women, however, may want to pursue a career outside the home, even if they have young children. Doing so, of course, sometimes carries the danger of instilling guilt: “Am I doing what’s best for my spouse and kids? Am I thinking about them, or am I being selfish and thinking only of myself?” To all you working moms out there, you have no need to fear playing multiple roles—career woman and mom—and still providing an emotionally rich and healthy environment for your kids, spouse, and yourself. With appropriate planning, organization, and flexibility, you can cope quite well.

If you are having some guilt about work causing separation from your children, here are some things to consider. They are obvious and simple things, but most actions that help you cope effectively are obvious and simple: Remember that working is not the issue; the things you do with your kids after work is the issue. You can involve the kids in dinner preparation, even if it means removing take-out from boxes. Help your kids with their homework every evening. If they’re not yet in school, do some learning activities with them that are appropriate for their level of cognitive development. Do physical activities with them, again ones appropriate to their developmental level. Schedule a special “talking with mom” time each evening. This is their time with you, so let them determine the direction of conversation. If they are involved in formal school activities like sports, plays, band, etc., support these activities and attend events.

We bet you could add lots of actions to this list. Just remember that effective coping actions do not have to be complex. Problems tend to develop when we complicate issues, so focus on the obvious and simple things. One final note: although we directed our comments at moms, they also apply to dads. Men often serve as primary or co-primary caregivers, either as single dads or as working dads whose wife is also working. We didn’t mean to leave you out guys, so consider our effective coping actions as also applying to you. Comfort level is the key. In fact, whether man or woman, heading home on Friday for a weekend with the kids after a particularly tough week might be very pleasant and invigorating. By the same token, heading to work on Monday after a weekend of dealing with diapers, tantrums, and crying might be equally pleasant and invigorating!

            Scottie Davis Winslow of Optum Consulting asks working people, “How can you achieve that balance between the demands of the workplace and the obligations of everyday life outside the workplace?” Those obligations could be as simple as grocery shopping and picking up the cleaning, or more involved like finding time to be with spouse or children and caring for elderly parents. No matter what the obligation, when work interferes with everyday life you can suffer significant stress. How should you handle it? Some of Winslow’s suggestions:

            Identify your goals and values and make sure family, friends, and those depending on you understand where you’re coming from. [We often point out in this blog how you need to link your values to your coping actions.]

            Communicate to others the various parts of your life, your priorities, and seek others’ help in achieving them to everyone’s satisfaction. For instance, if your kids understand and accept that you are not available for them all the time, they are likely to be more willing to work with you to find that quality time with them on a regular basis.

            Do not get into the perpetual “apology” mode. Do you frequently feel guilty and say, “I’m sorry”? Do you feel that the things you do for others must always take precedence over what you need to do for yourself now and then? Sometimes effective coping requires you to be a little selfish and tend to yourself. Don’t be afraid to include yourself in your priorities. Ignoring your physical and mental well-being to serve others can be destructive in the long run. [Humility is one cornerstone of our model of effective coping. That means to remember that you are not the prime ingredient in all you do, and you should not take yourself too seriously. It does not mean you must subjugate yourself to the whims of others.]

            Regularly monitor and adjust your daily priorities to meet unexpected situations. Plans go awry; circumstances change; new priorities insert themselves into your daily routine. Your task is to adjust, adapt, and let your coping efforts evolve to meet the changing requirements in your daily life. [Adapting to change is accepting reality, another cornerstone of this blog’s coping model.]

            Winslow offers some useful and proactive suggestions, and we regularly touch on them in this blog. Woman or man, husband or wife, these suggestions can greatly improve one’s coping skills. And let’s not forget an additional piece of reassurance specifically for working moms. Did you know that women who work are often better off psychologically and physically than women who don’t? Now don’t take that statement as criticism of stay-at-home moms. Many such moms are perfectly happy, and some working moms are miserable. Keep your coping efforts relevant to your needs.

There’s a lot of denial out there. People deny that it’s time to go to the dentist to check out a tooth that’s bothering them; older workers say, “Not ready to retire yet; I can out work anyone on the line”; grandpa refuses to give up the car keys; a woman’s son is in and out of trouble with the cops, but she insists, “He’s doing fine; just trying to find himself.” And on it goes. In the world of psychology, denial boils down to avoidance of facing challenges, and admitting who you are and what you can do when you are faced with stress. Denial is avoidance, and avoidance is the primary obstacle to coping with stress. When you are struggling to cope with stress, ask yourself, “What am I avoiding?”

If you work hard to avoid stress in your life, you will stop living! Stress is a vital part of being alive, and trying to eliminate it is a losing strategy. In fact, you’ll end up not only alone, but also lonely. You’ll suffer despair, helplessness, and hopelessness; your self-esteem and confidence will be in the toilet; your world will spin out of control, and the next stop on your life path will be, sorry to say, depression.

Stress, challenges, obstacles, hard work, frustration, anger, anxiety, and a host of other things you prefer to avoid must not be avoided. Challenges are a part of life, and those bothersome emotions are a part of you, not alien invaders. To try and avoid them will compromise your very being. So rather than avoid, attack! Confront challenges, meet them head on, deal with them, and try to resolve them. Accept your emotions as a part of who you are, and use their energy to empower yourself. Effective coping does not mean whining about how unfair it all is, or wearing a badge saying “anxiety sufferer” on your chest. Those are avoidance actions. Rather, strengthen yourself by downsizing that ego of yours and go into attack mode! Confront the stress and face the fact that you have some weaknesses. The result will be that you become stronger and better equipped to cope with everyday stresses.

Going into attack mode is difficult, and it may sound impossible to do, but if you are willing to play by the rules, you can learn how to devise a plan to have more meaningful, satisfying, and productive outcomes in your life. Your plan must include specific actions to take. Avoidance actions? No, not unless you have no control over the person or the situation, and in that case, you must disengage and avoid. Directing personal empowerment at events over which you have no control is a waste of time and self-defeating. Focus on those things you can control: your thoughts and your actions.

In carrying out your plan remember to live in the present, accept your emotions and the stress in your life, learn from your failures, and keep in fighting shape with healthy exercise and diet. Above all, remember that positive actions are more powerful than positive thoughts, so structure your plan around positive actions. Here are some suggestions: Stop apologizing to yourself or others for being emotional in certain situations; channel your stress into productive activities like volunteering and serving others, joining a gym, taking a surprise family outing, having lunch with friends, or other enjoyable things. Keep a record of when you feel stressed and what you are doing at the time; don’t focus on the stress or the emotions you feel, but on realistic and positive actions you can take; schedule stressful events at times when you expect relatively few demands on you; devote high-quality time to important aspects of your life, such as marriage, career, friendships and family; In confrontational situations, take slow, deep, steady breaths and concentrate on making calm but assertive comments; monitor and modify your negative, self-defeating thoughts.

That last item is important. People often ask, “How do I control my thoughts? How do I stop thinking negative things, self-critical thoughts? How do I handle all those ideas that are downers and torment me?” How about this: perform positive, constructive actions that bring you a sense of satisfaction and empowerment. Do that workout at the gym; serve lunch to the homeless in a soup kitchen; call a friend and say, “I was just wondering if you had anything going on that I can help you with.” Then you can think about those actions during the day. Not only will you be teaching yourself to think positively, but you will also get a sense of fulfillment, peace, and competence. You’ll feel better about yourself, with the added benefit of being less stressed out.

Relationship problem? Ask yourself some questions: (1) Who do I feel I have to be in this relationship to make it work? (2) Do I like myself in this role? (3) Does this relationship help me expand my own sense of self? (4) What pronoun predominates my conversations—“I” or “We”? (5) How well do you feel your partner knows you? (5) Does the relationship make you want to be a better person? Questions like these can help you determine if your relationship is one of codependency. Definitions of codependency vary, but most a focus on the idea of self-sacrifice: one partner suppresses their own emotions in favor of the partner’s feelings, and attempts to control or fix other partner’s problems. For an example, let’s consider Donna.

Donna had an alcoholic, lazy father, and a co-dependent mother who generally lived in denial about problems in the family. The mother was very good at making Donna feel guilty if she did not help around the house. She also sought sympathy from Donna for being such a martyr in putting up with Donna’s no-good father. Donna remembers her father as an alcoholic since she was twelve years old: “He was a lawyer but was unemployed much of the time. He sat around and watched TV all day. Mom basically enabled this behavior by acting like nothing was wrong or that he just wasn’t even around. It was weird,” Donna remembers. “He always managed to leech money from her for his addiction. I’ve often wondered why I felt unemotional during my high school years.”

Donna met Phil while living at home and in college. Phil was in counseling for ADHD, anger management, bipolar disorder, and depression. Donna still found him attractive, plus she believed she could help him. After they had been dating for about a year, Donna began going to counseling sessions with Phil because they had begun having some problems in their relationship. She felt he was trying to control her life, watching her every move, and making considerable demands on her. For instance, he was calling her on the phone several times a day, asking what she was doing, not in a casual “How is everything?” tone, but in a confrontational “Are you behaving?” tone. Invariably, an argument would begin during the calls. When asked about the obsessive calling, Phil said he could not stop himself. He said, “I would heat up in a blind rage. I couldn’t control myself. I just had to know what Donna was up to and try to control her.” Phil came from a family that had a lot of money, and he was used to getting whatever he wanted. His entitlement expectation grew and continued into adulthood, and he developed a lot of narcissistic traits.

One day while eating out with friends, Donna and Phil had a huge fight after she innocently offered some food to one of his friends. After they left the restaurant and were in the car in the restaurant parking lot, he blew up and literally screamed at her: “You were flirting with him all night. If you want him, get the hell out of my car.” She jumped out and had to run to catch up with the other couple to get a ride home. Meanwhile, Phil sped by them recklessly in the parking lot. Phil would often drive dangerously when Donna was in the car, and threaten to kill himself, saying things like, “How about if I kill myself? Would you like that? I’m driving fast now. I’m gonna kill myself and it’ll be your fault.”

Donna, ever self-sacrificing, stayed with Phil for more than three years. In spite of the rough moments, she found him mostly sweet, fun, and romantic. She also felt they had a lot in common. It took her a long time to realize that his kindness was usually serving a purpose for him; Phil was simply a very manipulative, controlling, dominating type. For instance, after a big fight he would be sweet to her, crying and saying, “I’m sorry, I love you so much.” Then, he would bring her flowers or candy. Donna says, “He was the best boyfriend, and the worst boyfriend.”

Finally, Donna gave Phil an ultimatum: Change his ways or she was walking. Phil kicked the manipulative moves into high gear, but she stuck to her guns, although only with great effort and help. She eventually had to have her friends next to her to help her break up with him over the phone. She said, “I would not have been strong enough to break up with him alone and face-to-face. He was just too strong.”

Donna gained much by ending her relationship with Phil. She also continued in counseling and acquired much insight into the dynamics underlying her own actions, and those of significant others like her mother and father, whose influence put her on the road to becoming a self-sacrificer. Her progress showed her potential to develop a solid marriage and family life, should she meet an appropriate partner in the future.

Do you care too much about what other people think of you? Are you frequently self-conscious in situations when others are around, and find yourself obsessing about questions you direct at yourself: “Do they hate me?” “Am I weird to them?” “Do they think I’m a klutz?” “Why can’t I be better?” “Why do I worry so much about what people think?” That last one is a good question because you have no control over what others think about you. What you do have is some control over your reactions when you think others are “sizing you up,” and—in your mind at least—deciding you’re not very competent. You might be willing to admit that your concern is pretty irrational, and should be discarded. Ah, but that’s easier said than done, isn’t it? After all, challenging your own rationality is difficult. There are, however. some “first steps” you can take to begin the process.

First, keep reminding yourself that you have no control over what others think about you. Try this self-talk: “Their thoughts are their problem, and there’s no need for me to make their problem my problem.” That kind of reminder can help you focus on you and not on them; you can exercise some control over the former, but not the latter. The fact is, the best way to stop worrying about what others may think of you is to become comfortable with yourself, who you are—your strengths, weaknesses, and someone who works to be the best they can be. Instead of ruminating over what others think, find activities—especially those that help others—that give you a sense of self-esteem and self-worth, activities that help you feel “secure in your own skin.”

Second, it helps to be alert for specific situations where wondering what others think becomes an anxiety issue for you. In those situations, consider clearing the air by asking them. If you’re losing sleep over someone you’re pretty comfortable with—like your work colleague who lately seems to be acting “different” when you’re around, or your best friend who suddenly seems too busy to talk—a simple solution to your distress is to straight-up ask them:  “You know, sometimes I wonder what you think of me, especially when you’re watching me do something. And lately you always seem busy when I’m looking to chat awhile. What’s with that?”

Finally, remember that obsessing over what others may be thinking about you isn’t going to make your worries go away or make you feel better. One thing that will help you with that is for you to engage in activities that bring you a sense of satisfaction and make you feel useful and less anxious. Such engagement is largely under your control, and can help you focus on finding and being yourself and all you can be, rather than stressing about living up to the expectations of others.

One Saturday morning, Marty got fed up with himself and told his wife: “I’m tired of worrying about how Ben [his next-door neighbor] seems to want to hang out with Phil [another neighbor] more than me. I swear I spend too much time on the lookout for Ben so I can go next door and ask him if I can help him with anything. I think I’ll drive down to the community center and help out with that food distribution program I read about in the paper.”

Marty got home 4 hours later. His wife said, “Wow! They must have kept you busy.” He replied, “You wouldn’t believe the size of this operation. I’ll bet we had 20 volunteers packing up food boxes for distribution. Sally and Adam from down the street were there. We loaded everything into car trunks and headed out to deliver. Everyone had a list of addresses. It was so well organized and the people were so appreciative. I really felt useful and can’t wait for next week. You’ll have to come along.” “Maybe so,” she said. “Oh, by the way, Ben is looking for you to help him with something.” “OK,” Marty said, “maybe later. Right now I have to call Daniel who runs the community food program. When he heard I worked in marketing, he asked if I could help him design some PR strategies for getting more volunteers.”

Reaching out, serving others, and doing things that make you feel useful and bring you satisfaction: A perfect antidote to self-doubts and worrying about what others think of you.