Author: thecopingblog

Stress is a part of life. Unfortunately, most people try hard to avoid it, which is too bad because avoidance will only strengthen your stress, and it will eventually overwhelm you. How many times have you watched a sporting event where a large lead for one team slowly gets smaller? The announcer says, “The game is slipping away because they’re no longer playing to win; they’re playing not to lose.” The same is true with raising kids, a job, your marriage, your friendships—no matter what the circumstance, when you try to avoid the negative emotions that can come along, you will lose. Whether your stress creates anger, guilt, loneliness, frustration, or depression, you must accept the fact that those emotions are not your problem; your problem is the avoidance actions you take in response to the emotions. When you stop seeing those emotions as the problem, and accept that the problem is the lack of pleasure and satisfaction in your life, you have something concrete in your life to focus on—actions that bring satisfaction and pleasure. Your task when coping with stress is to take positive actions that bring satisfaction and meaning to your life. The emphasis changes from concentrating on an emotional state, to concentrating on behaviors and thoughts that can bring you more satisfaction. When coping with stress, it’s a big difference.

As of August 2025, 22 states and Washington, D.C. have enacted laws or policies banning or restricting cell phone use in K-12 schools. One survey found 72% of high school teachers cite cell phones as a major problem in their classrooms. My county school board has joined in and banned cell phones during class hours for elementary and junior high; a high-school ban is coming. Educators feel that removing cell-phone use during class hours will help maintain student focus, improve learning, and foster better mental health.

The focus on cell phones in school reflects a concern among adults not only of academic achievement, but also about social-media effects on emotional and social development throughout adolescence. Consider, for instance, Maslow’s influential hierarchy of needs, a motivational theory in psychology that categorizes human needs into five levels: Biological needs for food, water, shelter, warmth, and sleep; Safety needs for security, stability, and protection; Belonginess needs for love, and connections with others through live personal interactions; Esteem needs for self-esteem, and respect from others; Self-Actualization needs for self-fulfillment and personal satisfaction. During adolescence, belongingness needs are prominent. I think we can safely say that if Maslow were forming his theory today, he would substitute neither wi-fi connections nor number of virtual friends for hands-on, live interpersonal social interactions.

Adolescence involves increasing social interactions with peers, entering romantic relationships, and assuming more adult actions in the family. These changes require open communication, and experiencing and interpreting face-to-face emotional expression that will help the adolescent acquire social and conflict-resolution skills, and satisfying relationships. No cell phone can meet those requirements. Restricting their use in school is a good idea.

            People high in self-efficacy are “hardier” and deal with stress more constructively. People high in self-efficacy believe they can cope with pretty much whatever comes their way. As most of us can attest, life can throw curves. However, life is much less stressful for people who believe in their capacity to handle stressors, even unexpected and large ones. People who are hardy and have high self-efficacy thrive on challenges and do not try to avoid them. When stressors mount, people high in self-efficacy see themselves as coping successfully. They remind themselves they have always come through difficult situations in the past, and they have no reason to doubt their ability in the present. They remain effective in tough situations. And they don’t forget the helpful influence of others. People with solid support systems respond to stress much better than those with weak support systems. Social support gives confidence and strength. Many clients say just knowing that others are listening and have similar problems helps make them feel less weak and alone. Social support has been linked to lowering blood pressure, increasing immune system functioning, and reducing feelings of depression. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with stress, ask yourself these questions: “Do I have trusted friends and relatives I can turn to for help? Am I using them? Do I believe in myself? Am I facing my challenges or avoiding them?” If you answer “No” to these questions, it does not mean you are mentally ill. But, you might want to consider professional counseling to help you structure a plan to help you cope better with your stressors.

A great step in developing personal empowerment is to look others in the eye when talking to them, not in some threatening way, but in a way that signals confidence and poise. This ability is especially important when dealing with bosses at work, when interviewing for a job, with vendors you are considering hiring—in any situation you need to convey that you are serious, that you mean business, and that you are strong, assertive, and capable. My students and I have published several studies strongly suggesting that maintaining eye contact influences how we judge others. In these studies, we produced videotapes where a model in the tape listened to some instructions about a task to complete. The instructions lasted 60 seconds. In one tape, according to a pre-determined pattern, the model looked directly at the instructor for a total of 50 seconds; in another tape, the eye contact was maintained for 25 seconds; and in a third tape, the eye contact occurred only for 5 seconds.

The tapes were shown to college students who were asked to “judge” the model in the tape on a variety of personality dimensions. The same pattern of results occurred over several studies using different participants: as eye contact increased, the model was judged to (a) be more success oriented, (b) to have a more dominant, independent, and assertive personality, (c) to be more relaxed, less anxious, in-control types, and (d) to have higher self-esteem.

The “look ‘em in the eye” advice appears good, and a useful strategy for increasing the odds that you will be judged favorably by someone else. But remember—the studies described above took place in very specific circumstances and might not apply to all situations. One situation that comes to mind would be walking down a city street and approaching a group of, shall we say, threatening-looking young men. In this case, eye fixations may be interpreted as a threat. But a job interview? Cocktail party? Discussing your ideas for improving something with your boss? Look ‘em in the eye!

Vanessa said she was depressed when she entered therapy. There was, however, no clear evidence of clinical depression based on formal psychological assessment. When asked why she wanted to be in therapy, she said, “There must something wrong with me. I no longer like to do some of the things I have always done.” In therapy, Vanessa was told it may be quite natural for her to feel little pleasure from these redundant activities. When asked what activities gave her pleasure in life, she had little to offer. Her life, including her marriage, had become quite routine. Vanessa was told depression and unhappiness were not her problem; her activities were her problem, and she was encouraged to become more active in cultivating her marriage, and her relationships with friends and family. She was told how to develop goals and plans for new activities, things that did not relate directly to housework or caring for her husband, and that could partially replace activities that no longer provided sufficient satisfaction.

            Vanessa began to add some small lifestyle changes along the suggested lines. She went out to dinner more frequently with her husband and friends. She developed some new hobbies and scheduled more recreational activities. She joined a bowling league and began doing volunteer work at the library and the hospital. Before too long her days were filled and she had to begin cutting back a bit. After only a few therapy sessions, she was on the road to a happier, more satisfying, lifestyle, and she agreeably terminated therapy.

            Vanessa’s case was simple to solve. She needed to identify her problem—which was not her unhappiness, but her activities—and modify her life in ways that were under her control. Her case, however, carries some important lessons. Remember, she entered therapy saying she was depressed. Had she made that comment to a physician or to a psychiatrist, she would have most likely been prescribed anti-depressant medication. Many professionals react reflexively to the word depression, and immediately think medication. Many lay people think the same thing because they see the ads for the anti-depressant medicines in the media. Vanessa, however, did not need medication; she needed to see herself doing things that she found new, exciting, and personally rewarding. Happy pills would never have made Vanessa happy; engaging in activities she found fulfilling and rewarding, however, did make her happy.

The Cadet Honor Code at the United States Military Academy says, “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do.” The Code at the Air Force Academy says, “We will not lie, steal or cheat, nor tolerate among us anyone who does. Furthermore, I resolve to do my duty and to live honorably (so help me God).” The Honor concept at the United States Naval Academy is more detailed: “Midshipmen are persons of integrity: They tell the truth and ensure that the truth is known. They do not lie. They embrace fairness in all actions. They ensure that work submitted as their own is their own, and that assistance received from any source is authorized and properly documented. They do not cheat. They respect the property of others and ensure that others are able to benefit from the use of their own property. They do not steal.”

Honor plays a large role in the mission of our military academies. But honor should also be an integral part of your daily living because guiding your actions with a personal code of honorable and ethical principles—I do this because it is the right thing to do and will benefit not only myself but also others—will help you to live your life with yourself and with others in a way that helps you to avoid narcissism and self-serving actions. These principles will allow you to look in the mirror with satisfaction at the end of each day and say, “I did OK today.”

To conduct a critical examination of your coping honor, here are some basic questions  – you might ask yourself on a regular basis:

“Do I try to deceive and manipulate others for my own selfish ends?”

“Do I care when I see others being deceived?”

“Are my actions based on selfish entitlement to gain unfair advantage of others?”

“Am I able to understand how others feel when they are troubled?”

“When I consider my actions toward others, do I ask myself how I would feel if I were at the receiving end of those actions?”

Keep in mind that you also have a right to challenge others so you can vaccinate yourself against excessive dependency on them. Thus, you should also ask honor questions about actions others direct at you:

“Do others try to deceive and manipulate me for their betterment?”

“Do others seem to care about my feelings?”

“Are others’ actions based on selfish entitlement to gain unfair advantage over me?”

“The things others ask of me–how would they feel if I asked the same of them?”

Posing such questions can engage you in the critical thinking required for resisting excessive dependence on others, and facilitating the development of honorable coping.

You must learn to look in the right places to manage yourself. For instance, are you stressed because you’re unhappy? Psychology research has isolated five psychological needs as most related to life satisfaction: the need for self-esteem; the need for relatedness; the need for independence and autonomy; the need for competence; the need to make sense out of personal experiences. That last one is interesting. Apparently, we want to have a life that is meaningful and coherent; we need to have reasons to get up in the morning and face life’s struggles and complexities; our efforts must make sense. A life without meaning cannot facilitate happiness. The bottom line is that happiness must be seen in a context of doing things and exerting effort in ways that bring you satisfaction, not in a context of acquiring things. You must evaluate your life with respect to creating, learning, trying, working—all are verbs conveying actions that you enjoy doing and that make you feel useful, worthwhile, and personally alive. Many posessions can make you feel pleasure and be happy for a time, but only your thinking and your behavior can bring you enduring personal satisfaction. Fortunately, you can control your thinking and your behavior, the two things that can bring you satisfaction, and that make stress just another aspect of life that you can enlist in your coping efforts.

If you cope with everyday problems by using alcohol, you are on a dangerous path. Regular use of booze for reasons other than just to be social has a way of expanding and taking control, and alcohol becomes a crutch, a necessity for dealing with life. If you reach that level, you would do well to give it up entirely. Some argue that people with drinking problems can learn to be moderate social drinkers, but for many, going down that road can also be dangerous to your stability.

            Henry’s parents met in Alcoholics Anonymous when they were both recovering alcoholics. They began dating, fell in love, and married. Dad was 42 and mom was 40. Mom quickly became pregnant and Henry was born normal and healthy. Henry grew up never seeing his parents take a drink. Yes, they kept alcohol in the house, and when they entertained they offered alcohol to their guests, but they neither provided a drinking role model for the son nor did they preach to him about the evils of alcohol. When Henry was old enough to understand and the subject of alcohol consumption came up, they willingly told him their stories. They explained they were simply unable to control themselves when it came to alcohol consumption. As adherents to the 12-step format in AA, they decided they were powerless when it came to booze, and they chose to eliminate it from their lives.

            Like many teenagers, Henry soon discovered alcohol for himself. He loved it! He thrived on the intoxicating effects. The “buzz” his friends experienced, the pleasure they felt from alcohol, was experienced a hundred-fold in his case. Henry found it very easy to deal with typical teenage stress and angst by slugging down a few beers or a few shots of “Jack.” Gradually, staying at some level of intoxication was his way of dealing with stress. He basically went through high school and college in an alcohol-induced fog. His youth and possibly inherited biochemistry enabled him to function through so-called hangover periods. In fact, he quickly learned that a stiff shot could cure those hangover blues.

            Eventually, Henry’s booze-infested world came crashing down. He landed a good job out of college, but after about five years his work began to deteriorate. The thing that really brought him down, however, was the damage his drinking was doing to his romantic relationship. One night Henry arrived at his fiancé’s apartment. They were going out to dinner. He had obviously already been drinking. She told him to sit down at the kitchen table. She put a bottle of booze in the middle of the table, and sat across from him. She looked him squarely in the eye and said, “There’s your choice. That bottle or me! Choose one right now. Not just for tonight. Forever! You will walk out the door tonight with one of us, and the other you will eliminate from your life. If you choose the bottle, we are done. If you choose me, you are done drinking. For good.”

He had been drinking earlier, but something in her tone, something in her eyes, cut right through the fog and rammed him in his gut like a spear. “I literally had to gasp for air,” he said. “I chose her. I decided she was more important to me than booze, so I quit. She made it clear to me, no half-way stuff; no social drinking or an occasional beer. She said I just couldn’t handle it so it was all or nothing.” He sought help in counseling. When asked, “Do you think you could drink socially? Could you exercise control to the point that you could drink in moderation?” he smiled and said, “My folks would say ‘no.’ People in AA would say ‘no.’ I don’t want to try and find out. I know many of my college buddies abused the hell out of alcohol when in college. Yet, they now can have a couple of beers and then head home. They made a choice to drink sensibly once out of school, and they could do it. Maybe I have a body chemistry that gives me only one choice. One thing for sure; why would I want to take a chance on trying to drink socially? The cost of failure would be way too high.”

For decades, the question of whether an alcoholic can learn to drink socially has been debated by psychologists. Some researchers point out the danger in arguing one cannot learn to drink socially, because saying the alcoholic can never learn to consume alcohol in moderation discourages those with drinking problems from ever seeking help. These researchers point out that there are many treatments for excessive drinking that emphasize acquiring controlled drinking patterns to overcome the problem. Others, however, argue that, like Henry, many drinkers are biochemically and behaviorally addicted to alcohol; they simply cannot learn to drink in moderation. We have seen chronic drinkers who show they cannot drink in a controlled or social way. They drink too much and too often over a long period of time. We have also worked with alcohol abusers who recognize they have a problem and are motivated to learn ways to control their consumption. We find these clients can use psychological principles to moderate their drinking, just as others can learn to gamble, use the internet, or eat in moderation.

Are you the chronic drinker who cannot limit yourself to one or two? Or, are you more of an alcohol abuser, someone who occasionally over-indulges, someone who can restrict drinking to weekends or a certain time of day, never drink when driving or caring for children, and examine the situations that encourage inappropriate drinking. We have worked with this latter type of drinker; they recognize they have a problem and are motivated to learn ways to control their consumption.

            Researchers will continue to present evidence both pro and con on the question of whether the alcoholic can learn to drink socially. As a final note, however, it can be argued that the question is irrelevant. If someone has a problem with alcohol abuse, why would that person want to control the problem only partially and try to learn moderate consumption? As long as there is a chance of “slipping” out of the moderation, why take a chance? The prudent position is to recognize, “I can control my behavior and my thinking except when I am drinking. I resolve, therefore, to take better control of my life and abstain from alcohol entirely.” Abstinence puts any excessive drinker, alcoholic or non-alcoholic (however one chooses to define those terms), on safer ground.

Have you ever reached a conclusion about yourself without any objective basis for doing so? “I’m obviously worthless and no one wants or cares about me.” Psychologists see examples of this perspective in hospitalized psychiatric patients, often from patients who were abandoned by one or both parents. Naturally, but irrationally, they assume they are unlovable. Do you torment yourself with irrational beliefs that float around in your head and throw you off balance? “I must be good at everything.” “Because something once affected me, it always will.” “I must be loved by my mother and father.” “If I don’t get what I want I will be crushed?” “I lost the game. I’m obviously a complete failure in everything I do.” “I don’t understand why you have so much work to do tonight of all nights! It’s pretty obvious to me you want to end our relationship.” You need to monitor these negative thoughts and see the relationships between these thoughts and your behavior; you need to examine regularly whether there is evidence for your negative thinking; you need to substitute more realistic thinking to reduce stress and self-defeating behavior patterns.

The first step in the process is to become aware of your irrational thoughts. Write them down when they occur. Enlist the help of friends, acquaintances, and even professionals to help you identify them. In this way, you will be able to focus more on rational courses of action to help you cope with the everyday challenges you face. List acts you can take and then find a way to do those actions, such as doing volunteer service for the elderly, homeless, disabled, etc. A basic principle in psychology is that when you see yourself engaging in actions that benefit others, you are likely to believe in yourself as a useful, productive person. Next time you find yourself confronted with a self-disparaging thought—“I lost the game. I’m obviously a complete failure in everything I do.”—reflect on your service work. There’s never any guarantee you will succeed. But by focusing on positive actions, at least you are teaching yourself to persevere even when frustrated; you are showing yourself that you are self-sufficient enough to engage in some proactive actions; and you are doing things that give you a chance to feel good about yourself. Such positive possibilities certainly outweigh marching in your personal pity parade.

            Should you admit to a shortcoming? There’s no hard and fast answer to that question but there are definitely situations when honesty can serve you well. We are not advocating that you bare your soul for all to see, but sometimes admitting to a weakness can lead others to evaluate you more favorably. For example, imagine yourself in a job interview that goes like this:

Interviewer: “This job will require you to stand in front an audience from time to time and speak to them for about 30 minutes. Does that present any problems?” Now suppose you really do suffer some anxiety when you are in front of an audience. We don’t mean you faint or tremble uncontrollably and have to run out of the room; we simply mean you get nervous, self-conscious, and would prefer not to speak in front of people unless absolutely necessary. With those conditions in mind, let’s consider two possible replies to the interviewer’s question.

            Reply A: “Funny you should ask that. I have to give presentations for my present job and the truth is, I do get a little nervous and anxious when I’m speaking in front of people. Because of that, I try to do a lot of preparation. I try to practice and rehearse what I’m going to say. When I really prepare, I find I’m less likely to stutter or forget my train of thought. As long as I know in advance about having to give a presentation, I would say public speaking is not a major problem for me, although it wouldn’t be my favorite part of the job.”

            Reply B: “No, that requirement of the job doesn’t present a problem.”

            Are you secure enough to give Reply A, or will you fall back to Reply B and worry about your problem later? You may be torn here because you figure that if you give Reply A you might not get the job; if you give Reply B and get the job, you’re screwed down the road when you have to give speeches.

In many situations, when it comes to divulging a weakness, honesty is probably the best policy, a statement supported by psychological research. For instance, psychologists asked people to evaluate the application of a hypothetical college applicant. For one group of evaluators, the application included statements from both the student and guidance counselor that some of the applicant’s grades should have been better, that in a few courses he simply did not live up to his potential. For a second group of evaluators, no such statements occurred in the application materials. The results showed that evaluators who read that some of the applicant’s grades should have been better actually rated his grades overall more favorably than did evaluators who did not have the negative observation about the grades. In another interesting study, college students had to read a paragraph and rate it for clarity. For one group, the material was precededby a statement that the paragraph was somewhat confusing. For two other groups, an identical statement either came afterthe paragraph or was never given. The results showed that the first group (statement preceding) rated the paragraph as clearer than did the other two groups. One final study: Students listened to a taped lecture by a speaker with a heavy Austrian accent. For half the students, before beginning, the speaker admitted that he had a strong accent and hoped the audience could follow him; no such statement occurred for the other half of the listeners. The results showed that the students who heard the apology rated the speaker as clearer and having more years of speaking English than did the students who did not hear an apology.

            One thing to note in these studies is that admission of a weakness concerning some ability led to more positive evaluations of the individual being described, but the positive evaluation was specific to that ability. For instance, in the college applicant case, grades were judged more favorably when the applicant admitted they weren’t always the best, but SAT scores and other measures of performance were not rated more favorably. Similarly, the apologetic Austrian speaker was judged to have more experience with English, but not someone necessarily fluent in other languages. Thus, admitting a weakness is not automatically going to have someone see you as a better person in general. Therefore, if you’re going to be honest about a weakness, keep it specific to a particular trait or action.