Author: thecopingblog

When we hear words like “molester” and “abuser,” we typically think of sexual or brutal physical attacks. In a very broad sense, however, the psychological dynamics that underlie the molester’s and abuser’s actions can also come into play in everyday relationships. When they do, the relationship is probably doomed to become a source of discomfort for all involved.

What we’re suggesting is that some of the dynamics of the molester — insecurity, immaturity, narcissism, anxiety, fear of competition and losing that competition — are at work in many everyday relationships that are in trouble.

Think about your relationships that are causing you stress and anxiety. The problem could be with a friend, co-worker, spouse, parent, child, or whomever. As a first step in helping you begin to confront the coping challenge and find actions that might help you move toward a resolution of the conflict, ask yourself some specific questions. As always, focus on the issue and keep your questions within the boundaries of, “What parts of this situation are under my control?”

The most fundamental questions are, “Am I able to maintain my individuality, my sense of self, in my relationships with others? Can I share, cooperate, compromise, respect those who disagree with me, and even admit I’m wrong, but through it all remain myself? Am I secure in my own skin?” These are tough questions requiring some honest self-assessment. The premise, however, says if you want a truly meaningful relationship, you must be pretty firm in your sense of self.

Here are some other penetrating questions: “Do I subjugate myself to his/her will, or do I feel compelled to assert power and dominance? Do I feel in competition with him/her? Do I feel I will lose the competition? Does (s)he arouse anxiety and insecurities in me? Am I behaving in childish ways?” (If you can’t relate to “childish” simply ask yourself if you deal with the person like you’re on the playground during recess in the third grade!)

Asking such questions in the context of a specific relationship can lead you to broader questions: “In general, can I work with others as someone who is stable and self-assured, or do I look for relationships to compensate for my weaknesses, insecurities, and dependency needs? Do I constantly look for attention and approval from others? Do I suffocate them with demands, possessiveness, and jealousy, trying to make them meet my wants and needs? Do I deny responsibility for problems in a relationship, and simply see others as objects to manipulate for my self-glorification?”

Is that you? Do you see others as opponents to defeat and belittle so you can declare yourself dominant? Do you regularly and hypocritically cast blame on others while never considering your own role in causing problems?

These are important questions because you’re basically asking yourself, “Do I socially and emotionally molest others? Are my relationships mostly about me?” If you’re honest with yourself you can greatly improve your self-understanding, your coping skills, and the quality of your interactions by working to minimize yourself as the primary focus. In other words, some self-analysis, even if you don’t like what you see, is well worth the effort. An honest analysis will help you modify your actions by removing yourself as the primary ingredient in your relationship recipe.

 

For over 50 years, psychologists have studied the influence of TV and movie violence, and violent video games on the behavior of young people. The issue of TV violence came up in the 1960s and was geared mainly to children viewers. The question was, “Are children likely to imitate the violence they see on TV?”

After years of research two factors emerged as definitely playing a role: The degree to which children see depictions of violence on TV as real — if they see TV as real, they are more likely to imitate the violence — and the degree to which children identify with a violent TV character — if they admire and want to be like an aggressive character, they likely to imitate that aggression. These conclusions make sense, but they beg the questions: “What makes kids more likely to see TV as real, and more likely to identify with a violent character on TV?”

Not surprisingly, the research shows the answer appears to depend on kids’ home lives. Children who imitate violence on TV have parents who are mostly cold, disengaged, and rejecting. “Can’t you see I’m busy, Danny? Go watch TV or something.” Doesn’t it make sense that children who have a non-supportive, frustrating, and anxiety-laden home life filled with criticism might turn to the more reassuring world of TV, especially content that depicts violence as a way to achieve goals?

The point is, we’re not going to take random children, place them in front of a TV to watch violent shows, and turn them into aggressive bullies or murderers. There must be other factors in the children’s lives that “fit in” with the TV violence – factors that make them vulnerable to accepting an aggressive world, and believing that aggression is the best way to resolve conflicts.

How about violent video games? Extensive research reveals that playing violent video games increases aggressive behavior, thoughts, and emotions in children and young adults. Although causation has not been firmly established, high levels of violent video game exposure have been linked to delinquency, fighting at school, assaults, and robberies. A 2018 review of 24 studies from countries including the U.S., Canada, Germany and Japan found that kids who played violent games — such as “Grand Theft Auto,” “Call of Duty” and “Manhunt” — were more likely to get in trouble at school for fighting.

A leading researcher, Jay Hull, says, “Based on our findings, we feel it is clear that violent video game play is associated with subsequent increases in physical aggression. A lot of people ask, do these games really cause these kids to behave aggressively? I would say that is one possibility. The other possibility is that it’s a really bad sign. If your kids are playing these games, either these games are having a warping effect on right and wrong, or they have a warped sense of right or wrong and that’s why they are attracted to these games. Either way you should be concerned about it.”

If we link this comment to the research on TV violence showing the influence of parents on children’s suggestibility, we might do well to focus on Hull’s statement, “…or they have a warped sense of right or wrong and that’s why they are attracted to these games.” Ask yourself, “If a young person has a warped sense of right and wrong, who is their likely teacher?” By the same token, if a young person believes that violent video games portray real options for dealing with frustrations and conflict, who is falling short in helping these kids to discriminate between what is fantasy and what is reality?

Communication, love, trust, confidence, security, openness, honesty. When conditions like these exist between parent and child, negative temptations of the internet, TV, video games, peers, predator adults, and other nefarious elements of society can be diminished. When young people are secure in their family identity, they have less need to turn to these elements – and that includes hate groups, cults, and others dedicated to indoctrination of the young, malleable mind for perverse purposes.

When children and teens know they are loved and valued, they are better able to exercise critical thinking about TV and game depictions, and internet messages; they are better able to evaluate the reliability and validity of such messages; they are better able to discern if the message is geared to indoctrination or to education. They are also better prepared emotionally to handle hateful, bullying messages from peers, and more likely to reach out to trusted adults for support and coping strategies to deal with such messages.

I remember a class several years ago when we were reviewing the research and discussing this issue. I asked, “How many of you play really violent video games where you shoot people?” About 80% of the guys raised a hand (none of the women did). “OK, how many of you go around shooting people?” No hands went up. “How come,” I asked, “given that these games can have such an influence on players?”

A student started laughing and said, “Because they’re games, entertainment! It’s not real! If you think the games are real, you’re crazy!”

How do you want to be remembered? What legacy do you want to leave behind? I’m not talking about when you die. Sure, that’s a part of your legacy, but I’m asking how you want people to remember you at the end of the day. What do you want to be your daily legacy?

If you want to get along with people – and that means communicate better with them, understand their perspective when it’s different from yours, and respect them as human beings –remember one simple thing: People will remember how you make them feel.

Imagine Betty and Frank arguing about some social issue. After going back and forth for a while Frank says, “I just can’t understand how you can believe that. You haven’t done your homework. You’re obviously biased and reached an opinion without giving it much thought.”

If you were Betty, how would you feel? You’ve not only been insulted for holding an invalid opinion, but you have also experienced condescension and arrogance. Would you be inclined to walk away and avoid any future conversations with Frank?

Suppose, on the other hand, Frank says, “I understand your argument and can see where you’re coming from. I get it but I’m looking at the issue from a different perspective and that’s part of the reason for our disagreement. I bet if we talk about this some more, we might even come to some sort of middle ground. For now, let’s just agree to disagree.”

The thing about this comment is that it probably makes you feel worthy of the discussion because it gives validity to your position.

The coping lesson here is that when you focus on how your words make others feel, and not on trying to convince them that you are correct, social interaction can proceed much more productively. Not only that, others are more likely to engage you in spirited conversation in the future. Wouldn’t that bring you a sense of satisfaction and empowerment?

 

(NOTICE: Hurricane Dorian may cause power interruptions that could delay future posts.)

One thing for sure, when you are faced with stress, one of greatest obstacles to coping is to look inward and attempt a self-analysis. This process can be counterproductive because, more often than not, you enter a world of self-doubt (“Do I have the courage and strength to recover?”), self-blame (“I should have done things differently; the whole event is my fault.”), and self-pity (“I need to let others know how I have been victimized because I deserve their sympathy.”).

These self-intrusions make successful coping with stress almost impossible because you become unable to look objectively and accurately at the challenges facing you. One excellent way to resist these ventures into a self-centered mine field is to join a support group for those who have suffered the same, or very similar, stressors. Such groups are plentiful and can be located by contacting a local mental health association, crisis hotline, or even local law enforcement.

Support groups allow you to take yourself out of your life recipe and realize it’s not all about you. This is the Golden Rule of coping and is summed up nicely by a support-group member: “In my group I discovered sympathy and empathy…I mean to the point that I realized it was not all about me. We asked the same questions, faced the same demons, and found lifelines. Since joining my group. I have felt and become more human than ever before in my life.”

 

Do you believe your thoughts and feelings cause your problems? Do you think negative states like depression and anxiety are both your problem and the cause of your problem? Do you tell yourself that such emotions are the reason you can’t form committed relationships or be able work cooperatively with others?

When you believe your emotions are the cause of your problems, you will try to manage, control, and, most importantly, avoid them. Unfortunately, when you take this approach – a suppression strategy – those negative emotions will become more frequent and intrusive in your life. Thought suppression rarely works, and results in frustration, agitation, and demeaning self-talk – “It’s all my fault.”

You must accept your feelings for what they are — only feelings. Yes, they are a part of you, but when you focus on them because you feel negatively affected and bothered by them, you treat them as a negative part of who you are. “I’m too much of an anxious person to deal with this!” If that’s your perception of yourself, you’re not going to cope well with stress.

If we have been describing you, it’s time to stop focusing on your emotions as responsible for your problems. That focus makes it all about you and who you think you are, and when you’re wrapped up in yourself you will look “inside” yourself for solutions, not “outside” yourself where genuine coping takes place.

It’s time to focus on the fact that you are stressed not because of your emotional characteristics, but because of actions you take, actions like social withdrawal, avoidance of responsibility, generating conflict with others, or hanging on in an unsatisfying relationship like some masochist. Let some air out of your ego and accept the reality that you are stressed because of actions you choose to perform. When you do so you will find it easier to engage in more productive actions, and you will be taking an important step toward more effective coping.

An important part of coping is being able to assist others in need. How do you handle things when someone reaches out to you for advice, or just wants to get a sympathetic ear? Being a listener can be challenging because you are likely to be concerned about saying the wrong thing and making things worse. Here are some examples that illustrate some good ways to respond to troubled folks.

Comment:        “Life just sucks! It’s just too hard. I’ll never be the type who commits suicide, but I’ll be damned…. I don’t care if I live another day.”

Response:        “I agree life doesn’t seem worth it at times. I imagine just about everyone has those feelings at one time or another. I’ve been there, too. But I bet most people would say that life is what we make of it. Life deals the hand, but we decide how we want to play it. Have you asked yourself what you’re willing to face, what you need to do to get more out of your life? Do you think there are better choices you can make?”

Note how this response centers on two things: empathy and empowerment. The first part of the response says, “I hear you and understand where you’re coming from because I’ve been there.” In the face of total negativity about life, the second part focuses on optimistic proactive coping strategies, using such phrases as “we decide,” “what you’re willing to face,” “need to do,” and “better choices you can make.” The point is, rather than criticize the speaker, the focus is on helping them consider positive actions when down on life.

Our next example deals with self-blame over past events:

Comment:        “I can’t get over things that happened a long time ago when I was a kid. These memories haunt me; I’m damaged forever. I can’t overcome it. It’s just no use in trying. I’ve tried but it’s no use.”

Response:        “I guess we all have our crosses to bear. Lots of people have long-term problems dealing with traumatic things. You hear about them on the news all the time. But look at all the stories of people who have moved on and learned to cope with all kinds of traumas, injuries, even death of a loved one. If they can do it, why can’t you? I bet a lot of them got some counseling. Are you willing to give counseling a try before you throw in the towel? Isn’t it at least an option?”

This commenter is hung up on the past and determined to blame those who have damaged him/her. The response points out that many people must travel a rocky road of life, and the great majority of them have grown and prospered in spite of a lousy upbringing. Then, important questions are raised to help the commenter focus on positive actions that can be taken.

In these examples, note how both responses pose questions to the speaker. Using questions tells listeners that confronting problems is up to them, and your questions imply you have confidence in their ability to do so. Also, remember that when talking to those who are troubled, you will be tempted to express your opinion. You must take yourself out of the equation, however, because the issue is not what you would do; the issue is to encourage listeners to consider proactive options consistent with their needs and abilities.

Meredith grew up in a secluded, economically and socially depressed small town. She was the oldest of five siblings and it was her job to help take care of them because mom worked and dad was chronically ill. Her parents were very domineering, and they made it clear to Meredith from an early age that she was not meeting their standards. During her teen years they reminded her again and again that she was not living up to their expectations.

Meredith’s childhood and into her teens was a life of hearing constant criticism from her parents. Their frequent scolding and emotional abuse didn’t help her develop much self-esteem or self-confidence, and she grew into adulthood believing she was pretty incompetent and unable to meet others’ standards.

Meredith graduated from high school and over the next ten years had two failed marriages, both to alcoholics. Predictably, she married men who treated her poorly. Because of her childhood, she expected poor treatment from men and, ironically, this was the type of treatment that made her comfortable. People who have psychologically painful experiences in childhood often find themselves as adults attracted to partners who re-create that childhood distress, which is something they are used to dealing with and that provides them with a sense of predictability.

Now in her 30s Meredith shows some insight into her problems and is able to talk about them openly and frankly: “Everywhere I go I see couples. It seems that there is no one made for me.” She adds, “Being alone makes me wonder if I think right. Sometimes I pray to die. Since high school the world isn’t what I thought it would be. I’m tired. I’ve worked all of my life and have nothing to show for it.”

Meredith doesn’t want to kill herself because she believes she will go to hell as a sinner. She says, however, that there is no joy in her life, only fear. She admits, “People are my downfall.” She doesn’t speak with others unless they speak to her first, and at lunchtime she eats in her car to avoid being around co-workers. These actions keep her feeling lonely and alienated. She says she doesn’t know how to get along with people, and if she tries, she figures she will fail and things will be worse than ever.

Meredith basically spends her days re-creating her childhood: She assumes she can never live up to others’ expectations, and she has put herself between a rock and a hard place. Her withdrawal from life creates a self-fulfilling prophesy because she does not allow herself to have productive social experiences that can re-program her brain. She feels so socially inept, and is so afraid of being around others, that she is unwilling to learn how to interact with others and just be herself. “I don’t care if I live or die,” she says.

This case illustrates several rules of effective coping: First, Meredith allows herself to be dominated by a concern for what others may think of her, something over which she has no control; Second, she is unwilling to develop actions in her present that will help her stop living in the pity parade of her past; Third, she keeps herself as the center of her life; Finally, she has not given herself permission to experience life. Although she continues in counseling, her prognosis is not good.

Ken and Sam were entering a restaurant. Ken went first just as a customer was leaving. Ken didn’t give way to the exiting customer, but continued ahead through the doorway, forcing the customer to step aside. Sam, however, directly behind Ken, stopped, stepped aside, and motioned to the customer to walk out before Sam entered.

Once inside, Ken said to Sam, “Why did you do that? Don’t you know that by letting that guy out you were basically telling him he was your superior? You backed down.”

Incredulous, Sam replied, “What? Being courteous shows you’re secure in your own skin, that letting someone else be first is not a threat to you. In fact, when you had to nearly push him out of the way you were showing that you couldn’t let a stranger have the upper hand. Sorry, buddy, but that shows insecurity.”

What do you think? Who was showing the better coping skill, Ken or Sam? We believe it was Sam, for the following reasons:

Many people seek a stress-free life with minimal unpleasant emotions. The problem is, that approach makes them the main ingredient in their life recipe, where they see themselves as virtuous and entitled. This approach is selfish and will fail in the long run. When it comes to coping, what you want is not there lying on the ground to be picked up and put in your pocket.

When coping with stress, don’t seek things from life; don’t just wander around looking to pick up solutions to your problems. Rather, participate in life, experience it through actions. Experiencing life allows positive emotions to emerge from your actions. Consider, for example, the case of Ken and Sam, which really boils down to old-fashioned courtesy. Polite actions put needs of another person in your coping equation. When you include others in the picture, you can feel some humility as you show yourself that others are important, and empowerment as you see you can participate with life in ways that will give you confidence. Don’t look for emotions and feelings; allow yourself to experience them by acting in ways that don’t make you the center of attention.

Ken needed to keep himself as the center of his actions, which is an ego-based strategy designed to protect a fragile sense of self. Sam, on the other hand, made the other person the focus; he showed himself that he was confident and secure within himself, and empowered to act with a social conscience.

Think about it. Feeling all stressed out, that your life is spiraling out of control, that you are suffocating? Maybe you should stop cooking with life recipes that make you the main ingredient.

What would you do if you owned a small company with 20 employees, and you wanted to increase worker morale and loyalty to the company? If you consulted a Human Resources Specialist, you would most likely get suggestions that revolved around ideas of taking care of your workers and making them feel appreciated, things that would give them a sense of ownership of the company. What would some of these “things” be?

At the top of the list would probably be compensation. You would want to make sure that you pay your people at a fair level consistent with the type of work they do. The level might be defined by pay of workers in similar jobs at other companies. Connected with actual pay, of course, would be policies governing things like vacation and sick-leave, maternity leave (both genders), bonuses, educational supplements, overtime, comp time, etc.

No doubt there would also be suggestions from your consultant to provide opportunities for advancement, alternative training and expansion of skills, plus policies that would give your workers a sense of meaning and significance about what they do. Once again, your consultant would probably focus on actions to help make your workers feel appreciated.

Let’s see if we can translate the human resources (HR) strategy into a personal coping context, and imagine how you might apply basic HR principles to your “life workplace.” We often talk about the importance of developing a coping plan when confronted with specific challenges. Let’s take that notion a step further and apply it in a broader context, moving from a specific hurdle facing you, to a general policy you can take toward yourself as one who “works” at living.

Do you pay yourself enough? Do you occasionally give yourself a “pat on the back” for a job well-done? You should. Don’t overdo it, of course. Limit your “pay” to situations where your persistence, preparation, and effort paid off.

How about “vacation” time, “sick leave,” “personal” days off? Do you indulge yourself now and then, allowing yourself to take a brief timeout from responsibilities and reserve some “me time”? You should.

Do you take actions that allow you to appreciate yourself? Self-appreciation can be much more than a pat on the back. In fact, sometimes you don’t even need that pat: “I did something today that made someone else feel good. That makes me feel good, so I should try and do stuff like that more often.” Tune yourself to be aware of the effect you have on others.

Do you have a sense of loyalty and ownership about your life? That is, do you feel responsible and empowered in your life workplace? Or, are most of your actions and beliefs the result of dependency on others? You must nurture your autonomy and independence so you can be accountable to yourself for the actions you take. That accountability, of course, applies to both your successes and failures.

Just as your company HR consultant zeroed in on policies that would make employees feel appreciated, so must you develop self-directed actions that pay attention to your needs and feelings. These actions must not become so extreme that you drift into narcissism, but should be focused on insuring you do not neglect yourself because you feel you are unworthy. Empowerment, confidence, and autonomy – all essential to effective coping — cannot proceed if you consider yourself unworthy.

 

 

Faced with life stressors, you have two choices: On the one hand, you can say the hell with it and withdraw into a protective shell. No matter how stressed out life makes you feel you just decide to live with the stress and avoid trying to do anything about it. This choice keeps you in your comfort zone, but from a psychological perspective it will turn you into a stagnant pool, a state where you exist, but are not living your life in any productive or satisfying way. This avoidance strategy makes coping with stress virtually impossible.

On the other hand, you can decide to attack the stress in your life, to accept challenges and meet them as best you can. That’s what this blog is all about. You can decide not to be ruled by your emotions, but to accept them and use them to your advantage. This choice requires more effort and focus than the first one, but we believe that the effort is well worth it in the long run. This choice also involves some basic truths about life and coping:

You can only control your thoughts and your actions.

Life must be lived in the present.

Optimism is good but must be grounded in reality.

Excessive dependency on others is the enemy of self-empowerment.

You must accept your emotions but not let them rule you.

Positive actions are more powerful than positive thoughts.

You learn more from failure than from success.

You should accept help from those you trust.

You should try to serve others when appropriate.

Your body is designed for movement, so keep it moving.