Author: thecopingblog

“Ethics, honor, accountability, integrity, honesty, and character are dead in American society.” Now there’s a wild statement. Could you, however, look around and find examples of behavior that support the statement? How about the following:

*Many parents today enable and indulge their kids by keeping them on a tight cyber-leash. When kids get in trouble, parents “bail them out.” Are those kids learning accountability?

*What do you think about the major league baseball scandal of stealing signs? Honest? Playing fair? How about the college basketball scandal where agents offered parents bribes so their kid would choose a particular school? Honorable?

*What about forgiveness of student loans? Some argue that doing so goes against the American work ethic that expects one to compete, work hard, achieve, overcome obstacles, learn from failures, and adapt to an ever-changing environment. Is college loan forgiveness consistent with that work ethic? Why not tie forgiveness to service work completed?

*How about Presidential pardons of felons who contribute to the re-election campaign of the pardoner? Ethical? Honorable?

*How many college admissions officers would agree with this statement? “We know some kids in our entering freshman class are unprepared for college-level work and will likely flunk out in their first year. But we accepted them because we need all the tuition money we can get.” Honest? Ethical?

*Have you ever heard about someone spreading lies on social media about an ex? How about posting compromising pictures to get back at someone? Social values?

*Then there are those high-profile cases of sexual abuse of young people by college employees. The Nasser case at Michigan State involving gymnasts, and the Sandusky case at Penn State involving young boys – both show shameless attempts by high-ranking university officials to cover up the misdeeds. Ethics, honor, accountability, integrity, honesty, and character all seem to have been discarded by those officials in both these cases.

*I saw a news report of a woman protesting social distancing restrictions. She said, ” I would rather die than live like this.” Putting aside the personal pity parade going on, let’s note that the translation of this comment is, “I would rather live, even if it means infecting others.” That, my friends, is what we call narcissism, and that character trait is incompatible with having a social conscience. Is this the new America, one devoid of empathy for our neighbor?

*How many physicians in America work for a medical conglomerate? How many are told how much time they get to spend with a patient, and how many patients they are expected to see daily? Is it ethical to force physicians to work within the confines of the “bottom line,” even if that potentially compromises the physician’s efforts to be a “healer”?

“Wait a minute,” you protest. “Sure, there’s a lot of unethical stuff going on out there. But that’s always been true. For every item on your list, I could find several examples of people doing great things, helping others, and showing they really care.”

I agree. The point I wanted to make is that examples of dishonorable behavior in American society are not hard to find, and that fact has major significance for coping actions. If you want to cope effectively with challenges in your life, you need a solid foundation of personal standards, values, morality, and ethics to guide you. Without that foundation, you will drift into denial and avoidance, actions incompatible with effective coping. With so much dishonorable behavior in society, it is easy to be influenced by it, which can make establishing a moral foundation more difficult, and compromise your coping efforts.

With that danger in mind, let’s ask a simple question: “What can I do to decrease my risk of getting snared in these ethical lapses?” Think back to our dishonorable actions above. Imagine that you are the President of the University where abuse accusations have been made; that you are a player on a team with some teammates cheating; that you are protesting stay-at-home orders to protect the populace from sickness; that you are a physician who wants to heal, not just meet quotas; that you work in an admissions office that has ignored your “Do Not Accept” recommendation.

In each case, assuming you have moral standards, you are being asked to act in a way that is inconsistent with those values. Will you be guided by your standards, or by the “bottom line”? If the latter, you may suffer legal consequences, rejection, or shame by others. That’s bad enough, but failing to coordinate your actions with your values can also damage your personality, disrupt your emotional stability, and compromise your identity. You will be at risk for serious psychological difficulties, such as anxiety, helplessness, and depression.

Behaving in ways that go against your morality is definitely hazardous to your psychological well-being. So, what can you do to make it easier to choose to be guided by your ethics, character, and integrity? Here are a few suggestions:

*Give up the search for happiness.

*Examine what you value and accept those things as important to you.

*Harmonize your actions with your values. Let something like happiness emerge as satisfaction from those actions.

*Cultivate humility by taking yourself out of the equation now and then.

*Allow a focus on empathy for others to take priority over a focus on “me.”

*Listen to others’ stories before you tell them your story.

*Your legacy is how you make others feel each day. Actualize yourself by establishing positive daily legacies. Engage in actions that make others feel worthwhile.

I don’t mean to suggest that instead of acting as ordered by a superior, acting in accordance with personal values is easy to do and without risk. In many of the examples we gave, for instance, the risk would be getting fired! Still, the fact remains that being untrue to your values – untrue to the person you perceive yourself to be – also carries great psychological risk.

Only you can decide which path to take. Just remember, if your actions bring you emotional distress – you feel anxious, frustrated, helpless, “burned out” – the odds are that you chose the wrong path. Take corrective action, seek help, and consider the suggestions above.

Here we are in the middle of a pandemic, and whether or not to wear a safety mask covering one’s nose and mouth in public has become a highly politicized issue. Let’s put politics aside, however, and – in a coping context – look at some psychological speculations about why some people will not wear a pandemic mask.

To get a feel for some of the dynamics I am proposing, let’s take an extreme example, a narcissistic personality disorder. Extreme narcissists have very fragile self-esteem and need regular “booster shots” of praise from others. On the outside, narcissists are the self-proclaimed omnipotent ones who claim to know best, but inside they are filled with self-doubt and feelings of incompetence, being unloved, and worthlessness. These inner core impulses are very threatening to the narcissist psyche, and must be suppressed and kept hidden or else they will flood the holder with anxiety.

Narcissists must constantly fight against letting these impulses out and having to face them. Thus, they need continual praise, support, and validation from others. Those who disagree with them, or who challenge them, must be bullied, subjugated, and defeated to provide reassurance that, “I am in charge.”

The narcissist mind is like a balloon filled with “I-am-perfect” air. If it develops a small leak that threatens the self-perceived perfection, the leak must be quickly plugged or psychological chaos will ensue. Any circumstance that threatens that I-am-perfect air must be quickly dispatched.

The pandemic mask. For a narcissist it is a leak in the balloon. The mask signals vulnerability – a need for protection. Vulnerability means weakness, and weakness is a dire threat to the narcissistic psyche: “Wearing a mask tells me and everyone that I am not perfect.”

According to this analysis, the macho bravado of going without a mask is simply to cover up the fact that, deep down, perhaps at an unconscious level, feeling incompetent, inferior, and unworthy makes the narcissist fear that wearing a mask would put those insecurities on display for all to see. For the extreme narcissist, that would be a fate worse than death.

Am I suggesting that all those who do not wear a pandemic mask in public are narcissists? Absolutely not. I am suggesting, however, that there is a strong likelihood that wearing the mask can activate internal conflicts in insecure people: the macho guy who fears showing any sign of weakness in himself; the son, daughter, or spouse who fears family criticism; the young person anxious about being ridiculed by peers; the vain woman who fears looking older or less attractive; the member of a group who fears ostracism. All these people are tormented by insecurities at some level of their mind, and the mask makes these self-doubts visible to oneself as a mirror, and visible to others as a projector.

There is, of course, a coping lesson here: Accept your emotions and your insecurities. Do not let them dominate you and point you toward denial of who you are, and toward avoidance of facing your life challenges. Rather, let your emotions guide you to making empowered decisions based on solving a problem at hand. In short, be “secure in your own skin.” Choose actions not because you want others to judge you on their terms, but because you judge your actions to be in your best interest. Knowing your limits is not weakness; it is an enormous strength.

Wearing a pandemic mask is not succumbing to your demons; it is demonstrating personal empowerment, autonomy, and confidence in being able to face risk in an intelligent way. That’s what we call coping with stress!

Your boss has sent you to represent your company at a social function, with reps from other companies, to hear a presentation on improving employee morale. You’re uneasy about this assignment because you get anxious when you’re around a lot of strangers. “Damn,” you think as you pull into the parking lot, “Let’s stay calm this time.”

Let’s stay calm? That comment is called Denial, and when you go down that road you’re doomed, like a student taking a test without studying for it. When confronted with a situation that has always made you anxious in the past, never tell yourself, “I won’t be anxious this time.” You will be anxious, but now you will be totally unprepared to deal with it.

Back to the social function. You walk into the room and fear strikes your heart as you look around and realize you don’t know anyone. And then the self-criticism begins: “I’m going to look and sound like a total idiot. They’re all going to wonder, ‘Who’s that poor soul without a friend in the world?’ I’ll never make it through this thing. If this gets back to the boss I’m screwed! I’ll just grab a drink, hang out at the food table, and wait for the program to begin. Maybe staying in the restroom until then would be better.”

Can you identify your focus? You’re obsessing about your anxiety; you are focusing directly on the emotion you’re feeling, and desperately wondering what you can do to get rid of the emotion. You’re anxious about being around all those strangers, and all you can think of is how to escape. This is a self-defeating focus that just adds to your anxiety.

You’re also focused on putting yourself down by assuming you will be the laughing stock of the room. You create a pessimistic, self-fulfilling prediction that you will be helpless in the face of your anxiety. You’re focusing on your undesirable emotion, thinking irrationally, assuming that you are not living up to the expectations of others, and seeking an avoidance strategy so you don’t have to confront and accept your fear. That is a recipe for coping disaster; you make yourself the primary ingredient in your thinking, and form a pity parade just for you.

How can you turn this agonizing situation into a challenge and not a threat? First of all, note that your task has been complicated because you began with denial: “Let’s stay calm.” Had you accepted the inevitability of your anxiety – “I’m going to walk in there and feel anxious as hell. But that’s OK; it’s who I am. What I need is a plan to work through the anxiety” – you could have prepared yourself in advance, instead of working on the fly, so to speak.

So, what can you do in your anxiety-laden situation? Various techniques are often suggested, such as deep breathing, or challenging the irrationality of your thinking. The latter would involve self-talk like, “Let’s face it, no one is paying the least bit of attention to me and my anxiety, and if they are, so what? Am I going to die? Hell, they might even know someone at my company if I bother to tell them where I work. Just head for the food and ask some folks where they work and let things go from there. Ask if they know the presenter, have ever heard her before, or ever been to an event like this. Simple stuff, small talk. These people are not here to judge me.”

Rational self-talk like that can indeed be helpful. There is, however, another technique that may work for you, one people seldom hear about it. First of all, note that your discomfort is caused by specific characteristics of the situation. In this case, it is a crowd of strangers, and when you enter the room, you automatically default to interpreting what you see as threatening. What if – instead of focusing on crowd and strangers – you focused on using additional information provided by the people in the room to speculate about them?

For instance, you survey the room and think, “I’ll use their manner of dress – color of clothing, and accessories like lapel pins and jewelry – to guess what office they work in at their company. Could be human resources, payroll, budgeting, distribution, sales…places like that. Then I’ll strike up a conversation and ask them.”

It’s simple to do, and it will help. Why? Because focusing on analyzing information helps you concentrate on a task, a problem to solve, and gets you away from focusing on your anxiety. This latter focus is emotion-based, and sets you up as a self-perceived martyr to be pitied. The former focus is task-based, and allows you to take yourself out of the equation and solve a problem.

So, you pick a guy standing over at the food table. He’s alone, not talking to anyone, and looks like he’s trying to decide on what kind of cheese to put on his cracker.

You decide that with his flamboyant tie he’s got to be in sales. You walk over next to him, stab a piece of cheese with a toothpick, and say, “How’s it going? Are you with Amalgam Products? You look familiar.”

“Amalgam? No, sorry, I’m with Fairfield.”

“Fairfield. I’ve heard it’s a great company with a quality sales department. You in sales?”

The game is on! What happened to that anxiety?

Karla’s best friend, Tara, texted: “K, stop by on your way home so I can show you my new outfit!” When Karla visited later, Tara was wearing the new clothes and said, “Don’t you just love it?”

Truth be told, Karla thought Tara looked hideous. Karla thought, “Omigod, they don’t even match. Plus, the shoulders droop on the blouse and the slacks make her look 20lbs heavier. Crap. What do I say?”

“Is this a knockout outfit or what? On sale, too, so I got a great buy.”

Karla decided she didn’t want to deflate Tara’s balloon. “She’s on such a high over this stuff I can’t bear to tell her what I think. I’ll bring her down gently later,” Karla thought to herself.

“It’s nice, Tar,” Karla said weakly. “I’m really glad you found something you like, and at such a price. You always were good at finding the bargains!”

Karla lied, right? Yes, but some might call her lukewarm praise diplomatic, tactful. She didn’t want to ruin her friend’s happy moment by being brutally honest, so she fudged a bit with a “white lie.” No harm, no foul, right?

We all do it now and then…a little deception out of respect for someone’s feelings. They treated you to a movie you hated, bought you dinner at a restaurant you hate, or gave you a present you can’t stand. In each case, you bite the bullet, thank them, and say how enjoyable it all was. Nothing to lose sleep over, as long as eventually you find a way to correct the lie.

Correct the lie. Karla could do that by waiting a couple of days and saying to Tara, “I’ve been thinking about that new outfit you got. It’s nice and you’re really good about picking clothes, but it just doesn’t bring out your natural good looks. Something’s not right…maybe the color. Hey, let’s go shopping tomorrow where you got it and see if we can get something even better!” Karla corrected the lie, complimented Tara, and involved her in improving things. That’s good coping!

Note that originally, Karla acted and spoke the opposite of how she really felt. When done in moderation, and to spare hurting someone’s feelings, we call it diplomacy, being considerate. But what if this behavior is chronic, habitual, your customary way of dealing with others to make them think you are something you are not? In this case, we have what psychologists call the ego-defense of Reaction Formation.

For instance, what if Karla didn’t feel comfortable correcting her lie? What if she was worried that doing so would make Tara mad, and jeopardize their friendship? What if she didn’t have the self-confidence and personal empowerment to suggest to Tara that the outfit really wasn’t the best choice? She sure wouldn’t suggest that they shop for something better.

But now Karla would have a problem: feeling guilty about lying to Tara, even if it was well-intended. She could be aware of the guilt or not, but either way she has created a stressful situation for herself. What to do? She could engage in reaction formation, which would involve praising Tara regularly – excessively, in fact – about her good taste, especially to others. Friends may even begin to notice: “Karla, why are you constantly reminding us that Tara should be a fashion designer because she has this incredible taste in clothes? I mean, OK, we believe you. Just let it go.”

Shakespeare said it succinctly in Hamlet, when he had Queen Gertrude comment on the insincerity of a character in a play: “The lady doth protest too much.” Karla’s friend is basically saying, “You know, Karla, the way you praise Tara all the time makes me wonder if you really mean it.” And that’s what reaction formation means: Behaving outwardly the opposite of how you feel inside, in order to hide those inner feelings that cause you anxiety.

George is 38, shorter than average, was often bullied in high school. College went OK, and after graduation he landed a job in a brokerage firm. Even though his performance was decent, he was insecure and lacked self-esteem and confidence. At work he kept a low profile so he wouldn’t stick out. He stayed in his safe zone to avoid facing his insecurities.

One day a colleague said, “Come on, George, get out of that shell. You know the market but you never put that knowledge into action. Go for it! Take some risks!”

George did just that and luck was on his side. His investment gamble brought millions into the firm almost overnight, and he went from a drone to a shining star. His whole demeaner changed. He pranced around work like the head rooster in the farm yard. He boasted about his prowess and criticized his colleagues often. He wore the best clothes, bought a super expensive car, and moved to an apartment well beyond his means. He became an arrogant snob who acted like he was better than everyone.

George’s behavior became extreme, well beyond what he could logically justify. Yes, he had his share of successes at work, but he also had failures. The fact that he continued to ride the success reputation in spite of the failures showed that he was trying to hide something from others and from himself: Inside, he remained insecure and afraid of failure. His extreme overt displays of confidence were reaction formation, smoke screens – ego defenses – designed to hide those fears.

George’s actions became extreme, beyond showing moderate self-confidence. His displays of competence and independence became so extreme, so intense, and so chronic, they betrayed in him a desperate attempt to hide his anxieties and weaknesses from others, and especially from himself.

When used as a defense mechanism, reaction formation – habitually, and with great exaggeration, overtly acting the opposite of how you feel on the inside – is like all ego defenses – a form of denial. George goes by a mirror and sees an immaculately-dressed man smoking a king-sized cigar. That vision allows him to deny what is truly inside him: A frightened, insecure wimp who finds the slightest hint of failure a dire threat to his psychological stability.

In our earlier example, Karla was not showing reaction formation when she told Tara she liked the new outfit. She was simply showing some empathy, and she corrected the deception later. We noted, however, that if she failed to make that correction, she becomes George: deceiving herself by taking on extreme actions to hide insecurities.

Keep an eye on your actions, and ask yourself if you have become George. The original Karla dynamic is an example of coping successfully with a stressful situation. The George dynamic is one of denial, avoidance, and instability, a pattern that will end up causing a lot more stress.

Are you devoted to seeking success and avoiding failure? Do you believe that achieving success is absolutely essential to building your self-esteem and sense of personal empowerment? Do you believe that failure will rob you of confidence, autonomy, and feelings of competence?

Success and failure are the great imposters of life. Think about it: Success tempts you into believing you are special, the best, the unerring captain of your ship. Failure tempts you into believing you are unworthy, incompetent, and incapable of managing your life. These false messages will make you believe that if you’re going to lead a productive and satisfying life, you must increase your odds of success in everything you do. By the same token, if you are in a situation and detect the slightest hint of failure, these imposters will have you run away, and avoid that situation in the future.

If those beliefs about success and failure describe you, you’re in trouble when it comes to coping. You have totally missed the point about success and failure: Experiencing them is irrelevant; what counts is how you react to them.

For instance, success is a terrible teacher because it doesn’t tell you what changes, corrections, and adjustments you need to make for the future. Success implies you should just keep doing what you’re doing. That can be OK until the situation changes, and situations always change.

Failure, on the other hand, is a tremendous teacher, at least when you make an effort to examine it. For instance, examining your failures will show you that blaming others will not help you improve, that you must be accountable for your actions, and that you must find solutions for your failure. Furthermore, honest examination of your failures will teach you to look for solutions that are task-based – “Next time, I need to prepare and practice before facing this challenge.” – not emotion-based – “My report would have been right on the money if my lousy boss had given me more time.”

Nearly every day you see people who, when criticized and backed into a corner, claw their way out by blaming someone or something else for their failures. Don’t model your actions after them. Doing so will make you weak and insecure, unable to accept personal responsibility for an outcome. You will focus on the emotions brought on by failure, and overreact emotionally. You will develop avoidance patterns of behavior that lead you into denial of who you are, and make you excessively dependent on others. In short, your emotions will not allow you to analyze failure as a learning experience.

Success makes you happy; failure makes you sad. If you focus solely on those emotions you will only seek easy tasks because you are more likely to succeed, and you will avoid difficult, challenging situations because you may fail. Both those cases are emotionally-driven. They lead to psychological stagnation and outward displays of narcissism, to cover up inward low self-esteem and self-confidence. You are neither coping nor growing; you are simply existing.

Rather than being emotionally-focused when experiencing and analyzing your successes and failures, you must be task-focused, solution-focused. This emphasis requires examination of what happened. Then you must develop resources by consulting with and reaching out to others; you must focus on being realistically optimistic and willing to change your behavior. In short, whether you have experienced success or failure, you must develop a workable plan of action to help you improve your performance the next time.

Just a few months ago we had a thriving economy and nearly everyone was employed. And yet, prosperous times notwithstanding, more and more people were complaining about excessive anxiety in their lives. Many said, “If everything is so great, why am I still anxious about things? Something seems to be missing.”

There are always things missing from your life that could bring on anxiety, but I bet you never considered that failing to link your coping efforts to your personal values could be responsible. Think about your coping actions. Are they tied to your moral compass, your standards, your integrity? Most people say social conscience, empathy, and honor are important to them, but they fail to link these things to their coping actions. They don’t realize it, but that linkage failure is what is missing in their lives. The result? Anxiety, or more specifically, what I call Values-Deficient Anxiety (VDA).

Dr. Carlea Dries describes some linkage failures: “You put off investigating diets (an action), even though you say, ‘I care about my health’ (your value); you put off spending more time with your family (an action), even though you say, ‘I love and need my family’ (your value); you put off taking a course at the local college (an action), even though you say, ‘I want to become more educated’ (your value).”

Whenever you find yourself worried and anxious, consider the possibility that you may be experiencing VDA. To confront this type of anxiety you need to examine your focus in life. For instance, do you focus on things you are against – a politician, a religion, an ethnicity, a nationality? If so, consider redirecting your focus from what you are against to what you value. Then you can work at coordinating your values with actions compatible with those values.

Actions are essential to effective coping, but those actions must be grounded in a “life strategy,” which means your actions must serve your goals and ambitions in ways that complement your values. If you have not identified those values, your actions will not serve you in meaningful ways.

Think about it. If you believe you should instill personal accountability in your 18-year old, yet you allow him to take his pet dog to college for emotional support, are you linking your values to your permission? If you believe in financial responsibility, yet tell your college-graduate daughter that being delinquent on repaying her college loan is OK, are you linking your values to your comment? If you believe you should be honest with friends, but decide not to tell one of them you think she is being deceived by her romantic interest, are you linking your values to your silence? Unconsciously, such inconsistencies between values and actions can cause stress and Values-Deficient Anxiety (VDA).

To cope with VDA, consider three questions: (1) “What am I avoiding?” (2) “Do I make life all about me?” (3) “Am I willing to develop a coping action plan that focuses less on me and more on the welfare of others?” The idea here is not to struggle with answers to the questions, but to use the questions as paths to help you reflect on who you are, and to develop actions that can help you move forward.

Instead of focusing on the anxiety you feel, reflect on those three questions honestly. This reflection will help you identify what is important to you, and help you focus on actions dealing with those things. Remember, the idea is not to reflect on the anxiety you feel and how you wish you could get rid of it. How you feel is your reality, so don’t work to deny that reality.

Many people get hung up on question #3. They have a hard time accepting that focusing on – and empathizing with – others is possible and productive. In short, they feel inadequate to the task. Keep in mind, however, that the idea is not to bring a special set of skills to the table; the idea is to base your coping actions on values that give you a social conscience – a respectful and sincere focus on others, not yourself. This focus will help you feel more confident and empowered to venture outside yourself and act independently.

“But these actions…” you protest, “…where would I even begin with things to consider?” Well, you might examine your feelings about various social issues: mental health; children’s welfare; clean air and water; social, gender, and pay inequality; homelessness. No matter what the issue, getting involved in such areas can bring you a wealth of satisfaction and redirect your VDA in a more productive direction.

Even when the source of your anxiety is clear – such as the current pandemic – VDA can add to your misery. How are you coping in these troubled times? Are you sitting at home feeling helpless? Are there people you value whom you could call (video or audio call – no text, no email) and lend a reassuring voice and/or smile – human “contact” – to their coping efforts? Social isolation does not mean emotional isolation. Also, you could ask yourself, “Are there community support programs that fit my social conscience that I could support?

To cope with the stress of stay-at-home, and the worry about infection, in addition to maintaining your vigilance about hand-washing and other protective measures, take time now and then to accept your anxiety as a normal reaction to reality, and to reflect quietly on your values. Don’t bother to write them down; let them emerge from positive introspection about who you are and the role you can play in the human enterprise.

Reflection on personal values is a type of mindfulness, the ability to be aware of who you are and what you’re doing, and how you can expand what you do for others. Your focus is not self-criticism, or judgment. The focus is on finding ways to express yourself in ways that benefit others.

Here’s the coping message: Whenever anxiety threatens to take hold of you, examine your values and then identify realistic actions you can take to complement those values. You will feel better – more confident, satisfied, and empowered to channel your anxiety into areas of your life in ways that give you some control over your actions.

I recently saw an item on Facebook describing how a celebrity felt about a social issue. The post generated hundreds of replies, with just about every comment falling into one of three categories: (1) “I agree”; (2)” I disagree”; (3) “I don’t care how this celebrity feels.”

It’s that last category that caught my attention. I mean, why would people who don’t care feel compelled to take the time to let the world know that they don’t give a rat’s backside about how the celeb felt?

I was reminded of a story a therapist shared with me about a client who was dealing with a variety of anxiety issues. During one session the client told how his best friend betrayed him by sharing information with others that the client had told this friend in confidence.

While telling the story, the client’s eyes began to “well up” with tears. As he wiped his eyes, he suddenly looked at the therapist and said rather defiantly, “I don’t care, though. Screw him.”

The therapist responded, “That’s interesting. You say you don’t care but I guess some part of you cares because a part of you is weeping about possibly losing a friend.”

Could we pose the same response to folks who post on Facebook, “I don’t care what this celebrity thinks”? A response along the lines of, “Well, that’s interesting, but it looks like some part of you cares because some part of you needs to announce your apathy publicly.”

Logically, if you don’t care about something, shouldn’t you just ignore it? How often do you observe habits in others that are different from yours? If you don’t care about their habit, do you make a big deal out of it or just ignore it?

Imagine having a meal with some folks and one of them says to you, “I see that you eat all of one food on your plate before eating another. Of course, I don’t really care about your eating habits. How you eat is up to you.” If that happened to you, would you think that your “critic” might have some insecurities triggered by your eating style? Would you be tempted to say, “If you don’t care, why do you need to bring attention to my eating habits? What’s that all about?”

Here’s the point: When you have a need to announce, “I don’t care,” for all to hear, you are including yourself in that audience. Could it be that the situation has tapped into some unresolved psychological conflict, and you are basically telling yourself, “Avoid it because you don’t care.”

Ah, denial! Truth be told, you do care, and you may be showing a need to deny something inside you that you would prefer not to face because you feel insecure about it.

Sounds crazy, I know, but people have many ways of showing denial. Taking time to bring attention to something but then saying, “You realize I really don’t care,” shows a misaligned disconnect indicating that an event has tapped into an inner conflict.

Of course, saying “I don’t care” can be – and usually is – a frivolous, off-hand comment, especially when you are replying to a question like, “What do you think of that?” You look puzzled and say, “Are you serious? Apparently, you have me confused with someone who gives a damn.”

If, however, you voluntarily offer the “I don’t care” assertion – as in our eating example – it can be a sign of an inner insecurity that may be worth accepting and facing. Be vigilant for the “I don’t care” signal; you might learn something new about yourself or others.

Do you feel anxious and get mad at yourself when you fall short of perfection? Striving for high quality work is admirable, but if you fall short and cope with emotions using self-criticism, you’re not coping well. First, you’re teaching yourself to be self-critical, and you will never be satisfied with your work, even when it’s good. Second, self-criticism ignores the fact that striving for perfection is usually better than being sloppy and uncaring. Finally, self-criticism treats your emotions like your enemy, and that is denying who you are.

So, you messed up. How should you handle your frustration and anger? We have noted in other entries that emotions can be channeled into working for you if you accept them and think about them a little differently.

If you’re mad at yourself for being overly perfectionistic, pause and consider the positive aspects of this trait: First, you’re less likely to make foolish mistakes; second, you are showing others that you care about the quality of your work; third, you are more likely to seek creative solutions to a task; fourth, you are less likely to depend on others for completing a task; fifth, you demonstrate how your actions are consistent with your values. For instance, you can remind yourself that your perfectionistic tendencies are consistent with how you were raised and taught by role models you respect. “I was always taught that I must act in ways that make me proud of the result. If I’m going to do something, do it right. That’s my value and it’s the principle I live by.”

In general, I’m saying instead of criticizing yourself for who you are, accept who you are and examine the benefits of your traits. Such a critical examination can often increase your sense of control, personal empowerment, and autonomy.

Here’s another example: Suppose you’re anxious and fearful about something going on in the world. Someone tells you, “Don’t be afraid. Everything’s going to be fine.” Does that comment make you feel better? Suppose you say to yourself, “Yeh, I shouldn’t be afraid.” Does that make you feel better? In both cases, I bet the answer is, “No.”

Notice in this second example that once again, you are being asked to deny a part of yourself, in this case, the part of you that is anxious and fearful. Don’t deny how you feel! That denial will lead to self-criticism and the negative consequences we noted earlier.

Instead of denial, accept your fear as real. Also accept the fact that you can use your fear to your advantage. Just as we noted above how being a perfectionist can work to your advantage, so can being fearful and anxious work for you.

Accepting the reality of your fear as a part of who you are can have a calming effect that keeps you in a steady frame of mind. Also, your anxiety can help you stay alert and focused on developing plans to attend to the fearful situation. Finally, your concern can help you stay vigilant and monitor the effectiveness of your plans as you implement them.

The result is that your plans are more likely to be successful because you are operating with a positive sense of independence and empowerment that emerge from acceptance. Remember, acceptance of who you are is a fundamental step in coping with stress. Always work from that foundation of acceptance. Denial of the reality of who you are will be self-defeating and toxic for your coping efforts.

Also, take note that whether or not you like your trait is not the issue. Once you accept it and find ways to make it work for you, more effective coping will be the result. It’s like telling someone, “Yes, I’m too much of a perfectionist…,” or, “Yes, I tend to be overly anxious in most situations…,” “…but it’s who I am and I make it work to my advantage.”

I had seen it on news reports and heard about it from others. But about a week ago, when I went to the grocery store for the first time since the reality of the coronavirus was taking hold in the public mind, there it was: an empty grocery shelf in the section where paper products like toilet paper and tissues normally filled what was now vacant space.

The next day I was thinking about a new blog entry, and it occurred to me that the empty shelf carried some good coping messages. Yes, really, believe it or not!

The first thing that occurred to me was narcissism. The narcissist believes, “It’s all about me. I am the major ingredient in all life recipes. I am the crucial variable in the equation that will solve the problem.”

Now I’m not saying that all the folks who grabbed armfuls of multi-pack TP were narcissists. No doubt some of them had large families at home and were replacing their dwindling stock of TP. I bet there were even some folks who saw the shelf getting depleted, but had a decent supply at home, and decided to leave the small remainder on the shelf for others. But, for sure, there were no doubt many who had a garage full of TP, considered themselves fortunate to have stumbled on even more, and scooped up a bunch like a squirrel hoarding nuts for the winter. The narcissist’s mantra is, “I deserve all I can get.”

Narcissism encourages a “me vs. them” orientation. If you’re White, non-Whites are the enemy; if you’re a native-born American, immigrants – and even naturalized citizens – are the enemy; those who do not accept your beliefs are the enemy; those who would take “my TP,” are the enemy. The pathetic narcissist has a lot of enemies, and must constantly be on the defensive to avoid psychological collapse. What a weak way to try and cope with stress.

I also decided that the empty shelf symbolizes humility. I talked about humility in the 1.10.20 blog, and noted that when you lack humility, you form your own pity parade when things don’t go your way. You wail about the unfairness of it all – “I deserve better!” – and talk and think your way into becoming an emotional cripple.

Reality, however, dictates that there are always others involved. Accept that reality and you can embrace humility. You can then free yourself from your pity parade, and find uplifting empowerment and optimism. You can feel pride in your accomplishments, but understand that your successes do not grant you preferential treatment. This realization will make you more inclined to “share yourself” with others who are also fighting stress. Sharing is a powerful and productive strategy for coping with stress.

And that brings me to a third coping message from the empty shelf: the importance of empathy in the coping process. As I noted recently (3.6.20), when used to cope with stress, empathy is not sympathy, but is a sensitivity that allows you to understand others in the context of their needs, not yours. As a result, you focus your actions around values, social conscience, and morality. This focus provides both giver (you) and taker (the other) psychological benefits. There is no more effective therapy than empathetic service to others. Assist others along your life path and you will never be alone.

“All this from an empty shelf?” you exclaim. Why not? Let’s personify that shelf and imagine a conversation with it. You say, “Hello, shelf. I must say you’re looking a little depressed today.” The shelf replies, “How would you feel if your entire purpose in life has been taken from you? I am here to provide things to please people, but they have stripped me of everything I am, and left me empty.”

The empty shelf reminds me that coronavirus threatens more than our health; it also threatens who we must be as human beings. Remember, this crisis is not one where the homeland has been attacked by another country, and we can come together and resolve together to defeat the common enemy.

Rather, this crisis threatens our inner being. We – or a member of our family – may get sick, while our neighbor does not. With that possibility in mind, standing in front of the full shelf our self-preservation kicks in. Screw the neighbor! Narcissism rules, and humility and empathy are overpowered. We strip the shelf bare, and the shelf becomes us! Empty!

For our common benefit, that outcome is what we must prevent. Crises that threaten our inner being can bring out the worst in us. “Think of your neighbor,” morphs into, “Everyone for themselves!”

You have to decide which one is you and act accordingly. Which one is consistent with your values, your character, your morality, your ethics? One thing for sure: Discarding narcissism, and embracing humility and empathy will help you cope with any crisis, and also benefit others. In the final analysis, that coping strategy – not one that stresses “it’s all about me!” – is what life needs to be about.

More than once I’ve heard this question: “I don’t get it. Every year the flu kills a lot more people than this coronavirus, and yet everyone seems to be panicking about corona. What’s with that?” That question is like asking, “Cars kill a lot more people than shark bites. How come people don’t sweat driving to the beach, but get panicky when they hear there might be a shark in the water?”

What is it about the coronavirus that scares people more than the annual flu? Let’s pose some answers, and see if they can help with coping. Before we do, let’s note that if you are anxious and afraid, it’s OK. Fear is an adaptive response to potential danger. If you accept the threat and your natural fear reactions as real, you will be more likely to remain vigilant, take precautions, and help reduce – not prevent – your risk of infection. Being afraid can be a good thing. Remember, fear can self-generate and strengthen. That is why acceptance of the reality of the situation is important because then you are more likely to use your fear in appropriate ways.

Back to our question: Why is the reaction to the annual flu less intense for some than to coronavirus? For one thing, the flu is familiar, predictable, and expected. You have experienced it before and know most people get through it OK. There is also the flu shot that gives many a sense of control knowing they have at least reduced their risk of infection. The coronavirus, however, is new, unpredictable, and unknown. Humans have no immunity and, as of now, there is no vaccine. That knowledge naturally intensifies fear.

Reactions to coronavirus are also more exaggerated compared to the flu because the former – but not the latter – has been politicized. Elected officials have injected their self-important agendas into the corona crisis. The result has been a flood of contradictory, confusing, and misleading information that has served to frustrate and anger the public.

Faced with this barrage of agenda-driven information designed to make you feel helpless and dependent on elected “leaders,” what should you do? First of all, whatever your political preference, take off the political goggles and think rationally. Suppose you have a severe, persistent stomach pain. Your neighbor says, “Appendicitis!” A family member says, “Gall bladder!” A friend says, “Diverticulitis!”

Who do you call for clarification, your local congressional representative? Surely not! You would call a professional medical provider. The coping lesson here is simple: Don’t listen to politicians, economists, or other laypeople when they expound on the medical properties and consequences of coronavirus. Tune them out! Listen to the medical professionals. Yes, you will hear words like “may,” “could,” “might,” and “we’ll have to wait until we have more data.” These words, however, do not mean the professionals don’t know anything; they mean that more test data are needed, and that you must think in terms of risk, not certainty.

Closely related to politicization is the spreading of conspiracy theories. There’s no conspiracy here folks. That message is for the weak-minded. The fact is, bad things can happen without human intervention. Contrary to what you may believe, humans do not have absolute dominion over the other organisms on this planet. Viruses have a way of reminding us of that. We are part of nature’s laws.

Politicization also carries the danger of making you think coronavirus is not that big a deal. Maybe not, but don’t bet your health on it. When it comes to coping with health threats, prepare for the worst. Never apologize for being vigilant and taking precautions to minimize potential threats to your health. Those actions are under your control. If you think they are best for you, take those actions.

The coping lessons? Accept reality; do not listen to false messengers with agendas; listen to the medical experts; accept your anxiety as normal and use it to help you plan rationally, and to make informed decisions to reduce – not eliminate – your risk of infection.