Author: thecopingblog

            Georgia passed someone in the hallway where she worked. It was the last day of work before the Christmas holiday. She didn’t even know this person who said, “Merry Christmas.” Georgia replied, “I’m not a Christian, so I don’t celebrate the Jesus story. I also think Christmas is a ridiculous time when stores gouge the public with their overpriced merchandise. So spare me the Merry Christmas greeting. I find it offensive.”           

Complaints about politically-correct language increase around holiday time. You know, the “happy holidays” vs. “Merry Christmas” stuff. Those who whine about this issue seem to forget that PC language boils down to courtesy, respect, and empathy for others who have a perspective different from theirs.

            To one degree or another, we all see ourselves as the most important ingredient in our life recipe. The strength of this self-serving bias varies from person to person, and even within ourselves at different times. Any way you look at it, however, the bias is there and it has the potential to make using PC language distasteful to those who refuse to accept that there’s a world out there beyond their personal space.

            Being conflicted about using PC language can be a source of stress in interpersonal relations. Witness Georgia and her merry co-worker. Here’s a coping thought: Let’s soften our life recipe to acknowledge the importance of ingredients other than ourselves. Let’s ask ourselves, “What determines how others remember me?” The answer is, “People remember how you make them feel.”

What sort of daily legacy do you want to leave? Do you want people to remember you as someone who makes them feel undervalued and inferior to you? Or, do you want them to remember you as someone who makes them feel good because you understand and respect their perspective?

            Why not adopt a little humility, and decide that life is not all about you; why not take the time to make others feel worthy of your respect. Doing so will remove from your mind frivolous, nonsensical things like worrying about PC language. You will feel more empowered and independent; you will feel more productive; and those feelings will bring you more personal satisfaction. Most important, you’ll have more pleasant interactions with others.

            Danny is one of those guys who greets life each day with a smile. His co-workers love him because he’s always ready to lend a helping hand and believes in teamwork. He doesn’t take himself too seriously, and loves to defuse conflict with a light-hearted comment. On the last day of work before the Christmas holiday, he was exiting the building and passed an employee he didn’t know. He said with a big smile, “Happy holidays, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, merry Christmas, bah humbug. Choose your preference!”

Poor Santa. Just at that time of year when millions of children idolize the guy, some journalist or reporter comes down on him as the cause of mistrust in children toward their parents. The idea boils down to a kid discovering – usually from a peer – that there is no jolly guy flying around the world in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, and that “my parents have been lying to me all this time. I’ll never trust them again.” Ah, the simplicity of pop psychology.

Christian evangelicals are also often vocal in their criticism of presenting Santa as real. They point out that lying is sinful; your child could also be embarrassed in front of peers; even worse, your child could suffer religious confusion among peers when faced with a question like, “You believe in God? I suppose you also believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny!” And, finally, many argue that focusing a child on Santa encourages them to overlook the true meaning of Christmas – the birth of Jesus.

I don’t buy these false narratives, which are not based on solid child psychology knowledge. For example, enlightened and empathetic parents can use their children’s newly-discovered skepticism about Santa as valuable life, family, and yes, religious lessons. “Hey, mom, Sally just told me that Santa isn’t real. Is that true?” I remember a conversation I had with a former student about this issue. She said that a few days before Christmas she and her 7-year-old daughter were wrapping presents. She told her daughter they could make one from Santa. “But mom, I know Santa’s not real.” When I asked mom how she handled that, paraphrasing, here’s what she said:

“Well, you know I teach elementary school, and I was ready for it. In a nutshell, I admitted that there was indeed not a bearded old man in a sleigh. But I brought up some of our family traditions and talked about them with her. Things we did, special decorations, meals, all the fun times we had at Christmas. And I asked her, ‘Has Santa been a part of all those fun times? How is Santa in this house? Could it be that we’re all Santa? You, me, your dad, your little brother? And what makes us Santa?’ She nailed this one and said, ‘We give each other presents!’ Building on that insight I went into some comments about giving and receiving, that both are blessings because they bring us together as a family. I said, ‘That’s who Santa is. All of us, and it’s one of the things that shows each of us that we love each other.’ I could tell she was really soaking all this in like a sponge. And then I took the plunge. I pointed at the Nativity scene we always had in a prominent place under the tree. And I went into the great gift that God, the ultimate Santa, gave us – his Son who would teach us to love one another.”

The pop-psychology stuff about seeding mistrust in children by lying to them about Santa is nonsense. First of all, an isolated deception about a real Santa is not going to sow mistrust of parents in an overall warm, supportive family filled with love and positive guidance. Furthermore, as Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget showed us, children’s understanding about their world progresses through stages, and the first stage is very concrete. Their understanding is primitive. Try to explain to a 2-year-old that Santa is symbolic of the gifts of giving and receiving, those things that define a family and love, including the love and redemption we receive from Christ. Good luck. But, believe it or not, the vision of a jolly, smiling guy being towed through the sky by a bunch of flying reindeer is preparing the child’s mind for understanding those greater mysteries to be grappled with at a later age, with a more physically-matured brain. The fact is, the early belief in the real Santa is not at all incompatible with appreciating at a later age the significance of what’s really going on in that Bethlehem stable.

So, what’s our coping lesson here? Put more Santa into your life throughout the year. The reality of Santa embodies the principles of effective coping with stress: Get outside yourself and give service and support to others; likewise, receive what others bring you, remembering the difference between taking – which is based on egotistical self-absorption – and receiving – which is based on understanding, empathy, and humility. Remember, receiving allows you to give to another the special blessing of giving. Keeping Santa’s Ho-Ho-Ho in your heart will help you establish a psychologically healthy daily legacy that is based on making others – and yourself – feel good.

I was reading one of those annual letters many families send out during the Christmas season. This particular one provided an excellent example of coping with grief at this special time of year. The writer’s family would be having Christmas for the first time without a woman who was a mother, a mother-in-law, and a grandmother for various members of the family. The writer noted how much the deceased loved Christmas, so the family would proudly celebrate her memory over the holidays.

The word that caught my eye was “celebrate.” Most people do not associate this word with loss of a loved one, especially at this time of year. In fact, they might expect to see the word “mourn” instead: “We will mourn her memory over the holidays.”

Mourning is indeed an important part of the grieving process, but in the long run, we will cope much better with personal loss if we resolve to honor departed loved ones by celebrating their memory, focusing on how much they contributed to our life, and considering ways to honor their memory.

With that message in mind, here’s a piece that Dr. Carlea Dries wrote for the blog on December 12, 2016, words that I like to repeat every year at this time.

HOLIDAY GRIEF

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… except when it’s not. The holidays usually mean the coming together of family members. Ordinarily this is a welcome time of festive gatherings, exchanging of presents, and special memories made near a roaring fireplace. For some, however, this Norman Rockwell image is drastically different from reality, particularly when recent loss of a loved one is involved. Let’s note that “loss” is not limited to the death; it can also include divorce, hospitalization, incarceration, active duty without a holiday leave, or a family member who moved away. 

Recently, I attended the funeral for my great aunt. Though Marge was 93 and in failing health, her death hit our family rather hard, especially her daughters and sister (my grandmother, who is now the only one left of the original 11 siblings). The sermon during the church service (paraphrased herein) highlighted how this first holiday is going to be different: “You’ll notice the quiet. You’ll notice the missing [specialty food]. You’ll notice the missing chair at the table.” 

While I was at the repast, a good friend of mine texted to say that her parents are getting divorced after more than thirty years of marriage. This news was unexpected and rendered her numb. She just kept asking how it could be real and why, if it had to happen, it had to come so close to Hanukkah. This was supposed to be the first time she would be hosting her family, and now everything was changing. 

How do you cope with the first holiday season in the “next normal” or “new normal”? How do you hold on to a sense of control when things are clearly out of your control?

The most important thing to do, discussed in other blog posts, is to recognize what is in your circle of power. My grandmother can’t bring her sister back. My friend can’t convince her parents to stay together. So, they must try to do what they can: accept what it is and move forward from that point. Yes, that’s easier typed than done.

Some feel consoled by leaving a place at the table for the absent person, but many others find that much more discomforting because it is a visual reminder of the vacancy. You may, therefore, choose to remember the person in a smaller way. I have made ornaments with pictures of departed relatives, reminding me of times we spent together. Every year for Thanksgiving, my mother makes her aunt’s stuffing (though Aunt Petronella called it “dressing”). My mother-in-law uses a picture of her mother as the angel for her crèche. A friend video-chats with her husband who is stationed overseas. For the past 14 years, my father brings homemade goodies to the staff at the nursing home where his parents finished their earthly stories. A colleague mentioned that she has a “moment of reflection” during which everyone present shares a memory, story, or image of those who cannot be with them – one even sings a favorite song!

These simple gestures become meaningful traditions that do not overwhelm us with intense feelings of loss. Rather, they celebrate the lives and connections we had to those who are absent. 

Other coping suggestions include planning a totally new activity that literally takes you away from the familiar reminders of the absent one. Go on a mini-vacation. Celebrate with a different group of people. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter. Service to others is probably the most effective way of coping with personal loss. Keep your mind and body distracted, not to the point where you are ignoring, denying, or detaching from the loss, but to keep you focused on something productive instead of painful. 

No matter what options you are comfortable choosing, you must give yourself permission to feel. There will be moments when you want to do nothing but sit in silence. Other times you will want to do nothing but scream. You might even find yourself smiling or laughing and then feel guilty because how dare you be happy when you are missing someone?! Have “the big, snotty cry” if that is what you want to do. Let yourself feel. Take the time you need. It’s okay to say “no” to invitations; just be sure you don’t let your mourning stop you from living.  

There was also a message of comfort in the sermon for my Aunt (again paraphrased): Marge lives on in your hearts and memories. If you listen in the quiet, you can hear her. If you feel in the still, you can sense her. Remembering means no one ever leaves.

You might not feel better today. You might not feel better tomorrow. But at some point, you will feel that you have moved to the next normal and that will be the next best thing.

Most of us demonstrate some level of self-destructive or self-sabotaging behavior at some time in our lives. Many actions are relatively harmless, such as nail biting, procrastinating, not flossing or brushing teeth regularly, or sitting instead of walking. Others, however, can be more dangerous: Smoking, using alcohol/drugs, gambling, refusing a vaccination or medical treatment, and excessive eating. If you engage in these latter types frequently to the point they become a lifestyle, you’re in trouble because the actions may be driven by unresolved emotional conflicts involving anger, shame, or anxiety. This process is how some people sabotage their relationships; how some suffer low self-esteem, convinced they are unlovable; how some avoid social interactions lest others manipulate them. These self-destructive beliefs lead to self-criticism, helplessness, and depression.

Brent’s life was self-destructive. He was an oppositional, impulsive child and adolescent, and never responded well to rules or authority. He underachieved in school and later in work, and was generally irresponsible and lacked motivation. He lived with a girlfriend long-term with whom he had two children. They had a chaotic, disorganized life, and used drugs. Their kids escaped to their grandparents’ house often. Eventually the girlfriend left him, and Brent fell apart. He harassed her and she got a PFA, which he promptly violated and eventually ended up in jail. He lost his job and lost the right to be with his children unsupervised. His second violation of the PFA put him in prison. After Brent was released from prison, he tried counseling. However, he lacked purpose, empathy, and commitment; he was unable to have healthy social and family relationships, and live a constructive life.

Brent’s case is extreme, but the underlying dynamics are the same we see in those who try to cope with stress every day in self-destructive ways: low self-esteem, uncontrolled emotional expression, and instability in relationships, coupled with lack of commitment and confidence, undeveloped values and goals, and fear of failure. This pattern is self-defeating and can evolve into increasing self-destructiveness as anxiety, guilt, frustration, and eventually depression, strengthen. 

It is much less stressful to “approach and chase” the challenges and responsibilities of life, rather than run from them. It is more productive to identify your values and commit yourself to work toward goals based on those values. Doing so will give you purpose and help you feel alive. There is no substitute for committed effort based on values, humility, and empathy. After all, what in life that is worthwhile and treasured comes easily? Psychological research confirms that those who are committed to a life of principled and purposeful action are healthier, have better relationships, achieve more, enjoy more positive and stable self-concepts, and have lower stress levels. Their life foundations are secure and satisfying.

Kevin is 56, widowed and on disability because of a work accident. He spends most of his days at home drinking beer and feeling sorry for himself. His self-esteem and initiative are in the toilet. He was once a burly, outgoing guy loaded with motivation, a can-do attitude, and a willingness to take on any job at his work site. One of his co-workers described him as someone who always “had a fire in his belly. When work needs to get done, Kevin’s the one to do it.” After his accident and his wife’s death from cancer, however, he switched from “out of my way, I can handle this,” to, “I’m not much good anymore.”

One day a friend, Jim, called: “Kevin! I need help. I have to deliver for Meals on Wheels, but I pulled my back. I can drive, but getting in and out of the car is agony. Would you come with me and deliver the meals?” Kevin was glad to get out of the house and said he would help. Turns out he had some unexpected experiences when he delivered the meals. One woman yelled out when he knocked, “It’s open! Just bring it in. I can’t get to the door very good!”  She was in the kitchen in a wheelchair and Kevin put the meal in the fridge for her. He started for the front door but she grabbed his arm and said, “Pray with me, please.”

Kevin returned to the car and told Jim: “I stood there holding her hand while she thanked God for me being there to help her. Prayed for me! I mean, no one ever thanked God for me! She prayed for me, Jim.” And on it went. No one else prayed for him, but at nearly every delivery one of them said, “God bless you,” or, “You’re a saint, sir. Thank you,” as he left. One old guy was on his computer, which surprised Kevin – “I didn’t know old people knew how to use a computer.” He printed out a page with inspirational sayings on it about the importance of taking care of your neighbor. He handed it to Kevin. “This is for you. Bless you for living these words. Thank you so much.” Kevin was speechless. He got in the car and said, “I swear to God, Jim, I thought I was going to cry.” Jim just smiled and nodded.

Kevin got home that day, looked around the house, and realized that he was destroying himself. He suddenly felt more energized than he had since his accident and his wife’s death. He picked up the phone and called the Office of Aging. “I want to volunteer to deliver meals.” The lady said great and added that they also needed drivers to taxi old folks around to their doctor appointments, take them shopping…wherever they needed to go. Kevin said, “I’m your guy, ma’am. Just tell me what needs doing and I’ll get it done.” The confident, can-do Kevin of old was back.

When his world crashed, Kevin’s values of commitment to self-sufficiency and getting things done well were no longer fulfilled. He was adrift, with no direction, no sense of purpose – all of which led him down a road of self-sabotage, a road that was heading toward depression. But Kevin discovered that the key to renewing his values lay in empathy, humility, and service to others in need, and that discovery allowed him to “approach and chase” life with a renewed sense of purpose. Are you ready for the chase?

Jennifer is 32, single, and generally unpopular among her peers. She likes to tell others what is best for them. Whether in the workplace or in casual conversation, she has an inability to put herself in others’ place, to understand how they feel – in short, to feel empathy. She simply can’t see things beyond her own perspective.

As an example, one day Jennifer saw three of her co-workers at a dress store in the mall. One of them, Jamie, has tried on a blue dress and is checking herself in the mirror. Jennifer blurts out, “Oh, God, Jamie, not blue and certainly not that that style. Makes you look pudgy, plus blue clashes with your skin tone.”

Irritated, Jamie says, “No one asked you, Jennifer. Blue is my favorite color and I’ve worn it all my life. As for pudgy, I don’t care what you think. I like the way I look in this dress, and I’m the one wearing it, not you! So, buzz off!”

When people think of empathy, and trying to see things from another’s perspective, they often think of sympathy. If you can understand how another person is feeling, you are more likely to feel sympathy toward them, and this feeling motivates you to help them. Maybe so, but in a coping context, empathy has a much broader meaning than simply feeling sorry for someone. When you use empathy to cope, you are acting with moral strength, an attribute that extends far beyond sympathy. Such strength allows you to respect others and value them as human beings; it allows you to see things from another perspective, even though that perspective might make you uncomfortable. Jennifer obviously has an empathy deficiency, a moral weakness.

Where might an empathy deficiency come from? Jennifer is a very angry person. She may have been mistreated early in life, or she may have had emotionally distant parents. As a result, she developed a working hypothesis: “People can’t be trusted with my emotions, so I must keep them at arm’s length or they will hurt me.” That hypothesis, of course, is self-fulfilling: Jennifer believes that people can’t be trusted, so she treats them in a way that makes them reject her. The hypothesis is also damaging to Jennifer because it prevents her from ever learning to be sensitive to emotional signals from others. No doubt, on many occasions, someone has reached out to her in a positive way, but all she sees is someone out to hurt her, criticize her, reject her. This misperception makes it difficult to cope with the inevitable stress Jennifer will feel in her social interactions.

I was talking with a woman acquaintance about this analysis of why some people insist on imposing their will on others. She obviously had another issue in mind because she gave a derisive laugh and commented, “Moral weakness? Reminds me of how I’m always fascinated at how men dictate to women about their health and well-being. There’s not a man alive who can say he knows what it’s like to have a woman’s body, what it feels like to be pregnant, and anticipate childbirth. Not one. No man alive can see those things from a woman’s perspective, understand her emotions, needs, and anxieties when she’s pregnant. And yet, men have no problem dictating to us what we should, or should not, do.”

I had never thought of empathy deficiency in the context this woman mentioned. But I think her comments about men imposing their will on women show how an insensitivity to social signals from others, how an inability to conduct constructive communication with others, and how failing to show empathy for others, is totally incompatible with effectively coping with stress.

            Your thoughts and feelings do not make you good or bad. They are natural and part of what makes you human. You do not have to feel guilty about your thoughts or feelings. They are your normal reactions to circumstances. Even extreme, distorted, bizarre, or self-centered thoughts that you may have from time to time do not define you. In small doses they are normal, and everyone has them now and then. What defines you are your freely-chosen behaviors, and it is those behaviors that you need to concentrate on, not your thoughts and feelings.

Instead of criticizing yourself for your thoughts and feelings, accept them as a part of who you are. Examine the benefits of your traits. Such an analysis can increase your sense of control, personal empowerment, and autonomy. Otherwise, self-criticism and self-denial become chronic and bring dishonor upon you. “This is not me,” leads to, “I don’t like myself,” which leads to, “I’m unworthy,” which leads to feeling helpless when confronted with a challenge, which makes you vulnerable to depression.

Carson is the President of a division of a large company. Many nights she goes to bed with a brain filled with thoughts about how to increase productivity. Her ideas usually fall flat when presented to other company executives, and Carson is beginning to doubt her own leadership abilities. She discussed her issues with a motivational psychologist on the company staff, and he told Carson she was too hung up on emotional problem solving, that is, trying to use the power of her ideas and willpower to effect change. “Instead of relying on your thinking in that way, use it to design alternative courses of action, and then test each action to see which one gives you the best outcome.” Carson did just that. She designed three action plans and asked three of her department heads to implement one of the plans. She also assembled an independent evaluation team to assess the results. Rather than rely on just her thinking and gut emotions, she used action-outcome problem solving to obtain data. One of the strategies was clearly superior to the other two. Carson presented the results of her design to the Board and made a specific recommendation on how to implement her design throughout the company to increase productivity. The Board was impressed and gave Carson a budget to pursue her plan.

You have probably heard of Bipolar Disorder and Major Depression, but perhaps not Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD). The symptoms in PDD are less severe and dramatic compared to bipolar and major depression. For instance, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, and the need for anti-depressant medication are much more common with major depression and bipolar disorder.

PDD is largely a cognitive condition, a way of perceiving and thinking about events in your life in a negative way. If you think negative thoughts, especially about yourself, you are going to feel pretty rotten, and can become one of the “silent sufferers” afflicted with PDD. Do you go to work or school, care for your loved ones, and generally function OK, but have a gnawing feeling that others seem to enjoy life more than you do? Are you burdened with pessimism, guilt, lack of interest, low self-esteem, fatigue, social withdrawal, and concentration difficulties? Could be PDD.

The seeds of PDD are usually planted in childhood or adolescence, and can result from poor guidance in developing social skills, optimistic thinking, and a belief that you can deal with challenges. You grow up believing more and more that you are helpless; you dwell on negatives, and experience a steady build-up of stress. Laura is thirty years old and periodically physically abused by her husband. She never knows when she will be hit, slapped, pushed to the floor, or thrown against a wall. She would like to end her marriage but says, “I have no job and nowhere go, but even if I did, he’d find me and beat me. And I’ll never go to the cops because he said he’d kill me. I’m just depressed about it all and feel totally helpless.”

PDD is primarily an avoidance issue. You develop long-standing actions that allow you to avoid facing challenges and maintain your symptoms. You avoid the stressors that helped cause and sustain your life problems, the stressors that you must learn to confront. Your depression robs you of energy, motivation, and positive attitudes. Reggie is sixty-eight and lives in an apartment complex where drugs and gang activity are rampant. His apartment was burglarized, and he was robbed once while walking on the street. Reggie lives in perpetual fear of being attacked and feels totally helpless. In fact, the police captured the street attacker, but when asked to testify Reggie said, “No. What’s the use? He’ll just get off and come after me. I got nothin’ to fight him.”

 PDD drives many to seek psychological help, and frequently a diagnosis of depression results in a prescription for anti-depressant medication. Unfortunately, while medication can be effective with Major Depression and Bipolar Disorder, it is usually ineffective for PDD. If PDD is your problem, do not despair. Usually with the help of professional counseling, you can learn to challenge and face your demons.

I don’t know what we were talking about, but I remember once when my grandfather said to me, “I’m just so worried.” I said, “About what, Grandaddy?” He answered, “I don’t know. That’s what has me so worried.”

            A lot of folks complain that they worry too much. Worry – a first cousin to anxiety – is another one of those stressful areas that presents a coping challenge; it’s one of those areas where you’re tempted to surrender to it and burden yourself with self-criticism: “I could do all right if I didn’t worry so much.”

            Stop being so hard on yourself. Remember, worry is an adaptive trait that increases survival chances. If you didn’t worry about being robbed, you wouldn’t install security devices in your home; if you didn’t worry about dangers to your children, you wouldn’t be attentive to where they are and what they’re doing; if you didn’t worry about completing a project at work to your boss’s satisfaction, you wouldn’t put in extra time and effort to produce a quality outcome; if you didn’t worry about future financial security, you wouldn’t make an effort to save. Worrying can give you and your loved ones a much better quality of life.

            No doubt about it, a little worrying can go a long way. From a coping perspective, though, things can go south when the worry becomes excessive. That’s not surprising because there are a lot of things that are good for us unless done to excess. Food and water are both essential for survival, but too much of either one can damage your body. Even extreme thinking can be your coping undoing, because it hides alternative actions from you and locks you into one way of meeting challenges. When it comes to coping with stress, moderation in your perspective will help you plan a more successful strategy. Moderate worrying? OK. Extreme, chronic, and unrealistic worrying? Get professional help.

            Control is also an important aspect of worry. Here’s a good rule to follow when it comes to worrying: Identify the source of your concern and determine if there’s any aspect that is under your direct control, either through your actions or your thinking. Focus on those parts of a troublesome situation that you can realistically confront – that is, parts that are mostly under your control – and take steps to allay your concern.             Jason and his wife, Linda, are taking a hard look at their family budget, a source of worry for both in this time of inflation. Jason says, “I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting that raise beginning next month. That should really help us increase the gas allowance.” Linda adds, “That raise will be a Godsend, but let’s face it, there’s no guarantee. No sense in worrying about it because what the company powers are going to do is out of our control. So, I say we stop putting money in our vacation fund. We have to be ready if the raise falls through. The vacation is something we can play with.” “You’re right,” says Jason. “Cutting out the vacation money will make us feel a lot better. Hell, even if I get the raise, let’s dump the vacation money for now. We’ll be in a lot better shape.” Note how their moderate approach – and realistically evaluating what they can control – lets them consider alternatives. If just one of them was extreme and irrational in thinking about the vacation – “There’s no way we’re touching the vacation fund, no way! I don’t care if we’re broke. We’ll all need a vacation in seven months!” – their stress about the budget, and their family interactions, would go off the rails

Politics has always been a dirty business When the only measure of success is re-election, it seems that some politicians are eager to put personal honor and ethics on the back burner and devote themselves to vicious insults and lies about their opponent. Still, many observers are perplexed when a male politician calls his female opponent a whore, belittles her husband and kids, and even makes veiled threats against her safety and welfare. These observers ask, “How could he stoop so low with personal attacks just to win an election? Why can’t he stick to issues?”

            Well, here’s a thought: Maybe our male politician doesn’t know how to be sensitive, respectful, and caring because those qualities were never a part of his upbringing. In fact, maybe the ability to show emotions like understanding, consideration, and kindness is threatening to our male politician because these are areas where he feels inadequate and inferior. Thus, to avoid those feelings, he must rely on cruel, malicious, and brutish behavior toward those competing against him.

            But, how would this meanness develop? Imagine a 3-year-old asking his mother for help, or smiling at her, or saying, “I love you, mommy.” Most moms would be thrilled at these types of social signals, and they would respond accordingly – providing help, or showering the boy with affection. But what if mom is cold, rejecting, emotionally abusive? What if she finds such affectionate signals from her son as threatening and unpleasant? What if she feels inadequate to receive and give love? What if she resents the child, and finds him an intrusion in her life?

            Whatever mom’s problem, her son will quickly learn that displays of affection do not result in support, but in rejection, disappointment, frustration, even anger. He learns that emotions like love and affection are to be avoided because they are not rewarded. Consequently, he does not learn how to give and receive love. He learns that whether he reaches out lovingly to mom, or shows anger toward her, or tries to avoid her, the result is the same: anger and rejection aimed at him.

            As this child matures, when someone reaches out to him for support, he doesn’t know how to react. So, the reach-out signal from someone becomes aversive to him, a threat that reminds him of his inadequacies in dealing with this sort of social signal. He decides that other people, especially those who want to interact in positive, constructive, peaceful ways, are to be mistrusted. For him, hostility, rejection, and chaos become the comfortable, secure zone in which he prefers to interact with others.

            Does this mean that all those politicians who lash out viciously against their opponents are harboring insecurities, inadequacies, and fear of civil, polite, and friendly social interactions? Not necessarily. But when their hostility is extreme, chronic, and predictable, such an analysis seems to fit. When someone seems compelled to become a bully, and use profanity, threats, and insults to the opponent and their family members, and when that behavior is extreme – almost obsessive – and intense, there’s a good chance the opponent has unknowingly tapped into unresolved conflicts harbored deep within the mind of the bully.

            One thing for certain, when it comes to your own efforts to cope with stressful social situations, you might do well to think about how you perceive social signals from others, and how they make you feel. Are you threatened by them? Do those signals make you feel inadequate? Do they produce feelings of mistrust? Do you wish you could be more effective in reacting to them? How do those signals differ from those that do make you feel warm, lovable, and needed? Considering those questions and attempting to answer them honestly will not only help you deal with the stress of a particular situation, but will also assist you in finding humility, empathy for others, and reaching a higher level of self-understanding.

The psychological glue that holds everything together is acceptance; and it is acceptance based on values and standards that you must decide are important to you and essential for your personal growth and satisfaction. Growing to accept yourself and nurture your emotions is a process, a way of living and interacting with others, a way of holding a great conversation with life. It takes preparation, practice, and effort. Acceptance grows out of a type of thinking and acting that focuses on being realistic, not irrational; it emerges from facing your challenges, not avoiding them; it is based on positive – not negative – and realistic actions and thoughts, not pie-in-the-sky fantasy.

When you base this acceptance on the values and standards that provide you with a social conscience and give your life purpose and meaning, you will feel tremendously empowered. You will feel more confident and assured. Your values will give you the ability to act independently, and result in actions and thoughts that will provide you with a sense of satisfaction and productivity. Effective coping with life’s challenges flows from cultivating values that guide you and allow you to venture confidently outside of yourself.

At work, Maribeth is a supervisor who is very popular with members of the team she leads. She believes in explaining strategies and plans carefully to her team; she asks for and listens to their feedback; she involves each member of the team in the work they must do, and she feels it is important to give each of them a sense of ownership. Those are her values, embedded firmly in a social conscience that makes respect for others a part of her leadership style. She easily spreads her sense of purpose and meaning in her work to her colleagues. It is no surprise that Maribeth’s team is the most productive in her company.