Author: thecopingblog

I recently read some remarks by a politician who was ranting about the evils of schools that waste time on “social-emotional” programs. I got the impression that “social-emotional” was code for material related to gender and homosexuality. In any event, the comment made me think about coverage of Child Psychology in a standard college Introduction to Psychology textbook. Generally, child development is considered in three separate sections about development: Cognitive, Emotional, and Social. Of course, the fact that they’re treated in separate sections does not mean that development in these areas proceeds in some linear orderly fashion, such as first kids learn about emotions, then they tackle intellectual pursuits, and finally venture into social development. The fact is, beginning at birth, learning in all three of these areas occurs simultaneously. Even the one-month-old infant is soaking up knowledge about the world, expressing emotions, and socializing with parents, other caregivers, and strangers.

It’s Monday morning and the kids are getting off the bus at Anywhere School. There’s Larry. He’s a bundle of anger, frustration, and jealousy who is abused both physically and emotionally at home. He’s developing into quite a bully and most of the kids steer clear of him. How many Larry’s will show up today? There’s Sally, always smiling and nice. Deep down, however, she’s anxious and scared. Five years ago, her parents and brother were killed in a car accident. She is being raised by her grandparents, and they’re doing a great job, providing Sally with a warm and secure home, and lots of love. But Sally is tormented by anxiety that her grandparents – both in their late 60s – will die and she will be alone. Like Sally, Jennifer is obsessed with anxious concerns about “tomorrow,” but Jennifer’s issues revolve around fear of being shot. Her cousin lives in another state, and his school was attacked by a lone gunman. She and her cousin regularly text, and Jen is convinced her school will be next. Then there’s Pete, a post-pubescent 9-year-old with raging hormones. Pete, however, is attracted to Adam, and he worries about being some sort of weirdo. How many Pete’s are at school today struggling with their self-esteem and identity? Maybe Shawna? She’s wearing her usual long-sleeve blouse to cover up scars on her arms from self-inflicted wounds. She wonders a lot if the world would be better without her around.

There are a lot of good data showing that mental health problems are increasing significantly among young people. That’s not surprising when we think about how many kids – bolstered by social media that amplifies negative emotions and damages connectedness with others – isolate themselves with their problems, and turn emotions like anger, anxiety, sadness, and frustration upon themselves. Over-protective parents add to the problem. They think they are helping their kids feel good about themselves, when in fact their hovering has the opposite effect: “Mom and dad are always there to bail me out of trouble. It’s obvious they don’t trust me and doubt my ability to do the right thing. I guess they’re right – I’m not able to manage my own life.” Well-meaning parents who overly shelter their kids to ensure that they succeed and feel good about themselves seem to forget something important: life, and that includes education, can be hard. It is not always fun and games, and failure is a part of the learning venture. Psychologists have shown that we learn more from failure than from success. The idea behind parenting should not be to make sure kids enjoy regular and uninterrupted success; it should be about teaching kids how to face problems, how to initiate actions, and letting kids discover how to address failure, not avoid it.

The notion expressed by that politician that schools have no business in the “social-emotional” part of kids’ lives is ill-informed, absurd, and dangerous. Psychologists know that kids can be taught coping-enhanced behaviors on a large scale, behaviors that can help them navigate the variety of stressors they experience. Exhibit A is Seligman’s program for preventing depression in children. The program, summarized in the 1995 book, The Optimistic Child, describes an effective strategy for preventing depression in preteenagers that lasts through adolescence into adulthood. The program shows parents and teachers how they can instill resilience and persistence in their children to develop optimism, and use it to prevent depression. The kids come to feel more competent, and collateral effects include better school performance, and improved physical health. These skills provide children with the resilience they need to increase self-esteem and manage their teenage years and adulthood with more confidence. Seligman says, “Teaching optimism is more than I realized than just correcting pessimism…It is the creation of a positive strength, a sunny but solid future-mindedness that can be deployed throughout life – not only to fight depression and come back from failure, but also to be the foundation of success and vitality.”

Unfortunately, society has not taken Seligman’s insights to heart, and we are not winning the war he identified nearly 30 years ago. The recent study by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) on the status of mental health among youth in 2021 shows that kids are not alright. One in three teen girls have considered suicide; 46% of youth 18-24 say they are emotionally troubled; 12% report having no close friends, and only 22% feel part of a close-knit family; Covid and climate change weigh heavily on youth and half worry that humanity is destined for extinction. While unknowledgeable adults argue about what books to ban, assigning bathrooms, and how to disenfranchise non-Whites and gays, we overlook the fact that our youth are our future, but we are assisting them to become psychological invalids. Shame on us.

Considering professional counseling? If so, we’re sure you want to take steps to increase the likelihood of success. Here are some suggestions: First of all, be willing to take an active role in counseling and work hard to produce needed changes in your behavior. Second, trust and be willing to “open up” to the counselor, and follow recommendations made by the counselor. Third, and perhaps most importantly, the effectiveness of counseling is helped enormously if you believe it will be helpful.

This last item might remind you of the placebo-effect, which means that something works only because you believe it will work. However, we don’t mean to suggest that successful counseling is simply a placebo effect. Notice, for example, that if you believe in a successful outcome, you will also be more likely to work hard, stay optimistic and confident, trust the counselor, and persevere when the going gets tough. It is those qualities and actions that result in successful counseling, not some sort of magical placebo effect. The point here is simple: Counseling is not like taking an aspirin, lying down, and waiting for your headache to subside. Counseling requires you to take an active role in your treatment. If you sincerely believe that it can bring you positive benefits, you will be more likely to engage in actions that will bring you benefits.

Brian and Lee don’t know each other, but they are both clients of psychologist Dr. Wiley, who is treating them for social anxiety. They have each had three sessions with Wiley, and he has suggested to each one that they join his weekly support group of people who are also struggling with social anxiety. Later that day, Brian says to his wife, “I’m really upbeat about this group. I’ll be anxious in a group of strangers, but in the long run I think it’s going to pay off.” Brian is optimistic. Lee, on the other hand, is pessimistic. He says to his wife, “I’m pretty sure this group thing is going to be a big waste of time. But I told Dr. Wiley I’d give it a shot, so what the hell.”

After the first group session, Brian is on his bus when a stranger sits down next to him and starts reading the paper. Brian thinks, “One guy in the group said that having a simple exchange with a stranger helped him. OK, deep breath and let’s go for it.” Brian looks at the stranger and says, “This heat wave has been brutal. Hope it breaks soon.” The man looks over at him and says, “Absolutely! It’s too hot,” and returns to his paper. Brian thinks, “Wow! It worked! I started a conversation and he treated me OK, not like I’m some kind of weird loser! This is the start of a new me.”

Same scene on Lee’s bus. A stranger is next to him, and he thinks, “That guy in the support group said a brief chat with a stranger helped him. It’s nonsense, but I’ll try it.” He looks at the stranger and says, “This heat wave has been brutal. Hope it breaks soon.” The man looks over at him and says, “Absolutely! It’s too hot,” and returns to his paper. Lee is crushed. “My God, I said something and what do I get in return? Two or three words? That’s it? This whole damn counseling thing is a big waste of time and money.”

Brian and Lee have each experienced a self-fulfilling prophesy. Brian the optimist puts a positive spin on the exchange with the stranger, while Lee the pessimist interprets the same experience as worthless. Brian’s positive attitude causes him to interpret his interaction with the stranger in an upbeat way, and he is inspired to work toward improvement. Lee’s negative attitude causes him to interpret the stranger’s response as rejection, and conclude that his sessions are useless. A positive attitude won’t guarantee that counseling will go well, but it helps to believe that counseling is going to work for it to have a reasonable chance of working for you. A negative attitude, on the other hand, greatly increases the chances that counseling will be ineffective.

James Gordon, MD, is author of The Transformation: Discovering Wholeness and Healing After Trauma. He is part of a long tradition in psychology that stresses people’s need for meaning and purpose in their lives. From Maslow’s thinking in the 1940s about self-actualization, to present-day theories on mindfulness, psychology has always recognized the need for people to find ways to “be all I can be.” Gordon believes that empathy and service to others plays an important role in this psychological growth: “I’ve worked with hundreds of kids at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School since the shooting. They’re anxious, angry. But when they have a sense of being useful to other kids, their lives change. They want to share what has been helpful to them.”

Mark Leary, PhD, Professor Emeritus of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke University, adds another element – humility – to the coping equation: “After more than 40 years of research on human nature, I have come to believe that most of the serious problems people create – for themselves and for society – are rooted in excessive self-preoccupation. People think about themselves far too much, selfishly focus on what they want without sufficient regard for other people, believe that they and their group are special, and think that their beliefs are correct.” [Both the Gordon and Leary quotes are from Psychology Today, “Putting Yourself in Perspective,” April 2020.]

In this blog we consider empathy and humility – along with acceptance and accountability – as foundations of the coping process, and try to dispel the notion that empathy means sympathy for others, and that humility means weakness and rejection of praise from others. Let’s briefly review those arguments.

As Leary says, present-day society seems devoted to “Me, me, me, and I, I, I.” Such self-absorption is at the core of many of our present individual and group problems. When you lack humility, and believe that “the world owes me,” you form your own pity parade when things don’t go your way. You wail about the unfairness of it all – “I deserve better!” You talk and think your way into becoming an emotional cripple. Humility helps you admit that you are not the primary ingredient in your life recipe, that there are always others involved. This admission can help release you from your self-pity, give you an uplifting sense of freedom, and instill you with an optimistic spirit – all of which partially inoculate you against despair, helplessness, and depression. Strengthened by this new-found positivity, you will be more likely to “share yourself” with others who are also fighting stress in their lives, and here is where empathy enters the picture.

Empathy – which, along with humility, completes the inoculation against despair, helplessness, and depression – allows you to understand others in the context of their needs, not yours. That understanding allows you to focus your actions around human values and social conscience, and to act in the service of moral principles. Sympathy has nothing to do with it. As Gordon points out, the beauty of empathy is that both giver (you) and taker (the other) reap the psychological benefits. There is no more effective personal therapy than empathetic service to others, making sure you leave no one behind. Whatever your plight, you discover you are not alone, and that you have the ability to help others.  

Jack is 58, on disability and a widower whose wife died from cancer 13 months ago. He is unable to continue working as a longshoreman because of a workplace accident that happened 4 months ago, and damaged his eyes enough to make working on the docks risky. Once a competent, independent, can-do-anything type of guy, Jack is now depressed, plagued with low self-esteem, and on a daily pity parade. He mostly hangs around the house, alone with his thoughts, and often wondering what’s the point of even staying alive. One morning his good friend, Larry – who used to work with Jack and is also a widower and on disability – came to Jack’s home at 8am and announced, “OK, that’s it. Get off your duff. I’m sick and tired of watching you waste away. You’re coming with me to the gym.” The gym was connected to where they used to work, and they enjoyed free membership as an employee perk. Each day for the next week Larry arrived at roughly the same time, and off they went to a couple of hours of treadmill, weights, laps in the pool, and a sauna – anything that could be managed within the limits of their disability. They cooled down at the juice bar and munched on raw veggies. On the first day, after the gym session, Larry dragged Jack to the grocery store and showed him how to shop “healthy,” which meant no junk food.

After a week Jack was hooked and the trip to the gym with Larry became a part of his routine. Then, one day after the workout, Larry said, “You’re not going home yet. We have another stop. We have some people who need our help.” And off they went to a soup kitchen where Larry volunteered. For the next couple of hours they dished out food to anyone who stopped by, mostly homeless folks. After serving was done they helped the staff clean up the room, which took a good 30 minutes even with 8 volunteers present. Once Jack got home, he flopped in a chair, exhausted, but “Feeling better about myself than I had since Sherrie died. My body felt good and strong, I had purpose, I was useful, I was needed. I realized I was a selfish SOB thinking I was deserving of special treatment. Those folks at the soup kitchen needed help a lot more than I did.” Jack picked up the phone and called Larry. “I want to do the soup kitchen again tomorrow, OK?” Larry laughed. “I do it every day buddy. I just didn’t want to pile it on you too soon.”

The power of humility and empathy. Six months later Jack was still doing his gym routine and working at the soup kitchen. Now, however, he was involved in both the food preparation – “Me, a chef,” he laughed – and serving. He was also a volunteer at the state Office of the Blind, doing what he could to help folks whose visual impairment was far worse than his. Just about every day he says to Larry, “You know, we’re both blessed.” Larry smiles and nods in agreement.

Jim works in sales, and most of the time he is away from his office. One Monday morning, after a productive two-week trip that brought three new accounts to the company, Jim was catching up on paperwork in his office. His colleague and friend, Adam, stopped by. “Glad to see you back, Jim. I need to alert you that the new guy in marketing, Ralph, has been spreading some garbage rumors around about you. I swear, I think he wants your job. But don’t worry – I made sure everyone knows he’s full of hot air, and that there’s no truth to what he’s been saying.” Jim was furious. “That b*****d! I’m going to the boss and getting him fired!” Adam said, “Hold on, Jim, hold on. Like I said, everyone knows he’s full of it. It’s going to get to the boss and I think his days are numbered. So don’t take a chance on making yourself look bad. Besides, your day will come. One day he’ll walk into your bullseye and you can nail him. He’s a loose cannon and will hang himself.” Jim accepted his friend’s caution, but every time saw his adversary around the office his blood boiled.

Everyone is likely to get mistreated by others now and then. You’ve probably been bullied, insulted, given a lousy grade, turned down for a job, criticized, dumped romantically, and on and on. When you’re on the receiving end of such actions it’s natural to think negatively about the person responsible. You may carry a grudge or dislike for them in your mind for months, sometimes even years after they’re no longer a part of your life.

Many religions say you should forgive others for their transgressions against you. Even in everyday conversation, others tell you it’s not good to hold a grudge against someone. “Forgive, put it behind you, and move on,” they say. The problem is, forgiveness requires a lot of humble-pie energy. If you had a personal high-school bully who made your life miserable on a daily basis, why bother to forgive this person years later? Plus, you figure holding onto the grudge is harmless and just one of your unpleasant youthful memories. But, is maintaining a grudge harmless?   

In one study psychologists asked participants to think about a person who had done them some personal harm in the past, and whom they still blamed for the action. The participants were asked to rehearse the original negative event, to dwell on the hurt they had felt from this person, and to think about their anger and the unforgiving feelings they had toward the person. But then the participants were asked to switch gears and imagine what they would say to forgive the person. They were told to concentrate on having empathy for the person, to see things from their perspective, and think about various ways to forgive. During these two phases, the participants were asked questions to assess how they felt – their emotions, comfort, tension, etc.

When dwelling on the unforgiveness phase, participants showed increased arousal and discomfort. They felt angry, nervous, and sad when thinking about unforgiveness. In the next phase, however, when imagining comments geared to forgiveness, participants were more relaxed, understanding, and felt good about being able to control their emotions.

            Some psychologists say that holding a grudge can cause considerable stress and weaken your body over time. At best, you could become more vulnerable to episodes of anger and other negative emotions; at worst this strain could negatively affect your immune system and contribute to health problems. So, what can you do to lighten this burden?

For starters, all you have to do is imagine yourself apologizing to the person during a civil conversation with them. That’s right, the forgiveness does not have to be face-to-face; just rehearse in your mind how you would apologize, and then go on with your life. Forgiving (in your mind, at least) is not only good advice, but it’s easy to do.

            You can also try this technique with current antagonists. What do you usually do after you have a conflict or disagreement with someone? We bet you spend time thinking about the confrontation and imagining what you should have said to win the argument or to put your antagonist down. You come up with clever insults, but unfortunately, you didn’t say those clever things in real time, so dwelling on the episode after it’s over just frustrates you, and creates anxiety about your next meeting.

            To cope better, try this: Instead of fantasizing about things you could have said to dominate your tormenter, why not imagine yourself saying something like, “You know, this is not worth getting all worked up about. I think both of us have some valid points, so why don’t we just agree to disagree and work together?” In other words, take the high road, the honorable road, at least in your mind. Doing so should relax you and make it easier to put the episode behind you. And who knows, you may even find yourself making forgiving comments the next time you see the person. Even if you never make conciliatory face-to-face comments, however, or if the other person persists in being belligerent in the future, your symbolic forgiveness in your mind will help you shrug it off with a smile, knowing, “I tried! It’s their problem now.”

Did you know that, compared to non-churchgoers, people who regularly attend church services, pray, and read scripture are more likely to have low blood pressure and strong immune systems? That they less likely to suffer depression from stressful life events? That if they do get depressed, they are more likely to recover? That they have a lower incidence of cardiovascular disease and cancer?

Sounds like religion is a winner, doesn’t it? But, before you head to church and praise the lord, let’s dig into this information a bit. It would appear that religious faith provides health benefits for folks because their faith system, their spirituality if you will, is part of an overall approach to life they have developed. Sincerely and intrinsically spiritual people – we use “spiritual” to emphasize that we don’t mean those who follow a particular church or denomination – tend to have positive thinking styles about life. Events in their lives are not perceived as random and accidental, but as part of an overall pattern or plan. Furthermore, unpleasant circumstances are seen as challenges to be confronted, not as something beyond their control and potentially devastating.

Psychological studies show that spiritual people exhibit many of the traits we talk about in this blog: They tend to accept themselves and others as they are; they accept their responsibilities, and can enjoy themselves and live relatively free of guilt; they function in reality; they see the value of taking care of their bodies by following health-enhancing behaviors. In short, their sincere and intrinsic spirituality encourages them to appreciate and participate in life, following practices that we know assist in effective coping.

There’s no secret to maximizing the probability of being physically and emotionally healthy and feeling good. These states evolve and emerge from focusing on those parts of your life that are under your control: your actions, thoughts, and the perceptions and interpretations you make about events and people around you. A sense of coherence and purpose to life, and the confidence to meet the challenges of life, evolve from these lifestyles. We know of no anti-depressant or anti-anxiety drugs, or any other type of prescription or recreational substance, that has such positive, long-term psychological consequences.

Several times we have used the words “sincere” and “intrinsic” to clarify what we mean by faith and spirituality. Your internal compass, no matter where it comes from, must be genuine. Merely paying lip service to a Supreme Being just won’t cut it. You might go to church so someone will see you there and think more highly of you, but this use of religion to obtain non-spiritual goals will not translate into better physical and psychological health. For a personal faith system to be part of a healthy and productive lifestyle, that faith must be valued for itself, not for the material rewards, status, or power it may bring. Faith that brings good health and a feeling that you can exercise some control and direction in your life is a faith that is genuine and honest. Such faith can be a principal motivating force in your life, and something that influences your everyday behavior and decisions.

Spiritual people show many characteristics of being self-actualized: they have a sense of purpose, usually humanitarian in nature; they feel deeply connected to other people and have empathy for others; they can look at the world with an open mind, eager to find fresh ideas and perspectives; they do not rely on extreme points of view that stifle their flexibility to meet varying challenges; they have a strong sense of personal ethics and responsibility; they enjoy applying their problem-solving skills to real-world situations, avoiding emotion-based reactions when faced with stress.

Spirituality can help many learn to cope with stress, and there is even a form of counseling – pastoral counseling – that focuses on religious belief, but that doesn’t mean a belief in God is absolutely essential for the coping journey for all people. Discovering personal values, a sense of purpose, morality, ethics, civility, and developing a social conscience that focuses on the welfare of others can proceed independently of religious belief.

Greg entered therapy because he felt passive and dependent. “I always seem to be searching for someone to depend on because I have lousy self-esteem and no confidence in my own abilities. I have a good job, a loving family, but something’s missing. I go through the motions every day, but why do I bother? Is this all there is? What if I leave here today and step off the curb outside and get run over and killed by a car? Would it matter in the long run? Am I useful or needed? Sometimes I don’t think so.”

One day a co-worker, Ryan, came to Greg and asked him for help with a project he was working on. “I’m really having trouble with this, Greg, and I wish the boss hadn’t given it to me. I honestly don’t have much confidence in my ability to do it.” Greg was immediately interested because he felt a connection to Ryan. “When he said he didn’t have confidence in himself I related because that was me, too. Over the next couple of weeks, I helped him out and found myself working on his poor self-esteem. I found myself saying things my own counselor had been saying to me over the past three months in my sessions. It was amazing. One day I realized that I was being something of a counselor for Ryan, and at the same time, doing that was therapeutic for me. I began to understand what empathy really was, and how my empathy for Ryan was helping him and helping me! Like I said, it was amazing.”

Spirituality can help in the empathy process but it’s not essential to discovering the meaning of empathy. Empathy is not sympathy, but a level of understanding that benefits both giver and receiver. Empathetic service to others helps eliminate the need for a dominating figure to run your life; it eliminates the need to seek artificial chemical crutches to help you cope by giving you the beauty and grace of other people; it helps you enjoy self-fulfilling discoveries along a meaningful and enjoyable road of life as a part of humanity. If your spirituality helps you on that journey, that’s great. But if you don’t feel you’re a spiritual person, that’s OK; don’t give up. Greg was not a spiritual person, but circumstances helped him discover how service to others benefits both giver and receiver.

Billy is 15 and his father is in jail – again. He’s talking with one of his friends about it, who says, “It must be tough having a dad who’s in jail. Doesn’t it make you feel ashamed?” Billy answers, “My dad has had some tough breaks. But you don’t get it. He’s really a great dad. He’s always asking me about school and how I’m doing in baseball. He cares for me; he gives me advice; he watches out for me.”

Tom is showing a neighbor his new car. The neighbor comments, “I’m surprised you got that model, Tom. Didn’t you read that it gets lousy mileage?” Tom is momentarily stunned because he did not know about the mileage study. He says, “Ah, that study wasn’t a good one. Besides, I got this car because of the incredible braking system and other safety features. They’re the best on the market. Let me show you.”

It’s not a good day for Mabel. After years of appeal of his death sentence for killing 8 people in a mass shooting, Mabel’s son will be executed this day at 6pm. Mabel is being interviewed by the local news, and asked if she’s still hopeful her son will get a reprieve from the Governor or a judge. Mabel says, “He’s a good boy. Always took care of his family and his friends. He was so generous and kind. It’s just too bad he had to kill all those people.”

Jared’s wife asks him how he feels about the politician he voted for being indicted by a grand jury for misuse of campaign funds. “I told you he was a no-good crook,” she says, “but you didn’t believe me.” Jared replies, “Oh, come on, grand juries would indict a ham sandwich if the Attorney General asked them to. Besides, you can’t tell me that my guy has been a poor representative. He’s in town all the time holding town-hall meetings. He works with local charities; he got the legislature to approve money for that bridge project; he’s supported the cops with their crime prevention program. He’s done more for this area than I ever thought he would.”

            These are four examples of the power of the psychological process called cognitive dissonance. When a person holds an attitude or performs an action that is totally inconsistent with an event – the dad I love and respect goes to jail; the car I bought after thorough study is a klunker; my beautiful son is a murderer; the guy I voted for may be a crook – the result is dissonance, a very uncomfortable feeling that you may not be as smart as you think you are. The theory of cognitive dissonance predicts that you will be motivated to get rid of the dissonance.

            The simplest way to reduce dissonance is to change your attitude about your judgment: I was wrong about dad; I have poor judgment when buying a car; I raised a murderer; I let that politician fool me. Simplest? Yes. Most comfortable psychologically? No way! The last thing we frail humans want to do is change our positive attitude about ourselves to a more negative attitude. Oh, sure, when appropriate some folks have the personality strength and self-esteem to do the attitude change, but most people do not. So how do they reduce the dissonance?

            According to the theory of cognitive dissonance developed by Leon Festinger, if you hold an attitude that just isn’t consistent with how things turn out – “I raised my kid to be honest, but he got caught shoplifting” – you can change your attitude about your childrearing ability and admit you did a lousy job; or, you can blame your son for not listening to you; or, you can discount the seriousness of his action; or, you can identify additional positive traits in your son that outweigh his negative behavior. One thing for certain: People are least likely to choose the first alternative and change their attitude about themselves; most people divert blame away from themselves when dissonance occurs. In our original four examples, for instance, each case involves reducing dissonance by finding additional positive features in the person or object: Bill focuses on his jailed dad’s positive parenting traits; Tom diverts attention away from gas mileage to safety features; Mabel says her murdering son is a pillar of generosity and affection; and Jared notes a variety of positive actions shown by his indicted candidate.

            The power of dissonance in the coping process should not be underestimated. How many times have you heard someone say, “How can he continue to support that guy?” Or, “When is that family going to admit that they have a crook on their hands and they need to stop enabling her?” Maybe the answer is, “Because the support and enabling are in the service of dissonance to protect one’s fragile ego-strength.” In other words, the inappropriate actions serve to reduce dissonance and make the person feel good over the short run. The problem, however, is that over the long run, those inappropriate actions interfere with behavior flexibility, which is often what one needs to cope well with stress when attitude change about oneself is necessary. Thus, whenever you are confronted with a situation that poses a direct challenge to your self-esteem, once you decide on an action you need to evaluate if you are under the influence of cognitive dissonance.

            Mark got a call from his son who’s away at college. “Dad, they’re suspending me for a semester. They say I stole money from the cafeteria, but I didn’t.” Mark told his son to make an appointment with the Dean for the next day. “I can get there around 11. We’ll meet with the Dean and appeal the ruling.” They met with the Dean the next day. Mark’s son was on work study and he worked at a cash register in the cafeteria. Mark told the Dean, “I’m sure you’re mistaken. My boy would never steal, and he says he didn’t do it.” The Dean showed them a closed-circuit recording that left no doubt the son took a $20 bill out of the register and put it in his pocket. After about 10 seconds of silence Mark said, “I’m sure he intended to pay it back. He doesn’t deserve suspension.” Mark’s image of himself as a parent who raised a son to be honest, was totally at odds with his son’s dishonesty. Mark was under the influence of cognitive dissonance, and it motivated his inappropriate enabling defense of his son. Rightly so, that defense failed. The Dean upheld the suspension. The son transferred to another college, free to steal again. Mark, succumbing to dissonance, left angry at the Dean, but deep down, angrier – and ashamed – at himself.

In his biography of Ulysses Grant, Ron Chernow describes the surrender discussions between Grant and Lee at Appomattox Court House. At one point, Lee took note of Grant’s aide, a Seneca Indian, Ely Parker. Shaking Parker’s hand, Lee said, “I’m glad to see one real American here.” Parker replied, “We are all Americans.” Parker’s comment is an example of the coping strategy of linkage between people. When people are linked, connected, they are more likely to engage in teamwork, more likely to trust one another, and more likely to put a group goal ahead of individual needs.

Cooper works in the Human Resource Management division of his company. This division consists of 23 employees, and every September the director of the division takes the entire office on a one-day retreat. They assemble at 7am at an isolated recreational and meeting facility in the country. They plan the day’s activities, which consist of both outdoor games and indoor group discussions; all of it is designed to link employees together in a bond of trust, shared identity, and common purpose. They divide into three small groups for the morning activities. After lunch, the entire division assembles for a two-hour discussion of what they discovered in the morning session, and how they could increase productivity on the job by working with each other.

Here are some comments from one retreat:

“Sharing my ideas with others, and hearing their ideas, helped me learn a lot about the company and how each worker could contribute to production.”

“Getting together like that and having others actually listen to my ideas gave me a sense of ownership, that I really was appreciated.”

“I found it was OK to laugh, and talk, and share. The bosses really did want to hear what we had to say. It said a lot about how they valued the workers. It seemed to make most of us more committed to the company.”

“I felt a sense of belonging because there was a bond of trust and respect.”

Always remember that when evaluating your place in a group, you are not the primary factor in the equation; it’s not all about you, and others must be given their place. Equally important, keep in mind that others remember you for how you make them feel. Make them feel worthwhile and important in your life, and they will be there for you. These attitudes foster linkage with others, and it is essential for good coping. When troubled with stress and anxiety, don’t always try and work it through on your own. Sometimes that works, but there’s no doubt that a reliable and trustworthy support group can provide inspiration, confidence, and a sense of purpose.

When we hear the word “vulnerable,” we automatically think of weakness, exposed, at risk, even helpless. Can it also, however, be a source of strength for someone?

Alice is 26. She’s a college graduate and has a good job in sales with a software design company. She’s been in counseling for the last 4 months for, as she put it, “low self-esteem, terrible confidence, and generally feeling like I’m a big loser. It seems I take everything to heart and it makes me so emotionally vulnerable to any guy who comes along. Any guy who says he likes me, enjoys being around me……well, I’m just a puddle of jello in his hands. Forget it. I grow so dependent on him that he finally gets disgusted and drops me. Like I said, I’m the queen of rejects.”

There’s a positive side to Alice, though. She’s a popular employee who is described by her supervisors as “loyal, and someone you can count on to get the job done.” She has a wide circle of friends who are always there for her – as she is for them. She does charity volunteer work, and is extremely well-liked. As one of her close friends puts it, “Alice is a joy to be around. She’s really modest…almost to a fault, and she will walk through fire to help a friend. Alice’s problem is when some guy comes on to her. When that happens, he becomes her world. We warn her how she gets too involved too fast, but she can’t help herself. So, we kind of wait for the rejection and try and be around to help her pick up the pieces. One of these days she’ll meet a real guy who is interested in her, not in what she can do to keep him happy.”

Alice’s counselor points out one thing to her on a regular basis: Her vulnerability gets her into emotional turmoil in her romantic ventures, but in most other aspects of her life that same vulnerability is the source of her empathy toward others, her amazing ability to understand their ups and downs, and how she can be with them in a positive way in both their emotional highs and lows. In short, her vulnerability is one of her strengths because so often it directs her to act in positive, constructive, and socially helpful ways.

Bridget is 29. She’s a college graduate and has a good job with a company that designs websites. All her work is done at home online. That’s probably a good thing because Bridget has poor interpersonal skills. She is harsh, tough, unemotional, guarded, and untrusting. She cuts off relationships – whether they be with a potential friend or a romantic interest – before they get serious. Bridget fears exposing herself to others because she believes they will use her and take advantage of her. Not surprisingly, she has no real close friends

Unlike Alice, Bridget is not at all vulnerable to emotional entanglements. When it comes to emotional expression or involvement, she has the ultimate weapon: Avoid, avoid, avoid. Bridget has never been emotionally scarred because she keeps her emotions hidden away in a psychologically defensive vault.

Alice and Bridget represent to some degree extremes of the emotional spectrum, one at the neurotic end (emotional Alice), the other at the sociopathic end (emotionless Bridget). Everyone occupies a position somewhere between those two extremes. One thing to take away from this example is the fact that being at either extreme end can be fraught with danger because the person is less likely to adopt more moderate actions to satisfy their emotional needs. Alice has successfully done so with her other-directed social activities. Her behavior is fairly flexible – unless men are involved. Then her coping strategy is rigid and unchanging. Bridget’s lack of flexibility, on the other hand, is not limited to a particular type of social interaction; her inflexibility permeates all her social interactions, which makes her coping skills limited and unsuccessful. She has only one strategy in her interpersonal relations – avoidance, a strategy that brings her isolation and few opportunities for psychological growth.

Another lesson in this example is that emotional vulnerability, per se, need not make you weak when it comes to coping with stress. One of Alice’s close friends was killed in a car accident. Alice was grief-stricken. A friend was trying to comfort her and said, “Don’t you wish we could avoid grief.” Through her tears, Alice answered, “No. That would mean I had never loved.” Bridget would probably find that answer difficult to comprehend.

1. Accept who you are, even those traits and emotions you may not like.
2. Keep your perceptions of events around you independent of your wants.
3. Take responsibility for who you are and the actions you take.
4. Communicate with others calmly, coherently and honestly.
5. Be flexible when different situations require different emotions and actions.
6. Develop a core base of values that includes traits like integrity, honor, honesty, morality, and a social conscience.
7. Use your values to cultivate humility, and recognize that life is not always about you.
8. Allow your humility and communication with others to blend into empathy for others.

Donna had an alcoholic, lazy father, and a co-dependent mother who generally lived in denial about problems in the family. The mother was very good at making Donna feel guilty if she did not help out around the house. She also sought sympathy from Donna for being a martyr in putting up with Donna’s no-good father.

Donna remembers her father as an alcoholic since she was twelve years old: “He was a lawyer but was unemployed much of the time. He sat around and watched TV all day. Mom basically enabled this behavior by acting like nothing was wrong or that he just wasn’t even around. It was weird. I’ve often wondered why I felt unemotional during my high school years. I figure it was because we were ‘guilted’ into not expressing ourselves; saying anything about dad’s alcoholism was an unspoken ‘no’ at home. In our house, emotional expression in general seemed to be stifled. I learned to be a self-sacrificer – put my needs below peace and harmony at home.”

Donna met Phil while living at home and enrolled in college. He was a student at a different college, but close to Donna’s. After they had been dating for about a year, Donna began going to counseling sessions because she was having problems in the relationship. Phil came from a family that had a lot of money, and he got pretty much whatever he wanted. His entitlement expectation grew and continued into adulthood, and he developed many narcissistic tendencies. Donna felt Phil was trying to control her life, watching her every move, and making considerable demands on her. For instance, he was calling her on the phone several times a day, asking what she was doing, not in a casual, “How is everything?” tone, but in a confrontational, “Are you behaving?” tone. When asked about the obsessive calling, Phil said he could not stop himself. He said, “I heat up. I can’t control myself. I just have to know what you’re up to.”

Donna stayed with Phil for more than three years. In spite of the rough moments, she found him mostly sweet, fun, and romantic. It took her a long time to realize that his kindness was usually serving a purpose for him: he was simply a very manipulative, controlling, dominating type. For instance, after a big fight he would be sweet to her, crying and saying, “I’m sorry, I love you so much.” At other times he would threaten to end the relationship. He would constantly demand that she prove her feelings for him. Donna says, “He was the best boyfriend, and the worst boyfriend.” The bad times with Phil were really bad, but the occasional good times gave her hope and kept her going, avoiding the reality that she was in a losing battle.

Finally, encouraged by a supportive counselor and group of friends, Donna gave Phil an ultimatum: Change his ways or she was walking. Phil kicked the manipulative moves into high gear, but she stuck to her guns, although only with great effort and help. She eventually had to have her friends next to her to help break up with him over the phone. She said, “I would not have been strong enough to break up with him alone and face-to-face. He was just too strong.” Free from Phil, Donna continued in counseling and gained insight into her own actions, and those of her mother and father, whose influence put her on the road to becoming a self-sacrificer. In the context of our “Gang of Eight,” Donna had to fight multiple attacks on her coping efforts: Her reality was based on submission to her father’s dysfunction, and later to Phil’s, whose domineering personality perfectly fit the father’s model. She could not communicate with Phil in a productive way. Her humility was based on weakness, not empowered ego strength. Her values were submerged in Phil’s dysfunctional control. In the end, however, Donna broke away from Phil’s influence by turning to a support system that could be objective about Phil and his negative effect on her. That support system helped her re-build her Gang of Eight, and begin coping with her stressors in constructive and productive ways.

People generally treat you like you’re a successful person. They compliment you on how much you accomplish, and how you help others. But no matter how much they praise you, you still feel like a failure. And you let yourself know it with ample helpings of self-criticism. If these words describe you, let’s ask that obvious question, “What can I do to give myself some credit and stop being so self-critical?” Our entry of June 25, 2021 described a technique used by therapist Michael Church to help his clients improve their self-esteem. Could you adapt that technique to reducing your self-criticism?

Church’s exercise is pretty simple. He asks clients to draw a circle and divide it into pie-like slices that represent the main areas of their life. He says, “Clients eventually section off spaces relevant to job or school, friendship, family, girlfriend/boyfriend, intelligence, physical attractiveness, morality, and health. I discuss their choices with them to make sure that they are comfortable that all pertinent aspects of self-concept in their life are included. Then, I ask them to shade the areas where they see themselves with at least a modicum of self-esteem. I have never had anyone fail to shade in at least a few areas, even those who claim to have ‘no self-esteem.’ This part of the exercise helps them realize that contrary to what they believe, their low self-esteem does not pervade all aspects of their life. Then, we work on identifying actions they can take within productive and proactive goal-setting guidelines.” Church’s exercise stresses action. As he puts it, “The best way to increase self-esteem is not by positive thinking, but by doing things that bring about positive results.”

Sounds good, but could you adapt this technique to your feelings that you are a failure? Once again, draw a circle and divide it into slices. Now let each slice represent an action you perform on a regular basis – activities might include time with your kids, spouse, or friends; projects at work; home maintenance; hobbies. Next shade those areas in which you feel that you do pretty well. Be objective about it. If you build something as a hobby, do others look at it and say, “That’s pretty nice”? Do your kids seem to enjoy doing things with you? Does the boss compliment you now and then with “Good job”? The point is, you’re likely to discover that everything you do is not a disastrous failure; in fact, many things you do probably bring you satisfaction, and enjoyment to others. In other words, your tendency for excessive self-criticism might not be justified by the “data” right in front of you.

The first step in dealing with a tendency to be overly self-critical is to understand that it’s easy to inadvertently teach yourself to be self-critical. In fact, each time you put yourself down, the tendency to do so gets stronger. John says he’s an angry person, and it’s ruining his marriage. “When I get into a spat with Eva [his wife] I usually storm out of the house and head to the corner bar to have a couple of pops and cool down. I sit there chugging my beers and telling any of my buddies who might be there, or Al [the bartender], what a jerk I am. I have this great wife and all I do is upset her. I’m such a loser.”

Two things are happening here. First, John is teaching himself to drink and put himself down when he’s angry, because those are the actions he practices when he’s angry. Second, John is also teaching himself to be angry and criticize himself when he’s drinking. This is an especially dangerous association when it comes to coping with stress because it creates a self-fulfilling prophesy. Imagine one afternoon when John and Eva have some friends over for a cookout. John is in a jovial mood but when he hits his third beer, he begins to express the emotions he has been inadvertently practicing at the bar – being angry because he’s a lousy husband and doesn’t understand why Eva puts up with him. This pity-parade cookout is not going to end well.

John, of course, is trapped in an emotion-based approach to his self-criticism. Anger, self-blame, and drinking have all become associated in a two-way street where each action and emotion causes, reinforces, and results from the others. What John needs to do is take a more problem-based approach that involves analyzing his actions more objectively: Work with Eva to keep open lines of communication that do not involve alcohol; identify his values and clearly-stated goals that enhance those values; and practice positive behaviors when angry and frustrated that bring him a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, not self-humiliation.

Remember, coping is all about the actions you perform. To cope well, you need to evaluate objectively how appropriate those actions are, and to focus on the conditions under which you practice – and strengthen – those actions.