Imagine a young woman who has a wedding scheduled in six weeks. She is beginning to have serious doubts about getting married. Several things are weighing on her mind: “Can we make it financially?” “Do we have enough common interests?” “Am I mature enough to take on the responsibilities of a marriage?” “Do I really love this guy enough to spend the rest of my life with him?” Our potential bride is in a dilemma psychologists call an approach-avoidance conflict. For our young lady, marriage offers some positive things—she will not be alone; she enjoys sex with the guy; she needs to settle down; mom and dad will be happy that she will live independently from them; and it seems fun and romantic. But there are also those negative concerns.
There are two ways to resolve an approach-avoidance conflict: (a) focus on the good things, or (b) emphasize the bad things. Suppose our young lady decides to put her concerns and worries aside and go with choice (a). She tells herself things like, “We’ll really economize so we’ll have enough money. Plus, I’ll get a second job if necessary.” “Being married will make us develop more common interests.” “Maturity comes with responsibilities. Marriage will force me to become more of an adult.” “I’m sure my love for him will grow as time goes by.” “I’ll get along much better with mom and dad because I’ll be out of their hair more.” She is telling herself that everything will be just fine and dandy, kind of like a fairy tale. Accentuate the positive and everything will be just great! But note, this strategy ignores all those worries and concerns she has deep down; she is not dealing with them, but covering them up, avoiding them. They will continue to gnaw at her, until finally, as she walks down the aisle, she will be a boiling mass of anxiety deep inside. The avoidance tendencies are the source of anxiety, and she has not dealt with those tendencies; she is trying to avoid stress, but avoiding stress has a boomerang effect and produces even greater stress!
Our young lady should take note of her concerns and attack them, confront them, and see if they are genuine problems or just straw men a nervous prospective bride has conjured up in her head. She should sit down with her intended and discuss their values and priorities, expressing concerns she has about his tendencies to exclude her from some of his activities; together, do a thorough financial analysis of income, debt, projected expenses, and see if they can reach mutual decisions about a budget; she should talk with others about her concerns and see if there is any real factual basis for her “Am-I-doing-the-right-thing?” attitude. In short, she should face her concerns and see if they are real, not deny them. Note that she would be engaging in a process that she controls.
If our young lady decides her concerns are indeed genuine, representing true obstacles to getting married, then she should delay the marriage or even terminate the relationship. That process will be very stressful! Many people will be pissed; deposits will be lost; travel plans will go up in smoke. But she will have taken control and navigated troubled waters because she knows that the stress of delay or cancellation will be nothing compared to the stress of their being married. Stress resulting from being and feeling in control of thoughts and behavior is generally positive and contributes to psychological growth and well-being; stress that results from denial and avoidance is at best stagnating, and at worst devastating in the short or long-term.
We know a woman who went through the very situation we describe above, and she called off a wedding one week prior to the date. She knew lots of criticism would rain down on her, and it did. But at least the bridesmaid settled down when our gal said, “I’ll be damned if I’m losing the money already forked over for the honeymoon. Guess what? You and I are going to Barbados next week!” They did and they had a ball. Turns out most of the people they met assumed they were a lesbian couple until she told them the real story! And then everyone had a good laugh. Today, she is married [to a different man!] and has two kids. Ask her if she did the right thing years ago and watch her smile when she says, “Things were very tough for a while, but ultimately I learned a great deal about myself, and that there are things in life I can control.”
Psychology and Stress 