The holidays can be a tough time if you lost a loved one during the previous year. Suddenly, someone who was a part of family celebrations and joy is not there. Grief is magnified by holiday family traditions. Grief often leads survivors “inward” to focus on their emotions, and dwell on how their loss has broken their emotional stability. This focus is understandable. Unfortunately, though, because holiday time is so strongly associated with happy times for most people, the inward spotlight can magnify sadness, despondency, frustration, guilt, anger—a literal flood of overwhelming negative emotions that can be devastating. That’s why an inward focus on grief—while OK in small doses—can ravage the coping process if the inward focus becomes a daily addiction. Sufferers then consider emotions “my problem,” but, in fact, they are not the problem; it is their reactions to the emotions that is the real problem. Fortunately, the holidays provide ample opportunities for an “outward” focus to help the aggrieved “live through” their grief. The grief-stricken—in a spirit of empathy—can reach out to others who have fallen on hard times, and discover that this outward focus gives them a way to move forward with their own grief, and honor their departed loved one.
I remember many years ago a friend of our family suffered a great loss when her son-in-law was killed in an accident several months before Christmas. Her daughter, Jill, now a young widow in her late 20s, came to live with her mom temporarily while they both sorted out their emotional lives. My mother invited them to join us for Christmas dinner. Before dinner, my mom handed each of them a wrapped present. Jill was dumbfounded. “But I have no present for you,” she said. “Yes, you do,” my mom replied. “Your presence is our gift.” I was in college at the time and thought that comment was pretty cool. Years later, however, I saw the comment in a new light.
Giving vs. receiving—we generally separate these actions as distinct, but they’re not. When Jill accepted the gift from my mom, she also gave my mom something very special in return: the blessing of fulfillment and satisfaction resulting from giving. It sounds corny but I think my mom received a gift of feeling part of the family of humanity; mom discovered that a simple gesture to someone in distress—“Yes, Jill, you are saddened and in pain, but life endures through the pain.”—offered mom the special gift of receiving through the act of giving. So, looking at Jill and my mom, who gave and who received?
For me, the lesson here is straightforward: Are you in emotional pain—depressed, saddened, hurt, upset, guilty, angry? No matter what time of year, focus on what’s “out there” and how you can be a part of it. After all, it’s life out there. Accept and receive from others, and in doing so, you will discover that you are also giving, and bringing honor to the memory of your loved one. Give your service and help to those who, like you, need support, and you will be blessed with the contentment of receiving in the act of giving.
Psychology and Stress 