We’re at that time of year when millions of children have Santa Clause on their mind. But then someone comes along and tells parents that encouraging the Santa myth will cause their children to mistrust mom and dad. The argument goes that when kids realize there is no jolly guy flying around the world in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, they conclude, “My parents have been lying to me all this time. I’ll never trust them again.” If that’s not bad enough, these “bah humbugers” say that a belief in Santa makes kids vulnerable to peer ridicule and embarrassment: “You believe in Santa? I suppose you also believe in the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny!” There are also those who argue that focusing children on Santa encourages them to overlook the true meaning of Christmas—the birth of Jesus. What’s a parent to do? Talk about stress!
I remember a conversation I had with a former student about this issue. She told me a story that one time, a few days before Christmas, she and her 7-year-old daughter were wrapping presents. She told her daughter they could make one from Santa. “But mom, I know Santa’s not real.” When I asked mom how she handled that, paraphrasing, here’s what she said:
“Well, you know I teach elementary school, and I was ready for it. I admitted there was not a bearded old man in a sleigh. But I brought up some of our family traditions and talked about them with her—things we did, special decorations, meals, all the fun times we had at Christmas. And I asked her, ‘Has Santa been a part of all those fun times? How is Santa in this house? Could it be that we’re all Santa? You, me, your dad, your little brother? And what is it that makes us Santa?’ My daughter nailed this one and said, ‘We give each other presents!’ Building on that insight I went into some comments about giving and receiving, that both are blessings because they bring us together as a family. I said, ‘That’s who Santa is. All of us, and it’s one of the things that shows each of us that we love each other.’ She looked a little puzzled, but I could tell she was soaking it all in like a sponge.”
The stuff about seeding mistrust in children by lying to them about Santa is nonsense. An isolated deception about a real Santa is not going to sow mistrust of parents in an overall warm, supportive family filled with love and positive guidance. Furthermore, as Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget showed us, children’s understanding about their world progresses through stages, and the first stage is very primitive and concrete. Try to explain to a 3-year-old that Santa is symbolic of the gifts of giving and receiving, and other things that define a family and love. Good luck. But, believe it or not, the vision of a jolly, smiling guy being towed through the sky by a bunch of flying reindeer is preparing the child’s mind for understanding greater mysteries about giving and receiving, love and forgiveness, to be grappled with at a later age with a more physically-matured brain. The fact is, the early belief in the real Santa is not at all incompatible with appreciating at a later age the significance of what’s really going on in that Bethlehem stable.
There’s a coping lesson here: Put more Santa into your life throughout the year. The reality of Santa embodies the principles of effective coping with stress: Get outside yourself and give service and support to others; likewise, receive what others bring you, which allows you to give to another the special blessing of giving. Keeping Santa’s Ho-Ho-Ho in your heart will help you establish a psychologically healthy daily legacy that is based on making others—and yourself— feel good.
Psychology and Stress 