What are parents to do when their values collide with their adolescent’s values? In this case, many psychologists say it is more effective to act like advisors and teachers, rather than rulers or dictators. This strategy, however, is easier said than done, especially in the heat of battle with teenagers. But it is worth trying. Am I saying we should be more tolerant of adolescents and more willing to give in when our values conflict with theirs? Absolutely not! We have a responsibility as parents to assert ourselves and let our children know our values regarding such things as education, abortion, sex, and drug use. All I’m saying is that forcing our values down their throats simply will not work. “You will not take the car out after 10 PM!” That’s one thing. “You will not be intimate with anyone!” Well, that’s quite another thing. Being dictatorial in that latter case is probably not going to be very effective. Parents can remove the car keys, but they cannot remove raging hormones!
Consider the case of an adolescent who was failing in school; he neither cared nor tried very hard. His parents were very frustrated with his poor performances in school and tried unsuccessfully to get him to work harder and raise his grades. They did not confront him with the consequences of his choices he was making. Failing to confront him was unfortunate because his grades were his responsibility, not theirs. He would have to live with his grades and the difficulty of getting a good job without a decent academic background, not them. But the parents could not see these basic truths. The parents dealt with this situation by forcing him to sit at the kitchen table a minimum of two hours a night to do his homework. When asked in private what he did during these two-hour sessions he said, “I turned a page now and then to make it look like I was reading and studying.” Not surprisingly, the parents’ method was ineffective in improving his academic standing!
Here we have a case where differing values are in conflict. The parents believe in the value of learning, doing well in school, and early preparation for a fruitful career. They were trying to instill a value lesson, but with ineffective methods. Would a better approach for the parents be to back off and let the son deal with both the short- and long-term consequences of his decision to not value his education? Certainly, he needed to be confronted with the consequences of his poor academic record. Moreover, he needed to be reminded that school is his job, and his parents have theirs. People who are not responsible in their “jobs,” (and that term includes school) do not deserve privileges. Therefore, until he is responsible with his schoolwork, he does not deserve privileges like staying overnight with friends, extra money to go to the movies, help him financially to buy a car, etc. In other words, we all must learn the difference between rights and privileges. We will not take away our kids’ rights, but they need to know their privileges are fair game. Privileges, like respect, must be earned.
Psychology and Stress 