Marching in Your Personal Parade?

Have you ever reached a conclusion about yourself without any objective basis for doing so? “I’m obviously worthless and no one wants or cares about me.” Psychologists see examples of this perspective in hospitalized psychiatric patients, often from patients who were abandoned by one or both parents. Naturally, but irrationally, they assume they are unlovable. Do you torment yourself with irrational beliefs that float around in your head and throw you off balance? “I must be good at everything.” “Because something once affected me, it always will.” “I must be loved by my mother and father.” “If I don’t get what I want I will be crushed?” “I lost the game. I’m obviously a complete failure in everything I do.” “I don’t understand why you have so much work to do tonight of all nights! It’s pretty obvious to me you want to end our relationship.” You need to monitor these negative thoughts and see the relationships between these thoughts and your behavior; you need to examine regularly whether there is evidence for your negative thinking; you need to substitute more realistic thinking to reduce stress and self-defeating behavior patterns.

The first step in the process is to become aware of your irrational thoughts. Write them down when they occur. Enlist the help of friends, acquaintances, and even professionals to help you identify them. In this way, you will be able to focus more on rational courses of action to help you cope with the everyday challenges you face. List acts you can take and then find a way to do those actions, such as doing volunteer service for the elderly, homeless, disabled, etc. A basic principle in psychology is that when you see yourself engaging in actions that benefit others, you are likely to believe in yourself as a useful, productive person. Next time you find yourself confronted with a self-disparaging thought—“I lost the game. I’m obviously a complete failure in everything I do.”—reflect on your service work. There’s never any guarantee you will succeed. But by focusing on positive actions, at least you are teaching yourself to persevere even when frustrated; you are showing yourself that you are self-sufficient enough to engage in some proactive actions; and you are doing things that give you a chance to feel good about yourself. Such positive possibilities certainly outweigh marching in your personal pity parade.