Last week we introduced the concept of differentiation as providing one answer to the question of why some relationships are long-lasting. Social psychologist David Schnarch says each individual has a level of “differentiation” that influences relationships. Simply put, if you are a differentiated person, you are able to maintain your individuality even when you are emotionally close to someone else; additionally, you allow your partner to do the same—to achieve and maintain their independence and individuality. The result is a relationship where each partner shares, cooperates, and compromises, but maintains their individual identity..
The concept of differentiation does not, however, answer the question, “Why do some people continue in relationships that are at best unsatisfying and, at worst, destructive to their well-being?” Those low in differentiation are narcissistic and demand attention and approval from their partner, forcing the partner to meettheir wants and needs; or they ignore the partner while “doing their own thing” and concentrating on their needs. This pattern of behavior is not typical of partners who are emotionally and/or physically abused. Jane is 30 years old and is physically abused by her husband now and then. She never knows when she will be hit, slapped, pushed to the floor, or thrown against a wall. She would like to end her marriage but says, “I have no job and nowhere go, but even if I did he’d find me and beat me. And I’ll never go to the cops because he said he’d kill me. I’m just totally helpless.” Helplessness can be a factor when a partner persists in a relationship that is damaging to their stability, self-esteem, and identity. Psychologist Martin Seligman developed the concept of Learned Helpless, which explains Jane’s inability to take control of situations. The unpredictability and inescapable circumstances of helpless people has taught them that there is nothing they can do, so why bother to fight it? Low self-esteem is also often involved in a failure to end a stale relationship. Those with low self-esteem may be satisfied with few rewards and large costs in a relationship. If one has low expectations for a relationship based on low self-esteem, it is easy for them to conclude they deserve no better than they are getting from the relationship, so they hang on.
Another factor that explains why some persist in dangerous relationships is the childhood of the victim. Many married people are quick to view their spouse as adversaries because they grew up in homes where this type of posture was the order of the day. Thus, this type of orientation is not only expected but tolerated. We see a deeper dynamic from childhood in the case of Maribeth, who was always uncomfortable with partners who were emotionally available and nurturing. She had never found supportive traits in her dad when growing up, so those traits in men were unfamiliar and scary to her. Because of this discomfort, she drifted to men who were distant and emotionally depriving, just like dear old dad!
Ending a relationship can also be hard to do if your friends or relatives tell you that you’re “right” for each other. You need to be careful whom you talk to about your relationship problems. John was 45 years old, but since junior high school he had always confided in his mother about his relationships He believed his wife of 5 years had married him “for my money and financial security,” and he suspected her of infidelity. She was also emotionally abusive and generally made him feel worthless and a failure. Incredibly, his mother convinced him their match was good for the family status, and his best solution was to have a couple of girlfriends on the side. The truth was, mom lived her life through her son, and she relished hearing about his “adventures.” John eventually found his way into psychological counseling and acquired some insight into mom’s own “issues.” He threw his wife out and divorced her, and cleverly handled mom with assurances that she would continue to be his confidante. He was, however, much more circumspect in how much he told her.
Some miserable spouses stay in a damaging marriage for the “sake of the kids.” This reason overlooks the possibility that the children could be spared the tension of living with fighting parents, and also deprives them of the opportunity to see how healthier and more positive relationships work. For example, in an extreme case, a woman in therapy said that when her last child was born she made a promise to herself that she would wait until the child was eighteen before divorcing her husband. This comment is mind-boggling! At the time of the birth of her son, the woman developed a strategic plan to wait 18 years and then end her marriage! Well, 18 years later she followed through with the divorce. Did she do anyone justice by this course of action? Interestingly, all of her children had been in psychiatric or psychological treatment. Of course, it is possible their instability occurred irrespective of mom’s long-range plan, but we can only wonder if staying in an acrimonious and loveless marriage had a negative effect on the kids. One thing for sure—her decision prevented both her and her husband from developing a social and emotional life, or even divorcing and moving on to perhaps a more stable relationship.
People in marital counseling often ask, “How do I know whether I should stay in this relationship?” It really isn’t that difficult to decide. In any relationship—marriage, cohabiting, or dating—if you are attracted to a person who helps you feel stronger, more adequate, productive, creative, better about yourself and closer to your friends and family, then stick with the relationship and nurture it. On the other hand, if your relationship pulls you down in these ways, ending it may be best for all involved.
Psychology and Stress 