Attraction

What causes us to be attracted and attached to certain individuals and not others? With so many potential mates and friends in the world, what leads us to focus our attention and energy on only some people? Psychological research on interpersonal attraction generally shows that we tend to pair up with people we find physically attractive, share physical proximity with, who seem to like us, and who are similar to us in attitudes, beliefs, interests, and values. There are a variety of traits and characteristics that appear to increase the likelihood that two people will form a friendship or a romantic bond. Some popular online dating services use algorithm models to try and match people on trait profiles that might make them compatible. Nevertheless, these kinds of analyses do not give us a full understanding of the mystery and dynamics of relationships. We meet many people we are attracted to and with whom we share some traits, but we only get into a relationship with a tiny fraction of these people, even though the opportunity for greater involvement is often present.

There is a chemistry to relationships that is significant and underlies what we can observe directly. In other words, there appears to be need-driven and largely unconscious aspects of our personalities that pull us toward some people, even when logic and objectivity are inconsistent with the attraction and attachment. We all have observed the union of two people who seem entirely mismatched. We have all also seen some people adamantly refuse to leave a relationship that is obviously unfulfilling and, perhaps, even abusive. How can we explain these relationships that defy sound judgment, reason, and common sense? What do you think makes a good relationship between two people? When a couple celebrates an extremely long marriage, say 50 years or even longer, often the first question posed to them is, “So what’s your secret to staying together for so long?” Poets, novelists, playwrights, song writers, philosophers, psychologists, and the folks down at the local diner have all offered possible answers; our answer involves flexibility, compromise, and independence.

The kids were 15 and 17, and Janice (39) decided she wanted to get a college degree, going part-time at the community college. Her husband, Frank (41), was against it, saying he needed her to handle the domestic chores. He could not find the flexibility needed to make the new situation work. Over the next few years, the marriage slowly fell apart, and when the youngest child went off to college, Janice increased her college course load. Frank sought a divorce. After four years of marriage, Boyd (28) told his wife, Adele (28), he wanted them to begin having children, at least two, just like they had planned to do when they got married. She said, “No, things have changed now that I have a promising career.” Boyd noted they could afford good child care, and he was willing to wait a few more years and have only one child. Adele was not willing to consider a compromise. Sue (28) was the woman Mark (41) had always looked for, someone with no desire to have children, and whose sole ambition in life would be to take care of him. After seven years of marriage, however, Sue decided she wanted to get a job and have some money of her own. She said this new venture would not affect her caretaker responsibilities. Mark, however, was threatened by her desire for more independence, and told her no wife of his was going to get a job. Within the year, Sue left him.

            Every couple’s situation is different, but it seems clear that in a healthy long-lasting relationship, each partner lets the other be themself. Social psychologist David Schnarch says each individual has a level of “differentiation” that influences relationships. Simply put, if you are a differentiated person, you are able to maintain your individuality, your sense of self, even when you are emotionally close to someone else. You can share, cooperate, compromise, and give in, but through it all, you remain an individual. You work with your partner from a context of personal stability and self-assurance, not from a context of weakness, insecurity, and dependency. People high in differentiation communicate effectively with their partners without becoming aggressive or withdrawing; they maintain their individuality by balancing assisting validation for their partner, and validating themselves. Those low in differentiation are narcissistic and demand attention and approval from their partner, forcing the partner to meettheir wants and needs; or they ignore the partner while “doing their own thing” and concentrating on their needs. As a result, the partner will not feel a part of the relationship, married or not! If a valued relationship is suddenly on a rocky road, assess your level of differentiation, and ask yourself if you are encouraging differentiation in your partner.

            A related and even more perplexing question asks, “Why do some people continue in relationships that are at best unsatisfying and, at worst, destructive to their well-being?” Next week we will look at that question in some detail.