Some combinations of personalities don’t have the relationship chemistry needed for long-term intimacy. The only hope in this type of case is if the partners make some fundamental changes in their actions and expectations. The case of Andy and Gloria is a prime example of partners being unwilling to put forth the hard work involved in making such fundamental changes.
Andy and Gloria met in their late twenties. They were drawn together primarily through shared interests in the theater. Both came from highly dysfunctional families with respect to having close, supportive bonds. Gloria described her father as verbally abusive and selfish. Andy said his dad was very demanding. Both also described their mothers in less than flattering terms. As each moved through their teen years, they both were eager to reach an age when they could leave home and begin independent lives. Andy and Gloria entered counseling complaining of sexual problems, specifically a lack of it! Gloria, in particular, was bothered because she wanted a family and wanted more sex to increase the odds of getting pregnant.
In counseling, Andy immediately stood out as a dependent individual who also had narcissistic qualities. He lacked empathy, was very possessive, and could not take criticism. Gloria, on the other hand, came across as self-sacrificing, while also showing actress-like traits. That is, she could be very dramatic and attention-seeking in her statements and actions. “It’s hard enough to get pregnant for God’s sake, and it just doesn’t help things if we only have sex once a month or even less,” Gloria complained, all the time waving her arms in the air. Andy just shrugged and said, “Hey, I can’t help it if I’m tired a lot and just don’t feel like it. I’m not a machine.”
When asked if she thought she would be better off out of the marriage, Gloria was reluctant to discuss the issue, although she was clearly unhappy. Whenever she might suggest to Andy that they consider a separation to help them see things in a better perspective, he would become very manipulative, almost childlike. He would beg and implore her not to talk like that, and then quickly shift to trying make her feel guilty for even bringing up the subject, to becoming contrite and asking for forgiveness. Sometimes he would promise that he would change and things would get better; other times he would become angry and break out into an emotional tirade.
The more serious their marital difficulties became, the more dependent Andy became on Gloria. He never finished college and his income was low. He talked about finishing his college education but never made any real effort in this direction. He promised he would get a better job, but made no real effort to do so. “I’m just going through a tough time, Glo. I promise you I’m going to look harder for a better job, and then we’ll have more money. I just know I can find something.” Gloria’s problem was that she was too focused on her husband’s needs and not enough on her own. She could not assert herself consistently and strongly enough with him. Consequently, her motivation to change her life was decreasing because she just did not see too many options that would let her do something to change her life situation.
Andy and Gloria stopped going to counseling after several years, even though their goals (at least hers) were never met. They had a friendship that worked to a degree, and apparently they were willing to stay in their no-growth relationship that only minimally met their needs. The alternative would require them to make dramatic changes in their lives that would take them out of their comfort zones and produce a lot of stress, uncertainty, and more independent decisions and lifestyles. The opportunities for a better life associated with these challenges were not enough to motivate them towards significant change, either together or apart. Unfortunately, neither Andy nor Gloria brought out the best in the other. They each lacked both the physical and emotional chemistry needed, and were unwilling to change their relationship. They stayed together for the wrong reasons. He was extremely dependent and attached to her no matter what. She was willing to sacrifice her needs for his, even if that meant she would not be happy. We lost touch with them after they left counseling.
Psychology and Stress 