We have asked hundreds of never married, married, or previously married people a simple question: “How many of your relationships have been worthwhile, and brought you more satisfaction than dissatisfaction?” In answering the question, we asked them to consider only the relationship itself, not any by-products, such as children, that may have come from the relationship. We asked a few young adults in the 20s and 30s, but most of them ranged from the 40s to the 60s. Regardless of age, nearly everyone we asked said they have seldom had a relationship where the positives outweighed the negatives, or that they could only think of one relationship where that statement held true.
Our respondents were clients in counseling, so the sample was neither random nor representative of a larger population. Nevertheless, we feel three conclusions are valid: (1) A healthy and satisfying relationship can be hard to come by; (2) If we have a decent partner (not perfect), we should think long and hard about ending the relationship when it is not everything we want or hope for; (3) if we have a decent partner worth committing to, working hard to improve the relationship is a better strategy than giving up on it because it does not meet our often over-romanticized, unrealistic ideals. This last statement captures the essence of the task facing those in intimate relationships: “How can I develop a more satisfying and meaningful relationship with someone before problems escalate out of hand and become too ingrained to correct?” Most clients in therapy have been involved in failed relationships. Why did it end? Typical comments are: “I’m sorry to say I cheated on them”; “I just took them for granted”; “I didn’t realize I had something special that you don’t find every day”; “I just let the relationship slip away by not taking care of it.” Almost all of them spoke of loneliness, unhappiness, and even depression over the break-up, and wished they could turn back the hands of time and repair the relationship.
Many psychologists say that the single best predictor of happiness for married people is their satisfaction in the marriage. In general, a positive relationship is one that helps those involved feel better about themselves, more creative, happy, social, and productive. On the other hand, a negative relationship is one that leads them to be self-absorbed, less efficient, unhappy, and lower in self-esteem and self-respect. Much human suffering is caused by relationship problems, and many in outpatient counseling are having significant difficulty accepting and adjusting to problems in relationships, which is the primary reason they entered therapy in the first place. Because the dynamics of relationships appear so fundamental to psychological problems, it is vital to help people minimize their pain and suffering in relationships. It is also essential to help them find and enhance the positive motivation, effort, and happiness that occur when they are in relatively healthier relationships. Let’s face it—no relationship is perfect. A few bumps in the road will occur, but in most cases it is worthwhile to work through them to avoid the more serious pitfalls described in the comments noted earlier. Above all, it’s good to remember: you don’t find a healthy relationship; rather, it’s the product of effort and commitment.
Psychology and Stress 