Givers and Takers

[NOTE: The descriptions that follow are for dysfunctional extremes. Most people would show milder patterns and cope moderately well.] Relationship issues? Maybe one of the following patterns is the problem. Are you a dysfunctional giver, someone who avoids new challenges and subjugates their wants and needs in relationships, leading to interpersonal conflict? Whether excessively dependent, enabling, passive or cooperative, dysfunctional givers are not really giving. They shrink from responsibilities and run from insecurities, fears, and identity development; they also often inappropriately blame the taker. It is easy to understand why takers are attracted givers. Why, however, would a giver be attracted to a taker? The fact is, dysfunctional givers have a variety of self-interest motives that are served when interacting with takers: Givers have powerful dependency needs because of basic insecurities and related fears, and takers serve these dependency needs; givers become accustomed to having family members sacrifice for them; givers believe their actions are a way to secure and strengthen their relationships; givers have weak self-identity because they have not developed autonomy, individuality, and independence, which allows them to avoid the pain of facing their shortcomings; givers can avoid true intimacy and vulnerability in relationships, factors that can cause stress and anxiety. Givers often play the childlike, helpless role, or act like they are the victim: “You want me to pick you up when it’s sleeting outside? I can’t drive in those conditions. You know how nervous I get if I have to drive in bad weather. Do you want me to get killed? Thanks for caring so much!”

Maybe you’re more of a dysfunctional taker, someone who displays a limited capacity to understand, empathize, and meet their partner’s reasonable wants and needs. This limitation leads them to excessive manipulation, control, neglect, and abuse of others. Essentially, takers consume as much as possible from others without regard for their welfare. They do not consistently reciprocate in relationships, and tend to make others victims of a double standard, treating them in ways they themselves would not tolerate. Takers are psychological vampires. They draw as much “blood” as they can from their partners, friends, or family members, and then they either ignore or toss them aside. Paradoxically, takers become very frustrated and outraged when others are not there to meet their wants and needs. 

Typical actions and emotions that takers show are: displacing aggression on others close to them; fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt; excessive need for control; enhancing personal self-esteem at the expense of others; avoidance of responsibilities; low frustration tolerance; extreme feelings of entitlement. Takers tend to come across to others as very secure and high in self-esteem. However, they are neither. Takers desperately need to be the “top dog,” and seek relationships that allow them to satisfy their deep insecurities.Takers tend to test others early in a relationship in order to discover what they may be able to get away with down the road. For example, to avoid paying for dinner or some other activity, they “forget” their credit card or claim they will not get paid until next week. They may arrive forty-five minutes late for a date without a plausible explanation, and try to excuse their behavior by commenting on some recent stress, problem, lack of sleep, or a similar excuse. These actions are a way of gauging how the other person will respond. A passive or deferential type of response gives a taker a sign that this is the type of person they are likely to be able to manipulate.

Both these patterns are childlike, which prevents both givers and takers from becoming mature, constructive partners. They lose out on a great deal of satisfaction in their marriages, parent-child relations, and friendships.