Zach’s father abandoned the family when Zach was just a child, and he grew up with an alcoholic mother who had a gambling problem. These experiences planted the seeds of insecurity and abandonment anxiety in Zach’s mind, but throughout childhood and into his teen years and young adulthood, Zach compensated by being outgoing and socially active. In college he developed a close friendship with a classmate, Kyle, and was pretty much “adopted” by Kyle’s family. He spent a lot of time with them and Kyle’s dad became a surrogate dad to Zach.
After graduating from college, Zach and Kyle worked at Kyle’s family business. Zach married and they began a family. Zach, however, was chronically plagued by unresolved issues from his childhood and adolescence; he fought fears of being abandoned and alone, clearly the result of his father leaving, and the lack of warmth and nurturance from his mother. Zach spent most of his adulthood avoiding facing these issues and the insecurities they caused him. He neither appreciated nor understood how powerful and stressful these conflicts were; nor was he able to face the reality that they prevented him from ever truly trusting and sharing himself fully with anyone. Psychologically, he was chronically adrift and lonely.
Zach’s denial and avoidance of facing his core conflicts became manifest in fanciful “get rich quick schemes,” and he developed a serious gambling problem. He confided to Kyle, “No amount of money will ever be enough for me.” His risky schemes and gambling worsened, and he had to borrow large sums of money, most of which he never paid back. Problems and pressures grew. On more than one occasion Zach quit his job, only to return days later asking to be reinstated. The time came, however, when Kyle’s father said, “No.” Soon, Zach faced bankruptcy, loss of his home, public shame, and embarrassment. During this time, he consulted a priest and psychologist, but he never fully revealed to either the real nature of his psychological problems. He was never sufficiently motivated to confront his fears. Feeling alone and unwanted, he was hell bent on self-destruction, a perfect example of how unchecked self-sabotage actions lead to inescapable blind alleys.
One day Zach’s wife came home and found him dead by his own hand. There was no note; there were no good-byes. From Zach’s perspective, there was no more pain for him. He no longer needed to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Memories of his father’s abandonment, and painful comparisons of his life versus Kyle’s did not have to be endured any longer. Zach quit on his wife and kids the way his dad quit on him. Ultimately, he became caught in a vicious cycle of self-destruction that led to his death. He was filled with too much anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, shame, low self-esteem, hopelessness, narcissism, and self-defeating actions to overcome the conflicts and fears that had begun decades earlier.
[NOTE: We learned the details of Zach’s life from his wife, who came to counseling to deal with his suicide.]
Psychology and Stress 