Are you regularly self-critical, always casting yourself as the enemy? It’s tough to cope effectively if you are your own enemy. Sure, you have negative thoughts and feelings, but it helps to remember that they are a natural part of life, and having them does not make you weird or abnormal. If someone criticizes you, well, that’s their problem, not yours; you’re not here to live up to others’ expectations. You must also remember your values. Do you give in to self-destructive behavior—drug/alcohol abuse, social withdrawal, gambling, eating disorders, jeopardizing your family’s welfare—at the expense of your values? If you value your roles as parent, spouse, employee, or friend, but, at the same time, let yourself become less effective in these roles, how can you expect to feel good about yourself? If you value work, family, and friends, you must act accordingly, and with a sincere commitment and dedication. Coordinate your actions with your values.
Do you regularly ask yourself, “How am I doing?” or, “Am I happy enough?” If you overdo this self-focus you can lose your ability to feel satisfied in the present. For example, chronically depressed and anxious people are likely to focus on whether they are feeling better. They search for answers in social situations to see how they are doing: “Does Joe see I’m here?” “Do I look foolish to Sally?” They also monitor their own actions: “Is my heart racing?” “Am I sweating?” “Am I just pretending?” “How well am I relating?” They try to feel “right,” which makes it impossible to be themselves and have a good time. Coping well with stress does not mean you should constantly check on your actions and worry about what others are thinking. It’s the same with trying to maintain complete control over what’s going on around you. Such efforts are not coping solutions, but only present you with coping problems. In the final analysis, actions based on fear and anxiety are the basis for the issues most people face; fear and anxiety are the motivators for the conflicts that produce most psychological problems and encourage inappropriate actions. Can you see that your emotions are not the problem, but inappropriate actions servicing the emotions are?
Stop treating your emotions as if they are alien invaders. They are you! We all have them and they are a natural part of living. You are not weird. Accept your emotions but do not be governed or dominated by them. Acceptance of their presence and focusing on your behavior are the keys to effective coping.
Psychology and Stress 