Fernandez and Dries note in Best Practices in Supporting Grieving Students, “Many times people think those who experienced a loss have grieved ‘long enough’ (according to their own arbitrary expectations) and therefore should simply move on. As with other mental health conditions, this simply is not true; grief is a process of healing that must run its course. Mourning is the process that transforms acute grief into something manageable. It is the utilization of coping strategies, while remembering the loved person, that can lead the bereaved to healing.”
Grief is one of those emotions that holds the temptation of avoidance and denial in front of us. People often say, “I wish I could avoid the grief I’m feeling. This loss has just been devastating to me and I am having such a hard time keeping the grief from getting to me.” As we often see in these blog posts, avoidance is a major obstacle to coping with life’s challenges. Grief is no different, and when we are confronted with it, we must expend a lot of emotional effort to work through it and not work around it. Fernandez and Dries point out that grief is also often complicated by denial, depression, and guilt: The grief-stricken may not accept the loss as real (e.g., denial); they may be so consumed by their grief that they lose themselves (e.g., depression); they may feel guilty that they caused the loss (e.g., magical thinking); and, they may feel they are disrespecting the other party if they re-engage. Such reactions can exacerbate grief. People generally do not realize that grief from loss is often a sign of the strengths your lost loved one has given you. Thus, grief must not be dreaded, denied, covered up, or avoided; to do so would dishonor the memory of the one now gone. Instead of avoidance, you can direct your grief into the coping skills taught to you by your lost loved one; in this way you deal with your grief by using the strengths the person gave you, and by doing so you honor the person.
How can you best grieve over the loss of a loved one? Accept that grief is a sign of the immense strengths the one you have lost has given you. Your grief means that you have loved. Work through your grief by cherishing the love you experienced with the one you have lost. Grief must not be denied, or avoided; to do so would dishonor the memory of the one now gone. Use mourning to embrace your grief as a tribute to the loved one. Channel your grief into the coping skills taught to you, and thus re-define the grief into effective coping behavior. You will always miss your loved one; but you will also treasure the memories of this person who so effectively taught you to meet the challenges now facing you. Remember that the deeper your grief, the stronger your love for the lost one, and the better you are able to cope. Move forward positively, and work through your grief, not around it by denial or avoidance. Complete the tasks and challenges that face you to honor your lost one.
Psychology and Stress 