Meredith’s case illustrates how childhood experiences can form the core of psychological dysfunctions and persist well into adulthood—specifically how early chronic avoidance of psychological conflicts can lead to later self-destructive actions. When these actions occur over long periods of time, replacing them with more productive behaviors is extremely difficult for both therapist and client.
Meredith grew up in a secluded, economically- and socially-depressed small town. She was the oldest of five siblings and it was her job to help take care of them because mom worked and dad was chronically ill. Her parents were very domineering, and throughout her teen years they reminded Meredith again and again that she was not living up to their expectations; her early years brought her nothing but constant criticism from her parents. Their frequent scolding and emotional abuse stifled her development of a healthy identity, self-esteem, and self-confidence; she grew into adulthood believing she was incompetent, unworthy, and unable to meet others’ standards.
Meredith graduated from high school and over the next ten years had two failed marriages, both to alcoholics. Predictably, she married men who treated her poorly. Because of her childhood, she expected poor treatment from men and, ironically, this was the type of treatment that made her comfortable. It seems paradoxical—although a dynamic that psychologists see often—that people who have psychologically painful experiences in childhood frequently find themselves as adults attracted to partners who re-create that childhood distress. Why? The conflict and distress are what they are used to dealing with, and that familiarity provides them with a sense of predictability.
In her 30s Meredith found her way into counseling, and began to show some insight into her problems. “Everywhere I go I see couples. It seems that there is no one made for me.” She adds, “Being alone makes me wonder if I think right. Sometimes I pray to die. Since high school the world isn’t what I thought it would be. I’m tired. I’ve worked all of my life and have nothing to show for it.” Her counselor says, “Meredith doesn’t want to kill herself because she believes she will go to hell as a sinner. But, she says there’s no joy in her life, only fear. She admits that people are her downfall.” She doesn’t speak with others unless they speak to her first, and at lunchtime she eats in her car to avoid being around co-workers. These actions keep her feeling lonely and alienated. Her counselor says, “Meredith has no confidence when it comes to interacting with others. The strong negative influence of her troublesome childhood years is very apparent. It’s tough to break down.”
Meredith basically spends her days re-creating her childhood. She believes she can never live up to others’ expectations, and she has put herself between a rock and a hard place. Her withdrawal from life creates a self-fulfilling prophesy because she does not allow herself to have productive social experiences that can re-program her brain. She feels socially inept, and is so afraid of being around others that she is unwilling to learn how to interact with others and just be herself. In typical subtle-suicide, self-sabotaging fashion, she says, “I don’t care if I live or die.” Meredith’s case illustrates several rules of effective coping: First, she allows herself to be dominated by a concern for what others may think of her, something over which she has no control; second, she is unwilling to develop actions in her present that will help her stop living the pity parade of her past; third, she keeps herself as the center of her life; finally, she has not given herself permission to experience life and empathize with others. Although she continues in counseling, her counselor notes, “Her prognosis is not good.”
Psychology and Stress 