A basic premise in psychology says that if you see yourself voluntarily doing a task—no one is forcing you to do it—you are likely to decide the task is important and worthwhile. After all, isn’t deciding that the task is important more logical than concluding that you are wasting your time on the task? A nice side effect of your decision is that when you see yourself doing a worthwhile task, you are likely to feel productive, satisfied, and empowered. And when you feel empowered you feel competent, confident, energized, and useful—all characteristics of someone who is coping well with everyday stressors.
Many folks approach coping by focusing on their feelings: “I’m so stressed; I’m too anxious and worried; I’m thinking too negatively; I’ve got to think more positively and look on the bright side.” Sadly, this approach is likely to fail because you are focusing on finding elusive states like happiness and serenity by thinking your way through the search. The power of positive thinking may sound great, but that so-called “power” is severely limited. Thinking does not make it so; acting does. We’re not saying that you should never think positively; we’re simply saying that the power of positive thinking is limited, but the power of positive actions is limitless because positive feelings emerge from positive activity. You do not “find” something like happiness; it emerges by seeing yourself doing worthwhile things. Here we see the Golden Rule of coping: It’s not always all about you and how you are entitled to find happiness. To cope with everyday stressors, you must not consider yourself the main ingredient in your life recipe; you must get outside yourself and voluntarily do things for others. You will feel empowered and useful when you focus on others’ needs rather than your emotions. There are, however, limits.
Cindy and Ryan met in college. They were “crazy” about each other. “It was such a fun, carefree time in my life,” Cindy says. “I loved it!” Before too long, though, Ryan’s controlling nature began to rear its ugly head. He got upset when he felt they were not together enough. Even if it was only a few hours separation, Ryan would ask her what she was up to, and why she was not with him. Cindy remembers thinking, “He needs me. But I also felt I was being a little wimpy tending to his every need.”
After graduating, Ryan got a job that put him a four-hour drive from Cindy, who was still in college. The relationship began to deteriorate because now Ryan had less control over Cindy’s activities. He did not have a reliable car, and he was upset when she did not regularly drive four hours to see him. Ryan was insecure, but he blamed his insecurity on Cindy. Then, Cindy studied abroad for a semester. Ryan had an even harder time dealing with this geographical reality. Cindy remembers, “It became harder and harder to keep him happy as well as keep myself sane while I was overseas. Those four months I was away took the biggest toll on both of us. I didn’t allow the constant fighting to ruin my time spent overseas, but it forced me to look at my relationship for what it was and not the fairytale I had come to believe.”
When Cindy returned from her semester abroad, Ryan became almost irrationally controlling; he got upset even if she went to the mall without calling to tell him. They broke up within a month. Cindy later reflected on things: “I don’t want my experience with Ryan to turn me against trying to please my partner in a relationship. He had a lot of issues that he needed to work out that I couldn’t fix, but I still tried too long to be strong and supportive for him. Those actions didn’t work for me because I lost my confidence in making my own decisions, and was worrying about what he thought. I think I’ve learned that it’s important to support others, but not to the extent that I sacrifice my own sense of empowerment.”
Psychology and Stress 