How do some people manage to “find” each other and think their relationship stands a chance? Imagine, for instance, putting a mean child and a selfish one in the same room day after day. That’s Alexis and Ed, two manipulative, self-centered takers—“I want what you have and will give nothing in return.”—who eventually frustrate and bring out the worst in each other. Each also blames the other for the relationship problems, which eliminates any hope of conflict resolution. They had each been married before they met. Alexis had only been married once, but had three children from this marriage. They had married when young and immature, and the children basically “got in the way” of their development as individuals and as a couple. They argued a lot and grew apart. Ed had two unsuccessful marriages under his belt. He had no children, had been in prison, and had a history of drug use, abusing women, and failed relationships.
Alexis and Ed came to counseling together. Both were middle age, smart and attractive. Alexis had a histrionic personality—vain, demanding, and attention seeking. Everything about her was dramatic, from her mannerisms, to her style of dress, to her obvious breast enhancement surgery. She drank excessively in public, and was flirtatious toward both acquaintances and strangers. “Hey, what’s wrong with having a good time and showing off your assets,” she said. “Guys like to flash their American Express card. Well, I’ve got some things going for me, too!” Ed complained, “Alex is out of control most of the time. She spends and spends and is always flaunting herself around other men. She should be with me, spending more time with me. She seems to forget that I have needs, and a wife should satisfy her husband’s needs.”
In counseling it was quickly obvious that there were many sources of conflict. Ed could not see any positive things Alexis brought to their relationship, and he would not acknowledge responsibility for his part in their difficulties. He was preoccupied with money and Alexis’s expensive lifestyle. He showed little commitment to Alexis’s children or a family life in general. He wanted time with his new wife and his hobbies, and only gave lip service to being a stepfather. He wanted Alexis all to himself, and refused to sacrifice or compromise.
Alexis was slow to recognize that she had brought a psychological monster into her family. He was self-employed because he did not like to work for others or deal with rules and authority figures. Alexis also hated his friends. “They’re crude and disgusting. I can’t stand having them in the house. They’re just pigs!” she declared. Early in the relationship, she let the kids get to know him, but he was a poor role model. Alexis kidded herself and kept hoping he would change so she could monopolize his attention. Her wishes, of course, never came true. Ed’s dysfunctional personality was not going to change—nor was Alexis’s—and because both she and Ed were takers, their pairing would never work.
In counseling, Ed saw that things were not going his way and he stopped coming. He moved out of the house and took everything that was not nailed down. The honeymoon was over, and now Alexis would not get the attention she craved. For her future, unless she changes her histrionic styles—which is not likely—she will never have anything but superficial relationships. As for Ed, he is unlikely to change and does not really want a good relationship because he is a consumer who takes advantage of others for his own benefit. He only sought counseling to see if he could turn things to his advantage.
Ed and Alexis’s marriage was based on locked-in personality traits that stressed taking, not giving, and denial of the realities around them. There was little hope of communication, compromise, and empathy, fundamental pillars of any healthy relationship.
Psychology and Stress 