Do you ever feel you have a lot of positive traits, but you have trouble expressing them in your daily living? Frustrating, isn’t it? This disconnect between who you believe you are and what you exhibit to others is a danger signal that you are not coping very well. Here is a case study that shows the potential serious consequences of this disconnect.
Joe is a young adult who has been in outpatient psychotherapy for a couple of months. In the past he has seen two other counselors and two psychiatrists, and taken numerous prescriptions for antidepressants and mood stabilizers, all without much success. He said the psychiatric medications helped somewhat with his depression, but not his unhappiness. His comment reminds us that depression and unhappiness are relatively independent states, although they overlap; people can be unhappy without being depressed, but clinically depressed people are invariably unhappy. Joe’s statement that separates his depression from his unhappiness is typical of those who are ambivalent about living. Joe, for instance, describes himself as “smart, funny and attractive,” yet says, “I can’t get myself to feel these ways.” This comment is a very telling signal that anyone having coping problems should watch for carefully: you feel you have positive traits, but you don’t experience them in your daily living.
Joe recalls being, in his words, “normal” until reaching the teen years; at this time in his life he remembers becoming unhappy and introverted. “High school was miserable. I’m glad it’s over.” During his teens Joe was unable to assert his individuality and identity. Independence frightened him and he found it increasingly hard to make decisions and take responsibility for his actions. He felt alone, and reacted with self-defeating and self-destructive actions: he withdrew from others, abused alcohol and drugs, and engaged in unprotected sex with multiple partners. He became dissatisfied with himself, and developed very low self-esteem. “I really felt guilty because I wasn’t growing normally.”
Joe was adrift and had no clear purpose in life. He admitted he had no dreams or future goals. He said, “I don’t see myself living a normal life.” During one counseling session he blurted out, “I want to be struck by lightning or have some kind of freak accident.” When asked, “If you didn’t wake up tomorrow would that be okay?” He replied; “Well, yeah, I’d be dead so it wouldn’t matter.” Asked, “At the end of a tough day, who can you relate to and reach out for comfort?” he replied, “My cats.” The thing to note here is that Joe’s drift into a purposeless life began in his teen years. Now in his 30s, he has had nearly two decades of approaching life in this lackadaisical way. A lot of self-sabotaging habits have had a chance to strengthen; as they became more entrenched, they became more difficult to confront and modify.
The hard thing about Joe’s case is that there are no glaring early childhood issues that seem to have set things in motion. Joe himself said that until adolescence, his life was fairly conventional, “normal.” However, during his teen years, a tough period of storm and stress for nearly everyone, he had no guidance from role models to help him develop some achievement motivation, purpose, and social adjustment. His therapist says, however, that there are things to work with, notably Joe’s description of himself as “smart, funny, and attractive.” The counseling plan involved helping him coordinate these beliefs with his actions to become more assertive in confronting his life challenges.
Psychology and Stress 