Last week we ended our post with these words: “The discipline of Psychology has shown again and again how an emphasis on ‘Me’ puts individuals on a self-destructive path that damages not only themselves, but also their family, friends, and acquaintances. Why would we expect anything different at the level of a society and country?”
In this age of unbridled self-preoccupation, it is easy to offend others. I once heard a politician say: “I’m offended by this, and I’m offended by my colleagues that are offended by what we’re doing.” He sounded like a frightened, self-centered person who is unable to confront a stressful situation in a constructive way. How about you? Are you regularly offended? Do you use it as an avoidance strategy? Is that how you want to go through life—mired in a swamp of avoidance and denial, unable to be flexible? Do you want to be a servant to your fears and anxieties—unguided by a system of values, with a loss of direction that makes you ambivalent about your worth?
Carl would answer those questions with a resounding “No!” A work colleague’s actions offended him but he did not avoid confronting the situation in a constructive way. Carl heard via the office grapevine that Nick, a recent hire at the company, was spreading a rumor that Carl had “padded” a travel expenses report. Nick had only been at the company for a couple of weeks, but he already was getting a reputation as a troublemaker. He always had “better ways” of doing things, and eagerly passed them on to the boss. He also seemed to enjoy spreading malicious gossip about his co-workers.
Carl was infuriated at Nick’s accusations. He could have used Nick’s upsetting and untrue accusation in an avoidance way, such as spreading derogatory rumors about Nick. Instead, in front of other colleagues, he confronted Nick and very forcefully issued an ultimatum: “Nick, I am offended by your comments that I filed false travel expenses. They are not true and I want you to give me and our colleagues standing here evidence supporting your accusation. Otherwise, I want an apology right now, and admit that you made up your accusation about me. I demand it! Evidence or apology! Right now!” Nick’s face showed he was stunned by Carl’s attack, and he proceeded to apologize, and stumbled through an excuse that he “misread some of the figures in your report.” No one present bought it, and Nick was thereafter shunned by his co-workers.
Americans are showing a lot of self-preoccupation these days, and unfortunately—unlike the appropriate actions taken by Carl—that usually leads to avoidance behavior driven by anger, hostility, and conflict. We frequently talk about the negative consequences of narcissism and self-absorption in this blog: people retreat into the comfort zone of their own needs, which makes them more dependent on others, incapable of critical thinking, and vulnerable to false messages; incoming information is molded to fit their beliefs; their sense of autonomy crumbles; their purposefulness and ability to see meaning in life fade away; and they fail to see how self-destructive their emotion-based actions have become. Frustrated and fearful of abandonment, their only recourse is to lash out—sometimes violently—at others.
The first step in coping with stress is accepting a simple fact: “I am not the primary ingredient in every recipe.” Until you put that understanding into practice, both your individual self-esteem and collective striving toward your group goals will suffer. So, let’s end our post this week like we did last week: psychological study shows how an emphasis on “Me” puts individuals on a self-sabotaging path that damages not only them, but also those around them. Why would we expect anything different in society?
Psychology and Stress 