“We’re both givers so we’ll get along just fine and have a great relationship.” Maybe not. Dr. Michael Church says there are four types of givers: Self-sacrificing—passive and eager to please, they put their needs on hold to let others feel stronger and more dominant; Hypersensitive—anxious, fearful, and easy to hurt, they avoid basic responsibilities in life; Indecisive—afraid to make decisions, they rely on others and need constant reassurance they are loved; Benevolent Dictator—seeks control, but in a conventional and non-malicious manner. Church says that in some relationships with two givers, sparks can fly depending on the combination; the personalities may be too much alike to get along unless the partners make fundamental changes in their actions and expectations. The case of Andy and Gloria is an example.
Andy and Gloria met in their late twenties and married 18 months later. Prior to meeting, neither had experienced a serious emotional relationship. Both also came from highly dysfunctional families. They described their fathers as verbally abusive and demanding, and their mothers in less than flattering terms. As each moved through their teen years, they both were eager to reach an age when they could leave home and begin independent lives.
Andy and Gloria entered counseling complaining of a lack of intimacy in the relationship. Andy immediately stood out as a hypersensitive, dependent individual who also had narcissistic qualities. He lacked empathy, was very possessive, and could not take criticism. Gloria, on the other hand, came across as self-sacrificing, while also showing histrionic traits; she could be very dramatic and attention-seeking. She wanted to start a family and—waving her arms in the air vigorously—she complained, “It’s hard enough to get pregnant for God’s sake, and it just doesn’t help things if we only have sex once a month or even less.” Andy just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Hey, I can’t help it if I’m tired a lot and just don’t feel like it. I’m not a machine.”
As counseling progressed, Gloria developed a variety of vague physical complaints. Despite seeing many medical specialists, there was never any diagnosis that seemed to explain her symptoms. Her therapist began to suspect that her symptoms were the result of frustration with her lifestyle and marriage. She was unhappy with the lack of marital intimacy and potential to have a child, and felt her life dreams were slowly vanishing before her eyes. When asked if she thought she would be better off out of the marriage, she said that when she suggested to Andy that they consider a separation to help them see things in a better perspective, he became very manipulative, almost childlike. Then he begged for forgiveness and quickly shifted to trying make her feel guilty for even bringing up the subject.
The more serious their marital difficulties became, the more dependent Andy became on her. He talked about finishing college and getting a better job, but made no real effort to do so. “I’m just going through a tough time, Glo. I promise you I’m going to look harder for a better job, and then we’ll have more money. I just know I can find something.”
“I’ve heard that song and dance, Andy. When are you going to look for this great job? You keep saying you’ll do it but you don’t. Why can’t I get you to be stronger? Your empty promises are wearing me down, you know. I don’t know what to do.” Gloria was too focused on her husband’s needs and not enough on her own. She could not assert herself consistently and strongly enough with him. Consequently, she did not see too many ways to change her life. It was simply too frustrating for her to care about her wants and needs because she did not believe Andy could satisfy them.
Andy and Gloria stopped going to counseling after several months, even though they never met their goals. They had a friendship that worked to a degree, and they were willing to stay in their no-growth relationship. The alternative would require them to make dramatic changes in their lives that would take them out of their comfort zones and produce a lot of stress, uncertainty, and more independent decisions and lifestyles. The opportunities—which they probably saw more as new stressors—for a better life associated with these challenges were not enough to motivate them towards significant change, either together or apart. Unfortunately, neither Andy nor Gloria brought out the best in the other. They each lacked both the physical and emotional chemistry needed, and were unwilling to change their relationship. They stayed together for the wrong reasons. He was extremely dependent and attached to her no matter what. She was willing to sacrifice her needs for his, even if that meant she would not be happy. We lost touch with them after they left counseling.
Psychology and Stress 