Trouble stirring in your relationship? Ask yourself: “Am I giving up too much of myself?” “Is my self-identity suffering in this relationship?” “Do I need to be more assertive?” These questions are not relevant in every relationship, but they are with Jen and Bob, a couple who sought marital counseling when Jen learned of Bob’s affair. They had been married for 13 years and had three young children. Everyone in the family was physically healthy, and Jen and Bob worked as professionals; money was not a problem. They had a history of good times together. Sure, there were strains and stressors: kids, house, and their jobs, but nothing extreme or unmanageable. What happened?
Initially, counseling involved looking into the dynamics of their lives before marriage. Bob described his father—the only deceased parent of the four—as abusive and strict. Bob was an only child, so he got the brunt of punishment and demands doled out regularly by his father. Bob described his mother as nurturing, supportive, and protective. She was, however, absent a lot because of her professional employment. Bob developed into a hypersensitive individual with some rebellious traits. The latter was due to some suppressed anger toward authority (Dad), and uncertainty about how to express the anger because of fear of retaliation. “Dad really intimated me,” said Bob. “I was angry at him and resented him a lot, but I was really scared of him. He could really dish out the punishment.”
Jen dad was the nurturing and sensitive one in her family, whereas her mom was supportive but “tough.” Jen’s family life encouraged her to develop into a hard-working, self-sacrificing person who was open and forgiving, traits that were not dominant in Bob. Jen also became far less oppositional than her husband; Bob would be more likely to challenge and disagree with Jen’s decisions than Jen would be with Bob’s. Jen leaned more toward conciliation and compromise.
For the first decade of marriage, their relationship was solid, although Bob sometimes was too uncompromising and self-centered. Jen brushed it aside as not worth worrying about. (denial and avoidance.) Jen says, “I remember thinking that he should be a little more considerate and see how I felt about things. But he would just charge ahead and do whatever he wanted to do without discussing it with me. I remember being a little disappointed and frustrated, but I just chalked it up to a quirk of his. No big deal, I figured.”
On the surface Bob was a great guy who would do almost anything for anyone. Inside, however, there was a rebel lurking to express itself, and here we come to the crucial elements in the dynamics of this marriage: Jen was excessively sacrificing for the sake of the family; Bob, however, was tough in dealings with his family—just as his father had been—and he saved his nurturing, supportive side for those outside his family. He could not say “no” to friends, co-workers, relatives, and even the woman with whom he had the affair. The woman was aggressive in pursuing him, and he finally gave in. Bob was a patsy outside the home.
During counseling Bob admitted to his anger over the emotional deprivation he suffered at the hands of his father. He confessed he never really felt he was good enough for anyone, feelings that began with interactions with his dad. He felt he needed to keep trying to prove to everyone he was lovable. At an intellectual level, he knew such a goal was irrational but emotionally he was driven in this direction. Jen, meanwhile, was paying most of her attention to the kids. She had let the marriage slip a bit by giving insufficient attention to Bob, thereby awakening some of the emotional deprivation issues he had from his childhood. Jen’s lack of attention also meant that Bob was doing pretty much whatever he wanted without ever being questioned about it.
Eventually, Bob achieved some insight into the origin of his problems, and realized that his marriage showed he was indeed quite lovable. He also got a better handle on his underlying resentment for rules and conventions that his father had beat into him. “These insights allowed me to start concentrating on my marriage more, and the affair less,” Bob observed later. The other woman concocted a story that she was pregnant with Bob’s child but miscarried. Bob said, “It took me a long time to understand how pathological this woman was, and to finally accept her crazy story as a lie. It wasn’t easy to reach that point, though.”
Jen stood firm and supported Bob’s counseling and his efforts to produce changes in himself. “OK, sure, a lot of women would have told Bob to go to hell,” Jen says. “To me, though, holding the family together came first. Sure, I was upset and mad, but I couldn’t let those feelings get in the way of saving the family. I saw the affair as more Bob’s lust, not love of that woman, and that gave me something to work with.” After many sessions, Bob learned how to genuinely receive love from his wife. More importantly, he learned that he did not have to continuously prove his worth, and fill himself with approval, status, and recognition from others, especially those outside his family and work life. He came to realize that the extramarital affair was not simply a mid-life crisis, but was a failed attempt to prove he was lovable and needed. Both Bob and Jen pledged more quality time to one another. Bob was finally growing beyond his childhood demons, which allowed Jen to do the same, although her demons were much milder in degree.
Psychology and Stress 