The candidacy of Kamala Harris is resurrecting the old chauvinistic attitudes of women’s appropriate place in society, and stoking the pre-Betty Friedan anxieties of women in America. Prejudicial attitudes toward women have never died out, but for the past 60 years they have largely been dormant. Now, however, thanks to high-profile conservative politicians, childless women are described as second-class, and exaltation of family values trumps women’s career aspirations. Furthermore, it is not adulterous men who threaten those values; no, it is working—especially childless—women who are the threats. Yes, ladies, it’s back: you belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or you are a traitor to your gender and country. As society rushes toward more conservative values, conservatives push the message that the working woman is in a pressure-cooker environment that renders her too tired at the end of the day to devote quality time to her family and other domestic issues. The family suffers. From a psychological perspective, this is an unsubstantiated and unfair characterization that puts needless pressure and guilt on many women. Working women listen carefully: it is the quality of time with your family that matters, not necessarily the amount of time. Your career is not an inherent threat to your family.
There are some interesting research findings in this area. Working women are usually found to be psychologically and physically healthy. Compared to non-working women, those who work show lower cholesterol levels; have a lower incidence of general illness; are less depressed; and say that their job gives them an outlet for the stresses of domestic duties. These findings do not mean that stay-at-home moms should get out there in the workplace so they can be healthier! The point is, if women are doing what makes them comfortable and satisfied, they’re going to be fine. Many moms want to be stay-at-home caregivers, and doing so gives them satisfaction, pleasure, a sense of purpose, and a healthy slice of personal identity. Some moms extend this role when the kids reach school age, and they home school the kids.
Other women, however, may want to pursue a career outside the home, even if they have young children. Doing so, of course, sometimes carries the danger of instilling guilt: “Am I doing what’s best for my spouse and kids? Am I thinking about them, or am I being selfish and thinking only of myself?” To all you working moms out there, you have no need to fear playing multiple roles—career woman and mom—and still providing an emotionally rich and healthy environment for your kids, spouse, and yourself. With appropriate planning, organization, and flexibility, you can cope quite well.
If you are having some guilt about work causing separation from your children, here are some things to consider. They are obvious and simple things, but most actions that help you cope effectively are obvious and simple: Remember that working is not the issue; the things you do with your kids after work is the issue. You can involve the kids in dinner preparation, even if it means removing take-out from boxes. Help your kids with their homework every evening. If they’re not yet in school, do some learning activities with them that are appropriate for their level of cognitive development. Do physical activities with them, again ones appropriate to their developmental level. Schedule a special “talking with mom” time each evening. This is their time with you, so let them determine the direction of conversation. If they are involved in formal school activities like sports, plays, band, etc., support these activities and attend events.
We bet you could add lots of actions to this list. Just remember that effective coping actions do not have to be complex. Problems tend to develop when we complicate issues, so focus on the obvious and simple things. One final note: although we directed our comments at moms, they also apply to dads. Men often serve as primary or co-primary caregivers, either as single dads or as working dads whose wife is also working. We didn’t mean to leave you out guys, so consider our effective coping actions as also applying to you. Comfort level is the key. In fact, whether man or woman, heading home on Friday for a weekend with the kids after a particularly tough week might be very pleasant and invigorating. By the same token, heading to work on Monday after a weekend of dealing with diapers, tantrums, and crying might be equally pleasant and invigorating!
Psychology and Stress 