Attack Stress, Don’t Deny It

There’s a lot of denial out there. People deny that it’s time to go to the dentist to check out a tooth that’s bothering them; older workers say, “Not ready to retire yet; I can out work anyone on the line”; grandpa refuses to give up the car keys; a woman’s son is in and out of trouble with the cops, but she insists, “He’s doing fine; just trying to find himself.” And on it goes. In the world of psychology, denial boils down to avoidance of facing challenges, and admitting who you are and what you can do when you are faced with stress. Denial is avoidance, and avoidance is the primary obstacle to coping with stress. When you are struggling to cope with stress, ask yourself, “What am I avoiding?”

If you work hard to avoid stress in your life, you will stop living! Stress is a vital part of being alive, and trying to eliminate it is a losing strategy. In fact, you’ll end up not only alone, but also lonely. You’ll suffer despair, helplessness, and hopelessness; your self-esteem and confidence will be in the toilet; your world will spin out of control, and the next stop on your life path will be, sorry to say, depression.

Stress, challenges, obstacles, hard work, frustration, anger, anxiety, and a host of other things you prefer to avoid must not be avoided. Challenges are a part of life, and those bothersome emotions are a part of you, not alien invaders. To try and avoid them will compromise your very being. So rather than avoid, attack! Confront challenges, meet them head on, deal with them, and try to resolve them. Accept your emotions as a part of who you are, and use their energy to empower yourself. Effective coping does not mean whining about how unfair it all is, or wearing a badge saying “anxiety sufferer” on your chest. Those are avoidance actions. Rather, strengthen yourself by downsizing that ego of yours and go into attack mode! Confront the stress and face the fact that you have some weaknesses. The result will be that you become stronger and better equipped to cope with everyday stresses.

Going into attack mode is difficult, and it may sound impossible to do, but if you are willing to play by the rules, you can learn how to devise a plan to have more meaningful, satisfying, and productive outcomes in your life. Your plan must include specific actions to take. Avoidance actions? No, not unless you have no control over the person or the situation, and in that case, you must disengage and avoid. Directing personal empowerment at events over which you have no control is a waste of time and self-defeating. Focus on those things you can control: your thoughts and your actions.

In carrying out your plan remember to live in the present, accept your emotions and the stress in your life, learn from your failures, and keep in fighting shape with healthy exercise and diet. Above all, remember that positive actions are more powerful than positive thoughts, so structure your plan around positive actions. Here are some suggestions: Stop apologizing to yourself or others for being emotional in certain situations; channel your stress into productive activities like volunteering and serving others, joining a gym, taking a surprise family outing, having lunch with friends, or other enjoyable things. Keep a record of when you feel stressed and what you are doing at the time; don’t focus on the stress or the emotions you feel, but on realistic and positive actions you can take; schedule stressful events at times when you expect relatively few demands on you; devote high-quality time to important aspects of your life, such as marriage, career, friendships and family; In confrontational situations, take slow, deep, steady breaths and concentrate on making calm but assertive comments; monitor and modify your negative, self-defeating thoughts.

That last item is important. People often ask, “How do I control my thoughts? How do I stop thinking negative things, self-critical thoughts? How do I handle all those ideas that are downers and torment me?” How about this: perform positive, constructive actions that bring you a sense of satisfaction and empowerment. Do that workout at the gym; serve lunch to the homeless in a soup kitchen; call a friend and say, “I was just wondering if you had anything going on that I can help you with.” Then you can think about those actions during the day. Not only will you be teaching yourself to think positively, but you will also get a sense of fulfillment, peace, and competence. You’ll feel better about yourself, with the added benefit of being less stressed out.