Relationship problem? Ask yourself some questions: (1) Who do I feel I have to be in this relationship to make it work? (2) Do I like myself in this role? (3) Does this relationship help me expand my own sense of self? (4) What pronoun predominates my conversations—“I” or “We”? (5) How well do you feel your partner knows you? (5) Does the relationship make you want to be a better person? Questions like these can help you determine if your relationship is one of codependency. Definitions of codependency vary, but most a focus on the idea of self-sacrifice: one partner suppresses their own emotions in favor of the partner’s feelings, and attempts to control or fix other partner’s problems. For an example, let’s consider Donna.
Donna had an alcoholic, lazy father, and a co-dependent mother who generally lived in denial about problems in the family. The mother was very good at making Donna feel guilty if she did not help around the house. She also sought sympathy from Donna for being such a martyr in putting up with Donna’s no-good father. Donna remembers her father as an alcoholic since she was twelve years old: “He was a lawyer but was unemployed much of the time. He sat around and watched TV all day. Mom basically enabled this behavior by acting like nothing was wrong or that he just wasn’t even around. It was weird,” Donna remembers. “He always managed to leech money from her for his addiction. I’ve often wondered why I felt unemotional during my high school years.”
Donna met Phil while living at home and in college. Phil was in counseling for ADHD, anger management, bipolar disorder, and depression. Donna still found him attractive, plus she believed she could help him. After they had been dating for about a year, Donna began going to counseling sessions with Phil because they had begun having some problems in their relationship. She felt he was trying to control her life, watching her every move, and making considerable demands on her. For instance, he was calling her on the phone several times a day, asking what she was doing, not in a casual “How is everything?” tone, but in a confrontational “Are you behaving?” tone. Invariably, an argument would begin during the calls. When asked about the obsessive calling, Phil said he could not stop himself. He said, “I would heat up in a blind rage. I couldn’t control myself. I just had to know what Donna was up to and try to control her.” Phil came from a family that had a lot of money, and he was used to getting whatever he wanted. His entitlement expectation grew and continued into adulthood, and he developed a lot of narcissistic traits.
One day while eating out with friends, Donna and Phil had a huge fight after she innocently offered some food to one of his friends. After they left the restaurant and were in the car in the restaurant parking lot, he blew up and literally screamed at her: “You were flirting with him all night. If you want him, get the hell out of my car.” She jumped out and had to run to catch up with the other couple to get a ride home. Meanwhile, Phil sped by them recklessly in the parking lot. Phil would often drive dangerously when Donna was in the car, and threaten to kill himself, saying things like, “How about if I kill myself? Would you like that? I’m driving fast now. I’m gonna kill myself and it’ll be your fault.”
Donna, ever self-sacrificing, stayed with Phil for more than three years. In spite of the rough moments, she found him mostly sweet, fun, and romantic. She also felt they had a lot in common. It took her a long time to realize that his kindness was usually serving a purpose for him; Phil was simply a very manipulative, controlling, dominating type. For instance, after a big fight he would be sweet to her, crying and saying, “I’m sorry, I love you so much.” Then, he would bring her flowers or candy. Donna says, “He was the best boyfriend, and the worst boyfriend.”
Finally, Donna gave Phil an ultimatum: Change his ways or she was walking. Phil kicked the manipulative moves into high gear, but she stuck to her guns, although only with great effort and help. She eventually had to have her friends next to her to help her break up with him over the phone. She said, “I would not have been strong enough to break up with him alone and face-to-face. He was just too strong.”
Donna gained much by ending her relationship with Phil. She also continued in counseling and acquired much insight into the dynamics underlying her own actions, and those of significant others like her mother and father, whose influence put her on the road to becoming a self-sacrificer. Her progress showed her potential to develop a solid marriage and family life, should she meet an appropriate partner in the future.
Psychology and Stress 