Helicopter parents have produced generations of offspring with a sense of entitlement; who are self-absorbed; who lack self-trust and self-sufficiency; and who are more comfortable relating to others from an emotional platform than from a problem-solving platform. Psychologists regularly point out these and other problems when parents excessively involve themselves in their children’s lives. Many of our posts emphasize how domineering and controlling parents do not allow their children to learn from their mistakes, or develop the independence and autonomy needed to face life’s challenges. Of course, this emphasis on the traits that children develop is only part of the helicopter-parent picture; what about the personality dynamics in parents that dispose them to become overbearing? Should we not also focus on conflicts and insecurities that plague the parents and cause them to be overly controlling?
Consider Rosalie. If ever there was a controlling, domineering, and always-present parent in children’s lives, it was Rosalie. In fact, she basked and thrived in the joy brought her by being the most influential figure in her three children’s lives. Eventually, however, reality caught up with her, and 52-year-old Rosalie decided her life was without purpose. Why? The last of her three children had just graduated from college, and—like his siblings before him—had moved away to pursue a career. Rosalie’s 28-year marriage seemed stable, although she had begun developing “mood” problems, and her husband had become friendly with a woman at work, which bothered Rosalie considerably. Her physician prescribed various anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications with minimal success. She developed medical problems that were not life threatening, but they added to her general stress. She decided to try counseling.
Rosalie told her counselor that her purpose for living was over because her children were independent and did not need her any longer. The counselor pointed out that their independence was a testament to her excellent childrearing. Rosalie, however, could no longer find life goals consistent with her values, because she defined those values solely by her constant presence in her children’s lives. “My kids are gone. I am not physically watching over them every day. How can I continue to see myself as an effective mother?” Rosalie always had deep anxiety issues about her ability as a parent; she dealt with that anxiety by defining her effectiveness as a parent simply by her constant presence in her children’s lives, not by how well she was teaching them to cope, or by the emotional support she could provide them when they became adults.
Within a year after her last child’s graduation, Rosalie terminated counseling, and a couple of weeks later she committed suicide at home. Hundreds of people attended her funeral, stunned with questions and disbelief. Rosalie, who had come to believe that her life had been stripped of friends and loved ones, probably would have been surprised to see how loved and appreciated she really was. But Rosalie could only see her self-worth by being always present for her children as they grew toward adulthood.
Rosalie’s final action is not typical, but her case raises the issue of how hard it can be for many parents to find new purpose in life after their kids grow and leave home. Most parents do so successfully, but we must always be alert to signs that, like Rosalie, they might feel they are falling short.
Psychology and Stress 