Why does an abused woman stay with her abuser, when she believes he could actually kill her? Why does the bullied kid suck up to the bully and seek to join his gang, when he believes that the bully wants to dominate and harm him? Why does a man waste away in a dead-end job instead of looking for another position, when he believes that his current job is damaging his future and his self-esteem? Why does a father passively ask the psychiatrist when the anti-depressant for his 17-year old daughter will “kick in” so she will become normal again, when he really doesn’t believe in what he calls “shrink medicine”? Why do parents hover over children and protect them from failure, when they believe that kids should learn how to stand up own their own?
The human mind strives for consistency and harmony. Your mind doesn’t like disharmony resulting from contradictory beliefs and actions; such contradictions produce frustration, discomfort, and especially fear, all of which motivate you to resolve the incongruities so you can hold onto your beliefs. Inconsistency and disharmony are usually resolved through actions like denial, selective perception, or distorting the reality around you.
In each of the examples above we can argue that the mental dissonance and discomfort aroused by inappropriate actions—behaviors inconsistent with beliefs—is based on fear. That is, the abused woman and bullied kid fear retaliation unless they stay close to the “enemy”; the job hunt brings fear of rejection; the dad and the helicopter parents fear they will be seen as parental failures if their kids fail. Fear, fear, fear—in each case it drives self-censorship and produces self-damaging and irrational behavior.
When it comes to dealing with stress, there is a clear message here: No matter what beliefs we’re talking about, when they are illogical and contradictory with your actions, you should challenge either your beliefs or your actions, and consider discarding or modifying them. The problem is, you don’t want to face the inconsistency because you fear the consequences with respect to how you judge yourself. Fear makes it difficult to take a hard and honest look in the mirror, and decide that perhaps you made the wrong decision, or your belief is faulty. Ego gets in the way.
If you want to cope with stress more effectively, you must be vigilant and willing to face the fears that can lead you to reality distortion and irrational thinking. You simply cannot cope effectively if your mind is engaged in distorting reality to maintain misguided beliefs or to justify inappropriate actions. That house of cards will eventually fall because it is based on avoidance and fear.
Psychology and Stress 