You might hear the word “accept” and say, “You want me to quit? To give up? To admit I’ve been defeated?” People often confuse acceptance with giving up and being resigned to the inevitability of stressful events swirling around them. In the context of coping with stress, however, being passive, powerless, helpless, weak, and ineffective are not at all what we mean by acceptance. Acceptance may be the first step in coping with stress, but that does not mean you must tolerate things or give up. In a coping context, acceptance means directly facing the stark realities of life, especially those over which you have no control. For instance, you have no control over your mortality. However, you can purposefully adopt health-enhancing behaviors that improve the quality of your life. That’s acceptance. Some folks, however, fail to accept their mortality by avoiding the thought, making it more likely they will engage in health-compromising behaviors that reduce their quality of life. As another example, some people grieve and mourn over the loss of a loved one, but they accept the reality of the death and process it in appropriate ways. Others have difficulty with the passing because they fail to accept it in symbolic ways; this failure robs their lives of purposeful and satisfying actions that foster a healthy self, grounded in a social conscience.
Acceptance also operates at a group level. The Washington Post reports that 36% of Americans do not accept Biden’s 2020 election as legitimate. They refuse to accept the reality of the vote – at least the presidential vote – and they service their denial by supporting non-productive actions like seeking retribution through hostile and aggressive actions toward the “out” group, the other tribe. Just as denial at an individual level damages healthy and beneficial stress-reducing efforts, so it is at a group level when denial generates dependency, conspiratorial paranoia, and increased stress.
Acceptance of stressful challenges can take a lot of time and work because you must engage in emotional, behavioral, and thought acceptance. “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be fine. You’re worrying over nothing.” Does that comment make you feel better? It shouldn’t because it advises acceptance by denial – just deny what’s worrying you. But you listen to this advice and say to yourself, “Yeh, you’re right, I shouldn’t be anxious. Everything will work out. I’ll just stay calm.” Do your words make you feel better? Probably not, and you continue to be bothered by troublesome emotions and thoughts, in spite of your comforting words. This lack of synchronism is a warning to you that you are asking yourself to deny something, in this case the part of you that is anxious and fearful. Denying yourself is a dangerous, self-defeating game that sabotages coping efforts, and your mind gets trapped in denial.
Leann is a perfectionist. “I get so anxious and angry at myself when I fall short of perfection. Why can’t I be like my brother who screws up but stays laid back, so cool, so in control? But me, I’m there biting my fingernails off! I have trouble finishing projects on time because they have to be perfect. I’ll never get promoted; I’m such a klutz.”
As a general rule of coping, instead of criticizing herself for who she is, Leann needs to accept who she is and examine the benefits of her traits, even the ones she finds troublesome. By doing so, she can increase her sense of control, personal empowerment, and autonomy, and allow herself to adapt and synchronize those troublesome traits with accepting her emotions and actions. Once she accepts that how she feels is a part of who she is, then she can think about her emotions a little differently. She’s mad at herself for being overly perfectionistic, but now – rather than denying her emotions by trying to eliminate them – she can pause and consider the positive aspects of her perfectionism: she is less likely to make foolish mistakes; she is showing others that she cares about the quality of her work; she is more likely to seek creative solutions to a task; she is less likely to depend on others for completing a task; she demonstrates how her actions are consistent with her values.
Michael J. Fox has been quoted as saying: “Acceptance does not mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is, and there’s got to be a way through it.” Acceptance means functioning in the real world, finding “a way through it.” It means recognizing who you are and, if you are displeased with some of your traits, modifying them to meet the demands of reality.
Psychology and Stress 