Effective coping requires you to focus on what you do, not on what you think, and not on the emotions you feel. How often have you said, “I’m so down, so depressed. I’ve got to get happier, get rid of this sadness about things. I’ve got to think more positively about things.” Another not uncommon comment therapists hear is, “I get too anxious. I’ve got to get rid of this anxiety.” In these comments, note how the focus is on emotions and feelings. This focus completely ignores the fact that these emotional states and feelings are symptoms; they are not the problem.
According to Dr. Michael Church: “Our thoughts and feelings are simply thoughts and feelings. They are not reality. Just because I feel or think I am a loser does not make me a loser. Just because I have been rejected does not make me a reject. The bottom line is, I am what I do. I am not defined by my thoughts and feelings, and I am not likely to get out of depression or any other emotional dilemma by simply thinking or feeling my way out. At some point, I need to change my behaviors which need to be aligned with my core values. If I am not living in environments corresponding with my value systems, then it is not realistic for me to be happy.”
Emotions like anger and anxiety can be particularly troubling and even disabling. The question is, what kinds of actions can you take when you feel overwhelmed by such emotions. To help guide yourself in this process, it’s important to remember that emotions can be a warning sign that something other than the emotion needs to change—like an abusive marriage or a toxic friendship. Anxiety can be a signal that you are not prepared for a situation and might best prepare for it. Preparation may not alleviate all your anxiety, but it will give you confidence that you can perform well in spite of the anxiety. Also, keep in mind that “letting it all out” is not a good strategy. Psychological research shows that it’s not wise to “get your anger out.” Smashing things when you’re upset, for example, may actually make you angrier. So, it’s important to use this coping method with caution. If you’re going to talk to someone about a conflict, make sure you’re working on developing a solution, not just on venting or exploding emotionally.
Another important thing to consider is whether your emotions are helpful or unhelpful. Most folks have a tendency to label strong emotional feelings like anger and anxiety as bad, a sign of a psychological weakness. Suppose, however, you’re witnessing someone’s rights being violated, or you are in an unhealthy situation. Your anger can be helpful in such cases because it might give you the courage you need to take a stand or make a change. If, on the other hand, your anger is causing distress or hurting your relationships, you need to work on actions that reduce the conflict. Some examples: (1) Express your concerns using “I,” not “you” statements. “I’m upset that you bring the office home with you,” is less threatening than, “You don’t care about spending any time with me or the kids.” (2) Identify the situations that bring on your emotions and work on simple solutions. What makes you nervous? Long lines, traffic jams? Being late? Your kids’ messy rooms? Your partner is late for dinner most nights? Relatively simple solutions could be to restructure your day when possible: Shop at off-peak hours; take a different route to work; leave earlier for appointments; close the kids’ doors; schedule dinner later. (3) Exercise regularly. (4) Learn and practice relaxation methods through deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation. (5) Remind yourself that is not essential for you to win all arguments. Life is not a zero-sum game. Learn to compromise, take timeouts, and treat others with respect and empathy.
Remember how you are defined. You are not defined as “someone who feels anxious whenever I am in an uncomfortable situation.” You are defined as “someone who avoids controversy and confrontation whenever I feel anxious.” You must, therefore, work on modifying your avoidance behaviors in situations where they are inappropriate.
Psychology and Stress 