In this age of unbridled self-preoccupation, it is easy to offend others. I once heard a politician say: “I’m offended by this, and I’m offended by my colleagues that are offended by what we’re doing.” That’s a whole lot of offended! When you cut through the convoluted nonsense and self-focused drivel in this statement, you’re left with a frightened, self-centered person who is unable to confront a stressful situation in a constructive way. How about you? Are you regularly offended? Do you use it as an avoidance strategy? Is that how you want to go through life – mired in a swamp of avoidance and denial, unable to be flexible so you can adjust and improve? Do you want to be a servant to your fears and anxieties – unguided by a system of values, with a loss of direction that creates ambivalence about your worth?
Cassie would answer those questions with a resounding “No!” A work colleague’s actions offended her but she did not avoid confronting the situation in a constructive way. Cassie heard via the office grapevine that Baker, a colleague, was spreading a rumor that Cassie had taken a shortcut and “doctored” some figures in preparing a progress report for an ongoing project. Cassie was infuriated. She told a friend, “I have never been so offended in my life. That SOB is calling me a crook!” Cassie could have used Baker’s upsetting and untrue affront against her integrity in an avoidance way. That is, to avoid dealing directly with the stress, she could have begun spreading derogatory rumors about Baker. Instead, in front of other colleagues, she confronted Baker and very forcefully issued an ultimatum: “Baker, I am offended by your comments that I took shortcuts in my latest interim report. You know it’s not true and I want you to give me and our colleagues standing here evidence supporting your accusation. Otherwise, I want an apology right now, and admit that you made up that accusation to put me in jeopardy with the bosses. I demand that apology.” Baker’s face showed he was stunned by Cassie’s attack. He proceeded to apologize, and stumbled through an excuse that he “misread some of the figures in your report.” No one present bought it. [Eight months later, when raises and promotions were announced, Cassie’s promotion made her Baker’s immediate supervisor!]
American society is in a time of massive self-preoccupation. People seem ill-prepared to accept the reality of variability in what is right and what is wrong. Bewildered and frustrated, they reject accountability and retreat into the comfort zone of their own needs. This retreat makes them more dependent on others, incapable of critical thinking, and vulnerable to false messages. Their sense of autonomy crumbles; their purposefulness and ability to see meaning in life fade away; and they fail to see how self-destructive their emotion-based actions have become. Frustrated and fearful of abandonment, their only recourse is to lash out – sometimes violently – at others.
The first step in coping with stress is accepting a simple fact: “I am not the primary ingredient in every recipe.”
Psychology and Stress 